Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Feeling Sad

We gave our cats to the humane society today.  I'm really upset about it still.  I've cried off and on since we decided to do it this morning.  This decision has been about 6 months coming though.  It doesn't make it any easier.

And the worst part for now?  I didn't even give the kitties a proper good-bye.  I was too upset.

I hope they find a good home that can give them the attention they deserve.  I'm so, so sad that I couldn't find that home for them.  God knows I tried.  I'm so, so sad that we could no longer be that home for them.  We tried to work on that too.

I can't fully believe they're gone.  I keep thinking I hear the little one mewing at the balcony door.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Twice on Tuesday

It's still Tuesday! I was out of town last week so things have been a little crazy, but it's time for some positive reflection.

This week I'm very grateful for Mr. Random.  He's such a great father to Wiggles and a really great husband to me.  We don't always see eye-to-eye and sometimes that causes conflict, but we've gotten better at facing that conflict and working through it.  And I'm so glad he's stuck with me through the chaos and the crazy.  When I was traveling last week I was traveling alone with Wiggles - and I did it and was fairly successful.  But it really brought to my attention how much I appreciate having a partner to parent with.

I'm also grateful for beautiful flowers.  I wanted to take a picture to share but my memory card is full and I haven't had a chance to download the pictures and videos.  Which is another thing I'm grateful for actually - all the good memories captured on flash drive.  :)  I recently bought some bright pink fake lilies and put them in a large crystal vase that used to just sit empty most days on our table.  It really brightens the room and I smile every time I see them.  So worth the $10!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Twice on Tuesday....on Wednesday?

I missed my Twice on Tuesday!  Jeeze, that's not a very auspicious beginning, is it?

Oh well - better late than never in this case!  (and most cases probably)

And, I get to include something else wonderful - our rainy/windy/stormy weather that we had today!  Living in a predominately sunny climate makes me appreciate the "dismal" weather even more.  So I'm a happy camper.

Today I'm thankful for health insurance and counseling services on campus.  It makes things possible that otherwise, quite frankly, would be un-affordable- important things like doctor's visits and counseling sessions.  And I'll stop there because otherwise I'll get all upset about the state of health in America.  :)

Saturday, April 2, 2011

It is time

I'm going to make a counseling appointment on Monday.  I'd have made it today if it wasn't the weekend.  This has nothing to do with my previous post and everything to do with feeling down in the dumps and realizing this is/has been a long-term problem.  I have good days and bad days, but most days really have been blah.  Mr. Random has the same issues and this is causing severe strain on our marriage.  I hope he will follow my lead and make an appointment as well.  Because I don't think he's been happy....well, probably for 5 years+ now. 

There are several factors I think - that have gotten us where we are today.  I feel like I was looking over all the decisions we've made as a couple and as individuals over the past 5 years and...while every decision was made in good faith with a (probably misplaced) hope that each decision would have a positive outcome...I now feel we've nearly boxed ourselves into misery.  We don't have a strong support network at all.  We have few friends down here, and the good friends we had no longer have time for us - partly because when we moved after losing the house we moved roughly 30 miles away from where they live.  But also, we've never had a good track record with making and keeping friends.  We're not sure why.  Maybe we're smelly?  It doesn't really matter, the point is - we don't have many friends.  All of our family live far away - the closest is a sister who lives a 6-10 hour drive away (depending on traffic) but with gas prices as they are....we don't see each other much anymore.  Also, Mr. Random is not at all close to his family, and I can see why.  So...we're kind of on our own out here.

and we just went done had a baby.  Yeah.  I thought we were about as "ready" as a couple can be for such an endeavor that I think you can never really be ready for.  I'm thinking now that we were not at all ready.  With no support network in place and the fact that we both have  been struggling to find probably wasn't the best timing.  Don't get me wrong - I love Wiggles and don't regret him for a minute...but it can't be denied that the stress of a baby has had some seriously negative consequences on Mr. Random and my relationship and our own individual happiness.  Especially as we have such a limited network.  We literally know 2 people we can ask to babysit.  And they're both really busy right now.  Which means we've gone on exactly 3 dates in the past 7 months.  And I think we've had intimate relations about that many times too. 

So, that's all a problem.  Further, we have some serious money stresses/struggles, which is a major problem for couples all over I'm sure.  But we've had money struggles, so far, for our entire marriage.  I end up feeling like it's my fault, but I'm pretty sure Mr. Random feels our current struggles are his fault.  Ultimately, one big problem is that I've been a poor grad student for 5 years now.  And that takes a serious toll - because I'm busy, and can't do all the housework myself, and yet I make piddlings for my time.  Meanwhile....Mr. Random had his life force sucked dry working jobs he hated to attempt to pay the bills.  All while I got to pursue my little dreams in grad school.  Ugh.

Basically, I really really feel right now, that if I could go back knowing what I know now...I'd do it different.  And that's never a good feeling.  I would not have bought that God-forsaken house for starters.  Actually - I'd go further back.  I think I should have given up this foolish notion of being a scientist and gone instead for pharmacy.  I understand you can make good $$ in the profession, I loved chemistry as an undergrad, and actually kind of enjoy tedious, detailed work.  And.  I'd be done with my schooling already.  4 years pre-pharm, 4 years of pharmacy school - I'd be done and making the big $$ by now.  And I hear could go to part time when I had the little kidlet, which sounds like a perfect situation to me at this point.  And I could probably be supporting our family while Mr. Random works out what he wants to do with himself (he still doesn't really know).  and aaaghhh!  It just seems like such a better idea from where I sit.  I really feel like I would go back and knock some sense into my 19 year old head if I could. 

Which I normally never feel that way - because who knows how things would have turned out?  That's such a different's entirely possibly I could be married to someone else...divorced....or otherwise equally unhappy.  And it's entirely possible little Wiggles wouldn't have come to be...and that's a sad, sad thought. 

At any rate, I am not currently presented the opportunity to change the past.  So I need to focus on positive changes in the that hopefully we can all have a happier future.  And I think that starts with counseling.  And getting my butt in gear to graduate ASAP - I think that's still the best idea.  I've been entertaining the idea all morning that I should quit and get a "real" job now to solve the money situation sooner than later.  We could even move - I could find a job closer to family to help with the support network issue!  But that sounds like a kind of dumb idea....right?  I mean, it would kind of make all the past years of suffering....well....for nothing.  Right?

About this Blog

I have a journal. You know, the real kind...paper, bound in a book form...nice leather cover. And I do write in it...every few months. I like it, but somehow I find it hard to keep up regularly. I'm at a computer nearly all the time, so I find it easier to keep up on this blog. So, that's what this blog is for. To help me journal when I'm away from my journal. A place to collect my thoughts before I lose them to the chaos of my mind.

Or see my first post here. That's why I started this blog.