Sunday, January 9, 2011

Lingering Tears

I can't remember if I wrote about this or not.

One day, when Wiggles was just 2 weeks old, I put him in his crib for a nap.  Mr. Random had gone back to work and had urged me to put him in his crib while I went back to my own room to try to get some sleep.  We had a baby monitor, though Mr. Random even suggested turning it off so I could get 2 hours of sleep.  (Wiggles wasn't sleeping.  At all.)

I couldn't comprehend ignoring a BRAND new baby for 2 hours, even for sleep, which, at that point, was critically important for my milk supply - as in my supply was dwindling precariously from utter lack of sleep.  But I did put Wiggles in his crib.  And went back to my own room.

I left the monitor on.  But soon it started making jarring static sounds.  It was incredibly annoying, and in my tired state, reduced me to tears.  I was so frustrated.  Nothing I did could make the static stop.  So I turned the monitor down.  I thought I'd left it loud enough to hear Wiggles when he next started crying.

I was wrong.

I slept.  For nearly 2 hours I slept and it was much needed.  But when I woke in confusion (because I hadn't had such a long un-interrupted session of sleep in over a week) and looked at the monitor (it's a video monitor) what I saw stopped my heart.  Wiggles was flailing frantically.  I couldn't believe it.  The monitor had, in fact, been turned down too far.  I turned it up, incredulous.  Sure the thing had broken and wasn't capable of sound.  It was.  And I heard his pathetic, terrified cry.

I rushed to his room.  He'd been flailing and kicking his legs.  And this caused him to bump his head repeated into a keyboard toy hanging on the side of his crib.  There was a fine layer of his hair left on the toy.  :(  I have no idea how long he cried.  It could have been almost the whole 2 hours.  It's possible it was only 10 minutes.  But I'm guessing it was at least an hour.

And I am still so heartbroken when I think about it.  And I think about it nearly every time I see his keyboard toy.  Poor little guy.

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About this Blog

I have a journal. You know, the real kind...paper, bound in a book form...nice leather cover. And I do write in it...every few months. I like it, but somehow I find it hard to keep up regularly. I'm at a computer nearly all the time, so I find it easier to keep up on this blog. So, that's what this blog is for. To help me journal when I'm away from my journal. A place to collect my thoughts before I lose them to the chaos of my mind.

Or see my first post here. That's why I started this blog.