Friday, September 30, 2011


I liked the dynamic interface - but there was no way to add back in my blog roll! And because I'm antiquated and haven't added these blogs to Google Reader...that blog roll is the only place I have the links to the blogs I like to read.

I may need to learn how to use Google Reader.


I had an a-hah moment yesterday. I have a cousin how is about 8 years younger than me, who just gave birth to her first baby. She and her husband have been married about a year and a half. I think I mentioned them before. Neither is highly educated or trained and consequently both work(ed) very entry level, low pay jobs.

Despite this, they recently purchased a house. (my understanding is that their parents helped...must be nice) And went ahead and had a baby.

Now, from my point of view...I was quite a bit older, (one would hope wiser), had been married longer, and was far more educated when I had my baby last year. And I remember being so overwhelmed, as I'm sure most parents are. I was musing on this the other night and mentioned it to Mr. Random - kind of an off-the-cuff you think Cousin is so overwhelmed right now?

And he said no.

No!? No. Of course not, and if she is, she has her parents, her sisters, her brothers, her husband's parents, and her husband's sisters all within about 15-20 minutes of her house.  So if she is feeling overwhelmed, she can call on any of them for help.


And it just became so clear why Mr. Random and I have been struggling soooo much. We gave up our Village. And we didn't find a new one. We're totally on our own down here. We have a few friends who we can call if we need something, who might be able to help us. But we have no family. And no one that we can call that we'd know, even at 3am, would pick up, rush over, and help us out. No one. And that's hard.

It is what it is, and I don't regret moving so far from family for the most part. But it was just a nice, Oh! moment to realize that things ARE hard for us. And there's a very simple reason. And it's not that we're inadequate. Or stupid. Or somehow less than we ought to be. In fact, given the circumstances, we're probably doing reasonably well.

It's bittersweet, to be sure. But I'm just so glad to realize that I'm not less.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

New Interface

I'm trying out the new interface and a dynamic template. I'm not sure how I feel about it. Part of me likes it...part of me doesn't. I think the part that doesn't is the same part that is resistant toward change.

Mr. Random came home from counseling yesterday and suggested couples counseling might be a good idea for us! He said that he's always felt it was like a death knell or the very last thing you did before divorce, so that's why he's been resistant. But after talking with his counselor he thought that actually, it made sense as proper maintenance. A lot of our fights have been over the same things year in and year it makes sense to get a mediator of sorts involved to see if they can help us get past these issues we haven't yet solved ourselves.

It was a really good conversation actually. He had a few other points as well, and was able to make them very matter of factly, and even though it wasn't easy to hear how I've/we've been failing, it was good. It was good to have that open communication and to be honest about where we'd like to see improvement.

So, now to see about couple's counseling.

And I need to get back into individual counseling too. I've been dragging my feet because the idea of starting over with someone new, when my old counselor was just so perfect for me, is not very pleasant. But...I think it'll help.

Sunday, September 25, 2011


I'm currently a TA for an upper divisional class in our department. This means I get to do a LOT of grading and a few other things. This class is set up with some exams and one big research project broken into 3 pieces they turn in throughout the semester.  The first piece was due this past week.

Several students were late or didn't start it until the night before, despite urging from the instructor that such behavior would damage their grades. But they were "busy" and had "things".

I just don't get it.

I have a baby. He's been sick. I have a husband who is going through a mid-life crisis of sorts, attempting to find his career in life and busy doing his own school work and job searching. Which means lately I've picked up the slack on feeding this family. It's not small job. I'm planning the meals, grocery shopping, and cooking most nights lately.

I'm plain worn out.

And I'd like to say I'm better than these students, and keeping on top of my work but the honest truth is I'm not. My dissertation is suffering big time. A website I'm supposed to be developing is suffering just slightly less. I'm managed to stay somewhat on top of the grading...but I feel like that means my priorities are backwards. Because it's clear this class isn't a priority for many of the students taking it.

I'm just tired. And frustrated. And need a housewife. And possibly daycare for my son.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Where we're at

A better place so far. Mr. Random has started seeing a counselor and has also started taking some anti-depressants. He has some ADD meds too.

I have stopped seeing a counselor as the one I'd been seeing (who helped me so much more than anyone else ever had) moved to a new practice that is out of network for my insurance. I still wanted to see if I could go but it means a $1000 deductible and then they'll start covering 50% of the cost - which is $115/hr. Yikes!

Just not possible at this time.

So I need to go back and start over with a new counselor, but I'm dragging my feet because I so liked the old one.

Despite my set backs I feel a bit happier and less trapped and more loved. It does feel like Mr. Random is less critical....and less of a tool since he's started taking his meds and counseling. Which is nice. I know it's not all on his end...I need to make changes too.

But I feel like we're making progress, and right now, that feels pretty good.

Meanwhile, Wiggles is walking and talking! No more bottles - he eats table food and drinks from sippy cups! He's so big!

I'm worried right now he's not getting enough to eat. He's a bit of a little guy and was only 15% for weight at his 12 mo check up...I guess we'll see. We got back for a booster flu shot in October - I'll be very curious to see how his weight gain is then.

Monday, September 12, 2011

I'd like to elaborate

First - thanks for the comment EcoGeoFemme! I have actually read that book and enjoyed the perspective it provided. I read it about a year ago. I asked the husband to do the same. He just started reading it at the beginning of the summer. And has not finished it in lieu of other, more interesting, reading. He also says he just doesn't agree with a lot of the things the book says.

So what do I mean by "trapped in a loveless marriage"? Well, I feel trapped on account of our son. And I don't mean that I have to stay in this marriage come hell or high water. I feel that, because of him, we both have a very serious obligation to try to make our marriage work. Which means making it a happy, healthy, and productive relationship. In its current form, it is not.

Which is the loveless part. I just don't feel cared for at all. I feel like I take the time to get lunch ready for everyone (we're doing family meals as much as possible in keeping with this book), while the husband reads his book. Or something similar. Basically, it feels like I do chores or meal planning or various things to keep our household running while he goes to the gym, reads his book, works on his stuff. And then treats the meal planning as "my free time" or somehow like I did that because I enjoyed it? I don't. I seldom get to do things I enjoy because I spend all my free time doing chores.

The irony is. I'm pretty sure he feels much the same way. About a month ago he said as much and I completely agreed and felt like I was such a slacker. But looking around lately...I'm not a slacker. I just don't do the big-item things HE cares about. Like taking out the trash/recycling. I hate it. It's heavy. It's hard for me. The recycling is far away. So it's true. I don't do those chores. But if we look around a little...we'll see I still do quite a lot.

These are things I need to say to him. We need to be able to have an adult conversation about it, but I don't honestly know where to start. Every time I've tried recently to bring up something like this I'm met with very defensive behavior that immediately responds with how HE's hurt. How HE's frustrated. Which is so, so not productive. Whenever he brings up his issues I wait to air mine. Because otherwise it turns into a battle. But this means I generally don't get to air my issues, and when I do, it turns into an argument about his issues again.

Thus. The need for counseling.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

What do you do

when you realize that a big reason you've been feeling so miserable at that you're trapped in a loveless marriage?

Do you...

-weep profusely?
-turn stony hearted and cold?
-seek couples counseling?
-seek an affair?

I'm inclined toward the middle two. I feel stony hearted and cold. I think we need counseling.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

And moving on

Pity party (see previous post) is over. Well, mostly. I'm trying to focus on the positive (a [mostly] healthy and super-sweet little son). :)

I just have one more parting thought (for now) on pregnancy and childbirth. From my soapbox. It's this: I really, personally, respect the process of pregnancy and the process of childbirth. I think about all the many factors that can go wrong. And I just am in awe of all the things that do go right. It's truly, truly amazing. I don't know if respect is even the right word for how I feel about these processes. And while my last labor was drug-free, I have no idea how my next will go. I am fully aware that any number of things can be, will be, different and consequently, my next pregnancy and labor will be different. And I'm okay with that. A little nervous and a lot excited to see how it all unfolds.

And this is what bugs me about some people in my family and of my acquaintance who are currently pregnant or trying to be (and freely sharing their thoughts on the matter). Not everyone, for sure, but a lot of these individuals seem to have absolutely no respect or awe or even concern for pregnancy and childbirth as processes. It seems they view them more as unfortunate but necessary hurdles they must jump to "join the club" of mommyhood. And it just irks me.

Different, but not the same

A friend of mine recently had a baby boy. She had a long and arduous labor ultimately resulting in a c-section, but since that things have been smooth sailing. Her baby sleeps. A lot. She just sets and alarm every 2-3 hours at night. Wakes up, gets the little man up, feeds him, and then they all go back to sleep. And sleep they all do. And the sweet young one doesn't even wake up crying.

Now, she knows that this could all change. And maybe he's still exhausted from their difficult labor. But come on!

Please don't misunderstand, I'm super happy for my friend. I'm glad she's got such an easy going fella who SLEEPS. But for myself, I'm throwing a self-centered totally unreasonable pity party. The utter exhaustion I experienced for the first 4 months of my son's life is still quite fresh in my mind.

I've been reassured by many who witnessed the events first hand that it was not my fault. That the sleep issues were just reflux related or the way my boy is. But I start to wonder. And I start to feel inadequate. Or at least cheated somehow.

About this Blog

I have a journal. You know, the real kind...paper, bound in a book form...nice leather cover. And I do write in it...every few months. I like it, but somehow I find it hard to keep up regularly. I'm at a computer nearly all the time, so I find it easier to keep up on this blog. So, that's what this blog is for. To help me journal when I'm away from my journal. A place to collect my thoughts before I lose them to the chaos of my mind.

Or see my first post here. That's why I started this blog.