Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Back again

Once again, I want to do better. I want to post at least one thing a day. I am stating this here as a visible goal, hoping that will help me accomplish such a thing. At the very least, I need to keep writing in some sort of coherent fashion so that jumping back into the grad school ring after being a stay-at-home-mom isn't as shocking. So here I am.

PLUS, I really had wanted to document my thoughts and feelings during this time of my life. As it's a pretty life-changing time. But alas, I just haven't brought myself to do it.

Well, better late than never?

So my feelings currently?

apprehension. excitement. trepidation. curiosity.

What does each feeling apply to? They all apply to everything! Labor/delivery. Being a mom. Who is this baby? How will we handle this change? Will I really be able to keep the little one happy and healthy? Or should I just hope to keep it alive!?

I wonder if the baby's a boy or a girl. And what will we name him or her!? We've got lists...kind of. We don't have a fore runner. Well, we do. But every time we more or less settle on a "top pick"...I find a reason I might not be able to stomach it! I've already blogged about loving the name Isabelle - I believe - but hating that everyone and her sister are naming their girl Isabella from Twilight. I do NOT want the association with Twilight. (gag me) And I wasn't keen on the popularity - though it turns out, that while Isabella is #1 for 2010 girls...Isabelle is #100. My rule of thumb is anything below 15-20 on the list is fine. So...technically, Isabelle should be fine. Technically.

Then there is the trouble of a boy's name. For a long time I liked Aiden. Also super popular. One of you kindly informed me this came from Sex and the City. That doesn't bother me a whole lot as the show is off the air and I never watched...but it's still REALLY popular. When you take the 3 most common spellings it's the #1 boy's name. Which...clearly doesn't fit the rule of thumb. So, back to the drawing board, I started really liking Camden. I still really like it. Mr. Random does too. And then...we were watching Jumping Jack Flash - Stephen Collins is in that movie. And I was like, oh that's...what's his name, and before Stephen Collins came to mind, Reverend Camden came to mind. You know...from 7th Heaven. Oh Lord have mercy! I never much cared for that show, least of all the dear "reverend" and now, gah! My beautiful boy's name. Is it ruined? I haven't decided. Some googling to see what people think of when they hear the name didn't help much....7th Heaven didn't come up, but a crime-ridden ghetto-tastic town in New Jersey apparently comes to many people's minds. Damn. I still really like the name...

So...the name thing is still up in the air.

Then there's the trepidation surrounding the actual labor and delivery process. Yes, I know millions of women have done this before. My own mother has gone through it five times. But, there's kind of extra pressure...because I'm all determined to go "natural". And, it's more just fear that I won't be able to handle it. And that if I can't, I'm letting Mr. Random, Random Jr. and myself down. Sigh.

I worry about how we'll handle parenting. If it will weaken or strengthen our relationship. Probably both...

And I worry how I'll like being a mom. I mean...this is a forever change here! It's in no way temporary. And I start to feel like I'm too young! I've told Mr. Random...but I'm just a kid! And I do feel that way sometimes. At the same time, I realize that 27 puts me over the national average for first time mom...and, really, age is less important than maturity...and I'm probably more mature than many 27 year olds. Probably. Maybe I'm just too generous in my self-evaluation.

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About this Blog

I have a journal. You know, the real kind...paper, bound in a book form...nice leather cover. And I do write in it...every few months. I like it, but somehow I find it hard to keep up regularly. I'm at a computer nearly all the time, so I find it easier to keep up on this blog. So, that's what this blog is for. To help me journal when I'm away from my journal. A place to collect my thoughts before I lose them to the chaos of my mind.

Or see my first post here. That's why I started this blog.