Disparate Thoughts

I've composed several blog posts in my head these past weeks - doesn't do much good for actually getting them up here though!

So a list, or random disparate thoughts:

1. I need daycare. For my son. Pronto. He's on the waiting list at my first choice, but it doesn't look likely he'll get in by the time we need care. I have one more place to tour that's near campus...then I'll be looking at places near where we live, which lead into...

2. Where shall we live? We'll have to decide in January if we want to renew our lease or not. It looks like rent (which went waaaay up in the summer) has fallen back down to be inline with what we currently pay. We've basically said that if we can find a house to rent for the same price as our apartment rent, we'd prefer to move and live in the house. The trouble is...we for sure can't find a house in our current neighborhood at this price. And we really like our neighborhood. So...we'd have to move to a new neighborhood, and I'm not sure which one, and that makes the "looking at daycares near where we live" rather complicated.

3. I've taken up running. I really enjoy it. I feel happy when I run. It's so nice to start the day off feeling happy for half an hour!

4. We're traveling back to the PNW for Christmas. I am part excited, part happy, part anxious. The traveling part is always anxiety inducing. I'm sure it'll be great.

5. This semester is trying to kill me at the end. Work upon work keeps piling up with deadlines all aligned. It's just mean.

6. My dissertation has really come together in the past month or so. It's nice to have that clarity and, bonus, I like my project.

7. This maybe should be a post of its own, but our little Wiggles is slightly behind in verbal skills. He's meeting all of his motor milestones (and might even be ahead...Dr. didn't say) but he's not realllly talking yet. He babbles a bit, and most everything else is variations on Da. I guess he should be saying 3 words by now, but unless we count "uh oh" "chsssssssss" and "Da" he's not quite there. We've started narrating his play per the Dr.s suggestion (it feels silly) and it seems to be encouraging him to babble more! And last night when we read him the hungry caterpillar we both heard him attempt the word "butterfly" but that very well could have been wishful thinking. I guess the Dr will be looking to see if he can say 10 words by his next check up in 3 months.

Furious George

I am beyond pissed off right now. The past several weeks and the next several weeks are a rather intense time for me in my PhD program. Admittedly, this is in part due to my personal choices, and as was rather pointedly clarified for me by a certain in-law, being in my PhD program at all is "personal choice." And apparently, because I've made such a choice, I have no room to complain. (BullShit ma'm, Bullshit. Everyone complains about their choices. Usually about the parts of their choice that are beyond their control. But THAT, is another post).

So, it is during this intense time that I have received, not one, but two letters from two separate family members. In short, these letters are essentially asking me (and Mr. R by proxy) to change our values and beliefs regarding our son to better accommodate these family members and their values and beliefs. OUR son.

I'm beyond pissed. And I just don't get it. I wouldn't be so angry if I didn't want our son to have a relationship with these people. After all, the "are family." This has been my mantra since before Mr. Random and I married - he doesn't quite share it and is ready to just not have a relationship with members of his family if they can't respect him and his wishes. (one of the letters is from his side, one from mine). I'm starting to get on his band-wagon, because this is ridiculous.

One letter basically says that they won't be told what they are and aren't allowed to do with regards to our son. That they have certain "privileges" on account of being a grandparent. Maybe we're weird in that we don't agree? We think that being the parent means we get to say what they can and cannot do with our son? (this is like...big things...like force-feeding a 9 month old cookies w/o checking first with his mother to see if (1) he can handle that food texture and (2) oh....if he might not have allergies or some other digestive issue that might mean you should CHECK before you give a BABY food. Just saying.) We're not saying she has to clear every little detail, which, of course, is what she'll do. If she even acquiesces. She indicated in her letter that this could "mean goodbye" to all three of us. SERIOUSLY? Whatever.

The other letter is from a sibling. This sibling is dating a person who abused and killed one of her cats. BRUTALLY. She continues to date this man. We have thus far made it clear in no uncertain terms we will not allow this man in our son's presence. I've had some people say, oh, as long as lots of people are around, what's he going to do? Well...considering he was abusing the cats in the sibling's presence and she didn't notice...he could do a lot. Not to mention, generally in large family gatherings a lot is going on and there are lots of opportunities for such subtle abuse to occur. We aren't comfortable risking it. Sorry. This person has demonstrated brutal violence against smaller defensive less creatures that "annoyed" him. Not. Going. To. Risk. It.

So the letter was actually from this man, and forwarded by the sibling and we're encouraged to re-evaluate our stance. After all, he went to 4 weeks of counseling. And he attached a "scholarly" article that suggests maybe violence to animals doesn't transfer to humans after all. I can't wait until I have the time to rip the article apart properly (it merely cites correlations, and has weak statistics for it at that) and perhaps find a few other articles that support our beliefs (that it may, in fact, not be safe to have him around a baby).

The bottom line is, WE'RE the parents! These are the kinds of things WE decide. Not them.

So furious.

It's that time of my life

Proposal writing. Sometimes a bitch. But am I very odd if it's sometimes exhilarating?

I wrote 1600 words today.

I hope it's not all crap.

I also held office hours, cooked dinner, ate dinner as a family, played with my baby, did 1 load of laundry and went on a walk with my family.

I think I'll call it a day. A good day even.

Family Planning

I've thought about this off and on lately. And after having a oh-$*&#-could-I-be-pregnant? moment and realizing that such a thing would at this point in time bring on a cold sweat and fill me with great terror, I feel safe in saying now is not quite the time for our next little baby. We are pretty sure we only want 2 and we thought the ideal spacing would be about 3 years apart. Which...puts having the next little one right about when I'm trying to start my new job - that is, assuming I get such a job upon graduating...and assuming I graduate "on time" to my current plan. A lot of assumptions! Either way, that doesn't seem wise.

So then we could have the little one sooner - say a 2.5 year spacing. Which would put me having the next little one...right around when I defend my dissertation (same assumptions as above). That wouldn't be so bad - except I'd also be going to job interviews either hugely pregnant or with a very new newborn. I'm not keen on either option. This is all, of course, if I get an academic job. I suppose an industry job might give a little more flexibility in the timing of interviews and such.

Which leaves me thinking about 4 years apart might not be so bad. Maybe we have the next little one after I finish my first academic year at this imaginary new job? That seems...reasonable. I really don't want them much further apart than that...

I just don't know.

I've found it

Certainly not my sole passion, but a passion none the less. Whenever the lottery starts getting astronomically large Mr. Random and I start to muse on what we'd do if we won. We'd have to buy tickets first, in order to win of course, so I suppose we should get on that. The lack of tickets does not impede our musing in the least though.

We're in pretty close agreement about most of it. I think the powerball is at $148 million right now? Anyway, we usually start by realizing we'd have to pay at least half in taxes. So to be on the safe side we estimate we get about 40% of whatever the total is. With that meager amount we start dividing it up.

Pay all our debts off first. The cars, our student loans...I guess that's it now! We used to include the house in that...but that is no longer ours! 

Then we'd invest half of that remainder - we'd be getting a financial advisor for sure...who may tell us our current schemes are foolish, I have no idea. If so I guess we'll re-evaluate. But we'd try to invest half of it so that we could hopefully live off the interest. I'm not entirely sure how much money you need to be in such a position...but it seems like that should be enough. We're not really looking to change much of our lifestyle - we'd still look for a nice but modest home...plan on keeping our cars, etc.

Then we'd gift some to family - our plan is to gift some to our parents and siblings under the condition they cannot ask us for any more money later and they get financial advising with the gift. If they still squander it - their loss, but they're not getting more from us. We're thinking enough to our parents that they can pay off their houses and retire comfortably and then probably "only" $50,000 to each sibling. We have quite a few. :) We have a nephew now too...I suppose he could get his own $50,000 - in a trust of sorts for when he turns 21 maybe. So, we'd gift our families.

Then. We'd travel. We'd like to take a year and just SEE and LIVE in the world. With all our debts paid, we could!

After that glorious year, I really think I'd finish my PhD and look for a teaching job. Money wouldn't matter as much for salary because we would have the interest but, I really like what I do. And it'd be nice to do it without the pressure of needing a high power high salary or something. Mr. Random isn't sure what he'd do - he might go into teaching too. Maybe he'd get a PhD in History. Maybe he'd be a stay-at-home Dad. At any rate, he'd have time to figure out what he'd like to do.  Maybe...he'd run our charity/charities.

The next part was where it always got fuzzy. We both agree we'd like to take a portion to start a charity. Now, I think we probably would each start our own. I can't remember if Mr. Random has a specific one in mind but I know I'd always cast around with the thought of a scholarship...of some sort. Right now, I think I might still start a scholarship fund for Graduate Students With Children. Because there's a distinct dearth of resources for us. But I never really feel passionate about any ideas.

I now know exactly what I'd want to look into. I'd want to start a non-profit that is focused on rape prevention. I feel really, really strongly about this one. Like, I kind of want to see if I can volunteer or do something now. Obviously, I don't have the funds to start anything. But that's what I would want to do with a chunk of the money. And, it's a little tricky - because this subject is so difficult for me. I would have a hard time doing a lot of the work - like the research on what works and doesn't for prevention and how to treat and best serve victims. That would be very difficult for me. But that's the beauty of setting up the non-profit - I could be the visionary that assembles the team that gets it done. They can dig into the details that I still don't have the mental ability to go through. And this team that I'm imagining, could actually make a difference.  

 

Where is all of this coming from? Someone revealed to me recently that she'd been raped - and it left me reeling. And horrified. And so full of HATE. I HATE that rape exists. It's not even hate toward the awful people that commit this crime, though that's there too. I just HATE that it even happens at all. And it hit me - hating it does nothing. In fact, if anything, it's just more negative energy in my life that I don't need. But this other idea that I have...that has a chance of doing something positive. Maybe helping people. And I really like the idea.

So. There it is. What I'd do with the lottery if I won. I'd certainly take some and invest and be smart. I'd certainly give some to our family. And I'd certainly take some to be selfish and travel and see the world with my husband and my son. And I would certainly find a way to try to make a positive difference in rape prevention.

Why I can't read/watch the news

A 1 year old boy was fatally shot in the head in what appears to have been an attempted home robbery. My heart wrenches. I have a 1 year old little boy. He was home with his grandmother at the time. I can only imagine what that poor woman felt as she rushed him to a neighbor and called 911. My heart is wrenched just thinking about it.

It's so heart breaking. And the little one did nothing wrong. The grandmother did nothing wrong. These two heartless men showed up with a gun and killed a little one. They did do something wrong, but I kind of doubt they feel it.

And now I understand why people might only have one child. When I was younger I never understood why people would stop at one. Having many younger brothers and sister might be a factor in that, but it never made sense to me. Now I can see one possible explanation. When you have a baby it's like a piece of your heart living outside you. And you can protect it. And you can nurture it. But ultimately, things will happen to it beyond your control. It's a risk. Because a part of you can be so easily hurt. It's terrifying to think of taking that risk again. And having your heart broken into multiple pieces...all vulnerable in the world.

I still think Wiggles' will benefit from having a sibling. And we still think we'd like to have another baby. But I'm definitely leaning toward only one more now. Instead of our two, maybe three kid philosophy I had before Wiggles. I just don't know if I'm strong enough to have more.

Things I worry about

Have you seen the movie Independence Day? Or any other movie that involves a massive evacuation from cities? Or thought about what happens during a major natural disaster? When the streets are impassible because of all the chaos and people trying to rush around?

Now, when thinking about those scenarios, have you ever thought about the parents separated from their children? What happens in that case?

Do daycare centers and schools have plans for this? I mean, suppose a massive evacuation is ordered. What's the plan? Bus the children home? The parents meet them at home and then evacuate as a family? Leave the children at school and the parents pick them up there? Evacuate the children themselves?

I wonder about these things. Am I paranoid and crazy or are there plans for this sort of thing?

Interface

I liked the dynamic interface - but there was no way to add back in my blog roll! And because I'm antiquated and haven't added these blogs to Google Reader...that blog roll is the only place I have the links to the blogs I like to read.

I may need to learn how to use Google Reader.

Villages

I had an a-hah moment yesterday. I have a cousin how is about 8 years younger than me, who just gave birth to her first baby. She and her husband have been married about a year and a half. I think I mentioned them before. Neither is highly educated or trained and consequently both work(ed) very entry level, low pay jobs.

Despite this, they recently purchased a house. (my understanding is that their parents helped...must be nice) And went ahead and had a baby.

Now, from my point of view...I was quite a bit older, (one would hope wiser), had been married longer, and was far more educated when I had my baby last year. And I remember being so overwhelmed, as I'm sure most parents are. I was musing on this the other night and mentioned it to Mr. Random - kind of an off-the-cuff remark...do you think Cousin is so overwhelmed right now?

And he said no.

No!? No. Of course not, and if she is, she has her parents, her sisters, her brothers, her husband's parents, and her husband's sisters all within about 15-20 minutes of her house.  So if she is feeling overwhelmed, she can call on any of them for help.

Oh.

And it just became so clear why Mr. Random and I have been struggling soooo much. We gave up our Village. And we didn't find a new one. We're totally on our own down here. We have a few friends who we can call if we need something, who might be able to help us. But we have no family. And no one that we can call that we'd know, even at 3am, would pick up, rush over, and help us out. No one. And that's hard.

It is what it is, and I don't regret moving so far from family for the most part. But it was just a nice, Oh! moment to realize that things ARE hard for us. And there's a very simple reason. And it's not that we're inadequate. Or stupid. Or somehow less than we ought to be. In fact, given the circumstances, we're probably doing reasonably well.

It's bittersweet, to be sure. But I'm just so glad to realize that I'm not less.

New Interface

I'm trying out the new interface and a dynamic template. I'm not sure how I feel about it. Part of me likes it...part of me doesn't. I think the part that doesn't is the same part that is resistant toward change.

Mr. Random came home from counseling yesterday and suggested couples counseling might be a good idea for us! He said that he's always felt it was like a death knell or the very last thing you did before divorce, so that's why he's been resistant. But after talking with his counselor he thought that actually, it made sense as proper maintenance. A lot of our fights have been over the same things year in and year out...so it makes sense to get a mediator of sorts involved to see if they can help us get past these issues we haven't yet solved ourselves.

It was a really good conversation actually. He had a few other points as well, and was able to make them very matter of factly, and even though it wasn't easy to hear how I've/we've been failing, it was good. It was good to have that open communication and to be honest about where we'd like to see improvement.

So, now to see about couple's counseling.

And I need to get back into individual counseling too. I've been dragging my feet because the idea of starting over with someone new, when my old counselor was just so perfect for me, is not very pleasant. But...I think it'll help.

Seriously?

I'm currently a TA for an upper divisional class in our department. This means I get to do a LOT of grading and a few other things. This class is set up with some exams and one big research project broken into 3 pieces they turn in throughout the semester.  The first piece was due this past week.

Several students were late or didn't start it until the night before, despite urging from the instructor that such behavior would damage their grades. But they were "busy" and had "things".

I just don't get it.

I have a baby. He's been sick. I have a husband who is going through a mid-life crisis of sorts, attempting to find his career in life and busy doing his own school work and job searching. Which means lately I've picked up the slack on feeding this family. It's not small job. I'm planning the meals, grocery shopping, and cooking most nights lately.

I'm plain worn out.

And I'd like to say I'm better than these students, and keeping on top of my work but the honest truth is I'm not. My dissertation is suffering big time. A website I'm supposed to be developing is suffering just slightly less. I'm managed to stay somewhat on top of the grading...but I feel like that means my priorities are backwards. Because it's clear this class isn't a priority for many of the students taking it.

I'm just tired. And frustrated. And need a housewife. And possibly daycare for my son.

Where we're at

A better place so far. Mr. Random has started seeing a counselor and has also started taking some anti-depressants. He has some ADD meds too.

I have stopped seeing a counselor as the one I'd been seeing (who helped me so much more than anyone else ever had) moved to a new practice that is out of network for my insurance. I still wanted to see if I could go but it means a $1000 deductible and then they'll start covering 50% of the cost - which is $115/hr. Yikes!

Just not possible at this time.

So I need to go back and start over with a new counselor, but I'm dragging my feet because I so liked the old one.

Despite my set backs I feel a bit happier and less trapped and more loved. It does feel like Mr. Random is less critical....and less of a tool since he's started taking his meds and counseling. Which is nice. I know it's not all on his end...I need to make changes too.

But I feel like we're making progress, and right now, that feels pretty good.

Meanwhile, Wiggles is walking and talking! No more bottles - he eats table food and drinks from sippy cups! He's so big!

I'm worried right now he's not getting enough to eat. He's a bit of a little guy and was only 15% for weight at his 12 mo check up...I guess we'll see. We got back for a booster flu shot in October - I'll be very curious to see how his weight gain is then.

I'd like to elaborate

First - thanks for the comment EcoGeoFemme! I have actually read that book and enjoyed the perspective it provided. I read it about a year ago. I asked the husband to do the same. He just started reading it at the beginning of the summer. And has not finished it in lieu of other, more interesting, reading. He also says he just doesn't agree with a lot of the things the book says.

So what do I mean by "trapped in a loveless marriage"? Well, I feel trapped on account of our son. And I don't mean that I have to stay in this marriage come hell or high water. I feel that, because of him, we both have a very serious obligation to try to make our marriage work. Which means making it a happy, healthy, and productive relationship. In its current form, it is not.

Which is the loveless part. I just don't feel cared for at all. I feel like I take the time to get lunch ready for everyone (we're doing family meals as much as possible in keeping with this book), while the husband reads his book. Or something similar. Basically, it feels like I do chores or meal planning or various things to keep our household running while he goes to the gym, reads his book, works on his stuff. And then treats the meal planning as "my free time" or somehow like I did that because I enjoyed it? I don't. I seldom get to do things I enjoy because I spend all my free time doing chores.

The irony is. I'm pretty sure he feels much the same way. About a month ago he said as much and I completely agreed and felt like I was such a slacker. But looking around lately...I'm not a slacker. I just don't do the big-item things HE cares about. Like taking out the trash/recycling. I hate it. It's heavy. It's hard for me. The recycling is far away. So it's true. I don't do those chores. But if we look around a little...we'll see I still do quite a lot.

These are things I need to say to him. We need to be able to have an adult conversation about it, but I don't honestly know where to start. Every time I've tried recently to bring up something like this I'm met with very defensive behavior that immediately responds with how HE's hurt. How HE's frustrated. Which is so, so not productive. Whenever he brings up his issues I wait to air mine. Because otherwise it turns into a battle. But this means I generally don't get to air my issues, and when I do, it turns into an argument about his issues again.

Thus. The need for counseling.

What do you do

when you realize that a big reason you've been feeling so miserable at home...is that you're trapped in a loveless marriage?

Do you...

-weep profusely?
-turn stony hearted and cold?
-seek couples counseling?
-seek an affair?

I'm inclined toward the middle two. I feel stony hearted and cold. I think we need counseling.

And moving on

Pity party (see previous post) is over. Well, mostly. I'm trying to focus on the positive (a [mostly] healthy and super-sweet little son). :)

I just have one more parting thought (for now) on pregnancy and childbirth. From my soapbox. It's this: I really, personally, respect the process of pregnancy and the process of childbirth. I think about all the many factors that can go wrong. And I just am in awe of all the things that do go right. It's truly, truly amazing. I don't know if respect is even the right word for how I feel about these processes. And while my last labor was drug-free, I have no idea how my next will go. I am fully aware that any number of things can be, will be, different and consequently, my next pregnancy and labor will be different. And I'm okay with that. A little nervous and a lot excited to see how it all unfolds.

And this is what bugs me about some people in my family and of my acquaintance who are currently pregnant or trying to be (and freely sharing their thoughts on the matter). Not everyone, for sure, but a lot of these individuals seem to have absolutely no respect or awe or even concern for pregnancy and childbirth as processes. It seems they view them more as unfortunate but necessary hurdles they must jump to "join the club" of mommyhood. And it just irks me.

Different, but not the same

A friend of mine recently had a baby boy. She had a long and arduous labor ultimately resulting in a c-section, but since that things have been smooth sailing. Her baby sleeps. A lot. She just sets and alarm every 2-3 hours at night. Wakes up, gets the little man up, feeds him, and then they all go back to sleep. And sleep they all do. And the sweet young one doesn't even wake up crying.

Now, she knows that this could all change. And maybe he's still exhausted from their difficult labor. But come on!

Please don't misunderstand, I'm super happy for my friend. I'm glad she's got such an easy going fella who SLEEPS. But for myself, I'm throwing a self-centered totally unreasonable pity party. The utter exhaustion I experienced for the first 4 months of my son's life is still quite fresh in my mind.

I've been reassured by many who witnessed the events first hand that it was not my fault. That the sleep issues were just reflux related or the way my boy is. But I start to wonder. And I start to feel inadequate. Or at least cheated somehow.

Different, but the same?

I've a cousin who is due with her first baby soon. She's 21 years old, and a fairly young and naive 21 in my opinion. It seems some people can be 21 and very mature, while others are 21 but still not very mature...anyway, the point is, she's having a baby. And I am having judgement. Again. Much as I try to learn to live without judgement it keeps popping up!

You see, I am just of the firm opinion that she is not at all prepared for what it truly means to be a parent. For the responsibilities instead of just playing house. And then I consider that shell probably wind up with an "easy" baby. And it just doesn't seem fair. My own mother had 5 babies and upon coming to help with Wiggles acknowledged that he was not, in any way, "easy."

But then I ponder further and wonder....while she may well end up with an "easy" baby that actually sleeps with little if any intervention on her part...might she not wind up feeling equally challenged? I mean, if I'm going to act all superior and say that I was more prepared to parent...and then consequently had a less "easy" baby ( I don't want to label him difficult...that sounds sad) well...maybe that means it evens out somehow? I'm grasping for words here, but basically, I'm saying that while in absolute terms, my baby was more of a challenge than this hypothetical "easy" baby I expect my cousin to have...in relative terms she may be as challenged with this baby as I was with mine? So...in the end, we're all facing equal challenges...that just appear different because of our different skills, strengths, and experiences?

Family Reunions

Did I blog about the last time I tried to plan a family reunion? It was roughly 2 years ago...right before we found out we were expecting little Wiggles. At the time, it had been a year since all of my side of the family had been together - and the last time we'd all seen each other at once had been for Grandpa's funeral. Not wanting such unhappy occasions to be the only time we all gathered, I thought maybe we should plan a purposeful reunion.

Hah! The misery this brought onto myself!  Mr. Random told me I was on a fool's errand, and he was correct. No one could agree on a location for the event. My family was spread across 4 states at the time, and while I suggested a few relatively central and scenic locations (actually, we were going to have to travel the furthest of anyone) there was no consensus. Everyone wanted it to be held in their hometown. Ugh! Seriously?

And the trend continues.  Sporadically, cousins email me asking when we're going to have our family reunion. At this rate? Never. Because every time I suggest something, someone has a problem with it and consequently, won't come.

What is even the point then? You guys say you want a family reunion...but only if we all show up at your door? Only if it doesn't cost you anything to do it?

Sigh.

It's impossible when 80% of the family all share this attitude.

And it's a little heart breaking.

Mildly Irritated

I love my husband, I do, but sometimes...I just...get annoyed. For instance, I recently purchased some clothes for little Wiggles. Size 18 months and 2T. Now, I grant you, I do have a problem - a bad habit, if you will - of buying baby clothes. I love to shop the clearance racks and pick out amazing finds for $2. Sometimes they're a bit more spendy but I'm always looking for that $2 deal. As such, most of Wiggles' bottom dresser drawer is full of clothes that were bought on clearance. Ranging from 18 mos to 3T in size. Because, it makes sense to me, to buy ahead on clearance and save in the long run, as long as we have the room in that bottom drawer.

Mr. Random...doesn't get it quite so much. And gets frustrated that I'm buying so many clothes Wiggles doesn't "need". And it occurred to me this morning as we were trying to determine if my latest purchase was "needed" that Mr. Random still doesn't quite understand baby clothes sizing. Yes, these latest purchases are size "18 mos". No, that does not mean we have to wait until the little guy is 18 mos for him to wear them!

Shoulda Woulda Coulda

I have a bad habit. Mr. Random has pointed it out to me many times and he doesn't understand why I engage in it. Truthfully, I don't know if I fully understand either. I worry a lot about the "could have beens". When I see something so clearly after the fact (hindsight being 20/20 and all) I obsess about how things could have been different. And how much better they would be if I had done that one thing differently. Or chosen the other option. Etc. Etc.

For instance, when we lost the house. I can't tell you the hours I spent agonizing over how we should never have bought it in the first place. Or how we should have bought a smaller house. Or one closer to town. Or how I should have gotten a real job and kept it instead of going back for my Ph.D. Or. Or. Or.

Or now, when we have 2 Honda Civics, one with some damage in need of repair. Both very fuel efficient, but on the smaller side for our now 3 person family. That new little person comes with a LOT of gear! Right now, I would love love love to have a small SUV. I've got my eye on Honda CR-V's and Hyundai Tucsons and even Subaru Outbacks or Foresters. And the regret comes in to remembering 2 years ago when we bought the second Civic. It made sense at the time - we were both driving 40+ miles a day (Mr. Random was driving more like 70) and fuel efficiency and reliability was the name of the game.  But now - a short two years later I would much rather have a small SUV instead of the new Civic. We could have bought a used SUV and gotten a lot of use out of it already! We like camping off-road and that's how the one Civic got the damage the currently needs to be repaired. Civics just aren't really built for forest roads.

So now I obsess. We could have bought an SUV instead of the second Civic. And now I'd even use the words should have. But we couldn't have known it at the time. We weren't even pregnant. We weren't really planning on it either. We had started to realize we'd probably be losing the house - but it was still a probably, and in the meantime, we had our long commutes.

So here we are. With two very good little cars, that serve us just fine, but I still find myself obsessing about what could have and worse maybe should have been.

The Cusp

The student in my previous post has earned an 89.9%. 89.925 if you want more digits. In my syllabus I state 80-89.9% is a "B". 90% and up is an "A". So...he got a B...I start to worry I'm actually going to cause him to lose a scholarship but then I remember that I'm not doing anything to him. Looking qt his grades I'd guess he slacked the first part of class because his grades are significantly better for the last few assignments....that's not my fault. But I still feel kinda bad...

Annoying Student

I'm feeling really frustrated! I have a student who keeps emailing me because he doesn't want to "loose" his scholarship and just figured out he "just needs a few more points" and he'll do "ANYTHING." He thinks he put in enough "effort" that he should have earned more points on the extra credit assignment, and now wants to know if an 89.99 is an A or a B - apparently the "A" is required to keep this "scholarship."

Ugh.

Just leave me alone!  The due date for the last of the work for the class (it's online) is tonight in about 1.5 hours. I don't do grading as things are turned in - I grade en masse after due dates so that everything is done in one sitting, one frame of mind, and consequently, as fair as I can make it.

Now all I want to do is look at this kid's stuff and figure out how HE's already figured out his final grade when I haven't even finished grading.

And I hate it when people try to pass things off onto me. As if it's MY fault he's going to "loose" his scholarship. Honestly, based on the work I've seen from him - I doubt he has a scholarship, and if he does and it requires a certain level of academic competency...well...he doesn't have it. And that is not my fault.

I couldn't agree more, Matt Damon

Please check out his speech - it's totally what I've been thinking.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/answer-sheet/post/matt-damons-clear-headed-speech-to-teachers-rally/2011/07/30/gIQAG9Q6jI_blog.html

Rant

I haven't been posting as much because I just haven't felt the desire.  Counseling has been going well - we've been cleaning out cobwebs that have been rattling around my brain for 10+ years and I'm so glad to have found my counselor. Deciding to go was one of the best decisions I've made for sure.  But that stuff feels too personal for me to want to share here. Even if this is pretty much anonymous (I'm convinced that if someone tried hard enough they'd be able to figure out who I am).  It's been some pretty deep stuff and I'm not quite ready to blog about it; I may never be. Time will tell.

And I guess everything else must be going smoothly enough.  I feel like I used to use this space to rant a lot. These days? I just have less to rant about I suppose. Don't get me wrong, I know that's a good thing!  Well, good for me. Bad for this blog.

But, rest assured, I have new fodder! At least right now.

Riddle me this: WHY are pregnant women in such a hurry to yank their babies out into the world?

Maybe I should phrase the question differently, because I honestly want to know - but I can't seem to ask it politely because it goes against everything I felt/believed and continue to feel/believe regarding pregnancy and labor & delivery. 

I've a friend from high school - we're not super close or anything but we're friendly on the Facebook - who is a nurse by training. An RN, okay? So...she should know medical stuff, right? That's my assumption. She's married to a doctor. So he should know medical stuff, right? And...isn't it medical knowledge that babies take on average 40 weeks of baking? And that babies do better if left to cook and decide their own delivery date?

I have heard the notion that the placenta can deteriorate and so going too far past due is not good.  Plus you could run into the baby getting GARGANTUAN and not being able to come out. Okay. Sure.  but how long is too long in that case?  Just how long does it take for the baby to go from perfectly deliverable to GARGANTUAN? A day? A week? A month?

I just feel like so many women, like my friend, view the due date as an "expiration date" and feel like yanking the baby out the day after if the little one hasn't come on its own.

And it just....boggles my mind!  This particular friend went in for her regular check up - the day before her due date - and was excited because she'd felt some contractions the night before. These went away, but she was still hoping to go ahead and get induced following her appointment. The day before her due date!  WHY?!?

I don't feel close enough to her to ask - though she may have provided some insight when she said she feels fat and uncomfortable and can't wait to meet her baby. 

Okay.

So.  Because YOU are impatient you want to birth your baby before it's ready?  Really!?!

I guess that's it. It just seems selfish to me. But. I was fortunate and my baby chose to be born the day before his due date. I wasn't expecting that. All of my mom's babies were late, so I was fully planning to have to fight with my doctor to delay an induction. I wanted to wait 2 full weeks if possible. Because, it is only an estimated due date after all.

So please. While I do have strong opinions on the matter, I do also honestly want to know why women are so eager? Because it's not just this friend I've heard talk like this. I can understand excitement...but...you really can't wait 1-2 more weeks?

My Crazy

We all have our own brand of crazy, don't we?  I feel like new mom's are especially called out for their crazy.  Maybe that's just me.

Mr. Random told me the other day that I haven't been very crazy for a new mom, but the one thing I HAVE been crazy about is breastfeeding.

I'm a little miffed.  And irritated.  And annoyed.  Because, he really doesn't get it.  He knows he doesn't.  But despite that, felt comfortable telling me that I was a little batshit crazy about breastfeeding.

And I suppose I was.  I was very particular about Wiggles getting nursed on a schedule.  And when it was time to go back to work, I was very particular about making sure I pumped every 3-6 hours.  And while he thinks this made me "crazy" I think it was a perfectly normal response.

This was my baby's food!  This is what was keeping him alive!  Mr. Random, says now, that we could have supplemented with formula all along.  But you know what?  I felt a lot of pressure from him that "breast was best" and that I needed to make an honest go of it.  Not be like those "other women" who don't even try or give up early because it isn't convenient.  And now he turns around and says I was crazy about it?  Ugh.  Men.

This is coming up because I've stopped breastfeeding Wiggles.  And I'm pretty sad about it.  He was biting me with his razor sharp little teeth and it was getting worse, not better, so we pulled the plug.  I continued pumping and was actually pumping enough he could have half or more of his bottles every day as breastmilk instead of formula.  I'm lucky that I respond quite well to the pump.  But...pumping is time consuming.  Annoying.  And it started to really hurt!  I couldn't figure out why it hurts so much but it really hurt!  (turn down the suction genius...)

And then we went on vacation, and it was just a challenge to pump regularly.  And Mr. Random was not at ALL supportive.  He tells me later he thought my pumping was a hindrance and annoying.  Thanks...

So now I've stopped pumping entirely.  Truth be told, I didn't much want to.  It IS time consuming and annoying to me.  Breastfeeding was magical...pumping...eh.  Necessary evil.  But I'm a little mad about how it all went down and a little frustrated because I think I COULD have kept pumping until Wiggles' first birthday and...well, it seems like I SHOULD if I COULD, right?

The other thing, I've noticed, at least for me, about giving up breastfeeding is that...it's like giving up part of my identity.  Which is crazy!  I mean...I spent 99% of my life NOT breastfeeding.  But...it's like the last thing that made me "special".  I mean, for 40 weeks I was pregnant.  I was "special" and supporting this new little life that was growing.  Then I was supporting that little life with breastmilk.  Still "special".  My body was still doing something amazing.

Now?  Now I'm...just... me again.  Nothing special.

I know I'm not just me.  I know I'm a mom now too.  And I'll always have those memories and I have a very wonderful bond with my little guy.  But I do feel less "special".

Gun Safety

I was thinking about gun safety the other day.  And then I suppose safety in general.  A friend had asked me awhile ago what my opinion was on the matter.  It was kind of a deer-caught-in-headlights moment as she asked me in front of our husbands who both immediately stopped their conversation to hear my response.

The truth of the matter is I have conflicted feelings.  One of her arguments against having guns in the home is that they only serve one purpose: to kill.

I'm not sure if I agree 100% with that statement.  Her husband didn't either and offered the alternative use: Defense.  It's kind of like two sides of a coin...the difference is subtle and yes, ultimately, guns can cause injury and death.

But so can knives.  And most everyone I know has a block of very sharp ones in their kitchen.  What's the purpose of a knife really?  Well, I suppose it's to cut food.  But ultimately it's to cut.  Which can cause injury and death as well.  So what's the difference really between knives and guns?

I suspect a big difference is the way we view them.  I certainly recall being taught "knife saftey" while growing up.  You always walk with the point down.  They're not toys.  Etc.  But do we teach similar gun safety from a similarly young age?  Often not.  I wonder if guns were as ubiquitous as knives, and if we taught gun safety in a similar fashion...if they wouldn't be such a problem.

But for all that, I know full well that if we had a gun in the home and despite our best efforts at gun safety with Wiggles...he or a friend accidentally (or otherwise) shot themselves or each other, causing injury or death....well, I probably wouldn't be able to forgive myself.  Truth be told...I'd feel similarly if something awful happened with a knife.

So much to write, so little time

I've had several ideas for posts but have not been in the position to write them. In an attempt to rectify this I've set up the email-posting options and hope this works! (this is my first test of it)

Ideas for posts that I hope to return to write:
Mothers in law
Gun safety
Flying with a baby part tres

And I know there were more ideas but they escape me currently.

I'm babysitting our desktop computer currently. It seems to have lapsed into a coma and has been in this state the past 2 weeks. Mr. Random has made several attempts at reviving the beast but so far has had no luck. We just got the system recovery disks in the mail and are trying them now. It's not looking too good. And we JUST bought this computer!!! SO frustrating!

To be fair, by "just" I mean we bought it about 2 years ago, but come on! Shouldn't a $900 computer last more than 2 years? Apparently not as this is the second desktop computer we've had crap out after a roughly 2 year life. The first time I thought it was just crummy luck. Nw I'm starting to fear a very expensive pattern. We don't abuse our computers that much! I swear!

We don't really have the $$ to replace this bad boy. But we do desperately need to do so as we both work from home quite a bit. Well...maybe desperate is a little stretch. It's true we both work from home but the fact is I have a very nice iMac sitting mostly unused on my desk at school. I KNOW. Unacceptable. I do rather heart that machine and its been quite neglected since my son was born. So...that may be the solution for now if we can't revive the desktop. Mr. Random can work from home on the laptop while I jaunt into school and work in my office (such a novel idea, I know). The one problem with this scheme, well perhaps there are two, is that Wiggles is into everything so its impossible to work when he's awake. We've been getting around this by tag teaming and whoever is less in the middle of work takes care of him while the other works and it's been working out for all. The other problem is the boobies. Nice as my husbands pecs are...they do not make the "magical" baby milks.

I guess well just have to see what happens. And hope we can magically save the computer.

Traumatized

I just read a terribly sad news article. Apparently, a 4 month old baby was left home - alone - and while in this vulnerable state the family ferret chewed off SEVEN of this baby boy's fingers! I'm still shuddering at the horror of it. I mean...HOW do you let something like that happen? That poor, poor little baby!!! Ugh. It's just so awful. I really don't know what else to say. I was hoping writing it out would help me past the horror of it but so far it has not.

So I'll move onto updates.

****

I'm no longer breastfeeding Wiggles. Hes a biter and those teeth are sharp. I've continued to pump and that's going well so for now he's getting breast milk via bottles. I plan to pump as long as I have a supply to pump, so we'll see how this new phase of "breastfeeding" goes. :)

I'm finally done with a work project that I was no longer getting paid for but was taking up ALL my time as I wrapped it up. The joy of being a grad student eh? While I wasn't getting paid it was mostly worth my time because it overlaps with my dissertatiion work. I'm just glad to have a break from it for now.

Not a break mind you. No, because now I need to prep my summer course that I'm teaching. It's online which is mostly a plus, but also means I really need to get it all planned before it starts. As opposed to when I teach in person classes and sometimes and making the lecture slides the morning of. :).

I'm also supposed to be working on a proposal to defend early this Fall. And meanwhile, I'd like to have some me time! To craft! And relax! Not to mention time with the baby and the husband.

Which is kind of another post entirely. The cramped living quarters, the utter lack of dates...the stress....it's all taking a major toll on our relationship. I feel confident well get through this rough patch...eventually. But its not fun being in it and I dont foresee it getting much better anytime soon.

Surprises

Have I mentioned I don't like surprises?  It's true.  I generally do not like to be surprised.  If you tell me that I'm going to be surprised, then I usually like it - but often that makes people think there's no point.  I disagree but there we are.

Lately, I'm feeling down about the surprises in my life.

Wiggles seems to be self-weaning.  I feel like I read too many of the You-Must-Breastfeed-Your-BABEE-until-he's-at-least-two-or-you're-an-awful-person websites.  It's really effected my outlook.  In a bad way.  I mean, I said going in that I'd try my best to breastfeed and we'd just take it as it went.  I knew from friends' tough experiences that it's a team effort and a lot can go wrong.  I lucked out in that my teammate (Wiggles) was/is a champion breastfeeder and we were off to the races from the start.  I've often been asked how long I'd breastfeed and I always answered - we'll take it as it goes.  But, the goal is to make it 1 year.

Well...that may have been what I was saying, but now faced with the reality that we may be finishing up sooner than later...I realize that I was thinking something else.  I was thinking we'd keep breastfeeding our way to his 1 year birthday, and THEN we'd start this whole weaning thing.  And that we'd probably keep up with morning and/or nighttime feedings for the next 6 months or so.

And as much as I've wanted to the freedom of not being chained to a baby or a pump every 3-6 hours...I feel sad.  And I'm a bit surprised by all of this.  And I worry that my baby isn't reeealllly self weaning at 9 months.  I mean, according to those websites it seems unlikely.  They make it sound like babies want to breastfeed until they're 5 and it's our messed up society that prevents them.  Maybe.  But I've been doing everything right...and just following Wiggles' lead.  And he's leading us to less booby time.  And I'm learning to realize that's okay.

Attitude

I was talking with a fellow PhD student the other day.  We've had several classes together and technically are on the same timeline - ish.  He's a nice enough guy and I like him, but he said something the other day that really irked me.

He's teaching a class this summer that I had the pleasure of teaching last summer.  As such I provided him with my syllabus/schedule and most of the class materials, well, because he asked.  And because I got similar help from another student last summer.  So it definitely seemed like the right thing to do.  I ran into him in the hall and he said he wanted to talk about the course.  We chatted a bit about it and then he said the part that irked me: "I hope the students don't bother me too much, because, quite frankly, I don't have the time".

There it is.  I know he's not the first, nor will he be the last person to teach a course with such an attitude.  But I really hate that attitude.  And I've certainly been bothered and annoyed by students.  I'm sure most teachers have.

But - not everyone gets to teach in the summer.  It's bonus $ that is not at all guaranteed and you kind of have to fight for it.  As such, it's also not required.  So...if he doesn't have the time, why did he sign up to teach?  I'm sure because he needs the money.  We all do.  But...come on!  If you sign up to teach a class because you need the money, you also need to make the time to actually teach.  And put up with students "bothering" you.  I think I'm especially irritated because it's an upper divisional course and, at least when I taught it, the students are actually interested in learning something.  Such a rare opportunity!  I hope he makes something positive of it, but worry his attitude about the whole thing might get in the way.

Moving On

Well, let's be honest.  Twice on Tuesday hasn't been working out for me.  I was concerned about this and pondered why it was such a problem.  And concluded that it felt too forced.  And the result was that it was making this blog feel like an odd foreign place.  I generally just like to write about what I'm thinking, as I'm thinking it - most especially when I'm trying to work through my thoughts.  Something about typing them out in Blogger really helps me sort through things.  That's why I started this blog.  That's what's kept me coming back to it.  So, I'm moving on from Twice on Tuesday.  It's just not what this blog needs to be for me; at least not now.  And I'll try to refrain from judging myself too harshly over it.  :)

So, speaking of baby poop...oh.  Well, it sounded like a nice segue.  Because I'm worried about my baby's poop.  Or distinct lack there of.  Dear, sweet Wiggles, for all his wiggliness, is a constipated baby.  He's been having a really hard time of it.  For probably about 6 weeks at least at this point.  It all started when we took him off the Zantac that was just supposed to treating his reflux.  It seems like it was doing something to lubricate his bowels as well, because both times we've taken him off have correlated with poop troubles.  Of the sticky, clay-like, and difficult to pass kind.  The first time we took him off he also had reflux symptoms again, so he went back on and the poop issue cleared up.  The last time we took him off he didn't have reflux symptoms so he's still off the Zantac.  And the poop issue persists.

It's so heart breaking.  And incredibly frustrating for us.  I'm sure he feels it 10 times more.  We feed the boy straight prunes.  For days.  Nothing else.  Whole containers of it.  And eventually, finally, after 2-3 days of that, he'll poop.  2-3 times.  Getting softer as they go.  Until we get to the consistency we want his poop to be, and try feeding him something else.  And he doesn't poop again for 3 days.  Sigh.  I would just like to feed him a healthy and varied diet of fruits, veggies, and cereals!  It would be nice to be contemplating introducing meats to his diet.  But at this point, I'd just like to be able to feed him more than prunes!!!!!

We took him to his pediatrician for the poop issues and some (presumably) unrelated congestion that's been around for about a month now.  He's on antibiotics for that, and we were warned they might cause a laxative effect - which in his case would be a good thing.  They seemed to the very first day he took them...and since then...nada.  So we're adding miralax to his diet and upping the dose until we get him pooping soft poops in a regular fashion.  Ugh.  The pediatrician still thinks he'll outgrow this - that his system is having a hard time because he was breastfed.  I'm not so sure.

In fact, I'm downright unconvinced.  Since it correlates to when we stopped Zantac...I'm inclined to think there's something else going on here.  Either that his body adapted to where it needs Zantac to regulate...or he has something else going on that the Zantac inadvertently was treating.  The trouble is...Zantac is juts an antacid!  It doesn't actually do that much and we weren't giving him very much either - not enough to think the syrup in the medicine was helping.  But maybe it was?  Maybe the peppermint flavor was doing something for his bowels?  It's crazy...but I find myself wondering.

So if anyone out there has experience, thoughts or advice on this matter, I'm definitely all ears.  My little guy is 8 months old, and having a ridiculously hard time pooping.

Traveling with ze Baby

I realized the other day that I never shared one of my more recent adventures.  I traveled with Wiggles to a conference where I presented a paper.  The trip up was uneventful - standard plane ride and the baby was pretty well behaved.  He didn't sleep at all mind you.  Not in the airport.  Not on the plane.  But we made it and no one gave me the stink eye that I saw and he eventually got a nap at the hotel.

The next few days, again, uneventful.  Finally, comes the morning to head back home.  We get dropped off at the airport with just enough time for me to grab some lunch and find a quiet corner to eat it.  I appeased Wiggles by feeding him puffs between feeding myself my food.  We were both fed and happy, hit the restroom one last time for me and a diaper change for the baby, and hit our gate about 10 minutes before boarding should start.  I was feeling AWESOME.  It was definitely too good to last.

Around the time our flight was scheduled to depart we finally get an announcement in the gate to sit back down...there's a mechanical problem and it'll be at least 15 more minutes.  The short version of this story is that ultimately the plane was determined to have a bigger problem and wouldn't be leaving for at least 7 more hours.  Now.  At this point I'd been in the airport for roughly 2 hours and had timed the flight to coincide with Wiggles' nursing schedule.  So I'm nursing the little guy when this announcement is made and everyone rushes to the customer service kiosk to get on the next flight out.  Maybe other mothers are superwomen...but I can't just pack up mid-breastfeeding and find my way to the line that fast.

Oh the despair as I looked at that line and contemplated another 7 hours in the airport followed by a roughly 3 hour flight.

Ultimately...that's what happened.

Wiggles and I got the great fun of spending 10 hours in the airport, followed by a 3 hour flight before getting home that day.  You know what though?  My son is a Trooper.  He was so good the whole day.  Again, he didn't really sleep mind you.  He did manage 3 20 minute naps throughout the entirety of the 13 hour adventure...which is certainly not enough and he was definitely deliriously tired when we finally made it home. But - we made it.  And it was definitely a bonding experience.

Even if the anxiety from the whole event caused me to cancel a planned trip for the month following.  Mr. Random, Wiggles and I were supposed to fly back home to visit some folks and attend a wedding and I was seriously losing sleep with anxiety at the idea.  I mean - it went fine enough, but it is definitely NOT an experience I want to repeat.  And definitely not so soon.

I did get comped a $300 credit for my troubles.  It didn't seem like enough then.  It still doesn't now.  I feel the anxiety coming back just reliving the day, so that's all I'm going to say about that!

Twice on Tuesday

I'm really bad at this Twice on Tuesday thing!  I probably should have picked a different day of the week because Tuesdays are probably our busiest around here.

I had planned LAST week to write about how thankful I am for access to medicine and things like IV's.  I'm pretty sure (but haven't looked it up to double check) that dehydration is one of, if not the, biggest baby killers worldwide.  It's a big deal.  So I'm extra super thankful that we have access to medical technologies that helped my baby when he was dehydrated.  He wasn't even that dehydrated, but enough for us to be worried and I'm so thankful.  And I'm happy to report he's made a full recovery!

I'm also really thankful for Mr. Random lately.  Our marriage has been feeling rocky, but somehow through it all I find myself glad to be working through these issues with him.  I wouldn't want to be working on these things with anyone else.

We need to find a regular babysitter so we can actually go out on dates again.  And really, he needs a LOT less stress in his life.  Period.  Not sure what else I can do to help him with that...

Sensitive Topics

I believe I've blogged about this before.  But it's come up again and I've had more thoughts about it, and since this is the place to collect my thoughts, it's time for an update!

It's a sensitive topic and I hope I don't offend anyone with my opinions.  If I do, well...I guess it can't be helped. This is what I really think, for better or for worse.

I have a family member, a cousin, who is about my age, single and also female.  She's been hearing the tick-tock of her biological clock for awhile now and we've talked about it from time to time in the past.  She's an only child, this cousin, raised by her mother and conceived via artificial insemination.  Does her manner of conception matter?  I didn't used to think so.  In fact, as a child, it never really occurred to me to question it.  She just didn't have a dad and that was just how it was.  I never wondered where he was, or how she came to be without him. Now, however, I feel the lack of a father figure has been kind of a sad lack for her life.  She doesn't think so - but I do.  Because she's never had the opportunity to build a daughter-father relationship.  She's only built a somewhat odd relationship with her mother - who, by the by, is not so keen on the men folk.  She's straight, I think, but a bit of a man-hater.  This has rubbed off on her daughter.

So, what am I blabbering on about?  Well, this cousin is nearing 30, still single, and wanting children.  She wants to have children via artificial insemination.  Now I'm getting to the point.  The idea of her having kids via artificial insemination doesn't sit well with me.  To be clear, I do believe that everyone should have the right to decide for themselves, but I guess I just don't agree with her decision.  I don't think that I have any right to tell her that or to prevent her from following her plans, but the fact remains...it seems like a poor decision to me.

But why?

I've struggled with understanding the why for some time.  Is it because I'm traditional?  Ingrained with societal ideas of what a "family" ought to be?

It might be all of that or none of that.  I'm not entirely sure.  But my new thought on the matter was this: one problem I have with it is her lack of relationships with others.  I feel that a parent's relationship with their child (and this is based on my very, very limited experience parenting one baby boy) is not automatic.  Parts of it are...but parts of it have to be worked at, built up between the individuals involved.  And I feel that my ability to successfully build a positive relationship with my son has been very much enhanced by my previous experiences building relationships with my siblings, both parents, and finally my husband.  I use lessons learned from that variety of experience to guide my efforts with my son.  My cousin, sadly, does not have that variety of experience.  She doesn't have 2 parents, any siblings, or a spouse.  Her significant relationship building has been with her mother.  And that's it.  Does that mean she'll be any less successful?  Not necessarily.  Does that mean she shouldn't have kids?  No...I don't think that either.  The real problem I have is that I think she's selling herself short.  This is the easy way out for her.  Rather than putting herself out there and trying to meet someone and build that new relationship...she's opting to stay in.  And have kids all on her own.  And I think that she thinks that relationship will be automatic. And easy.  And I think she may be surprised at what she finds.

Whew

So, there's a stomach bug going around and we got it.  All three of us.  We got it bad.

Wiggles wound up with a trip to the ER for an IV.  Mr. Random and I wound up with multiple trips to the porcelain throne for violent expulsions of our digestive systems.  I learned that I need to chew my dinner better.

Anyway, that's all behind us now!  The semester is winding down...mostly...for me, while it's ramping up for Mr. Random because he's on a different schedule than me.

All in all...I'm feeling more positive.  Things are looking up.  And I'm feeling a lot better about the cats.  It looks like one was already adopted and the other one looks very happy in the picture they posted.  While it still sucks and I'm still sad about it - I don't regret it.  It really feels like we made the right choice by all five of us, and that helps a lot.

Feeling Sad

We gave our cats to the humane society today.  I'm really upset about it still.  I've cried off and on since we decided to do it this morning.  This decision has been about 6 months coming though.  It doesn't make it any easier.

And the worst part for now?  I didn't even give the kitties a proper good-bye.  I was too upset.

I hope they find a good home that can give them the attention they deserve.  I'm so, so sad that I couldn't find that home for them.  God knows I tried.  I'm so, so sad that we could no longer be that home for them.  We tried to work on that too.

I can't fully believe they're gone.  I keep thinking I hear the little one mewing at the balcony door.

Twice on Tuesday

It's still Tuesday! I was out of town last week so things have been a little crazy, but it's time for some positive reflection.

This week I'm very grateful for Mr. Random.  He's such a great father to Wiggles and a really great husband to me.  We don't always see eye-to-eye and sometimes that causes conflict, but we've gotten better at facing that conflict and working through it.  And I'm so glad he's stuck with me through the chaos and the crazy.  When I was traveling last week I was traveling alone with Wiggles - and I did it and was fairly successful.  But it really brought to my attention how much I appreciate having a partner to parent with.

I'm also grateful for beautiful flowers.  I wanted to take a picture to share but my memory card is full and I haven't had a chance to download the pictures and videos.  Which is another thing I'm grateful for actually - all the good memories captured on flash drive.  :)  I recently bought some bright pink fake lilies and put them in a large crystal vase that used to just sit empty most days on our table.  It really brightens the room and I smile every time I see them.  So worth the $10!

Twice on Tuesday....on Wednesday?

I missed my Twice on Tuesday!  Jeeze, that's not a very auspicious beginning, is it?

Oh well - better late than never in this case!  (and most cases probably)

And, I get to include something else wonderful - our rainy/windy/stormy weather that we had today!  Living in a predominately sunny climate makes me appreciate the "dismal" weather even more.  So I'm a happy camper.

Today I'm thankful for health insurance and counseling services on campus.  It makes things possible that otherwise, quite frankly, would be un-affordable- important things like doctor's visits and counseling sessions.  And I'll stop there because otherwise I'll get all upset about the state of health in America.  :)

It is time

I'm going to make a counseling appointment on Monday.  I'd have made it today if it wasn't the weekend.  This has nothing to do with my previous post and everything to do with feeling down in the dumps and realizing this is/has been a long-term problem.  I have good days and bad days, but most days really have been blah.  Mr. Random has the same issues and this is causing severe strain on our marriage.  I hope he will follow my lead and make an appointment as well.  Because I don't think he's been happy....well, probably for 5 years+ now. 

There are several factors I think - that have gotten us where we are today.  I feel like I was looking over all the decisions we've made as a couple and as individuals over the past 5 years and...while every decision was made in good faith with a (probably misplaced) hope that each decision would have a positive outcome...I now feel we've nearly boxed ourselves into misery.  We don't have a strong support network at all.  We have few friends down here, and the good friends we had no longer have time for us - partly because when we moved after losing the house we moved roughly 30 miles away from where they live.  But also, we've never had a good track record with making and keeping friends.  We're not sure why.  Maybe we're smelly?  It doesn't really matter, the point is - we don't have many friends.  All of our family live far away - the closest is a sister who lives a 6-10 hour drive away (depending on traffic) but with gas prices as they are....we don't see each other much anymore.  Also, Mr. Random is not at all close to his family, and I can see why.  So...we're kind of on our own out here.

and we just went done had a baby.  Yeah.  I thought we were about as "ready" as a couple can be for such an endeavor that I think you can never really be ready for.  I'm thinking now that we were not at all ready.  With no support network in place and the fact that we both have  been struggling to find happiness...well...it probably wasn't the best timing.  Don't get me wrong - I love Wiggles and don't regret him for a minute...but it can't be denied that the stress of a baby has had some seriously negative consequences on Mr. Random and my relationship and our own individual happiness.  Especially as we have such a limited network.  We literally know 2 people we can ask to babysit.  And they're both really busy right now.  Which means we've gone on exactly 3 dates in the past 7 months.  And I think we've had intimate relations about that many times too. 

So, that's all a problem.  Further, we have some serious money stresses/struggles, which is a major problem for couples all over I'm sure.  But we've had money struggles, so far, for our entire marriage.  I end up feeling like it's my fault, but I'm pretty sure Mr. Random feels our current struggles are his fault.  Ultimately, one big problem is that I've been a poor grad student for 5 years now.  And that takes a serious toll - because I'm busy, and can't do all the housework myself, and yet I make piddlings for my time.  Meanwhile....Mr. Random had his life force sucked dry working jobs he hated to attempt to pay the bills.  All while I got to pursue my little dreams in grad school.  Ugh.

Basically, I really really feel right now, that if I could go back knowing what I know now...I'd do it different.  And that's never a good feeling.  I would not have bought that God-forsaken house for starters.  Actually - I'd go further back.  I think I should have given up this foolish notion of being a scientist and gone instead for pharmacy.  I understand you can make good $$ in the profession, I loved chemistry as an undergrad, and actually kind of enjoy tedious, detailed work.  And.  I'd be done with my schooling already.  4 years pre-pharm, 4 years of pharmacy school - I'd be done and making the big $$ by now.  And I hear could go to part time when I had the little kidlet, which sounds like a perfect situation to me at this point.  And I could probably be supporting our family while Mr. Random works out what he wants to do with himself (he still doesn't really know).  and aaaghhh!  It just seems like such a better idea from where I sit.  I really feel like I would go back and knock some sense into my 19 year old head if I could. 

Which I normally never feel that way - because who knows how things would have turned out?  That's such a different path...it's entirely possibly I could be married to someone else...divorced....or otherwise equally unhappy.  And it's entirely possible little Wiggles wouldn't have come to be...and that's a sad, sad thought. 

At any rate, I am not currently presented the opportunity to change the past.  So I need to focus on positive changes in the present...so that hopefully we can all have a happier future.  And I think that starts with counseling.  And getting my butt in gear to graduate ASAP - I think that's still the best idea.  I've been entertaining the idea all morning that I should quit and get a "real" job now to solve the money situation sooner than later.  We could even move - I could find a job closer to family to help with the support network issue!  But that sounds like a kind of dumb idea....right?  I mean, it would kind of make all the past years of suffering....well....for nothing.  Right?

Feeling Petty

and I don't like it.

I am 27 years old.  I've been married for nearly 5 years.  I bought a house.  I lost that house - primarily due to my husband (the bread-winner as it were) losing his job.  I just had my first baby, and we all three live in an apartment, that is pretty nice, but no house.  And is half the size our house was, so we gave away a lot of things and are pretty cramped here with the rest.  Most of the time, I still feel very lucky and happy with our situation.  We can still have some nice things, buy healthy food in enough quantity that we're never hungry, and we've been able to take some pretty great vacations.

But every now and then...I feel envious of others my age.  Especially those that waited until after the housing bubble burst and are just now purchasing their first homes.  For a LOT less than we bought our house for.  And with a much greater income.  They're just in such a better situation financially.  And it feels like a little stab to the heart.  I want to be happy for them, but there's always a little bitterness too.  

And then...there's my cousin.  She's 21.  She's married, for just over 1 year.  She has no college education, neither does her husband.  They're expecting their first baby.  And they're, apparently, attempting to buy their first house.  This particular situation strikes my heart a bit stronger than the others.  For several reasons.  For one thing, they're so much younger.  For another, they are not as well educated as my husband or I, and consequently work very entry-level jobs.  My cousin works at a fast food restaurant and the husband works at a big box store as a sales guy.  And, apparently, she's still on her parent's medical insurance.

So, my first thought is How?!  How on EARTH can they afford a house?  My next thought is that they're getting help from their parents.  And this frustrates the hell out of me.  And then that frustrates me because I feel like I ought to just be happy for them.  But I mean, come on!  Mr. Random and I have been on our own financially since we got married.  Before we got married even.  When we were about their age.  Since then we moved 1000 miles from home, we rented apartments, bought our cars, bought our house, lost our house, and are now taking a boatload of student loans to live off of.  All on our own.  We pay our own medical insurance, car insurance, life insurance, renter's insurance.  All our own bills.  And...honestly, that's as it should be!  I feel that if you're mature enough to marry, you should be mature enough to provide for yourselves financially.  I realize these are hard economic times (I DO, first hand, believe me!) but that doesn't change the fact that you should be buying your own insurance and paying your own bills.  And especially if you're having a baby, you should be financially independent first!  

I guess it doesn't always work that way, and if you're parents can help you out...well, why not, right?  I guess I just feel frustrated that we tried so hard to do it all on our own - and had it blow up in our faces due to circumstance beyond our control (some of it was within our control, but ultimately a lot of it wasn't) and it feels like other people, like my cousin, aren't even trying to do it on their own.  And they're better off for it!  It just seems like it shouldn't work that way.  

Twice on Tuesday

I have good news.  Something "clicked" or "switched" in my brain and I'm out of the funk I was in for the last several weeks.  I was doing a lot of thinking and soul searching over the weekend and I remember having an epiphany conversation with myself in my head...but don't remember what the epiphany was!  All I know is that after that - the world seemed a little brighter and life seemed a little more manageable.  I think it's too soon to say I'm out of the woods completely, but I'm definitely feeling a lot better.  And I'm so glad for it.  And thankful!  Though I would like to remember what the epiphany was!  And, while my attitude and mindset is 100% better, my productivity....is not much increased as of yet.  But now it's not for lack of motivation...it's because I enjoy spending Wiggle's waking hours with him...and he's been more awake lately.  We need to get back to long naps Little Buddy!  20 minute naps don't afford much productivity.

So, in the vein of improved mental state, I want to start a Twice on Tuesday as a regular post.  I'm stealing the idea from Aisha's Three Beautiful Things Thursday's.  (hope you don't mind!)  But I've definitely found in the past that taking the time to note something good or positive in my life helps me feel more good or positive about life, so I want to start making the effort regularly.  So every Tuesday I'll count my blessings twice by thinking about them and then also posting them here...thus...Twice on Tuesday.

1.  I love the view from our apartment balcony.  It looks out over a courtyard that has green grass and green leafy trees whose canopies is right at our balcony level.  It makes it feel like we live in a treehouse when I look out the big glass door.  I love it!

2.  While the constant sun gets a bit monotonous...I am also thankful to live in such a cheery, bright environment.  I <3 light!

3.  Wiggles may not be napping very well, but he's doing a very good job at sleeping during the night now.  And I am so, so, so, so thankful for it.  And I'm doing better at going to bed at a reasonable hour - my milk supply wasn't keeping up with the short nights, so it's necessary.

4.  I'm so thankful for a wonderful partner.  Mr. Random is a good husband and a good father and I'm so glad to have someone I can trust completely with Wiggles by my side.

5.  And finally, I'm glad that Dodge Vipers still make me giddy as a school girl.  I saw one while driving into school today and just about had to fan myself.  I don't know what it is but they get my heart racing!!  So thank goodness for Dodge Vipers.  :)

Morose

So I just had a big exam and in truth, I did not prepare for it very well.  I really didn't.  I only read about half of the papers I should have and half-assed my reading of many of the ones I did actually "read".  I barely prepped for the exam.  It's a 2 parter - this exam - and I just did the written part.  The oral part is coming up in 2 weeks.  Advisor has given me some feedback on the written part and the general consensus is that I passed...but it was a low pass.

And I feel morose.

Mr. Random is kind of annoyed by this - his points out that considering my amount of prep work, a pass at all is a good thing.  He has a point.  So why am I so morose?  Is it because I didn't pass with my usual Gold Star Standard?  Maybe.  But I'm also a bit concerned at why I was so unmotivated to prep.  And why I continue to be fairly unmotivated.  Am I just overwhelmed?  Or is this postpartum depression?  Or something else entirely?

I'm not sure...but I've been in this funk for about a week at least....maybe longer but I've really noticed it the past several days.  If it doesn't end soon I'm going to have to go talk to someone...

Ours to Borrow

I've been thinking a lot lately about children and parenting and how it all fits together.  I think one of the easiest mistakes to make as a parent is assuming that your child is yours to keep, when, in fact, they are only ours to borrow.  And for such a short time.  I feel like there's more there and it's a good idea, but it hasn't fully developed yet so that's all I'll say for now.  My memory isn't what it was so I wanted to jot that bit down before I forgot!

This upcoming week I'll be partaking in a right of passage known as Comprehensive Exams.  I'm pretty sure most PhD programs have something similar...but I could be wrong about that.  It's a major milestone in the program and kind of a big deal.  I've been "preparing" for it since January.  Or...at least that's the theory.  I've had all kinds of papers to read and thoughts to think in preparation...but honestly...I've probably only done half of what was "assigned" or "recommended".  Ugh.  I'm just not as motivated as I need to be.  I feel tired all the time and am a pretty slow reader, so the huge stack of papers to read has been rather burdensome.  And now it's crunch time.  The weekend before the exam - probably time to at least attempt to read some of the half that are unread.  And I feel blah about it.  It's not despair really.  Not stress or anxiety exactly.  More just...tired.  Really, really tired.  And so here I am blogging instead.  Sigh.

Back to the reading!

So Tired

I have developed a bad habit.  A bad habit of staying up way too late and going to bed between 11pm and 12am.  Sometimes even later.  And it's starting to wear on me.

How does this happen?  Well, once we get Wiggles down for the night (usually by 8-8:30pm) then it's like we've been given a golden ticket.  Both Mr. Random and I feel like those hours after he's down are our most productive.  We don't have to operate in 2-3 hour intervals around Wiggles' schedule.  We can just DO whatever it is we've been wanting to do.  Most often it's homework.  But sometimes it's watching a movie together or cleaning or I don't even know what!  But every night I start out with the intention of going to bed by 9:30pm and every night I am surprised to look at the clock and see it's already 11pm.

Does this happen to anyone else?  And you'd think this would help me have more time for things...but it doesn't seem to.  And it sure makes it difficult to get up with Wiggles in the morning...

Confession Time, and Other Updates

I feel I must just finally 'fess up and admit it: I love gossip.  I love reading it.  I love partaking in it.  I just enjoy it. And yet...the whole time I feel like I shouldn't be enjoying it so much.  I mean - gossiping isn't really an admirable activity and being a gossip is definitely not an admirable trait.  And yet - it's one of mine.  For a long time I felt like I should work on improving this disagreeable feature of myself.

But you know what?  I think I'm done with that.

I'm not such a horrible gossip that no one can trust me.  I can keep my mouth shut when it needs to be.  And truthfully, I really just read celebrity gossip or gossip with my 2 closest girl-friends.  That's pretty normal, right?

***

Wiggles is sleeping really reasonably well at this point.  Maybe once a week now we have a midnight waking that we listen to him cry for, but mostly he makes it from bedtime to at least 4:30am.  *knock on wood!*  Tonight is his first night sleeping in his crib - up until now he was sleeping in his co-sleeper bed in his room.  And this graduation breaks my heart a little!  Not as much as when we moved him from our room to his, but it's still a little sad.  I still miss sleeping with him near me...well, I do and I don't.  I don't miss the frequent waking due to his noisy sleep habits...but I miss having him so close and being able to listen to him breathe.

***

While sleeping is going reasonably well, eating is still a pickle.  He's gotten rather fussy both from the bottle and the breast and I wonder if it's due to my diet.  I'm eating whatever I want again, including dairy.  And it's totally selfish, but the thought of going back on the restricted diet is just too much.  I may have to - we'll see what his pediatrician says at his next check up - it's in a week or so.

***

How is school going now that I'm a mom?  Like before, it has its ups and downs.  I'd say 80% of the time I'm happy with the situation.  The other 20% I daydream about being a stay-at-home mom.  Overall, I'd say that's a win for my "career" choice.

***

I took Wiggles into school the other day to meet his many eager fans (grad students and some of the staff) who up until now had only seen him in online pictures.  My fellow grad students were very adoring and the staff enjoyed him as well.  Then as I was carrying him back toward my office we bumped into the Director.  As you may or may not recall from this post (and you might want to read this one too), Director and I do not quite see eye-to-eye when it comes to my life-decision regarding procreation.  As my advisor had 2 students both "expecting" at the same time (me and a male student) this Director was heard to say to Advisor - "don't your students know what birth control is?".  Nice.  ANYWAY, so we bump into Director and I say brightly, oh hello - this is my son, Wiggles!  He barely cracked a smile (how he managed it with that cute face gazing up at him I'll never know) and said, "oh".  Insert awkward moment.  And that... was that.  Oh well.  I'm very happy with my life decision, thank you very much for asking Sir.

Stranger Danger

Wiggles might be starting to have separation anxiety.  We thought he might when we left him with a babysitter to go on a date last weekend, but all was well.  Even though we left after putting him down for a nap and upon waking he found himself alone with this person, she reported that he was smiley and happy as could be.

Then, last night we had another friend over - one Wiggles hasn't seen since before Christmas.  And when Wiggles woke from his nap I handed him over - he immediately seemed uneasy as I walked away from him over to the couch.  He kept looking between me and the person holding him, and then screwed up his face like he was going to cry!  It was so sad!  And cute!  He did this three times, looking back and forth, and then finally started smiling at the friend.  :)  Crisis averted I guess.

It'll be interesting to see how he does in the coming weeks as we plan on going on more dates.

2 Steps Forward...1 Back

So - we are in the midst of "cry it out" with Wiggles.  And our week has gone like this:  First night of the New Regime - Wiggles woke at 1:50am, cried for 1.5 hours (amazing stamina Little One!) and then crashed out - only to wake again (and get fed) at 5:30am.  

The next 2 nights, he slept from bedtime until 6am!  Wonderful!

Then, again the waking at 1:50am.  2am is now considered The Danger Zone in our house.  And he cried for 1.5 hours, again.  And then woke to eat around 5:30am.

Then another night of sleeping all the way until 5:30am!  Woohoo!

And then last night...awake again at 1:50am.  But...I slept through him crying!  What kind of mother am I?  I didn't sleep through entirely - I mean, when he started we both woke up.  I managed to mumble "we're not getting him, right?" to Mr. Random, who confirmed.  And then....I went back to sleep.  So when Wiggles woke me at 4:45am this morning, I thought he'd only cried for 20 minutes and we were making progress!  Mr. Random informed me later that, in fact, he'd cried his usual 1.5 hours.  When I asked Mr. Random what kind of mother would sleep through that - he said "a tired one".  And, truth be told, I AM exhausted.  This trying to work on my PhD and teach AND be a mommy is all a bit tiring!

So - now The Conundrum.  The pediatrician had mentioned (I'm adding this for you too Aisha!) that if we have a really hard time with not feeding him until after 4-5am, that we could try going in right before we go to bed (so like 9 or 10pm after putting him down around 7 or 8) and waking him up to feed him again.

Now.  The Sacred Rule in this house is: Never wake a sleeping baby.

So this suggestion just sounds insane to us.  And we're not ready yet to try it.  Even with the 2 steps back, we do still have the occasional step forward...so for now...we'll stick with The New Regime.  And hope Wiggles learns soon to eat enough before bed, soothe himself if he wakes up in the night, and we'll all sleep peacefully.  *fingers crossed!*

Fits and Starts

See, fits and starts.  I did have to get up to feed Wiggles at 5:30 this morning...but when he woke again at 8:30...Mr. Random grabbed him and let me sleep in.

A Vent

I just need to vent for a moment.  Before I do I want to start with the caveat that Mr. Random is, in fact, for the most part, a good father and husband.  He does do his share of work and pull his own weight.  The trouble, it seems, is he does it in fits and starts.

Here's how today went, from my point of view.

We went to bed at the same time.  Wiggles, thankfully, slept through the night.  When he woke at 6am, I got up and fed him.  I then took my shower and got ready for the day.  Mr. Random slept in.  I imagine my morning activities disturbed his sleep - but it can't be more than his did my sleep back when Wiggles was BARELY sleeping and Mr. Random was working.

I started working on somethings and checking email.  Got breakfast, and realized that Wiggles would want to eat about 15-20 minutes before I needed to leave to go teach (separate from the 7:30 class).  So I started pumping about 40 minutes before I planned to leave.  Amazingly, Wiggles slept this whole 2 hour chunk of time!

Right as I was finishing pumping, and literally 5 minutes before I had wanted to leave, Mr. Random gets up and informs me that the baby is waking.  He wants to know if I'll be able to feed him, since he can see I'm pumping.

Um.  No, dear, I have to leave, that's why I'm pumping.  I finish pumping while Mr. Random gets Wiggles and plays with him while I prepare the milk into a bottle.  I hand that to Wiggles, and he manages to hold it and get the nipple into his mouth!  When did he learn to do that?  I just handed him the bottle to see what he'd do!  I then grab my stuff and head out the door, 10 minutes late.

I teach my class.  Roughly 3 hours late I arrive back home, just in time to feed a hungry baby.  Which I do - knock another 40 minutes off my day.  Though, I ate lunch at the same time, so yay multi-tasking!

We want to go on a walk with the baby, the plan is to do so after he finishes eating.  Problem - our stroller tires are flat.  So we go on the walk with just the baby carrier.  I end up feeling ill on the walk but we finish it. I'm frustrated that this takes another hour plus out of my productive hours, but am glad to spend the time with my family.  Mr. Random and I definitely need to start doing things like this to reconnect, with or without (probably better) Wiggles.

We get back and I try to get some work done.  Now, before we left, Mr. Random DID start a roast in the slow cooker.  Though I had to offer input the whole time.  Fine.  I appreciate him actually doing the work.

I did get some work done, but soon it was time to do the rest of dinner.  Mr. Random wanted steamed broccoli.  It's not hard, and yet he doesn't know how so I always do it?  And we were making roasted potatoes.  We?  No.  Me.  Meanwhile, he's been playing his video games.  Every so often I have to cross between him and the TV b/c we have a small apartment.  This apparently pisses him off.  He complains about it.  He picked a poor time though, because I had just STOPPED working, to finish cooking dinner.  While he played his video game.

REALLY?  I'm trying to get work done while you play a video game, and you're going to get upset at me for walking over to the window to draw the blinds because it's dark outside now?

We had dinner and watched a movie together.  I didn't feel like it a lot b/c I was irritated, but thought I needed to swallow my pride and do something sort of together with him.  After the movie and dinner it was time for clean up.  He started to help and spilled a bunch of the sauce from the slow cooker - I asked what happened and he said in an irritated voice "I'm tired!".

Really.

I'm sorry that I don't have much sympathy - considering you slept in 3 hours later than I did, told me earlier you weren't doing any work today, your contributions to dinner were equal or less than mine, and you spent the rest of the day either playing with our son or video-gaming.

That's all.  Just venting.

Quick Post

Just a quick post - since I said I'd keep you updated.

I called the pediatrician - and she said, in brief, that poor, dear Wiggles is not to eat before 4am (it's like he's a gremlin!).  So, keep on with our bedtime rituals and putting him down around 7pm +/- 1 hour like we have (it's been pretty close to 7 this whole past week) and then if he wakes up before 4am - and she'd really like that closer to 5am even - don't feed him.  Let him cry.

=(

We can pat him and comfort him if we like - but no picking him up.  And for the love of all things, keep my boobies in my shirt.

Sigh.  And of course, the first night under the new regime - Wiggles woke at 2am.  And promptly cried for 1.5 hours.  We'd all have gotten more sleep if I'd just fed him!  (that only takes 40 minutes)

But.  Night 2?  He slept until 6am!

It's too soon to declare victory - but it's definitely a step in the right direction.

Still have to ask

So, part of blogging once a week is not only my posting...also my reading.  Truly, it's the reading that takes up so much of my time.  But I do love it so!  And confess I read a few times a week over the past week or so since my last post.  It's actually kind of a habit/addiction at this point!  Which is concerning in its own right I suppose.  But I've always been the type to get STUCK in a book - as in, I do not want to put it down for anything until it's done.  I'll just sit.  and read.  I even delay using the bathroom!  So...it's perhaps not that surprising that I find myself wanting to read blogs more often than once a week.

I still haven't asked the pediatrician about the night feeds.  I plan to call and ask tomorrow.  I had decided that he must really be hungry and I'd just go with it because he is still pretty young.  And after making that decision life was good, and then better - he slept for 10 hours 2 nights in a row!  I thought we'd *finally* made it into the blissful world of regular - long - sleep.  And then...it started to fall apart.  It started with a waking at 4am.  The next night, it was 3:30am.  Then 3...2:55...2:45...and then last night he woke up at 1am and 6am before actually waking for the day at 8:30.  Ugggghhhh. 

And tonight?  Well...I put him down early because he's been super tired the past 2-3 days.  We think he might be fighting off a cold?  :(  He's had some boogers and the slightest of a runny nose but the biggest "symptom" is excessive tiredness.  He just seems tired ALL day long!  And took a super long nap yesterday (perhaps why he woke more at night?).  So I put him down early but he's been SUUUPER fussy - it sounded like he went to sleep, but I just heard some crying on the monitor.  It was there for about 10 seconds...and then gone.  Is he crying in his sleep?  Is he still awake?  Is he really sick and he needs something?  He hasn't had a fever...we've been checking every day.

Anyway, I'll be calling the pediatrician, and I'll be sure to ask about the nighttime feedings.  I'll keep you posted.