Friday, September 7, 2012

Fuzzy Logic

I've been having epiphanies about what I really, truly at the fundamental level believe.

One of these deeply rooted beliefs is one of my biggest obstacles to happiness. I seem to have a superstitious view - I genuinely believe that if I'm too happy for too long...something terrible will happen. Like someone-I-love-will-die-terrible. 

The rational side of my brain can see how this makes no sense. Logically, in my head, I can make the statement that my being happy has no control or effect on someone else dying. Unless I do something to directly cause the Tragic Event - it's not my fault.

But I can't believe that.

For example - today has been a GREAT day. A really awesome Friday. It started overcast, rainy, and in the 70' just the kind of weather I love. I made it to my class on time (I was worried because of the rain) and had a really great lab session - great students, funny banter, some good one-on-one enlightenment which I love. Just a great morning.

It kept going. I went and had my allergy follow up appointment, which was fine, and then found out that I'm going to be unexpectedly paid $1000 for work I was already doing for free. What a boon!

THEN, I get a call from our property manager and we're getting a $150 rent credit for all the problems we've had with the AC going out this summer! Thank you!

All of this should have me soaring higher than a kite - and I was for moments today. And I still kind of am...but my kite is anchored with a heavy pressing weight of anxiety. It literally presses on my chest. And more than once today, I've found myself wondering when the other shoe will drop. As each great thing added to an already great morning...I'm filled with increasing dread that something increasingly terrible is waiting in the wings.

It doesn't help that my dad had a stroke at the beginning of the summer. And then a possible TIA just last week. 

I think if I could shake this unswerving belief that somehow my personal happiness is going to somehow cause personal tragedy...I'd be a lot happier.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

And on that note

It's a cruel and ironic world. I'm spending a fair amount of time on my job application materials for academic jobs. The trouble is that is taking considerable time away from (and thereby stalling) my dissertation. I must finish the dissertation to get said jobs. However, I must do a good job on the applications to get said jobs. 

You see the irony there, right?

*head* *desk*

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

The Joy of Yoga

Time for a more positive post! Since I seem to be mostly motivated to write when not in such a positive place.

I've started doing yoga. I definitely love it. And it's been amazing because some sessions leave me feeling like I just had a massage - I feel that relaxed and open. But it's much cheaper than a massage, so bonus! And...possibly better for me?

I usually practice with an "intention" (as guided by instructor) and usually I make my intention Inner Peace and Tranquility. Because that's something I need more of. Tonight I made it Inner Peace and Happiness. So far, I think it's working.

I'll be focusing more on that Intention.

Monday, September 3, 2012

My "Hobby"

It's taken me a long time to come to this realization, but I'm glad I'm finally there. I've felt frustrated off-and-on for at least 2 years now...for reasons I could never nail down, until now.

You see, I realize that my husband and I treat what I "do" as a hobby.

Not, a Job.

Despite the fact what I do is challenging, time-consuming, has specific requirements, and does, in fact, pay...somehow, we've decided it's not a Job. It's a hobby.

I think this goes back to when we were first married, 6ish years ago. And when I first started my master's degree. I was in school, making a pittance as a grad student, and my dear husband was slaving away for a Grocer-that-shall-not-be-named. In the very beginning we were quite precarious financially, but within 6 months my husband had been promoted to an Assistant Manager. A Job, for sure. With salary, benefits, and STRESS to boot. Not to mention an iron-tight fist held onto all of his "free" time. He worked 17 hour shifts, y'all. But he was salary so he never saw an extra dime. In short, it sucked.

And while he held this life-force-sucking Job, I was in graduate school. And I'll be honest. Those first two years, I was living it up. I had free time. Plenty of it. My best friend at the time found herself on bedrest due to pregnancy and I would spend about 4 hours nearly every day at her house with her. Scrapbooking. While we watched crappy TV. It boggles my mind now, how I had the time to do it...but somehow I made it work. I still met my obligations to my "work" - usually working on it in the wee hours waiting for my husband to come home (usually around midnight to 2am).

But who was I kidding? I was enjoying myself, had plenty of free time, and made less than half what my husband did. While we certainly needed my eager income to meet our financial requirements (including saving) didn't feel like a Job. Not compared to my husband's, anyway. So I think that is when we both started thinking of what I do/did as a "hobby". And I'm as much guilty as he.

The trouble is, now, some 6 years on, I don't feel what I do counts as a "hobby" anymore. I've taken on extra jobs in addition to the grad school gig. I teach at a community college. (that is, in fact, a job, am I right?) I spend about 40 hours per week at school working on my PhD stuffs and TA duties, and then still have work at home in the evenings after the wee one is in bed.

Which. Sounds very Job and not Hobby to me.

So, despite the fact that my time commitment to my work, and the amount of work I'm doing has changed, our mentality has not. So I'm still expected to do more of the housework. And if it comes down to deciding between his work or mine, his will win because it's "real" and mine can wait.

To be fair, I have more flexibility in most deadlines than he does. He's currently teaching middle school and has to be there certain hours of every day M-F. I...don't have such strict time requirements. But by golly, I still have important shit to do! And I'm tired of us acting like what I do is not important, does not amount to real work, and therefore it should go Last on the List of Family Items. 

This is all being tipped off by some recent comments and a very fun and relaxing vacation for the 3 day weekend. I had been fixing after getting a MacBook Pro. Mr. Random finally conceded I could buy it if I needed it...but through a fun twist of fate, my computer at work got updated after in the end I didn't NEED it as much as I had the week before. So decided to wait. Though I argued one advantage would be being able to take it with us on all these vacations we've been discussing taking (one during his Fall break, when I don't have a break at all but probably can make it work) - and he said, well, you shouldn't take work on vacation...doesn't that defeat the purpose of vacation? I conceded his point.

That was last Thursday y'all.

Fast forward to...Friday. The very next day. When we left for our 3-day vacation. Guess who brought a mountain of grading and was hoping to get his lesson plans done?


So. Hmmm. It's okay for him? But not for me? I brought this up and he defended himself by saying that he has hard deadlines and I, do not.

I find myself wondering what's going to happen when next year (I hope! I hope! I hope!) I have an undeniably "real" job as an Assistant Professor (I hope! I hope! I hope!)? What then? Because at that point, I should be making more $$ than him. And certainly my job will be real. And more prestigious. Will the pendulum finally swing back the other way and it will be him taking the lion's share of baby-caring and house-keeping?

I doubt it.

Which is why I suppose we'll have to talk about this. Which brings to mind another post - how is it, that after 10ish years with find it harder to bring up important things, not easier?

Sunday, September 2, 2012

On jealousy

Have I already written about this? Despite having my wonderful two year old, I feel jealous when I see birth announcements on Facebook. What is that about?

At first I the maybe it meant I was ready for number 2. And maybe I am? doesn't feel like that's the root of the jealousy.

Maybe it's just the Facebook effect? I find I already think these people have perfect lives, and NOW they get to have a perfect little baby. And it just wasn't perfect for me. And my life is so messy and complicated and ?...

Anyone else?

I don't like feeling this way.

Sent from my iPad

About this Blog

I have a journal. You know, the real kind...paper, bound in a book form...nice leather cover. And I do write in it...every few months. I like it, but somehow I find it hard to keep up regularly. I'm at a computer nearly all the time, so I find it easier to keep up on this blog. So, that's what this blog is for. To help me journal when I'm away from my journal. A place to collect my thoughts before I lose them to the chaos of my mind.

Or see my first post here. That's why I started this blog.