Sunday, December 4, 2011
So a list, or random disparate thoughts:
1. I need daycare. For my son. Pronto. He's on the waiting list at my first choice, but it doesn't look likely he'll get in by the time we need care. I have one more place to tour that's near campus...then I'll be looking at places near where we live, which lead into...
2. Where shall we live? We'll have to decide in January if we want to renew our lease or not. It looks like rent (which went waaaay up in the summer) has fallen back down to be inline with what we currently pay. We've basically said that if we can find a house to rent for the same price as our apartment rent, we'd prefer to move and live in the house. The trouble is...we for sure can't find a house in our current neighborhood at this price. And we really like our neighborhood. So...we'd have to move to a new neighborhood, and I'm not sure which one, and that makes the "looking at daycares near where we live" rather complicated.
3. I've taken up running. I really enjoy it. I feel happy when I run. It's so nice to start the day off feeling happy for half an hour!
4. We're traveling back to the PNW for Christmas. I am part excited, part happy, part anxious. The traveling part is always anxiety inducing. I'm sure it'll be great.
5. This semester is trying to kill me at the end. Work upon work keeps piling up with deadlines all aligned. It's just mean.
6. My dissertation has really come together in the past month or so. It's nice to have that clarity and, bonus, I like my project.
7. This maybe should be a post of its own, but our little Wiggles is slightly behind in verbal skills. He's meeting all of his motor milestones (and might even be ahead...Dr. didn't say) but he's not realllly talking yet. He babbles a bit, and most everything else is variations on Da. I guess he should be saying 3 words by now, but unless we count "uh oh" "chsssssssss" and "Da" he's not quite there. We've started narrating his play per the Dr.s suggestion (it feels silly) and it seems to be encouraging him to babble more! And last night when we read him the hungry caterpillar we both heard him attempt the word "butterfly" but that very well could have been wishful thinking. I guess the Dr will be looking to see if he can say 10 words by his next check up in 3 months.
Monday, November 14, 2011
So, it is during this intense time that I have received, not one, but two letters from two separate family members. In short, these letters are essentially asking me (and Mr. R by proxy) to change our values and beliefs regarding our son to better accommodate these family members and their values and beliefs. OUR son.
I'm beyond pissed. And I just don't get it. I wouldn't be so angry if I didn't want our son to have a relationship with these people. After all, the "are family." This has been my mantra since before Mr. Random and I married - he doesn't quite share it and is ready to just not have a relationship with members of his family if they can't respect him and his wishes. (one of the letters is from his side, one from mine). I'm starting to get on his band-wagon, because this is ridiculous.
One letter basically says that they won't be told what they are and aren't allowed to do with regards to our son. That they have certain "privileges" on account of being a grandparent. Maybe we're weird in that we don't agree? We think that being the parent means we get to say what they can and cannot do with our son? (this is like...big things...like force-feeding a 9 month old cookies w/o checking first with his mother to see if (1) he can handle that food texture and (2) oh....if he might not have allergies or some other digestive issue that might mean you should CHECK before you give a BABY food. Just saying.) We're not saying she has to clear every little detail, which, of course, is what she'll do. If she even acquiesces. She indicated in her letter that this could "mean goodbye" to all three of us. SERIOUSLY? Whatever.
The other letter is from a sibling. This sibling is dating a person who abused and killed one of her cats. BRUTALLY. She continues to date this man. We have thus far made it clear in no uncertain terms we will not allow this man in our son's presence. I've had some people say, oh, as long as lots of people are around, what's he going to do? Well...considering he was abusing the cats in the sibling's presence and she didn't notice...he could do a lot. Not to mention, generally in large family gatherings a lot is going on and there are lots of opportunities for such subtle abuse to occur. We aren't comfortable risking it. Sorry. This person has demonstrated brutal violence against smaller defensive less creatures that "annoyed" him. Not. Going. To. Risk. It.
So the letter was actually from this man, and forwarded by the sibling and we're encouraged to re-evaluate our stance. After all, he went to 4 weeks of counseling. And he attached a "scholarly" article that suggests maybe violence to animals doesn't transfer to humans after all. I can't wait until I have the time to rip the article apart properly (it merely cites correlations, and has weak statistics for it at that) and perhaps find a few other articles that support our beliefs (that it may, in fact, not be safe to have him around a baby).
The bottom line is, WE'RE the parents! These are the kinds of things WE decide. Not them.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
I wrote 1600 words today.
I hope it's not all crap.
I also held office hours, cooked dinner, ate dinner as a family, played with my baby, did 1 load of laundry and went on a walk with my family.
I think I'll call it a day. A good day even.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
So then we could have the little one sooner - say a 2.5 year spacing. Which would put me having the next little one...right around when I defend my dissertation (same assumptions as above). That wouldn't be so bad - except I'd also be going to job interviews either hugely pregnant or with a very new newborn. I'm not keen on either option. This is all, of course, if I get an academic job. I suppose an industry job might give a little more flexibility in the timing of interviews and such.
Which leaves me thinking about 4 years apart might not be so bad. Maybe we have the next little one after I finish my first academic year at this imaginary new job? That seems...reasonable. I really don't want them much further apart than that...
I just don't know.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Monday, October 10, 2011
It's so heart breaking. And the little one did nothing wrong. The grandmother did nothing wrong. These two heartless men showed up with a gun and killed a little one. They did do something wrong, but I kind of doubt they feel it.
And now I understand why people might only have one child. When I was younger I never understood why people would stop at one. Having many younger brothers and sister might be a factor in that, but it never made sense to me. Now I can see one possible explanation. When you have a baby it's like a piece of your heart living outside you. And you can protect it. And you can nurture it. But ultimately, things will happen to it beyond your control. It's a risk. Because a part of you can be so easily hurt. It's terrifying to think of taking that risk again. And having your heart broken into multiple pieces...all vulnerable in the world.
I still think Wiggles' will benefit from having a sibling. And we still think we'd like to have another baby. But I'm definitely leaning toward only one more now. Instead of our two, maybe three kid philosophy I had before Wiggles. I just don't know if I'm strong enough to have more.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Now, when thinking about those scenarios, have you ever thought about the parents separated from their children? What happens in that case?
Do daycare centers and schools have plans for this? I mean, suppose a massive evacuation is ordered. What's the plan? Bus the children home? The parents meet them at home and then evacuate as a family? Leave the children at school and the parents pick them up there? Evacuate the children themselves?
I wonder about these things. Am I paranoid and crazy or are there plans for this sort of thing?
Friday, September 30, 2011
I may need to learn how to use Google Reader.
Despite this, they recently purchased a house. (my understanding is that their parents helped...must be nice) And went ahead and had a baby.
Now, from my point of view...I was quite a bit older, (one would hope wiser), had been married longer, and was far more educated when I had my baby last year. And I remember being so overwhelmed, as I'm sure most parents are. I was musing on this the other night and mentioned it to Mr. Random - kind of an off-the-cuff remark...do you think Cousin is so overwhelmed right now?
And he said no.
No!? No. Of course not, and if she is, she has her parents, her sisters, her brothers, her husband's parents, and her husband's sisters all within about 15-20 minutes of her house. So if she is feeling overwhelmed, she can call on any of them for help.
And it just became so clear why Mr. Random and I have been struggling soooo much. We gave up our Village. And we didn't find a new one. We're totally on our own down here. We have a few friends who we can call if we need something, who might be able to help us. But we have no family. And no one that we can call that we'd know, even at 3am, would pick up, rush over, and help us out. No one. And that's hard.
It is what it is, and I don't regret moving so far from family for the most part. But it was just a nice, Oh! moment to realize that things ARE hard for us. And there's a very simple reason. And it's not that we're inadequate. Or stupid. Or somehow less than we ought to be. In fact, given the circumstances, we're probably doing reasonably well.
It's bittersweet, to be sure. But I'm just so glad to realize that I'm not less.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Mr. Random came home from counseling yesterday and suggested couples counseling might be a good idea for us! He said that he's always felt it was like a death knell or the very last thing you did before divorce, so that's why he's been resistant. But after talking with his counselor he thought that actually, it made sense as proper maintenance. A lot of our fights have been over the same things year in and year out...so it makes sense to get a mediator of sorts involved to see if they can help us get past these issues we haven't yet solved ourselves.
It was a really good conversation actually. He had a few other points as well, and was able to make them very matter of factly, and even though it wasn't easy to hear how I've/we've been failing, it was good. It was good to have that open communication and to be honest about where we'd like to see improvement.
So, now to see about couple's counseling.
And I need to get back into individual counseling too. I've been dragging my feet because the idea of starting over with someone new, when my old counselor was just so perfect for me, is not very pleasant. But...I think it'll help.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Several students were late or didn't start it until the night before, despite urging from the instructor that such behavior would damage their grades. But they were "busy" and had "things".
I just don't get it.
I have a baby. He's been sick. I have a husband who is going through a mid-life crisis of sorts, attempting to find his career in life and busy doing his own school work and job searching. Which means lately I've picked up the slack on feeding this family. It's not small job. I'm planning the meals, grocery shopping, and cooking most nights lately.
I'm plain worn out.
And I'd like to say I'm better than these students, and keeping on top of my work but the honest truth is I'm not. My dissertation is suffering big time. A website I'm supposed to be developing is suffering just slightly less. I'm managed to stay somewhat on top of the grading...but I feel like that means my priorities are backwards. Because it's clear this class isn't a priority for many of the students taking it.
I'm just tired. And frustrated. And need a housewife. And possibly daycare for my son.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
I have stopped seeing a counselor as the one I'd been seeing (who helped me so much more than anyone else ever had) moved to a new practice that is out of network for my insurance. I still wanted to see if I could go but it means a $1000 deductible and then they'll start covering 50% of the cost - which is $115/hr. Yikes!
Just not possible at this time.
So I need to go back and start over with a new counselor, but I'm dragging my feet because I so liked the old one.
Despite my set backs I feel a bit happier and less trapped and more loved. It does feel like Mr. Random is less critical....and less of a tool since he's started taking his meds and counseling. Which is nice. I know it's not all on his end...I need to make changes too.
But I feel like we're making progress, and right now, that feels pretty good.
Meanwhile, Wiggles is walking and talking! No more bottles - he eats table food and drinks from sippy cups! He's so big!
I'm worried right now he's not getting enough to eat. He's a bit of a little guy and was only 15% for weight at his 12 mo check up...I guess we'll see. We got back for a booster flu shot in October - I'll be very curious to see how his weight gain is then.
Monday, September 12, 2011
So what do I mean by "trapped in a loveless marriage"? Well, I feel trapped on account of our son. And I don't mean that I have to stay in this marriage come hell or high water. I feel that, because of him, we both have a very serious obligation to try to make our marriage work. Which means making it a happy, healthy, and productive relationship. In its current form, it is not.
Which is the loveless part. I just don't feel cared for at all. I feel like I take the time to get lunch ready for everyone (we're doing family meals as much as possible in keeping with this book), while the husband reads his book. Or something similar. Basically, it feels like I do chores or meal planning or various things to keep our household running while he goes to the gym, reads his book, works on his stuff. And then treats the meal planning as "my free time" or somehow like I did that because I enjoyed it? I don't. I seldom get to do things I enjoy because I spend all my free time doing chores.
The irony is. I'm pretty sure he feels much the same way. About a month ago he said as much and I completely agreed and felt like I was such a slacker. But looking around lately...I'm not a slacker. I just don't do the big-item things HE cares about. Like taking out the trash/recycling. I hate it. It's heavy. It's hard for me. The recycling is far away. So it's true. I don't do those chores. But if we look around a little...we'll see I still do quite a lot.
These are things I need to say to him. We need to be able to have an adult conversation about it, but I don't honestly know where to start. Every time I've tried recently to bring up something like this I'm met with very defensive behavior that immediately responds with how HE's hurt. How HE's frustrated. Which is so, so not productive. Whenever he brings up his issues I wait to air mine. Because otherwise it turns into a battle. But this means I generally don't get to air my issues, and when I do, it turns into an argument about his issues again.
Thus. The need for counseling.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
-turn stony hearted and cold?
-seek couples counseling?
-seek an affair?
I'm inclined toward the middle two. I feel stony hearted and cold. I think we need counseling.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
I just have one more parting thought (for now) on pregnancy and childbirth. From my soapbox. It's this: I really, personally, respect the process of pregnancy and the process of childbirth. I think about all the many factors that can go wrong. And I just am in awe of all the things that do go right. It's truly, truly amazing. I don't know if respect is even the right word for how I feel about these processes. And while my last labor was drug-free, I have no idea how my next will go. I am fully aware that any number of things can be, will be, different and consequently, my next pregnancy and labor will be different. And I'm okay with that. A little nervous and a lot excited to see how it all unfolds.
And this is what bugs me about some people in my family and of my acquaintance who are currently pregnant or trying to be (and freely sharing their thoughts on the matter). Not everyone, for sure, but a lot of these individuals seem to have absolutely no respect or awe or even concern for pregnancy and childbirth as processes. It seems they view them more as unfortunate but necessary hurdles they must jump to "join the club" of mommyhood. And it just irks me.
Now, she knows that this could all change. And maybe he's still exhausted from their difficult labor. But come on!
Please don't misunderstand, I'm super happy for my friend. I'm glad she's got such an easy going fella who SLEEPS. But for myself, I'm throwing a self-centered totally unreasonable pity party. The utter exhaustion I experienced for the first 4 months of my son's life is still quite fresh in my mind.
I've been reassured by many who witnessed the events first hand that it was not my fault. That the sleep issues were just reflux related or the way my boy is. But I start to wonder. And I start to feel inadequate. Or at least cheated somehow.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
You see, I am just of the firm opinion that she is not at all prepared for what it truly means to be a parent. For the responsibilities instead of just playing house. And then I consider that shell probably wind up with an "easy" baby. And it just doesn't seem fair. My own mother had 5 babies and upon coming to help with Wiggles acknowledged that he was not, in any way, "easy."
But then I ponder further and wonder....while she may well end up with an "easy" baby that actually sleeps with little if any intervention on her part...might she not wind up feeling equally challenged? I mean, if I'm going to act all superior and say that I was more prepared to parent...and then consequently had a less "easy" baby ( I don't want to label him difficult...that sounds sad) well...maybe that means it evens out somehow? I'm grasping for words here, but basically, I'm saying that while in absolute terms, my baby was more of a challenge than this hypothetical "easy" baby I expect my cousin to have...in relative terms she may be as challenged with this baby as I was with mine? So...in the end, we're all facing equal challenges...that just appear different because of our different skills, strengths, and experiences?
Hah! The misery this brought onto myself! Mr. Random told me I was on a fool's errand, and he was correct. No one could agree on a location for the event. My family was spread across 4 states at the time, and while I suggested a few relatively central and scenic locations (actually, we were going to have to travel the furthest of anyone) there was no consensus. Everyone wanted it to be held in their hometown. Ugh! Seriously?
And the trend continues. Sporadically, cousins email me asking when we're going to have our family reunion. At this rate? Never. Because every time I suggest something, someone has a problem with it and consequently, won't come.
What is even the point then? You guys say you want a family reunion...but only if we all show up at your door? Only if it doesn't cost you anything to do it?
It's impossible when 80% of the family all share this attitude.
And it's a little heart breaking.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Mr. Random...doesn't get it quite so much. And gets frustrated that I'm buying so many clothes Wiggles doesn't "need". And it occurred to me this morning as we were trying to determine if my latest purchase was "needed" that Mr. Random still doesn't quite understand baby clothes sizing. Yes, these latest purchases are size "18 mos". No, that does not mean we have to wait until the little guy is 18 mos for him to wear them!
Friday, August 12, 2011
For instance, when we lost the house. I can't tell you the hours I spent agonizing over how we should never have bought it in the first place. Or how we should have bought a smaller house. Or one closer to town. Or how I should have gotten a real job and kept it instead of going back for my Ph.D. Or. Or. Or.
Or now, when we have 2 Honda Civics, one with some damage in need of repair. Both very fuel efficient, but on the smaller side for our now 3 person family. That new little person comes with a LOT of gear! Right now, I would love love love to have a small SUV. I've got my eye on Honda CR-V's and Hyundai Tucsons and even Subaru Outbacks or Foresters. And the regret comes in to remembering 2 years ago when we bought the second Civic. It made sense at the time - we were both driving 40+ miles a day (Mr. Random was driving more like 70) and fuel efficiency and reliability was the name of the game. But now - a short two years later I would much rather have a small SUV instead of the new Civic. We could have bought a used SUV and gotten a lot of use out of it already! We like camping off-road and that's how the one Civic got the damage the currently needs to be repaired. Civics just aren't really built for forest roads.
So now I obsess. We could have bought an SUV instead of the second Civic. And now I'd even use the words should have. But we couldn't have known it at the time. We weren't even pregnant. We weren't really planning on it either. We had started to realize we'd probably be losing the house - but it was still a probably, and in the meantime, we had our long commutes.
So here we are. With two very good little cars, that serve us just fine, but I still find myself obsessing about what could have and worse maybe should have been.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Friday, August 5, 2011
Just leave me alone! The due date for the last of the work for the class (it's online) is tonight in about 1.5 hours. I don't do grading as things are turned in - I grade en masse after due dates so that everything is done in one sitting, one frame of mind, and consequently, as fair as I can make it.
Now all I want to do is look at this kid's stuff and figure out how HE's already figured out his final grade when I haven't even finished grading.
And I hate it when people try to pass things off onto me. As if it's MY fault he's going to "loose" his scholarship. Honestly, based on the work I've seen from him - I doubt he has a scholarship, and if he does and it requires a certain level of academic competency...well...he doesn't have it. And that is not my fault.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Friday, July 29, 2011
And I guess everything else must be going smoothly enough. I feel like I used to use this space to rant a lot. These days? I just have less to rant about I suppose. Don't get me wrong, I know that's a good thing! Well, good for me. Bad for this blog.
But, rest assured, I have new fodder! At least right now.
Riddle me this: WHY are pregnant women in such a hurry to yank their babies out into the world?
Maybe I should phrase the question differently, because I honestly want to know - but I can't seem to ask it politely because it goes against everything I felt/believed and continue to feel/believe regarding pregnancy and labor & delivery.
I've a friend from high school - we're not super close or anything but we're friendly on the Facebook - who is a nurse by training. An RN, okay? So...she should know medical stuff, right? That's my assumption. She's married to a doctor. So he should know medical stuff, right? And...isn't it medical knowledge that babies take on average 40 weeks of baking? And that babies do better if left to cook and decide their own delivery date?
I have heard the notion that the placenta can deteriorate and so going too far past due is not good. Plus you could run into the baby getting GARGANTUAN and not being able to come out. Okay. Sure. but how long is too long in that case? Just how long does it take for the baby to go from perfectly deliverable to GARGANTUAN? A day? A week? A month?
I just feel like so many women, like my friend, view the due date as an "expiration date" and feel like yanking the baby out the day after if the little one hasn't come on its own.
And it just....boggles my mind! This particular friend went in for her regular check up - the day before her due date - and was excited because she'd felt some contractions the night before. These went away, but she was still hoping to go ahead and get induced following her appointment. The day before her due date! WHY?!?
I don't feel close enough to her to ask - though she may have provided some insight when she said she feels fat and uncomfortable and can't wait to meet her baby.
So. Because YOU are impatient you want to birth your baby before it's ready? Really!?!
I guess that's it. It just seems selfish to me. But. I was fortunate and my baby chose to be born the day before his due date. I wasn't expecting that. All of my mom's babies were late, so I was fully planning to have to fight with my doctor to delay an induction. I wanted to wait 2 full weeks if possible. Because, it is only an estimated due date after all.
So please. While I do have strong opinions on the matter, I do also honestly want to know why women are so eager? Because it's not just this friend I've heard talk like this. I can understand excitement...but...you really can't wait 1-2 more weeks?
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Mr. Random told me the other day that I haven't been very crazy for a new mom, but the one thing I HAVE been crazy about is breastfeeding.
I'm a little miffed. And irritated. And annoyed. Because, he really doesn't get it. He knows he doesn't. But despite that, felt comfortable telling me that I was a little batshit crazy about breastfeeding.
And I suppose I was. I was very particular about Wiggles getting nursed on a schedule. And when it was time to go back to work, I was very particular about making sure I pumped every 3-6 hours. And while he thinks this made me "crazy" I think it was a perfectly normal response.
This was my baby's food! This is what was keeping him alive! Mr. Random, says now, that we could have supplemented with formula all along. But you know what? I felt a lot of pressure from him that "breast was best" and that I needed to make an honest go of it. Not be like those "other women" who don't even try or give up early because it isn't convenient. And now he turns around and says I was crazy about it? Ugh. Men.
This is coming up because I've stopped breastfeeding Wiggles. And I'm pretty sad about it. He was biting me with his razor sharp little teeth and it was getting worse, not better, so we pulled the plug. I continued pumping and was actually pumping enough he could have half or more of his bottles every day as breastmilk instead of formula. I'm lucky that I respond quite well to the pump. But...pumping is time consuming. Annoying. And it started to really hurt! I couldn't figure out why it hurts so much but it really hurt! (turn down the suction genius...)
And then we went on vacation, and it was just a challenge to pump regularly. And Mr. Random was not at ALL supportive. He tells me later he thought my pumping was a hindrance and annoying. Thanks...
So now I've stopped pumping entirely. Truth be told, I didn't much want to. It IS time consuming and annoying to me. Breastfeeding was magical...pumping...eh. Necessary evil. But I'm a little mad about how it all went down and a little frustrated because I think I COULD have kept pumping until Wiggles' first birthday and...well, it seems like I SHOULD if I COULD, right?
The other thing, I've noticed, at least for me, about giving up breastfeeding is that...it's like giving up part of my identity. Which is crazy! I mean...I spent 99% of my life NOT breastfeeding. But...it's like the last thing that made me "special". I mean, for 40 weeks I was pregnant. I was "special" and supporting this new little life that was growing. Then I was supporting that little life with breastmilk. Still "special". My body was still doing something amazing.
Now? Now I'm...just... me again. Nothing special.
I know I'm not just me. I know I'm a mom now too. And I'll always have those memories and I have a very wonderful bond with my little guy. But I do feel less "special".
Friday, July 1, 2011
The truth of the matter is I have conflicted feelings. One of her arguments against having guns in the home is that they only serve one purpose: to kill.
I'm not sure if I agree 100% with that statement. Her husband didn't either and offered the alternative use: Defense. It's kind of like two sides of a coin...the difference is subtle and yes, ultimately, guns can cause injury and death.
But so can knives. And most everyone I know has a block of very sharp ones in their kitchen. What's the purpose of a knife really? Well, I suppose it's to cut food. But ultimately it's to cut. Which can cause injury and death as well. So what's the difference really between knives and guns?
I suspect a big difference is the way we view them. I certainly recall being taught "knife saftey" while growing up. You always walk with the point down. They're not toys. Etc. But do we teach similar gun safety from a similarly young age? Often not. I wonder if guns were as ubiquitous as knives, and if we taught gun safety in a similar fashion...if they wouldn't be such a problem.
But for all that, I know full well that if we had a gun in the home and despite our best efforts at gun safety with Wiggles...he or a friend accidentally (or otherwise) shot themselves or each other, causing injury or death....well, I probably wouldn't be able to forgive myself. Truth be told...I'd feel similarly if something awful happened with a knife.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Ideas for posts that I hope to return to write:
Mothers in law
Flying with a baby part tres
And I know there were more ideas but they escape me currently.
I'm babysitting our desktop computer currently. It seems to have lapsed into a coma and has been in this state the past 2 weeks. Mr. Random has made several attempts at reviving the beast but so far has had no luck. We just got the system recovery disks in the mail and are trying them now. It's not looking too good. And we JUST bought this computer!!! SO frustrating!
To be fair, by "just" I mean we bought it about 2 years ago, but come on! Shouldn't a $900 computer last more than 2 years? Apparently not as this is the second desktop computer we've had crap out after a roughly 2 year life. The first time I thought it was just crummy luck. Nw I'm starting to fear a very expensive pattern. We don't abuse our computers that much! I swear!
We don't really have the $$ to replace this bad boy. But we do desperately need to do so as we both work from home quite a bit. Well...maybe desperate is a little stretch. It's true we both work from home but the fact is I have a very nice iMac sitting mostly unused on my desk at school. I KNOW. Unacceptable. I do rather heart that machine and its been quite neglected since my son was born. So...that may be the solution for now if we can't revive the desktop. Mr. Random can work from home on the laptop while I jaunt into school and work in my office (such a novel idea, I know). The one problem with this scheme, well perhaps there are two, is that Wiggles is into everything so its impossible to work when he's awake. We've been getting around this by tag teaming and whoever is less in the middle of work takes care of him while the other works and it's been working out for all. The other problem is the boobies. Nice as my husbands pecs are...they do not make the "magical" baby milks.
I guess well just have to see what happens. And hope we can magically save the computer.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
So I'll move onto updates.
I'm no longer breastfeeding Wiggles. Hes a biter and those teeth are sharp. I've continued to pump and that's going well so for now he's getting breast milk via bottles. I plan to pump as long as I have a supply to pump, so we'll see how this new phase of "breastfeeding" goes. :)
I'm finally done with a work project that I was no longer getting paid for but was taking up ALL my time as I wrapped it up. The joy of being a grad student eh? While I wasn't getting paid it was mostly worth my time because it overlaps with my dissertatiion work. I'm just glad to have a break from it for now.
Not a break mind you. No, because now I need to prep my summer course that I'm teaching. It's online which is mostly a plus, but also means I really need to get it all planned before it starts. As opposed to when I teach in person classes and sometimes and making the lecture slides the morning of. :).
I'm also supposed to be working on a proposal to defend early this Fall. And meanwhile, I'd like to have some me time! To craft! And relax! Not to mention time with the baby and the husband.
Which is kind of another post entirely. The cramped living quarters, the utter lack of dates...the stress....it's all taking a major toll on our relationship. I feel confident well get through this rough patch...eventually. But its not fun being in it and I dont foresee it getting much better anytime soon.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Lately, I'm feeling down about the surprises in my life.
Wiggles seems to be self-weaning. I feel like I read too many of the You-Must-Breastfeed-Your-BABEE-until-he's-at-least-two-or-you're-an-awful-person websites. It's really effected my outlook. In a bad way. I mean, I said going in that I'd try my best to breastfeed and we'd just take it as it went. I knew from friends' tough experiences that it's a team effort and a lot can go wrong. I lucked out in that my teammate (Wiggles) was/is a champion breastfeeder and we were off to the races from the start. I've often been asked how long I'd breastfeed and I always answered - we'll take it as it goes. But, the goal is to make it 1 year.
Well...that may have been what I was saying, but now faced with the reality that we may be finishing up sooner than later...I realize that I was thinking something else. I was thinking we'd keep breastfeeding our way to his 1 year birthday, and THEN we'd start this whole weaning thing. And that we'd probably keep up with morning and/or nighttime feedings for the next 6 months or so.
And as much as I've wanted to the freedom of not being chained to a baby or a pump every 3-6 hours...I feel sad. And I'm a bit surprised by all of this. And I worry that my baby isn't reeealllly self weaning at 9 months. I mean, according to those websites it seems unlikely. They make it sound like babies want to breastfeed until they're 5 and it's our messed up society that prevents them. Maybe. But I've been doing everything right...and just following Wiggles' lead. And he's leading us to less booby time. And I'm learning to realize that's okay.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
He's teaching a class this summer that I had the pleasure of teaching last summer. As such I provided him with my syllabus/schedule and most of the class materials, well, because he asked. And because I got similar help from another student last summer. So it definitely seemed like the right thing to do. I ran into him in the hall and he said he wanted to talk about the course. We chatted a bit about it and then he said the part that irked me: "I hope the students don't bother me too much, because, quite frankly, I don't have the time".
There it is. I know he's not the first, nor will he be the last person to teach a course with such an attitude. But I really hate that attitude. And I've certainly been bothered and annoyed by students. I'm sure most teachers have.
But - not everyone gets to teach in the summer. It's bonus $ that is not at all guaranteed and you kind of have to fight for it. As such, it's also not required. So...if he doesn't have the time, why did he sign up to teach? I'm sure because he needs the money. We all do. But...come on! If you sign up to teach a class because you need the money, you also need to make the time to actually teach. And put up with students "bothering" you. I think I'm especially irritated because it's an upper divisional course and, at least when I taught it, the students are actually interested in learning something. Such a rare opportunity! I hope he makes something positive of it, but worry his attitude about the whole thing might get in the way.
Friday, May 13, 2011
So, speaking of baby poop...oh. Well, it sounded like a nice segue. Because I'm worried about my baby's poop. Or distinct lack there of. Dear, sweet Wiggles, for all his wiggliness, is a constipated baby. He's been having a really hard time of it. For probably about 6 weeks at least at this point. It all started when we took him off the Zantac that was just supposed to treating his reflux. It seems like it was doing something to lubricate his bowels as well, because both times we've taken him off have correlated with poop troubles. Of the sticky, clay-like, and difficult to pass kind. The first time we took him off he also had reflux symptoms again, so he went back on and the poop issue cleared up. The last time we took him off he didn't have reflux symptoms so he's still off the Zantac. And the poop issue persists.
It's so heart breaking. And incredibly frustrating for us. I'm sure he feels it 10 times more. We feed the boy straight prunes. For days. Nothing else. Whole containers of it. And eventually, finally, after 2-3 days of that, he'll poop. 2-3 times. Getting softer as they go. Until we get to the consistency we want his poop to be, and try feeding him something else. And he doesn't poop again for 3 days. Sigh. I would just like to feed him a healthy and varied diet of fruits, veggies, and cereals! It would be nice to be contemplating introducing meats to his diet. But at this point, I'd just like to be able to feed him more than prunes!!!!!
We took him to his pediatrician for the poop issues and some (presumably) unrelated congestion that's been around for about a month now. He's on antibiotics for that, and we were warned they might cause a laxative effect - which in his case would be a good thing. They seemed to the very first day he took them...and since then...nada. So we're adding miralax to his diet and upping the dose until we get him pooping soft poops in a regular fashion. Ugh. The pediatrician still thinks he'll outgrow this - that his system is having a hard time because he was breastfed. I'm not so sure.
In fact, I'm downright unconvinced. Since it correlates to when we stopped Zantac...I'm inclined to think there's something else going on here. Either that his body adapted to where it needs Zantac to regulate...or he has something else going on that the Zantac inadvertently was treating. The trouble is...Zantac is juts an antacid! It doesn't actually do that much and we weren't giving him very much either - not enough to think the syrup in the medicine was helping. But maybe it was? Maybe the peppermint flavor was doing something for his bowels? It's crazy...but I find myself wondering.
So if anyone out there has experience, thoughts or advice on this matter, I'm definitely all ears. My little guy is 8 months old, and having a ridiculously hard time pooping.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
The next few days, again, uneventful. Finally, comes the morning to head back home. We get dropped off at the airport with just enough time for me to grab some lunch and find a quiet corner to eat it. I appeased Wiggles by feeding him puffs between feeding myself my food. We were both fed and happy, hit the restroom one last time for me and a diaper change for the baby, and hit our gate about 10 minutes before boarding should start. I was feeling AWESOME. It was definitely too good to last.
Around the time our flight was scheduled to depart we finally get an announcement in the gate to sit back down...there's a mechanical problem and it'll be at least 15 more minutes. The short version of this story is that ultimately the plane was determined to have a bigger problem and wouldn't be leaving for at least 7 more hours. Now. At this point I'd been in the airport for roughly 2 hours and had timed the flight to coincide with Wiggles' nursing schedule. So I'm nursing the little guy when this announcement is made and everyone rushes to the customer service kiosk to get on the next flight out. Maybe other mothers are superwomen...but I can't just pack up mid-breastfeeding and find my way to the line that fast.
Oh the despair as I looked at that line and contemplated another 7 hours in the airport followed by a roughly 3 hour flight.
Ultimately...that's what happened.
Wiggles and I got the great fun of spending 10 hours in the airport, followed by a 3 hour flight before getting home that day. You know what though? My son is a Trooper. He was so good the whole day. Again, he didn't really sleep mind you. He did manage 3 20 minute naps throughout the entirety of the 13 hour adventure...which is certainly not enough and he was definitely deliriously tired when we finally made it home. But - we made it. And it was definitely a bonding experience.
Even if the anxiety from the whole event caused me to cancel a planned trip for the month following. Mr. Random, Wiggles and I were supposed to fly back home to visit some folks and attend a wedding and I was seriously losing sleep with anxiety at the idea. I mean - it went fine enough, but it is definitely NOT an experience I want to repeat. And definitely not so soon.
I did get comped a $300 credit for my troubles. It didn't seem like enough then. It still doesn't now. I feel the anxiety coming back just reliving the day, so that's all I'm going to say about that!
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
I had planned LAST week to write about how thankful I am for access to medicine and things like IV's. I'm pretty sure (but haven't looked it up to double check) that dehydration is one of, if not the, biggest baby killers worldwide. It's a big deal. So I'm extra super thankful that we have access to medical technologies that helped my baby when he was dehydrated. He wasn't even that dehydrated, but enough for us to be worried and I'm so thankful. And I'm happy to report he's made a full recovery!
I'm also really thankful for Mr. Random lately. Our marriage has been feeling rocky, but somehow through it all I find myself glad to be working through these issues with him. I wouldn't want to be working on these things with anyone else.
We need to find a regular babysitter so we can actually go out on dates again. And really, he needs a LOT less stress in his life. Period. Not sure what else I can do to help him with that...
Sunday, May 1, 2011
It's a sensitive topic and I hope I don't offend anyone with my opinions. If I do, well...I guess it can't be helped. This is what I really think, for better or for worse.
I have a family member, a cousin, who is about my age, single and also female. She's been hearing the tick-tock of her biological clock for awhile now and we've talked about it from time to time in the past. She's an only child, this cousin, raised by her mother and conceived via artificial insemination. Does her manner of conception matter? I didn't used to think so. In fact, as a child, it never really occurred to me to question it. She just didn't have a dad and that was just how it was. I never wondered where he was, or how she came to be without him. Now, however, I feel the lack of a father figure has been kind of a sad lack for her life. She doesn't think so - but I do. Because she's never had the opportunity to build a daughter-father relationship. She's only built a somewhat odd relationship with her mother - who, by the by, is not so keen on the men folk. She's straight, I think, but a bit of a man-hater. This has rubbed off on her daughter.
So, what am I blabbering on about? Well, this cousin is nearing 30, still single, and wanting children. She wants to have children via artificial insemination. Now I'm getting to the point. The idea of her having kids via artificial insemination doesn't sit well with me. To be clear, I do believe that everyone should have the right to decide for themselves, but I guess I just don't agree with her decision. I don't think that I have any right to tell her that or to prevent her from following her plans, but the fact remains...it seems like a poor decision to me.
I've struggled with understanding the why for some time. Is it because I'm traditional? Ingrained with societal ideas of what a "family" ought to be?
It might be all of that or none of that. I'm not entirely sure. But my new thought on the matter was this: one problem I have with it is her lack of relationships with others. I feel that a parent's relationship with their child (and this is based on my very, very limited experience parenting one baby boy) is not automatic. Parts of it are...but parts of it have to be worked at, built up between the individuals involved. And I feel that my ability to successfully build a positive relationship with my son has been very much enhanced by my previous experiences building relationships with my siblings, both parents, and finally my husband. I use lessons learned from that variety of experience to guide my efforts with my son. My cousin, sadly, does not have that variety of experience. She doesn't have 2 parents, any siblings, or a spouse. Her significant relationship building has been with her mother. And that's it. Does that mean she'll be any less successful? Not necessarily. Does that mean she shouldn't have kids? No...I don't think that either. The real problem I have is that I think she's selling herself short. This is the easy way out for her. Rather than putting herself out there and trying to meet someone and build that new relationship...she's opting to stay in. And have kids all on her own. And I think that she thinks that relationship will be automatic. And easy. And I think she may be surprised at what she finds.
Wiggles wound up with a trip to the ER for an IV. Mr. Random and I wound up with multiple trips to the porcelain throne for violent expulsions of our digestive systems. I learned that I need to chew my dinner better.
Anyway, that's all behind us now! The semester is winding down...mostly...for me, while it's ramping up for Mr. Random because he's on a different schedule than me.
All in all...I'm feeling more positive. Things are looking up. And I'm feeling a lot better about the cats. It looks like one was already adopted and the other one looks very happy in the picture they posted. While it still sucks and I'm still sad about it - I don't regret it. It really feels like we made the right choice by all five of us, and that helps a lot.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
And the worst part for now? I didn't even give the kitties a proper good-bye. I was too upset.
I hope they find a good home that can give them the attention they deserve. I'm so, so sad that I couldn't find that home for them. God knows I tried. I'm so, so sad that we could no longer be that home for them. We tried to work on that too.
I can't fully believe they're gone. I keep thinking I hear the little one mewing at the balcony door.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
This week I'm very grateful for Mr. Random. He's such a great father to Wiggles and a really great husband to me. We don't always see eye-to-eye and sometimes that causes conflict, but we've gotten better at facing that conflict and working through it. And I'm so glad he's stuck with me through the chaos and the crazy. When I was traveling last week I was traveling alone with Wiggles - and I did it and was fairly successful. But it really brought to my attention how much I appreciate having a partner to parent with.
I'm also grateful for beautiful flowers. I wanted to take a picture to share but my memory card is full and I haven't had a chance to download the pictures and videos. Which is another thing I'm grateful for actually - all the good memories captured on flash drive. :) I recently bought some bright pink fake lilies and put them in a large crystal vase that used to just sit empty most days on our table. It really brightens the room and I smile every time I see them. So worth the $10!
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Oh well - better late than never in this case! (and most cases probably)
And, I get to include something else wonderful - our rainy/windy/stormy weather that we had today! Living in a predominately sunny climate makes me appreciate the "dismal" weather even more. So I'm a happy camper.
Today I'm thankful for health insurance and counseling services on campus. It makes things possible that otherwise, quite frankly, would be un-affordable- important things like doctor's visits and counseling sessions. And I'll stop there because otherwise I'll get all upset about the state of health in America. :)
Saturday, April 2, 2011
There are several factors I think - that have gotten us where we are today. I feel like I was looking over all the decisions we've made as a couple and as individuals over the past 5 years and...while every decision was made in good faith with a (probably misplaced) hope that each decision would have a positive outcome...I now feel we've nearly boxed ourselves into misery. We don't have a strong support network at all. We have few friends down here, and the good friends we had no longer have time for us - partly because when we moved after losing the house we moved roughly 30 miles away from where they live. But also, we've never had a good track record with making and keeping friends. We're not sure why. Maybe we're smelly? It doesn't really matter, the point is - we don't have many friends. All of our family live far away - the closest is a sister who lives a 6-10 hour drive away (depending on traffic) but with gas prices as they are....we don't see each other much anymore. Also, Mr. Random is not at all close to his family, and I can see why. So...we're kind of on our own out here.
and we just went done had a baby. Yeah. I thought we were about as "ready" as a couple can be for such an endeavor that I think you can never really be ready for. I'm thinking now that we were not at all ready. With no support network in place and the fact that we both have been struggling to find happiness...well...it probably wasn't the best timing. Don't get me wrong - I love Wiggles and don't regret him for a minute...but it can't be denied that the stress of a baby has had some seriously negative consequences on Mr. Random and my relationship and our own individual happiness. Especially as we have such a limited network. We literally know 2 people we can ask to babysit. And they're both really busy right now. Which means we've gone on exactly 3 dates in the past 7 months. And I think we've had intimate relations about that many times too.
So, that's all a problem. Further, we have some serious money stresses/struggles, which is a major problem for couples all over I'm sure. But we've had money struggles, so far, for our entire marriage. I end up feeling like it's my fault, but I'm pretty sure Mr. Random feels our current struggles are his fault. Ultimately, one big problem is that I've been a poor grad student for 5 years now. And that takes a serious toll - because I'm busy, and can't do all the housework myself, and yet I make piddlings for my time. Meanwhile....Mr. Random had his life force sucked dry working jobs he hated to attempt to pay the bills. All while I got to pursue my little dreams in grad school. Ugh.
Basically, I really really feel right now, that if I could go back knowing what I know now...I'd do it different. And that's never a good feeling. I would not have bought that God-forsaken house for starters. Actually - I'd go further back. I think I should have given up this foolish notion of being a scientist and gone instead for pharmacy. I understand you can make good $$ in the profession, I loved chemistry as an undergrad, and actually kind of enjoy tedious, detailed work. And. I'd be done with my schooling already. 4 years pre-pharm, 4 years of pharmacy school - I'd be done and making the big $$ by now. And I hear could go to part time when I had the little kidlet, which sounds like a perfect situation to me at this point. And I could probably be supporting our family while Mr. Random works out what he wants to do with himself (he still doesn't really know). and aaaghhh! It just seems like such a better idea from where I sit. I really feel like I would go back and knock some sense into my 19 year old head if I could.
Which I normally never feel that way - because who knows how things would have turned out? That's such a different path...it's entirely possibly I could be married to someone else...divorced....or otherwise equally unhappy. And it's entirely possible little Wiggles wouldn't have come to be...and that's a sad, sad thought.
At any rate, I am not currently presented the opportunity to change the past. So I need to focus on positive changes in the present...so that hopefully we can all have a happier future. And I think that starts with counseling. And getting my butt in gear to graduate ASAP - I think that's still the best idea. I've been entertaining the idea all morning that I should quit and get a "real" job now to solve the money situation sooner than later. We could even move - I could find a job closer to family to help with the support network issue! But that sounds like a kind of dumb idea....right? I mean, it would kind of make all the past years of suffering....well....for nothing. Right?
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
So, in the vein of improved mental state, I want to start a Twice on Tuesday as a regular post. I'm stealing the idea from Aisha's Three Beautiful Things Thursday's. (hope you don't mind!) But I've definitely found in the past that taking the time to note something good or positive in my life helps me feel more good or positive about life, so I want to start making the effort regularly. So every Tuesday I'll count my blessings twice by thinking about them and then also posting them here...thus...Twice on Tuesday.
1. I love the view from our apartment balcony. It looks out over a courtyard that has green grass and green leafy trees whose canopies is right at our balcony level. It makes it feel like we live in a treehouse when I look out the big glass door. I love it!
2. While the constant sun gets a bit monotonous...I am also thankful to live in such a cheery, bright environment. I <3 light!
3. Wiggles may not be napping very well, but he's doing a very good job at sleeping during the night now. And I am so, so, so, so thankful for it. And I'm doing better at going to bed at a reasonable hour - my milk supply wasn't keeping up with the short nights, so it's necessary.
4. I'm so thankful for a wonderful partner. Mr. Random is a good husband and a good father and I'm so glad to have someone I can trust completely with Wiggles by my side.
5. And finally, I'm glad that Dodge Vipers still make me giddy as a school girl. I saw one while driving into school today and just about had to fan myself. I don't know what it is but they get my heart racing!! So thank goodness for Dodge Vipers. :)
Thursday, March 24, 2011
And I feel morose.
Mr. Random is kind of annoyed by this - his points out that considering my amount of prep work, a pass at all is a good thing. He has a point. So why am I so morose? Is it because I didn't pass with my usual Gold Star Standard? Maybe. But I'm also a bit concerned at why I was so unmotivated to prep. And why I continue to be fairly unmotivated. Am I just overwhelmed? Or is this postpartum depression? Or something else entirely?
I'm not sure...but I've been in this funk for about a week at least....maybe longer but I've really noticed it the past several days. If it doesn't end soon I'm going to have to go talk to someone...
Saturday, March 12, 2011
This upcoming week I'll be partaking in a right of passage known as Comprehensive Exams. I'm pretty sure most PhD programs have something similar...but I could be wrong about that. It's a major milestone in the program and kind of a big deal. I've been "preparing" for it since January. Or...at least that's the theory. I've had all kinds of papers to read and thoughts to think in preparation...but honestly...I've probably only done half of what was "assigned" or "recommended". Ugh. I'm just not as motivated as I need to be. I feel tired all the time and am a pretty slow reader, so the huge stack of papers to read has been rather burdensome. And now it's crunch time. The weekend before the exam - probably time to at least attempt to read some of the half that are unread. And I feel blah about it. It's not despair really. Not stress or anxiety exactly. More just...tired. Really, really tired. And so here I am blogging instead. Sigh.
Back to the reading!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
How does this happen? Well, once we get Wiggles down for the night (usually by 8-8:30pm) then it's like we've been given a golden ticket. Both Mr. Random and I feel like those hours after he's down are our most productive. We don't have to operate in 2-3 hour intervals around Wiggles' schedule. We can just DO whatever it is we've been wanting to do. Most often it's homework. But sometimes it's watching a movie together or cleaning or I don't even know what! But every night I start out with the intention of going to bed by 9:30pm and every night I am surprised to look at the clock and see it's already 11pm.
Does this happen to anyone else? And you'd think this would help me have more time for things...but it doesn't seem to. And it sure makes it difficult to get up with Wiggles in the morning...
Thursday, February 24, 2011
But you know what? I think I'm done with that.
I'm not such a horrible gossip that no one can trust me. I can keep my mouth shut when it needs to be. And truthfully, I really just read celebrity gossip or gossip with my 2 closest girl-friends. That's pretty normal, right?
Wiggles is sleeping really reasonably well at this point. Maybe once a week now we have a midnight waking that we listen to him cry for, but mostly he makes it from bedtime to at least 4:30am. *knock on wood!* Tonight is his first night sleeping in his crib - up until now he was sleeping in his co-sleeper bed in his room. And this graduation breaks my heart a little! Not as much as when we moved him from our room to his, but it's still a little sad. I still miss sleeping with him near me...well, I do and I don't. I don't miss the frequent waking due to his noisy sleep habits...but I miss having him so close and being able to listen to him breathe.
While sleeping is going reasonably well, eating is still a pickle. He's gotten rather fussy both from the bottle and the breast and I wonder if it's due to my diet. I'm eating whatever I want again, including dairy. And it's totally selfish, but the thought of going back on the restricted diet is just too much. I may have to - we'll see what his pediatrician says at his next check up - it's in a week or so.
How is school going now that I'm a mom? Like before, it has its ups and downs. I'd say 80% of the time I'm happy with the situation. The other 20% I daydream about being a stay-at-home mom. Overall, I'd say that's a win for my "career" choice.
I took Wiggles into school the other day to meet his many eager fans (grad students and some of the staff) who up until now had only seen him in online pictures. My fellow grad students were very adoring and the staff enjoyed him as well. Then as I was carrying him back toward my office we bumped into the Director. As you may or may not recall from this post (and you might want to read this one too), Director and I do not quite see eye-to-eye when it comes to my life-decision regarding procreation. As my advisor had 2 students both "expecting" at the same time (me and a male student) this Director was heard to say to Advisor - "don't your students know what birth control is?". Nice. ANYWAY, so we bump into Director and I say brightly, oh hello - this is my son, Wiggles! He barely cracked a smile (how he managed it with that cute face gazing up at him I'll never know) and said, "oh". Insert awkward moment. And that... was that. Oh well. I'm very happy with my life decision, thank you very much for asking Sir.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Then, last night we had another friend over - one Wiggles hasn't seen since before Christmas. And when Wiggles woke from his nap I handed him over - he immediately seemed uneasy as I walked away from him over to the couch. He kept looking between me and the person holding him, and then screwed up his face like he was going to cry! It was so sad! And cute! He did this three times, looking back and forth, and then finally started smiling at the friend. :) Crisis averted I guess.
It'll be interesting to see how he does in the coming weeks as we plan on going on more dates.
Monday, January 31, 2011
The next 2 nights, he slept from bedtime until 6am! Wonderful!
Then, again the waking at 1:50am. 2am is now considered The Danger Zone in our house. And he cried for 1.5 hours, again. And then woke to eat around 5:30am.
Then another night of sleeping all the way until 5:30am! Woohoo!
And then last night...awake again at 1:50am. But...I slept through him crying! What kind of mother am I? I didn't sleep through entirely - I mean, when he started we both woke up. I managed to mumble "we're not getting him, right?" to Mr. Random, who confirmed. And then....I went back to sleep. So when Wiggles woke me at 4:45am this morning, I thought he'd only cried for 20 minutes and we were making progress! Mr. Random informed me later that, in fact, he'd cried his usual 1.5 hours. When I asked Mr. Random what kind of mother would sleep through that - he said "a tired one". And, truth be told, I AM exhausted. This trying to work on my PhD and teach AND be a mommy is all a bit tiring!
So - now The Conundrum. The pediatrician had mentioned (I'm adding this for you too Aisha!) that if we have a really hard time with not feeding him until after 4-5am, that we could try going in right before we go to bed (so like 9 or 10pm after putting him down around 7 or 8) and waking him up to feed him again.
Now. The Sacred Rule in this house is: Never wake a sleeping baby.
So this suggestion just sounds insane to us. And we're not ready yet to try it. Even with the 2 steps back, we do still have the occasional step forward...so for now...we'll stick with The New Regime. And hope Wiggles learns soon to eat enough before bed, soothe himself if he wakes up in the night, and we'll all sleep peacefully. *fingers crossed!*
Friday, January 28, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Here's how today went, from my point of view.
We went to bed at the same time. Wiggles, thankfully, slept through the night. When he woke at 6am, I got up and fed him. I then took my shower and got ready for the day. Mr. Random slept in. I imagine my morning activities disturbed his sleep - but it can't be more than his did my sleep back when Wiggles was BARELY sleeping and Mr. Random was working.
I started working on somethings and checking email. Got breakfast, and realized that Wiggles would want to eat about 15-20 minutes before I needed to leave to go teach (separate from the 7:30 class). So I started pumping about 40 minutes before I planned to leave. Amazingly, Wiggles slept this whole 2 hour chunk of time!
Right as I was finishing pumping, and literally 5 minutes before I had wanted to leave, Mr. Random gets up and informs me that the baby is waking. He wants to know if I'll be able to feed him, since he can see I'm pumping.
Um. No, dear, I have to leave, that's why I'm pumping. I finish pumping while Mr. Random gets Wiggles and plays with him while I prepare the milk into a bottle. I hand that to Wiggles, and he manages to hold it and get the nipple into his mouth! When did he learn to do that? I just handed him the bottle to see what he'd do! I then grab my stuff and head out the door, 10 minutes late.
I teach my class. Roughly 3 hours late I arrive back home, just in time to feed a hungry baby. Which I do - knock another 40 minutes off my day. Though, I ate lunch at the same time, so yay multi-tasking!
We want to go on a walk with the baby, the plan is to do so after he finishes eating. Problem - our stroller tires are flat. So we go on the walk with just the baby carrier. I end up feeling ill on the walk but we finish it. I'm frustrated that this takes another hour plus out of my productive hours, but am glad to spend the time with my family. Mr. Random and I definitely need to start doing things like this to reconnect, with or without (probably better) Wiggles.
We get back and I try to get some work done. Now, before we left, Mr. Random DID start a roast in the slow cooker. Though I had to offer input the whole time. Fine. I appreciate him actually doing the work.
I did get some work done, but soon it was time to do the rest of dinner. Mr. Random wanted steamed broccoli. It's not hard, and yet he doesn't know how so I always do it? And we were making roasted potatoes. We? No. Me. Meanwhile, he's been playing his video games. Every so often I have to cross between him and the TV b/c we have a small apartment. This apparently pisses him off. He complains about it. He picked a poor time though, because I had just STOPPED working, to finish cooking dinner. While he played his video game.
REALLY? I'm trying to get work done while you play a video game, and you're going to get upset at me for walking over to the window to draw the blinds because it's dark outside now?
We had dinner and watched a movie together. I didn't feel like it a lot b/c I was irritated, but thought I needed to swallow my pride and do something sort of together with him. After the movie and dinner it was time for clean up. He started to help and spilled a bunch of the sauce from the slow cooker - I asked what happened and he said in an irritated voice "I'm tired!".
I'm sorry that I don't have much sympathy - considering you slept in 3 hours later than I did, told me earlier you weren't doing any work today, your contributions to dinner were equal or less than mine, and you spent the rest of the day either playing with our son or video-gaming.
That's all. Just venting.
I called the pediatrician - and she said, in brief, that poor, dear Wiggles is not to eat before 4am (it's like he's a gremlin!). So, keep on with our bedtime rituals and putting him down around 7pm +/- 1 hour like we have (it's been pretty close to 7 this whole past week) and then if he wakes up before 4am - and she'd really like that closer to 5am even - don't feed him. Let him cry.
We can pat him and comfort him if we like - but no picking him up. And for the love of all things, keep my boobies in my shirt.
Sigh. And of course, the first night under the new regime - Wiggles woke at 2am. And promptly cried for 1.5 hours. We'd all have gotten more sleep if I'd just fed him! (that only takes 40 minutes)
But. Night 2? He slept until 6am!
It's too soon to declare victory - but it's definitely a step in the right direction.
Monday, January 24, 2011
I still haven't asked the pediatrician about the night feeds. I plan to call and ask tomorrow. I had decided that he must really be hungry and I'd just go with it because he is still pretty young. And after making that decision life was good, and then better - he slept for 10 hours 2 nights in a row! I thought we'd *finally* made it into the blissful world of regular - long - sleep. And then...it started to fall apart. It started with a waking at 4am. The next night, it was 3:30am. Then 3...2:55...2:45...and then last night he woke up at 1am and 6am before actually waking for the day at 8:30. Ugggghhhh.
And tonight? Well...I put him down early because he's been super tired the past 2-3 days. We think he might be fighting off a cold? :( He's had some boogers and the slightest of a runny nose but the biggest "symptom" is excessive tiredness. He just seems tired ALL day long! And took a super long nap yesterday (perhaps why he woke more at night?). So I put him down early but he's been SUUUPER fussy - it sounded like he went to sleep, but I just heard some crying on the monitor. It was there for about 10 seconds...and then gone. Is he crying in his sleep? Is he still awake? Is he really sick and he needs something? He hasn't had a fever...we've been checking every day.
Anyway, I'll be calling the pediatrician, and I'll be sure to ask about the nighttime feedings. I'll keep you posted.
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