My Crazy

We all have our own brand of crazy, don't we?  I feel like new mom's are especially called out for their crazy.  Maybe that's just me.

Mr. Random told me the other day that I haven't been very crazy for a new mom, but the one thing I HAVE been crazy about is breastfeeding.

I'm a little miffed.  And irritated.  And annoyed.  Because, he really doesn't get it.  He knows he doesn't.  But despite that, felt comfortable telling me that I was a little batshit crazy about breastfeeding.

And I suppose I was.  I was very particular about Wiggles getting nursed on a schedule.  And when it was time to go back to work, I was very particular about making sure I pumped every 3-6 hours.  And while he thinks this made me "crazy" I think it was a perfectly normal response.

This was my baby's food!  This is what was keeping him alive!  Mr. Random, says now, that we could have supplemented with formula all along.  But you know what?  I felt a lot of pressure from him that "breast was best" and that I needed to make an honest go of it.  Not be like those "other women" who don't even try or give up early because it isn't convenient.  And now he turns around and says I was crazy about it?  Ugh.  Men.

This is coming up because I've stopped breastfeeding Wiggles.  And I'm pretty sad about it.  He was biting me with his razor sharp little teeth and it was getting worse, not better, so we pulled the plug.  I continued pumping and was actually pumping enough he could have half or more of his bottles every day as breastmilk instead of formula.  I'm lucky that I respond quite well to the pump.  But...pumping is time consuming.  Annoying.  And it started to really hurt!  I couldn't figure out why it hurts so much but it really hurt!  (turn down the suction genius...)

And then we went on vacation, and it was just a challenge to pump regularly.  And Mr. Random was not at ALL supportive.  He tells me later he thought my pumping was a hindrance and annoying.  Thanks...

So now I've stopped pumping entirely.  Truth be told, I didn't much want to.  It IS time consuming and annoying to me.  Breastfeeding was magical...pumping...eh.  Necessary evil.  But I'm a little mad about how it all went down and a little frustrated because I think I COULD have kept pumping until Wiggles' first birthday and...well, it seems like I SHOULD if I COULD, right?

The other thing, I've noticed, at least for me, about giving up breastfeeding is that...it's like giving up part of my identity.  Which is crazy!  I mean...I spent 99% of my life NOT breastfeeding.  But...it's like the last thing that made me "special".  I mean, for 40 weeks I was pregnant.  I was "special" and supporting this new little life that was growing.  Then I was supporting that little life with breastmilk.  Still "special".  My body was still doing something amazing.

Now?  Now I'm...just... me again.  Nothing special.

I know I'm not just me.  I know I'm a mom now too.  And I'll always have those memories and I have a very wonderful bond with my little guy.  But I do feel less "special".