Finally. Calm. Happy.

I am in such a better place today mentally. I feel a lot better about everything. And am starting to find myself wondering what our little one will look like. I should mention that Mr. Random is half-Asian. But his mother has blond hair and blue eyes. And my mother has green eyes. Making it remotely possible our kid will look nothing like us...and raising uncomfortable paternity questions. ;-) I'm also wondering if I'm right and it's a she, or if Mr. Random is right, and it's a he. I like being in this place. I hope to stay.

On the way home today Mr. Random was wondering out loud what to do with a daughter. Like, seriously, he feels like he has no idea. He was saying, well, with a boy I'd teach him sports and we'd go backpacking and do boy scouts....but with a girl....well, I guess I could do those things...but would she want to? And he doesn't want to turn her into a boy necessarily. He said he never thought of himself as sexist but now he's realizing he may be to some extent. It's not that he thinks girls can't do those things...it's more he doesn't want to turn his daughter into a son. Or force these things onto her. But...what does one do with a girl? Teach her to cook? I told him arts and crafts might be popular...to which he responded that that sounded like what you do with insane or mentally limited people. LOL. He's fun. :)

Breather

I'm doing a lot better. *deep sigh of relief* Which is good, because that level of stress was surely not good for me or the baby that's trying so hard to grow and live. I have small fears that the stress was bad enough to cause a miscarriage and I just don't know it yet, but I'm trying to push that out of my mind. Because that surely won't help things.

So, basically, I called my parents and talked with both of them and my mom had a lot of ideas actually. And was very sympathetic. And...just such a good Mom. :) And from her suggestions we now have a plan. And that's all I really need to relax. A feasible plan. Yes, if we have to deviate from said plan, it'll likely stress me out, but until such a time, I can rest easier. And that's what I need right now.

What is this magical plan? Well, Mr. Random will still be trying to get more gainful employment. He's found a few opportunities he'll apply for this weekend, but one of them he thinks he has a pretty good shot at since he knows someone there, AND he's even excited about the job. So, that'd be ideal situation #1. He gets that job, it pays as much as we make combined now, and then I can, in fact, take Fall semester off. Cool. However, if he does not find more gainful employment, that is OK. I will take 6 online credits (2 classes) which makes me full time and thus I can take out student loans. And I will fund myself for the Fall. With debt. (but hey, beats cashiering) and stick my tongue out at my advisor as I do it, and do it well. :)

I told Mr. Random that I wanted to take classes regardless of his employment situation, mainly just to spite my department, but he said he'd prefer I take the semester off as he'd prefer our little olive spent as little time in care as possible. Awwwww. :) (it's the size of an olive this week) For the sake of the olive, I will give up my spite. Or, find a new outlet...

Advisor emailed me today to ask how things went with Director and what I'd found out. Ummm...I ran into you talking with him, you KNOW how it went, but I played along and told her that I was leaning toward a 3rd option that hadn't been discussed (the Plan as outlined above). She responded right away that I should not over-commit myself and that I "need and deserve" this time off. Uh huh...thanks for the vote of confidence. Thank you. What part of, it doesn't matter we couldn't afford it, do you not understand? She wants me to keep her posted. Thanks so much for your concern...

Honestly, one of the things that was upsetting me the most yesterday (besides the hormones that resulted in tears at least 3 separate times) was that she says she's supportive, but when it comes to anteing up and doing anything to help me out, she refuses. If she'd pay me an RA it'd solve a lot of the issues, as long as she was cool with paying my "6 weeks for nothing" maternity leave. She's not. That's not at all supportive. And when I present her with what WE feel is the best option for us, she's very negative and full of dire predictions of my impending "uselessness".

Oh well, I'm not going to take any more energy to dwell. Now that I've vented here, I'm ready to move on, do what's right for MY family, whatever option that winds up being, and if she continues to be full of dire warnings, I may just stick out my tongue and say Watch Me. Watch me prove you wrong. I'm nothing if not ornery and obstinate.

Cracks

Well, it seems that as a graduate student it is my destiny to slip through the cracks. I'm not an employee so I don't get typical employee rights like FMLA. I'm not a student so I'm expected to work all breaks. It just sucks.

I met with our director. He's very nice. But apparently agrees with my advisor that I just "won't be able" to handle having a baby and going to school. Both of them think that I will be "useless" for at least a year. Nice. Further, while I showed him the policy regarding my 6 weeks leave, he says he has no way to pay for it. The only way would be if I had an RA, not a TA, and the person paying my RA didn't mind that I wasn't going to do work for 6 of the 15 weeks of the semester. Well, my advisor minds (she'd be the one paying for the RA). So...that seems to be that. He did say not to worry, we'd work it out. But I'm worrying. They really don't seem to understand that I CANNOT AFFORD to bring in no income for 5 months. Seriously, who can these days? My advisor knows we're short selling our house due to financial problems. What makes her think that somehow now we have a baby on the way miraculously we can afford to go without HALF our income? I just don't get it. And I'm so frustrated.

Director said he'd talk to Advisor and that I should find out about health insurance, because that was my other big issue. Well, health insurance we're pretty nice folk. If I sign up for 1 credit for continuing enrollment (thus taking the semester off option) then I can purchase my health insurance for the semester. So that's cool. If we can pay for it.

Later I ran into Director and Advisor chatting in the hall. I was a ways down but had a feeling I was the subject of the conversation. I was correct. They both re-emphasized how much they think the best option is for me to take the semester off. Because it's going to be so hard and I'm not going to be able to do anything. FINE. I GET IT. I know you don't think I do, and I know I'm naive and haven't been there yet, but what the frick people? I'm going to have to learn to balance it sooner or later. That's part of the gig. And at this point, unless Mr. Random gets a better job (and let's face it, 11% unemployment MEANS it's not easy, thanks for being sympathetic) then I see 2 options. 1: I continue as a full time student and they figure out some damn way to give me my 6 weeks, OR 2. would be, that I take the semester off, and then WORK AS A CASHIER somewhere. Or some other temp job. And try to afford care for the baby that way. It's just dumb. And they're all, well, if you were a student you'd have to get care to be able to get work done. Um. YEAH. And I could afford it b/c I could take out student loans!

UGGGGHHHH.

May I say, that I LOVE that they're being so helpful. I love that they're putting all this pressure on me in my "delicate condition". I love that they think so little of my abilities.

Honestly, it seems to me, that they're pushing so hard for me to take the semester off, because then they don't have to figure out how to give me my 6 weeks.

I know this is supposed to be an exciting and happy time. I wish it was. I can't honestly think about the baby at all. I'm so stuck worrying about the logistics. I'm not one of those people that can sit back and assume it will "all work out". I know it will, but I feel like I have to WORK to make it happen. Which is what I'm trying to do right now.

But then I worry that all this stress isn't healthy, and I know it isn't. So what the f*** am I supposed to do? I have no advocates here. I guess we just need Mr. Random to get a better paying job...he'd be happier that way too. But I almost think that's too easy on THEM, my department. They'd be all pleased as punch that THEIR advice, THEIR solution is the one I take and that they don't have to work out my maternity leave. I almost feel like sticking it out just to stick it to them. Regardless of what happens with Mr. Random's job. Oh yeah, I'm full of The Spite right now.

STRESSSSSSSSSSS

I'm so frustrated right now. Sometime last spring I had looked briefly into my school's policy on maternity benefits for graduate students. Novel concept, eh? I found various information indicating that I could either take the semester off, no harm no foul, OR get 6 weeks paid leave from my RA/TA position, but would have to take the usual full load and work the rest of the semester. I thought those were some pretty great options, and looked no further.

Well, now that I will have need for one of these policies, I've started looking further. And man, am I frustrated. I called HR to verify the paid leave option because my advisor/boss thought that sounded rather extraordinary. So did the HR guy. Who felt it necessary to remind me that I'm not really an employee, but merely a student even though I'm on the payroll. And don't really get winter or summer breaks. Or spring break. Yeah, I know. I get it. And actually, when I first told him I had questions about graduate student maternity benefits he had me repeat myself because he was sure he'd heard it wrong. And then promptly told me there were none. Because I'm ONLY a student. I told him, per the graduate college, there were, in fact, maternity benefits, and directed him to the link. Shock and Awe. Wouldn't you know it, you DO get benefits, but only if you are this that and the other (I am) to qualify. So basically, he read to me what I'd already found online. Thanks...that was very helpful.

I LOVE it when I know more than the people who are paid to know something. LOVE it.

So, apparently these so-called benefits, that may or may not exist, are paid by the department, so I'm meeting with our director tomorrow to discuss these possibilities.

This is all coming on the heels of meeting with my advisor today and telling her the news. She was excited for us, which is great. And appreciated. She went on to recommend that I take the semester off, because very seldom will I have that opportunity again. True. But I make as much as Mr. Random right now, and it's piddlings. AND, my health insurance is through my school. and to GET said insurance I have to be enrolled and a TA/RA. Sigh.

I'd just planned on doing the 6 week paid option. You know? And then she put this idea in my head where I could take 5 months to just be a mom and really revel in it and bond with Baby and then, next January start back into it. Sounds great!

But how would we afford it? She suggested living frugally on just Mr. Random's income. Hah. Hah. I just looked at the numbers. It's not do-able. It's just not. Maybe if we sold a car...which, theoretically we could do, but...when you live 30 miles one way from work, and there's no public transportation...cars are kind of necessary.

Obviously these things should have been thought about before we put ourselves in our position. I thought that I had thought about it, actually...so, oops? I don't know what to tell you. A good solution would be Mr. Random getting a new better paying job. Okay, great! What about the health insurance? I like my insurance through the school...what if Mr. Random's insurance doesn't cover the hospital or doctor's I'm seeing? I DO NOT want to switch in my 9th month! (I guess another thing to look into) AND, if I want to switch back to the health insurance in the spring after coming back to school? Well, you can't, it's all year or nothing. So that's nice.

Basically, it sounds really nice to take Fall off. It does. I just don't think it's feasible. But if my department won't pay for my leave...then I don't know where that puts me.

I'm just so frustrated with the whole thing and have no idea how we'll afford to live in 7 months. Which is an awesome situation to have a baby in.

Terrible at secrets

I can keep a secret, I really can. As long as it's not my own. Then...I'm pretty much an open book. And convinced you already know anyway. This pregnancy has been no different. After our thoughtful decision to wait until at least after the first ultrasound to tell ONLY close family, and after 12 weeks to tell anyone else...we have now, at just prior to 9 weeks, pretty much told all of our family and close friends. Whoopsies?

It really just snowballed. I mean, I told my parents so they wouldn't book a ticket for spring break when I knew they'd want to come to see the baby. And then we told random friends when they asked us directly about it and weren't connected to our other sets of friends. And then we had the ultrasound and told the rest of our immediate family. But then my mom hinted to her sister who hinted back that my cousin who is 6 months older than I also has happy baby news (we're probably due the same week! I know! How cool is that?!) And then my dad really wanted to tell his sister because he thought she could really use the good news after losing their oldest sister. So then that side of the family knew and it didn't seem fair to keep Mr. Random's extended fam (aunts and cousins and such) in the dark...so then we told THEM. And now, I think pretty much our nearest and dearest are all in the loop. I just have to tell my boss (tomorrow!) and then we've covered our closest folk! We're still trying to hold out until 12 weeks to post anything on the internet (facebook or our family blog) but it almost seems moot at this point. Ah well...we'll see what happens.

But then! I find out that Mr. Random's sister miscarried at 10 weeks 2 years ago. I knew she'd miscarried...I didn't know it was at 10 weeks. I'm 9 weeks tomorrow. So now all my superstitious fears are flared up that we've somehow borrowed trouble or "asked for it" or something by telling everyone already. I know that's stupid, it was just a kind of doom doom doommmmmm moment when I found that out. You know?

I'll try to not think about it, much, and move on. :)

On the plus side, we'd thought that Mr. Random's father, Papa Random, would respond to the news by lecturing us on how we're moving too quickly and settling down too fast but he surprised us by being one of our most excited customers! =)

Boom Boom

Ladies and Gentlemen, there is, indeed, a baby growing in there. And it has a beating heart. Oh, and there's just one in there! (thank you!) My OB appt was yesterday and Mr. Random got to come with me. I'm so glad he was there!

We got there early after dropping off one of our cars to get a new blower motor (yay....) but I still managed to drink my requisite 32 oz of water before they called me back a little before my appointment time. That was for the ultrasound. Now, I don't know where I got this idea, but I thought when you had a 1st trimester ultrasound they used the dildo cam. Honestly, the only ultrasound I've been to was my best friend's when she was 18 weeks and they were checking her cervix (she wound up getting a cerclage) and they used the dildo cam for that. I was kind of dreading it.

Imagine my happy surprise when that was not the tool of choice after all! Nope, all I had to do was lay back, pull up my shirt, unbutton my pants, and suffer the goopiness of the jelly she squirted on my belly with little ceremony. And then the tech pushing on my bladder. I swear she was trying to squish the urine out. :)

But really, it was painless. So first we saw the full bladder, and she thanked me for filling it so full of urine. Yeah....um...you're welcome? It's not feeling so great to me, but sure. Then we saw a small circle that she said was the yolk sac. Crazy! I didn't realize it'd still be there and the placenta is actually still forming! I was staring in disbelief, trying to ignore the pressure on my bladder, and take it all in but the tech was so quick! It was like, and here's your baby, and now I'm measure the crown rump length. And I'm measuring it once more. Okay, and next, here is your ovary, and your other ovary and you are done! Well, there was a little more to the appointment than that, but that's what it felt like. And it was probably only about 5 minutes long. So, we saw the yolk sac...and then, there it was...our beautiful little....

blob.

I've heard people describe their 8 week old baby as viewed on ultrasound as a gummy bear. This sounds cute. We did not really get a gummy bear on the viewer or our printed pictures. No, it was a blob. And then on one print out Mr. Random observed the outline of a fish. Or a shark. Not exactly a cuddly sort of comparison, but, it does look remarkably like one.

Anyway, so we see the little blob and are assured that yes, that is, in fact, our baby. A baby! And as I'm staring at the blob, trying to believe that it is, in fact, a baby, growing inside my very body, I see it. The heartbeat. That was probably the best moment for me. More than hearing it even because we only heard it for maybe 5 seconds and it was over before it could register. It was before she'd zoomed in even, as I stared that the blob, trying to make sense of it...there it was. A pulsing little spot in the middle of the blob. I totally blurted out: "Oh my God, Mr. Random! The heart beat! Can you see it?" And then the tech zoomed in closer for some measurements and we could see it very clearly. A little pulsing flicker. So cool.

And then we saw my ovaries (really? if you say so...) and that was about it. Then I got to leave a urine sample (thank you!) and was sent back out to wait for my doc appt. And then found out that somehow it had been mysteriously canceled, they weren't sure how. So they got me in with someone else. And we waited. And waited. About an hour. When I asked what the deal was the in-take person was surprised I hadn't been taken back yet. Yeah...me too. But, in the end, we did get to go back, and the lady we saw was sooooo nice! She seemed genuinely excited and was such an upbeat personality and was a lot of fun. How she could seem so excited when I'm sure she sees newly pregnant women multiple times a day, I do not know, but it was appreciated.

We talked a bit more about what I can expect, we got a bag of goodies with parenting magazines, a binder about pregnancy and our hospital choices, and a sample bottle and some lanolin for my poor boobies that will suffer so much upon attempting breast feeding. :) She said that I could have 1 cup of coffee a day if I wanted, much to Mr. Random's dismay (he thinks I should have none...and so far, I have had none, but I just wanted to know what my boundary was). :)

Oh, and we talked about baby's gender. I think it's a girl. Mr. Random's leaning toward boy. But the doc we saw said she was leaning toward girl too. And that she has been right every time she's guessed, but she has to guess around 14 weeks. She thinks it's a pheromone thing. I see her for my 12 week appt, so we'll see what she thinks then. :)

Out of steam

I took a break from blogging, after doing so well for a good stretch there. Partly I was busy having fun with Mr. Random. Partly I wasn't sure what I wanted to say.

One of my aunts died unexpectedly over the weekend. She was in her 60's ( I don't know her age for sure, how sad is that? ) She's my dad's oldest sister, and was something like 14 when he was born, but again I don't know the age difference for sure. I do know she was quite a bit older, and as a result, he felt like he never knew her that well.

My most vivid memories of her are from some 15 years ago, and 20 years ago. Both involve her and my Grammy (her mother) fighting. They fought a lot, but I always got the idea it was misdirected love. They didn't know how to love each other, and were so much alike, it came out in a lot of negativity.

Her memorial will be this Friday; Mr. Random and I will not be able to go. And my dad has suggested it's better I not in my "delicate condition." Mostly I feel sad that I never made more effort to get to know her.

One of THOSE women

Once upon a time I lurked* theBump.com. Not because I was pregnant, or planning to find myself in such a position any time soon, but because my best friend was in the family way. And I liked reading about how her baby was developing and researching all about pregnancy and whatnots...because that's how I roll. (and that's the beginning of the long story that landed me on some infertility blogs...maybe more on that later)

I recall, at the time, reading some comments from women who just couldn't wait the 1, 2, or 3 weeks until their doctor appointment and ultrasound. They just wanted to see it NOW.

And I rolled my eyes.

I mean, seriously - you only get to be pregnant for roughly 40 weeks, if all goes well...why would you want to rush through it? I figured, you should just take each day as it comes and enjoy it. Obviously. (clearly never been knocked up myself, right?)

Yeah. Well. I kind of can't wait for my ultrasound. I'm not dying of anticipation, but I also get to go in week 9 (I think I'm counting that right, I'll be 8 weeks, 2 days pregnant, but somehow that's week 9?) - many women had to wait for weeks 10, 11 or 12. I'm very glad I have the earlier option. I'm still enjoying every day...it's just...I'm excited to see! I'm a very visual person and I feel seeing something, even a tiny gummy bear like figure, will make it all seem a lot more real. And it is going to be so amazing/weird to hear a heartbeat. Of course...as I write this, I worry that there is the chance there will be no heartbeat. (mostly because I'm superstitious and the way I wrote about hearing it so positively freaks me out a little...and I worry too much, but you knew that)

And honestly, either way, I'm just anxious to know. It really is so weird not having a very good idea what's going on in your body. I mean, I know developmentally what should be happening...more or less. But it's not like I can feel anything down there yet...I've been tired a lot and had moments of queasiness and heightened smell, and the boobies are still ginormous and terrifying...but beyond that, how am I to know?

An ultrasound. That's how.

And thus the anticipation. So - to the Ladies I rolled my eyes at previously - my apologies. I get it now. :)

*I originally used the verb "trolled" here - I did not, in fact troll. I never left a comment, hateful or otherwise. I actually lurked, thus the update there. I'm not a hater. I was just ignorant and judgmental - but at least I had the common courtesy to keep it to myself. :)

I worry too much...

I worry too much in general, but I also worry far too much about what other people think. This needs to stop. It's something Mr. Random and I have been working on. I feel like I may have blogged about this before...but in any case it's coming up now and I'll just blog about it again if I did.

When we were debating on the short sale/foreclose the house issue - one of our big concerns was what people would think of us. Primarily our families, but friends too.

Why?

Do those people have to live every day in our shoes? No, they do not. They may be family, but have they been there? Exactly where we are in trying to make this decision? No, they have not. And when you get down to it - we bought the house entirely on our own. No help from family. No loan from parents. 100% on our own. So that should mean the decision is 100% our own.

So why is that so hard? I can reason through it, it's very logical...and yet...I worry. I get anxiety. I stress. It's not healthy.

It's the same with the baby stuff. I worry about what people will think. What's wrong with me? Here we are, blessed, truly blessed, with a small miracle of life (it's a blueberry size right now, so that's what I mean by small) and I'm worried about what people will think?

I have got to get over this.

We ran into some old friends recently - they'd lived at the same apartment complex we did when we first moved to Phoenix, but they bought a condo the same time we bought our house and we kind of just lost contact with each other. But the husband (it's a married couple), it turns out, is finishing up his PhD and works in the same building I do on campus! How about that? And his wife drops him off around the same time my husband drops me off, so we bumped into each other. I love small world moments.

Anyway, we set up a dinner date with them, which transpired yesterday. It was really fun to catch up, the food was good, it was overall a great success of an evening. And we're invited to their Superbowl party (score!). Oddly, the conversation turned to babies and they were asking when we were going to get on that...since they literally have no connection to anyone else we know...we figured what the hell. So we told them. It was fun. They were appropriately excited and encouraging. And they know where I am in academia and thought it was a perfect time while I have a flexible schedule. This gave me some hope. But then, when we asked them when they were getting on the "train" (which I guess if they're having infertility problems would be somewhat insensitive, but they brought it up first, so I think we're good) and the wife said that now would just be a bad time for them with them moving this summer for the husband's new job (he's graduating in June and then starting a post-doc in another state).

And that's what started to rankle. It shouldn't, but it did. We're moving too. We have no idea when because it depends on whether or not we get an offer on our house, and if we do, if the bank will accept it. Which, by the way, we have had 0 showings of our home. So far, there have been 0 people interested. Which, is awesome. The realtor says it's because there are sooo many homes available in our town. Sigh.

But all the doubts started creeping back in. And I wondered if they'd known the WHOLE story - that we're short selling our house, and moving, who knows when, and that Mr. Random's income is sadly slightly less than mine and I'm a flippin grad student, and all that other drama, drama, drama, if they would not have been as excited. If maybe they'd think we were a little crazy.

And, I guess I am. Here I am, worrying about what they might think, if they know the whole story. How messed up is that?

So, I know that I need to move past this. I need to start believing that Mr. Random and I are in charge of our own lives, and everyone else can be damned, no matter what they think. If they support us, super! If they think we're idiots, they can keep it to themselves. If they can't keep it to themselves, then I should laugh at their inappropriate judgement (because that would be, really) and not let it get to me.

Now. Where to find that tougher skin?

Pickles and Ice Cream?

Pregnancy cravings. Have I had any? Maybe...but it's certainly not been pickles...and I crave ice cream 24/7 even when I'm not knocked up. I have definitely been craving ginger ale, and finally got some today (yummm). And I've been wanting chocolate a lot...maybe more than usual, but it's hard to tell. Chocolate is another one of those, I-could-eat-you-every-day-and-be-happy-if- you-didn't-go-straight-to-my-hips-to-annoy-me-for-the-rest-of-my-life kinds of food. :)

I think I've craved pizza less, which, is really weird. I mean, I'm usually good with pizza for lunch or dinner any day of the week. (it is NOT a breakfast food...and pizza is meant to be served warm, not cold, thanks) Even if I've had it every day (like in Rome) I'm still game. Lately...not so much. I made a pita pizza for dinner one day (put spaghetti sauce (from the jar) and your favorite toppings and cheese on a round piece of pita bread, bake until cheese melts - go ahead, try it, I bet you'll like it!) and the next day....when Mr. Random suggested a frozen pizza for dinner...I was not at all interested! This is very unusual...

But beyond that, I'm still firm in my dislike of pickles. The most exotic thing I've combined ice cream with is brownies. And I'm pretty much eating everything I did before - oh, except for peaches 'n' cream instant oatmeal. GAG me. I made some of that for breakfast a week ago and nearly vomited from the smell. Closest thing I've had to true morning sickness. :) I'm definitely feeling lucky so far...(*knock on wood, just in case)

Dear Phoenix Drivers,

There are so very many things that you perform poorly at, it is hard to know where to begin. I will start, therefore, with a specific problem that I encountered while driving yesterday in the afternoon.

It was the afternoon, approximately 1pm, and therefore not a peak traffic time. I could complain about how crowded the highway was despite this, but that's not what I want to address here, so let's move on. The problem, dear Phoenix Drivers, is that you speed along merrily, until you see one of our friendly patrolman parked on the side of the road. Then, without fail, you heedlessly slam on your brakes causing a major compression wave of slowing and braking behind you. This behavior - must stop.

First of all, the specific time this happened yesterday, I was cruising along at roughly the same speed as the car ahead of me - 68 mph in a 65 mph zone. Perfectly reasonable. Right? Well, the Phoenix Driver 2 cars ahead needlessly slammed on their brakes slowing to an unreasonable 58 mph. Seriously?

Ugh. Just....get it together Phoenix. Stop being dumb.

Another random tidbit...

...from the past. This one is from Thanksgiving. One of the days I was home I surprised my mom and brought her lunch at work with one of my brothers - it was fun. While there I got to meet some of her co-workers, including one that my mom likes a lot, gets along well with, and, consequently, I have heard quite a bit about. It was nice to meet her in person. But it was funny too.

I'm relatively short - 5'4" when I stand up really straight, which actually puts me at the national average I believe, but I'm petite and have always been "small" for my age. I'm used to being small and actually, for the most part, like it. I occasionally am the victim of great envy when I see a pair of amazingly long legs...which is something I will never pull off...but beyond that I'm good with my size.

So, when introduced to the co-worker (CW), it should not have been that surprising when she exclaimed, "you're so tiny!". However, CW, it should be mentioned, is a maybe 5 foot tall Asian woman...who is certainly smaller than I am! I am used to being called short and small, but usually this comes from people that are taller than I am...so I really wasn't sure what to say. But it was pretty funny.

Peer Pressure

I want to document as much of this time of my life as possible, but the caveat is that since I'm probably nearly as random as Mr. Random and have at least 10 things swirling in my mind at a time...it's not necessarily going to be in order.

So that's out of the way.

Back to some of my thoughts/feelings/etc. upon first learning the news that I am "in a family way". (I love euphemisms...they crack me up) I seem to recall that my first feelings were shock, and disbelief. I mean, statistically, cycle-wise, pretty much everything makes it seem so unlikely (which sucks for the people that are doing everything right with timing, etc. - I am sorry) But a few days later I started to get a mix of feelings. Sadly, I think for the first 2 weeks there, I was feeling more worried, scared, and unsure than anything positive.

You see, as a PhD student, and a female PhD student, I feel like there's a certain "culture," if you will, that is changing, but that basically suggests the wiser course it to put off baby-making for as long as possible. After getting tenure preferably. Do you know when that is likely to happen? (getting tenure, I mean) Probably my late 30's. My advisor is 45 and still hasn't quite gotten there - she's close, but not yet. She started her PhD later in life than I did, but not by much...so...yeah. I'm sorry, but I've read too many infertility blogs to think naively that I can just "put it off" indefinitely, and then when I feel oh so ready, the baby will materialize. It's just not that simple. I know it works for many, but having kids is important enough to us, the Randoms, that we'd prefer to not risk it not working out by delaying it so long. Further, we wanted to be young-ish parents. So waiting until tenure isn't really our thing.

But I feel like that puts us contrary to the opinions of other students (my peers) and the professors. I feel like the students are going to look at me like I'm crazy, or worse, assume it's a terrible accident and feel sorry for me! (I should probably give them more credit, but that's what I feel like is going to happen when they find out) It just would be nice if they could be excited for us...but it doesn't seem like they will be.

And then there's my advisor. My boss. Before I even started the PhD program I talked with her about how we wanted to have kids, and probably within the time frame of my PhD. (think about it, I could try to have kids during my schooling, when I have a flexible schedule and can do a lot of work from home...or....while I'm trying to establish myself as a professor at a new school with a much less flexible schedule and more demands...what would you do?) She was very supportive and said that was fine, but warned me it's very challenging. That's fine - I like challenges. :)

Well, that seemed very good and I was so excited to have found an advisor that was supportive (many would not be) and when I first started (last year) we talked a bit about my 4ish-year plan and when I should complete various milestones. And then she made suggestions about when would be more or less ideal for having a baby. She suggested we wait until August 2009 at the earliest to start "trying" b/c then the earliest the baby would be born would be spring 2010, and after I'd completed all of my required course-work. This sounded very logical and was on par with what we'd been thinking originally - actually we'd thought to start "trying" in December 2009, so that seemed more than fine.

Well, then in April 09 we had a chat again about milestones and family planning (is it really her business?) and she said really it would be best if we waited until December 2009, so that I'd have the summer too for doing...I don't even remember now.

Then this past November I went with her to my study area and we had many long chats, and one involved family planning yet again. This time she said that the best time to "try" would actually be when I defend my proposal (which should be in roughly 2 years) because then I'll have all the major milestones past and will have nothing to do but write my dissertation, which will be so much easier. Uh huh. The way it works is I should graduate 12 months from when I defend my proposal. Which will also be a very stressful time in my life, by the way. So basically she's saying, delay the "trying" until the point when I should be most stressed out (cuz I'm sure we'll get knocked up so easy then) and that way, I will be pregnant most of the time I write my dissertation, and she only has to deal with me with a child for roughly 3 months until I defend my dissertation and graduate. I'm sure it's logical. It's just not quite on par with OUR plan. Additionally, she mentioned, I could consider waiting until I was employed as a professor because then I'd get paid maternity leave. I then told her that our school has a policy to give RAs and TAs (that's my job title) 6 weeks paid leave, actually, thanks. She was shocked. And then stated that I'd better have a TA when I had a kid because SHE wasn't going to pay me 6 weeks for nothing. Nice.

Well, clearly, without intending to, we took Option 2 - the December 2009 option. I just hope she isn't too unreasonable about it. And I hope I can still be a student next fall.

So the point of all this, is that, the first 2 weeks, I worried over all of that. And really just felt the negative, oh crap what have we done? feelings.

This week is a new week. I'm starting to feel excited. And like I want to do this. And that now is a perfectly good time. And I'm glad. :)

Now Mom knows

I told my mother. You know, about the baby that is supposedly growing in my uterus right now. (I had a totally mind-blowing moment the other day thinking about that - I mean, supposedly, there is another person living inside me, with a beating heart and everything. And honestly, I can't feel a thing. It is sooooooo.......weird.)

Anyways, so (insert clever nickname for husband here - I'm still working on it) and I had decided that we wanted to wait at least until after my next appointment, if not until around the end of the 1st trimester before telling anyone else. Even our families.

Well that plan hit a snag when my mom called (when we were out to lunch with a friend and definitely didn't want to say anything...yes, I'll answer my phone for my mom when out to lunch, rude I know...get over it, it's my mom) wanting to find out the dates of my spring break. You see, she visited for spring break 2 years ago, and it was a lot of fun, and she wanted to repeat the experience. While I'd love for her to come then AND in the summer when we might be having this baby, I happen to also know that money is tight (isn't it for everyone?) and she most likely could only come once. And given the choice...she'd probably want to come in the summer/fall.

So, I called her back that evening, and we chatted for a bit and I tried to feel her out for how serious she was about coming and if she was going to book the ticket for spring, or if she was just toying with the idea. It was the former. Mr. Random (I think that'll be his new nickname...it fits, he's one of the most random, ADD people I know...un-diagnosed, but seriously, ADD) and I had chatted about it and decided that if it came to this I could tell her, and she could tell my dad, but NO ONE else. He was nervous that they wouldn't be able to keep the secret, but what else could we do?

After determining her intentions I knew it was time. I told her that before she books her ticket there's something else she might want to consider...since money is tight and getting time off can be tough. I then asked if she remembered what I had suggested I'd get her and my dad for their 30-year wedding anniversary (I know! 30 years!).

So here we need to back up for a moment. Come back with me to November - Thanksgiving, 2009. My mother bought me a ticket to come home (she'd have bought one for Mr. Random too, but he had to work all that week except T-day, so he didn't come) and all my siblings were there and it was awesome. While there, I discussed my mother's anniversary with her briefly.

You see, backing up even further, I had had the brilliant idea around October that we should send my parents to Disneyworld. They're huge fans of Disneyland, and went there for their honeymoon, and have never been to Disneyworld, but have often expressed interest in going. It's PERFECT I tell you. The catch was that I priced a few packages and we'd be looking at roughly $3000 to send them for the week with plane tickets, and admission to parks, and hotels etc. Now, $3000 is not exactly chump change, but I thought that if I split it with my 2 sisters (who are all employed and adults in their 20's as well, thanks) that it might be do-able. I mean, I figured we could save $1000 in the year or so we had before the big day (their anniversary is in the beginning of September). Well...the sister's are not as good at managing money as Mr. Random and I and sadly both said, great idea! But I can't pay for that. Not even half...and there's just no way in our situation we could save $3000. I just don't see it.

So, I discussed the Disneyworld idea with her, despite the fact it would negate a surprise factor, to see if she thought they could go if we helped pay for half of it...or if she would want to help plan, or what sounded fun to her. Also to see if she had any other ideas in mind for what she'd like to do for her anniversary. In this conversation I joked that maybe Mr. Random and I would just give her a grandbaby and be done with it...and my sisters could work out whatever they wanted on their own. Right.

So back to 2 nights ago, the conversation on the phone with my mother.

Me: You might want to consider something else...do you remember what I said I'd get you for your anniversary?

Mom: yes.

Me: Okay....yes, what exactly?

Mom:...well....something about Disneyworld.

Me: uh huh...and then I joked about getting you something else....

( She'd been thinking it the whole time I think, but not daring to hope. )

Mom: Children? A grandchild?

Me: Now I want you to know I was joking about that (I was!)....but you should be careful what you joke about...because it looks like we just may have done that.

I don't remember if I said the words "I'm pregnant". I don't think I did. But I told her it was still reallllllly early, and we hadn't planned on telling people yet b/c we wanted to wait until after the ultrasound, but I wanted her to have all the info when planning her trip. And that she could tell Dad, but please no one else. She said she wouldn't dream of telling anyone else, it wasn't her place. Aw, see, I knew I could trust you Mom! :)

So, she's pretty excited and thinking about a road trip down to AZ for a 2 week vacation around their anniversary. And I think that sounds like a pretty good consolation anniversary vacation, since Disneyworld isn't going to work out this year.

And I'm glad she knows now. I'm pretty much ready to tell anyone and everyone really...but then worry that it's still awfully early...and we don't really want to have to go back and tell everyone, never mind, if something happens.

Depression is not so fun

I also blogged somewhat recently about my husband's battle with depression. It seems that with a baby on the way, the average casual observer would be mildly concerned. Perhaps even moderately concerned. Well, Casual Observer, let me reassure you.

First, while Mr. Man (I think I want a new nickname for him already...I'll work on that) was diagnosed as a freshman in college with depression, it is now much less of an issue for him. That's not to say it has gone away completely, but I think it seldom does. That is to say that he has learned very effectively to manage it. And to make positive changes in his life that make the "bad" days fewer and farther between. But they do happen.

I also mentioned I was borderline depressed and overwhelmed with feelings of failure regarding our house stuffs. And now I'm pregnant! Hah. Hah. Heh? Yeah...it doesn't escape me that instead of simplifying my life it's now going to get unimaginably more complicated. And that hormones are likely to make me bat-shit crazy. Which on top of all that other stress, is probably a reaaaalllllly good idea. I know.

All I can say, Casual Observer, is...I'm confident we'll figure it out. And no one said it would be easy. But I'm pretty sure I've been promised that it will all be worth it.

This is so my life right now...

And we can't forget Rome

Furthering the wrapping up of lose ends, I want to say some things about Rome. I won't be able to say enough.

Firstly, the trip was, I think, everything we hoped for and more. It. was. Awesome. And amazing. And wonderful. And we can't wait to go back. :) My MIL is worldy and has traveled to some 80 countries and has been less than enthralled with my raptures of Rome. She kind of shrugs and is like, sure, but there are SO many better places. That may be. But Rome was our first taste of Europe and will probably therefore always hold a special place in our hearts. And I don't care how worldly you are, Rome is cool!

Mostly, I felt like I needed more eyes. There was art, EVERYWHERE. Especially in the Vatican. It's on the floor, the walls, the ceilings - EVERYTHING is covered with art or embellishment. I loved the cobblestone streets. I dearly wanted a cobblestone for a souvenir but did not take one (integrity or fear of airport security or something stayed my hand).

We got lost our first day, which was fine. We took off from the hotel with a map in hand and a "route" planned. We thought we were following this route, but quickly realized we had no idea where we were. Eventually we found our way to the Coliseum. How about that?

We learned some Italian. Bonjourno for good morning, hello, we learned before. But you say Buena Sera for Good Evening. I thought it was Buena Notte (thanks a lot Italian Podcast! leading me astray...) And Grazie for thank you, and Prego means, no problem. Anana is pineapple and arancia is orange. And Farmacia is the pharmacy. Which we visited. Twice.

I got sick the first full day we were there! Sniffles at first, and then a sore throat (first trip - found the arancia flavored with vitamin C cough drops all by myself, thanks!), and then just miserable sinus congestion and general sickie (second trip, had to mime nasal congestion and drainage to get the right stuff, fun though).

But we didn't let a little thing like a cold slow us down. We walked EVERYWHERE. And still didn't see all we wanted to see. We covered at least 8 miles a day ( we Google Mapped it to measure our routes later (we started recording our routes on the maps provided by the hotel to document them). We saw the Pope - which was cool, even if I'm no longer a practicing Catholic. *gasp! I know...sorry Grammy!*

It was just wonderful. Despite getting sick I have no complaints. I'd go back in a heartbeat. We both feel sad that we can't just jaunt out and down to the Spanish Steps. And the pizza. How I miss the pizza! And seeing Sbarro in the airport on our way back made me laugh...and then sob a little. "Italian" pizza you say? No...I know better. You are nothing like the real thing. Because, first of all, they don't serve it in rounds cut into slices. So...you're missing the point there.

Anyway, I took 1462 pictures. I ate pizza for lunch, ever. single. day. Yes, it was wonderful. I had spaghetti twice (b/c the first time tasted like American spaghetti WE make and I was CONVINCED there had to be something better - there was). And we threw a coin into the Trevi fountain, backwards over the opposite shoulder like you're supposed to...so hopefully we'll be going back sometime.

A few other things

I feel like the sporadic nature of my posting has left some things dangling that maybe I should wrap up here. Or at least clarify.

For instance, the issue of short selling our house. I think I went over the reasoning pretty thoroughly, but previously mentioned that we were "for sure" being processed for a modification with the Bank. Hah! They told me that I should receive FedEx-ed documents outlining the modification process and what our new trial mortgage would be within 45 days of that phone call. The 45th day was Dec. 9 - the day we signed our short sale papers with the realtor. You may notice it is now January 9, a full MONTH past that 45 day window closed. Have we received papers? No. Have we received any information at ALL regarding that modification? No, we have not.

We have received 3 copies of our new mortgage payment books for 2010. THREE. Nicely done Bank. Nicely done.

We received numerous messages on our machine that were waiting for us upon our return from Rome. You see, we stopped paying the mortgage in December. That's what was recommended to us for the short sale process by the HUD counselor. For a lot of reasons that made sense. The stunning, stunning, thing to me, was that after all this time. All this effort. After waiting 45 days for word on a supposed modification that still has not materialized...after having to send our paperwork for said modification 3 times, after answering the same questions on the phone, also, at least 3 times...and still NOTHING comes of the modification...we can miss one payment and starting the DAY that it is late, we receive phone calls from their debt collection call center. THE DAY. Stunning.

And we continued to receive numerous calls a day for approximately 3 weeks until I'd had enough and finally called them back to inform them that no, I would not like to make my payment, and in fact, no further payments would be made on this account because we are in the process of a short sale. The kindly person on the phone (I worked phones too, I know it's not her fault) didn't argue...she just said she'd make a note. And for a week the calls stopped. We got another one last night.

Here's my thinking on the matter. Maybe, just maybe, if instead of being all over the people that are delinquent, they put SOME of their resources towards helping folks with modifications and the like...THEY WOULDN'T HAVE TO STAFF SO MANY PEOPLE TO DEAL WITH DELINQUENT MORTGAGES!!! For crying out loud! We tried for a year. A YEAR. to get some kind of help. And still, NOTHING. We miss one payment and suddenly they're filling our answering machine (we're old school) with messages demanding their money.

Well, I'm very sorry Bank. We don't have it. Like I told you countless times over the last 6 months. We had a serious loss of income. We are seriously underwater. We have actually exhausted our savings trying to pay you. We have taken out a serious amount of student loans to continue paying you. We're done. We've done what we could. Now please stop calling me, unless you're willing to offer me something that can make it feasible to stay in my house, or want to grant me this short sale unconditionally upon finding a buyer.

43 is a good number

In honor of my 43rd post I will now post 43 random things...about me (you're welcome)...you know, to document who I am right now. Because I think it's interesting to look back and see how I've grown and changed over the years. And also, today is my half-birthday.

1. I want to learn to fly before I die. You know...like a pilot a small aircraft

2. I love hot air balloons - watching them, riding in them, everything about them...except maybe how hot it is in the basket..Mr.Man made my dreams come true surprising me with a hot air balloon ride for my birthday OVER my home town I grew up in and was so bitter to leave at age 13...this was while we were dating...I knew then he was a keeper for sure

3. I tend to sip beverages (of all kinds, even water) rather than chug them...

4. I'm VERY slow in the mornings. Mr. Man calls me a morning slug.

5. I enjoy long, hot showers. A lot. I tend to daydream while taking them.

6. I am happy on a Mac OR a PC. Blasphemy, right?

7. I enjoy the Sims 3. I previously enjoyed the Sims 2.

8. I love taking pictures. I took 1462 in Rome. We were there for 3.5 days.

9. I love hiking, but I hate getting hot, sweaty and the burning sun. These things often complicate each other.

10. My dream car is a blue Dodge Viper...with gull doors. Because, if you're spending that much $ on a car, I can have gull doors damnit! (like on a Delorean)

11. I used to write poems all the time...but I haven't in a long time. Every now and then I think I should start up again...maybe I blog instead?

12. I very much enjoy Kelly Clarkson's new CD.

13. My palate is expanding. Once a super picky eater I think I'm now only moderately picky. I'll even eat, and sometimes enjoy, spaghetti! (NEVER as a kid)

14. My favorite number is 13 and I'm a little sad I used such a lame tidbit for #13

15. I drive a Honda Civic. It's nice. REALLY good gas mileage. But no Viper. :)

16. I can identify most car's make and model on sight...and I'm proud of it. I'm still working on years I guess...not as good at that one.

17. I'm usually starving by 11am and well past ready for lunch.

18. I DETEST getting up before the sun (ie in the dark) I'm convinced it's not healthy.

19. I still miss the Pacific Northwest. And trees. And rain. But DO enjoy AZ's beautiful weather.

20. I sometimes feel like a blood traitor for switching from my master's department to my phd department.

21. I usually pick at my nails, and do it when I'm bored and don't even notice, but in Rome Mr. Man started hitting my hands when I did it (thanks honey) and miraculously it took only about 2 hits and I've stopped! They're now probably the longest they've ever been in my life. It makes typing feel weird. I'm not sure yet if I like it or not.

22. I was #22 in my 6th grade class...for awhile it was my favorite number because of this. I have no idea what the number was for now...my cubby maybe? To check grades? No idea...

23. I got hooked reading infertility blogs 2 years ago. I just needed to know if these women would get their hopes and dreams! Then it started to feel weird...so I've mostly stopped and now only read 1 because I find the author entertaining.

24. I tend to make best friends with LDS people, I am not, however, LDS.  I don't try to...it just happens.

25. I have really, really, really, weird and vivid dreams. Sometimes nightmares. The nightmares are not good. I just had one recently after not having any for a long time. I've had to seek counseling for the nightmares.

26. I've had very few dreams since becoming knocked up actually, which is weird for me.

27. I kind of want to have a coffee addiction. I love how it smells, and now enjoy drinking it with lots of cream and sugar...especially that flavored cream. 'Course now I can't drink it in "my condition" so it's just as well I don't have an addiction...and I'm sure it wouldn't be healthy...but I dream of one day owning my own coffee maker. Preferably in red or some other sporty color.

28. I love looking at foreign currency. I used to collect pennies based on the year they were minted...I was trying to get one for every year going back as far as I could. Now I just collect the state quarters. I think I'm missing one...but can never remember which it is. It's an "M" state.

29. I love satsumas and clementines, but am not such a fan of the larger oranges.

30. I really like chocolate. Most anything chocolate.

31. And I have a major sweet tooth. It does not help my ever expanding bu-thigh region.

32. For the most part I like my body, but I've always been sensitive about my butt. Thanks Dad (he used to make a lot of jokes about it actually)

33. I was mortified when I started my period. I really, really didn't want it, and really, really didn't want to tell my mother about it.

34. I also really hated my boobs for about the first 10 years I had them. Just recently I started to appreciate, admire, and be glad for the nicely perky B/C's. And now they are frighteningly close to D's already and scare me a little bit. JUST when I was starting to like them...

35. Right now I'm really into the coconut lime verbena scent for lotions and such...LOVE it, don't know why

36. I got an iPod Touch for my graduation gift for my Master's from my Momma. I lurve it so much! I started wanting one when I worked for 6 weeks as an iPod tech support phone rep. That's right, I was an iPod Tech Support person. I can probably still tell you anything you need to know about iPods and iTunes. But will I? Maybe...we'll see.

37. I enjoy Sudoku and am so pleased to be playing at the Expert level on said iPod Touch.

38. I Zumba. It's pretty much the most awesome exercise ever. One of the only things I will do and not mind when I start sweating buckets. Which is crazy for me. Usually a hint of perspiration is enough for me to stop whatever I'm doing. Zumba just might change my life.

39. half of my family is LDS, and the other half is Catholic. Mr. Man and I are now irregularly practicing Lutherans.

40. I very much enjoy scrapbooking. I've toyed with "going digital" for awhile now...but always end up not. First of all, I have way too many cool papers and stickers, etc. to stop now. Secondly, I think I really enjoy the tactile part. BUT, with digital it's a lot cleaner, contained and for an OCD person like me, easier to match colors and resize things and get things JUST SO on a computer....we'll see what I end up doing in the long haul. For now, I'm about 6 months behind and just got a ton of great stuff for Christmas...

41. I love egg salad sandwiches. Especially since becoming "with child," even before I knew I was in such a family way.

42. I hate cheese for the most part, but pizza is probably my most favorite food. How does this work? Well, I only like cheese if it's properly melted, and pretty much cheddar or mozerella. I will tolerate parmesan if you melt it in with the others on a pizza. I will not tolerate it in powder form on anything.

43. My favorite tv show right now is How I Met Your Mother.

I am a Cheeseball

I'm generally super sappy and really cheesy when it comes to all things romance, love, etc. Mr. Man groans all the time with how bad I really am. (it would be nice if he just appreciated my efforts, for crying out loud! but alas, he does not - at least not to my face)

So, awhile ago, when we first stopped taking the birth control pills ( and by we, I mean me ) I daydreamed up different ways of blogging the news on our family blog. All kinds of cheesy stuff. I finally settled on something along the lines of:

Hey everyone! Mr. Man and I finally figured out where babies come from! (took us long enough right? 3.5 years after getting married, but hey, it's not a race!) Anyways, so last time we saw a rainbow (in Rome) we went to the end of the rainbow and twirled in a circle 3 times and magically the pot appeared! Sadly, when we looked inside, they were FRESH OUT of babies - I guess it's that time of year and there's been a run on them. Anyways, they let us put our order in and have promised delivery via stork on or around (insert due date here).

Funny, right? I thought so. Thought it was clever even. The husband......does not agree. He laughed....but kind of nervously looking at me sideways like I was a crazy person. (he seems to do that a lot...hmmm) He then told me he didn't know...it's not really how HE'D tell our family. He went on to say he didn't care, I could blog whatever I want after I pressed him to tell me how HE'D like it to be done. Sigh.

But I'm not sure if I'll do it when it comes to the time for that. I mean, I like it...but maybe it is a little too silly? I dunno...there's time to decide anyway.

1st OB appointment

Back to baby. Hey, it's a big deal!

So today was my 1st OB appointment, and it was, rather...anticlimactic. I suppose it was to be expected...I mean, I'm 6 weeks...what were they going to do?

So I'd read online (because this is what I do) about what can be expected at the 1st appointment, and had asked when I scheduled it if there would be an ultrasound. I was told then there would not be. They kept that promise, which is fine.

Dr. Google said that I could expect to give a urine sample, a blood sample, and to endure, yet another, pap smear. (guess it's time to get used to a lot of people hanging out down there...) But I loathe pap smears. For one thing, they're VERY uncomfortable, and more often than not, painful for me. I've been told it's because I have a tilted cervix. Cool. Could we just not hit it with the speculum please!?

Anyway, the good news is, I gave the urine sample (on cue like a champ! that's what training can do for you...and drum corps...I used to have a real problem with giving urine samples...anyways) and then a little bit later was called back and congratulated. Well thanks! But I'm still not 100% sure anything's really growing in there...I mean, other then some light cramping that comes and goes...and the missed period...the GINORMOUS boobies...and WAY sensitive sniffer...I don't have any symptoms! (what I really mean is, I'm not puking like most people I know...so that makes it seem less real, but I'll try not to complain)

Right, so where was I? Ah yes, they called me back, took the ol' blood pressure and then the "doc" came in and asked a few questions, told me a bit about what to expect, what to look out for, and then answered my list of questions (prepared a la Dr. Google). She gave me hand outs about what not to do/eat/etc. and what to expect and who to call if anything seems to be wrong...and then sent me down the hall to have my blood drawn.

Here's where it gets a little more interesting (thank God, right?). There's a small waiting room with 6 chairs, 5 of them filled with people...I walk in and take the 6th. And everyone stares as you're wont to do in a small waiting room...but then I noticed something. To my right was a young woman...maybe 23, and an older woman I would assume to be her mother. This older woman is looking at me with...pity is it? concern? She looks ready to cluck at me and shake her head in gentle dismay. Do you know this look? I didn't think too much of it at the time...and didn't have much time to suffer her pity because almost as soon as I sat down her daughter was called up to get her blood drawn. Then they left and it was my turn. And the phlebotomist (the one that sticks ya and takes your blood) kind of had the same look. And when she told me to have a seat, she added Sweetie on the end.

So here's the part where I explain that even though I am 26 years old (26 and half even - I know, that's still young, right? please tell me that's still young!) and have been married for 3.5 years and am a PhD student...I look...maybe 20. I've always looked young for my age, which was always a fun irony because I was also always mature for my age, making the discrepancy that much more concerning for the casual observer I suppose. But I forget all the time that I do, in fact, probably, look a lot younger than I actually am. I'm fairly small in build, and just have one of those faces. It's a good thing, and I know I'll appreciate it as I continue to get older...but here's where it's going to be frustrating and fun all at the same time: when I'm visibly pregnant and in public. I've joked before about how people would be judging me (thinking I'm a teenager) but it seems this might actually be coming true. I never would have expected to encounter it so soon...and maybe I'm being paranoid? But I really believe that those 2 women thought I was too young. Not to mention that my wedding ring is understated and I wear it sans engagement ring...so they probably also assume I'm unwed.

haha! jokes on them! :) I think I'll like this at first...but I imagine I'll tire of it pretty quickly...

Hollywood

I was watching TV the other night with Mr. Man, and as we were cuddled up a commercial came on with Ellen Page, who I think is awesome and super attractive. I would very much like to have her figure. And as I thought that, "wow, she's attractive, I would very much like to have her figure" another thought occurred to me - I imagine she has to work hard for that figure. It's possible she's genetically lucky, but she probably at least has to watch what she eats and fit in regular work outs (things I should do but always find more important things to do instead).

And I wonder...if she would look at me, a "normal" woman, with still a pretty nice figure (just a bit plump around the thighs and tush...but still, very admirable) and be jealous too. Not that she'd want to look like me, but that I don't have the Hollywood pressure to have to look perfect like her. I can look just like me, and be a slightly less "perfect" version of myself, and my husband still loves me. I can still do my job. I get paid the same. And if she wouldn't be a little jealous for that freedom. I think I would in her shoes.

Then I'd look in the mirror, see how hot I was...check the bank account...and move on with my pretty happening life. But maybe for a moment...she'd be a little envious...

Which goes to show, we really do need to learn to appreciate what we have.

Just one blog

I mentioned earlier I might start a new blog for the baby stuff. I've decided against that. It's too complicated. So if reading about baby stuffs is not you're thing...then you'll probably want to move on. Because it is quite likely that baby stuffs will be consuming my thoughts for awhile here.

I do, however, sincerely hope that that is not all I write about. Because, well, BORING.

So, a non-baby topic seems to be the order of the day....

*thinking....thinking....*

Well, here's something near and dear to my heart: Googling. Yes, it is a verb. I will confess...I have a habit. I LOVE Googling stuff. Anything and everything. At all hours of the day. When I'm watching a movie, my favorite thing is to have a laptop handy so I can Google random tidbits as the movie goes along. Everything from what the movie actually about, the back story to the plot, if the movie covers historical events I like to Google those, all the way to the actors and their bios and what else they've been in and where they're from. All of it. I love it.

I think I'm a knowledge junkie. I seriously want to get an internet-capable cell phone (I know, I'm still in the dark ages...I *gasp* don't even have text messaging!) so that I can Google at ANY TIME OF DAY. ANYWHERE. All the time.

Welcome 2010

It is a New Year. I always wonder what changes the new year will bring. The last 2 years have seen so many changes for us. If the baby giving me a positive pregnancy test sticks around, 2010 will be no different.

You may notice I'm not jumping for joy and announcing our pregnancy to the world yet. Maybe this is odd for a first time pregnant woman? We've just seen too many of our friends suffer the pain of miscarriage...and frankly I've spent entirely too much time reading infertility blogs (why? long story...) to take it lightly and assume one (okay two) positive pee tests mean a baby in 9 months.

Mostly I'd say we're excited though. Yesterday, however; I was not. I was feeling stressed out and overwhelmed and under prepared. And rather than pretending those feelings away, I expressed them and maybe even reveled in them a little. Better to get those out of the way now. :)

And it kind of goes with my new years resolution. We don't really make resolutions, per se. And Mr. Man has resolved to make no more resolutions, which is clever, but I did kind of have one in mind. Nothing specific really, no formal "I resolve to: (fill in the blank)"

I just want 2010 to be the year that I truly start living my new motto: Seize the Moment. I thought of it sometime before our trip to Rome, which I felt really epitomized the new motto. I detest Carpe Diem, by the way, so don't throw that one down my throat. I took Latin once and I seem to recall being bothered by the conjugation or translation or something, and additionally my high school bf (not all happy memories with that one) LOVED that phrase and wanted it to be HIS personal motto. GAG me. So no, not Carpe Diem. Seize the Moment is totally different...and don't tell me otherwise! It is!

Seize the Day is not what I mean at all. Seize the day is like, wake up with a good attitude, and go for it, and take your life in your hands. Or something.

Seize the Moment, however; is like, when an opportunity arises, take it. When something unexpected comes up, enjoy it. And it makes more sense because really, our lives are a series of moments, not days and I argue the important days in our lives, are important because of the moments that happened on those days. My wedding day for instance, was kind of a shit storm of a day. But there were happy moments...

So, Seize the Moment, my new motto for 2010.

Home Invasion

**Warning: If you are sensitive to topics involving rape or home invasion, like I am, you may not want to read the following. I was not hurt, do not worry, just...I realize the topic can be greatly distressing and wanted to warn that the topic is feature in the following.**

There's some important back-story that will help illuminate my frame of mind yesterday morning, and why the events that occurred were so distressing. I mostly find it amusing now, but there were a few moments of intense worry there.

The back-story can be summed up succinctly in the following 3 sentences: In the past, I have had recurrent, violent, realistic-feeling nightmares of rape. I have sought therapy for this, and it has been very helpful. Today I am mostly nightmare free, but every now and then something can happen that just really doesn't sit well for me.

An example of something happening: sometimes it's just watching Family Guy and they have an episode that is chock full of rape jokes. Seriously? Who thinks rape jokes are funny? Why is that something to laugh about and mock? It really disturbs me. Usually I just find those disturbing and either change the channel or leave the room if there are others watching who oppose changing the channel.

There have been 2 times where I've had a stronger reaction. Both have been to movies. One was years ago and actually prompted me to seek counseling - it was watching The History of Violence...when he's about to rape his wife. I was watching with Mr. Random, before we were married, and felt like a true Banshee. I stood up and screamed a crazy howl, and bolted out of there. I ran faster than I'd ever run before and ran until I couldn't breath. My husband's a fast runner, and by the time he got to the door couldn't see which way I'd gone. I can't even explain why I reacted that way or what I was thinking. I don't feel like I was thinking. Anyway, so I got counseling after that.

The second time, was yesterday. Watching Law Abiding Citizen. Similar scenario, there's a home invasion, and they're about to rape the wife. I honestly couldn't take it. It wasn't as strong a reaction as the first time, but I still felt the need to scream and run. Which I did, but I didn't run as fast or hard b/c of the whole I'm pregnant thing. No need to deprive Junior of blood now.

WHY do they feel like graphically playing out rape scenes in movies? I guess you need to know that happened to understand the husband's desire for justice and then revenge...but really? Maybe it's not any different than graphically showing someone killed...but for some reason, for me, it is.

So, Mr. Random feels really bad...he picked the movie...he didn't realize that it'd have that in it. The problem is, I won't be able to get it out of my head for a few days to a week. Which is where I found myself Sunday morning. In bed, sleeping in with Mr. Random, and playing the scene over in my head. But. Whereas I used to just torture myself replaying the scene until I felt crazy, counseling has helped me replay the scene and then change it. I took RAD classes (self-defense designed for women) and that helps too. So I find myself in bed, replaying the scene, but breaking it down to all the RAD moves they could have used to fight their attackers, despite being bound at the wrists and ankles. Trying to think of all the ways they could have avoided the attack, or at least the rape part. I honestly would rather they just killed me than suffer that. With that mind-set it becomes a lot easier to try various things to prevent the attack...I mean, if you care if they kill you that limits your options a bit.

So, as I'm going over it, and over it in my mind, we hear a high pitched whine sound. I ask Mr. Random what it is...I think it's our alarm, but don't want to sound too paranoid. The sound continues...I jump up and look outside to see two vehicles blocking our driveway. I open the bedroom door, and sure enough, our home alarm is going off. Someone has tried to enter our house and they have set off the alarm! You have to be f***ing kidding me.

Now, you know that our house is for sale...so I'm trying to be rational and consider that a realtor might have been an idiot and not called first...and they're the ones that set off the alarm. Mr. Random answers the phone call from our monitoring company and is asking me for the password. I don't want to give it until we clear the downstairs and know that there's not someone waiting with a bat to kill, or worse, to us. So he goes down, and I follow, because I'm not going to let some asshole beat him up while I wait upstairs. We find no one in the house.

There's also no one in the cars blocking our driveway. Did I mention, during all of this, that I'm blind because I have no idea where my glasses are and I don't have contacts in? That's fun. So I quickly put in my contacts, put on a bra and a sweater, and then go back out to our loft where Mr. Random is watching people get into the cars and telling the monitoring company we don't need the police.

I marched downstairs and out in my pajamas and socks and confronted the occupants of one car. It was an older woman, and 2 kids, but I was ready to fight them if they showed any sign of aggression, that's how on edge I was. I asked if they had tried to enter our house. They laughed and said, yes, the realtor had gotten the wrong number. They found the house they wanted though - just down the street.

At first, I was pissed that they'd set off our alarm and then ran away without explaining themselves. After my head cleared a bit I realized that was the smartest thing for them to do. This IS the southwest. Many people own guns. And since you invaded the home without the owners knowledge or permission, key from the lockbox or not, I think the homeowner would be legally in their right to shoot first and ask questions later. Luckily, we don't own a gun.

I sincerely hope that does not happen again. It probably won't, as it looks like we're moving...more on that tomorrow.