Saturday, April 2, 2011

It is time

I'm going to make a counseling appointment on Monday.  I'd have made it today if it wasn't the weekend.  This has nothing to do with my previous post and everything to do with feeling down in the dumps and realizing this is/has been a long-term problem.  I have good days and bad days, but most days really have been blah.  Mr. Random has the same issues and this is causing severe strain on our marriage.  I hope he will follow my lead and make an appointment as well.  Because I don't think he's been happy....well, probably for 5 years+ now. 

There are several factors I think - that have gotten us where we are today.  I feel like I was looking over all the decisions we've made as a couple and as individuals over the past 5 years and...while every decision was made in good faith with a (probably misplaced) hope that each decision would have a positive outcome...I now feel we've nearly boxed ourselves into misery.  We don't have a strong support network at all.  We have few friends down here, and the good friends we had no longer have time for us - partly because when we moved after losing the house we moved roughly 30 miles away from where they live.  But also, we've never had a good track record with making and keeping friends.  We're not sure why.  Maybe we're smelly?  It doesn't really matter, the point is - we don't have many friends.  All of our family live far away - the closest is a sister who lives a 6-10 hour drive away (depending on traffic) but with gas prices as they are....we don't see each other much anymore.  Also, Mr. Random is not at all close to his family, and I can see why.  So...we're kind of on our own out here.

and we just went done had a baby.  Yeah.  I thought we were about as "ready" as a couple can be for such an endeavor that I think you can never really be ready for.  I'm thinking now that we were not at all ready.  With no support network in place and the fact that we both have  been struggling to find probably wasn't the best timing.  Don't get me wrong - I love Wiggles and don't regret him for a minute...but it can't be denied that the stress of a baby has had some seriously negative consequences on Mr. Random and my relationship and our own individual happiness.  Especially as we have such a limited network.  We literally know 2 people we can ask to babysit.  And they're both really busy right now.  Which means we've gone on exactly 3 dates in the past 7 months.  And I think we've had intimate relations about that many times too. 

So, that's all a problem.  Further, we have some serious money stresses/struggles, which is a major problem for couples all over I'm sure.  But we've had money struggles, so far, for our entire marriage.  I end up feeling like it's my fault, but I'm pretty sure Mr. Random feels our current struggles are his fault.  Ultimately, one big problem is that I've been a poor grad student for 5 years now.  And that takes a serious toll - because I'm busy, and can't do all the housework myself, and yet I make piddlings for my time.  Meanwhile....Mr. Random had his life force sucked dry working jobs he hated to attempt to pay the bills.  All while I got to pursue my little dreams in grad school.  Ugh.

Basically, I really really feel right now, that if I could go back knowing what I know now...I'd do it different.  And that's never a good feeling.  I would not have bought that God-forsaken house for starters.  Actually - I'd go further back.  I think I should have given up this foolish notion of being a scientist and gone instead for pharmacy.  I understand you can make good $$ in the profession, I loved chemistry as an undergrad, and actually kind of enjoy tedious, detailed work.  And.  I'd be done with my schooling already.  4 years pre-pharm, 4 years of pharmacy school - I'd be done and making the big $$ by now.  And I hear could go to part time when I had the little kidlet, which sounds like a perfect situation to me at this point.  And I could probably be supporting our family while Mr. Random works out what he wants to do with himself (he still doesn't really know).  and aaaghhh!  It just seems like such a better idea from where I sit.  I really feel like I would go back and knock some sense into my 19 year old head if I could. 

Which I normally never feel that way - because who knows how things would have turned out?  That's such a different's entirely possibly I could be married to someone else...divorced....or otherwise equally unhappy.  And it's entirely possible little Wiggles wouldn't have come to be...and that's a sad, sad thought. 

At any rate, I am not currently presented the opportunity to change the past.  So I need to focus on positive changes in the that hopefully we can all have a happier future.  And I think that starts with counseling.  And getting my butt in gear to graduate ASAP - I think that's still the best idea.  I've been entertaining the idea all morning that I should quit and get a "real" job now to solve the money situation sooner than later.  We could even move - I could find a job closer to family to help with the support network issue!  But that sounds like a kind of dumb idea....right?  I mean, it would kind of make all the past years of suffering....well....for nothing.  Right?

1 comment:

  1. We all need counseling at some point, sometimes several points in our lives. You're going to work it all out. First step is realizing that you need help. No one can do it all. I'm rooting for you and commend you for your honesty with yourself. :)


About this Blog

I have a journal. You know, the real kind...paper, bound in a book form...nice leather cover. And I do write in it...every few months. I like it, but somehow I find it hard to keep up regularly. I'm at a computer nearly all the time, so I find it easier to keep up on this blog. So, that's what this blog is for. To help me journal when I'm away from my journal. A place to collect my thoughts before I lose them to the chaos of my mind.

Or see my first post here. That's why I started this blog.