Sunday, May 24, 2009

Good Quotes

I like good quotes. I find it reassuring when I find one that really resonates - it helps me remember that others have gone through what I'm going through and I'm not alone. Lately I've been feeling more down on our financial situation and the way BBBB was fired and frustrated that it feels like we've had many, many challenges in the few short years we've been married. And then I saw this quote:

"If you're going through hell, keep going." -Winston Churchill

Of course - I know others have gone through much worse, and I wouldn't want to go through hell with anyone else at my side...but I think it's fair to acknowledge we're going through a hard time right now...and it's nice to remember that the best thing to do at this point is "keep moving forward" - there's always another side, and maybe once we get there, we'll feel it's all been worthwhile. Or at least we'll appreciate the relative calm that much more.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Life as a Game of Chess?

Lately we've been facing a challenge and it's pretty scary. In the midst of the recession my husband, who henceforth shall be referred to as Benny Boo Boo Boo (or BBBB) for short (we like movie quotes), has been fired and now wants to change careers. It's a tough time to do that. Adding to the stress, we are in a house that's worth 55% of what we owe on it. It seems like the easiest thing would be to stop paying the mortgage and see if the bank wants to modify our loan then. I've tried for about 6 months now to get them to modify it w/o us going into default. They, so far, have been uninterested. And if we foreclose, oh well - we're then free to move into an apartment closer to where I work. As long as they don't mind our foreclosure...But, complicating this is the fact that the career BBBB wants to move into will do a credit check - and not meeting your financial obligations is pretty much a fail - no can do - we won't hire you. Sigh. So we have to find a way to pay the mortgage. All this is more confusing when I think that BBBB was going for that same job almost 3 years ago, but it didn't work out. What if it had then? Wouldn't our lives be that much simpler? Of course, if it had - I might not be on the path I am now. I would probably have been content to be a stay-at-home-mom. I still feel like that would be ideal. But we can't afford it...and now I'm pretty content with this other path.

Basically, confusing as that paragraph was, my point is this: I feel like the past 3 years of our lives have been building up to this moment. Like since then we've been involved in a giant game of chess - and only now am I starting to realize that we're limited in options. It's like waking up in the middle of the game, and seeing that you have about 2 moves left - and all the moves you made up to this point are what's trapped you now. I'm not very good at's hoping I am somewhat better at living life.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Shifting Change

"Whatever happened happened for a reason and could not have happened any other way" - I want to believe this, I really do. But I don't completely. I worry that it COULD have happened another way, or worse, SHOULD have happened a different way.

I feel like I'm in a shifting puzzle and that if I only pick the right move, then everything will work out fine. But I have several options before me, and I'm not sure which one is right. I have no idea what the outcome of any choice is at this point - but I know I don't want to make a bad one.

Thursday, May 14, 2009


Thank you to the lady that waved today. I was driving during rush hour and let someone merge in front of me, just like I usually do (I figure if we all did rush hour would go a lot faster) but today something different happened. The woman driving the car I let in, waved, to show her appreciation. That seems to never happen here in Phoenix; in fact, I think Phoenix drivers are the rudest of my experience. And that little gesture, so small, requiring little effort on her part, really made my day. It made the whole drive more pleasant and helped me have the patience to endure the rude drivers who later cut me off only to brake suddenly right in front of me. It's really the small gestures that can make all the difference.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Where to Begin

Perhaps the best place to start is with why I've created this blog. I have another blog that is designed to keep friends and family informed of our doings from afar. It's filled with pictures and descriptions of activities and has been great fun to keep up. At the same time, it is not the kind of place for ranting or sharing general opinions about various happenings in the world as I experience them. This blog, I hope, will be the venue for that.

About this Blog

I have a journal. You know, the real kind...paper, bound in a book form...nice leather cover. And I do write in it...every few months. I like it, but somehow I find it hard to keep up regularly. I'm at a computer nearly all the time, so I find it easier to keep up on this blog. So, that's what this blog is for. To help me journal when I'm away from my journal. A place to collect my thoughts before I lose them to the chaos of my mind.

Or see my first post here. That's why I started this blog.