2 Steps Forward...1 Back

So - we are in the midst of "cry it out" with Wiggles.  And our week has gone like this:  First night of the New Regime - Wiggles woke at 1:50am, cried for 1.5 hours (amazing stamina Little One!) and then crashed out - only to wake again (and get fed) at 5:30am.  

The next 2 nights, he slept from bedtime until 6am!  Wonderful!

Then, again the waking at 1:50am.  2am is now considered The Danger Zone in our house.  And he cried for 1.5 hours, again.  And then woke to eat around 5:30am.

Then another night of sleeping all the way until 5:30am!  Woohoo!

And then last night...awake again at 1:50am.  But...I slept through him crying!  What kind of mother am I?  I didn't sleep through entirely - I mean, when he started we both woke up.  I managed to mumble "we're not getting him, right?" to Mr. Random, who confirmed.  And then....I went back to sleep.  So when Wiggles woke me at 4:45am this morning, I thought he'd only cried for 20 minutes and we were making progress!  Mr. Random informed me later that, in fact, he'd cried his usual 1.5 hours.  When I asked Mr. Random what kind of mother would sleep through that - he said "a tired one".  And, truth be told, I AM exhausted.  This trying to work on my PhD and teach AND be a mommy is all a bit tiring!

So - now The Conundrum.  The pediatrician had mentioned (I'm adding this for you too Aisha!) that if we have a really hard time with not feeding him until after 4-5am, that we could try going in right before we go to bed (so like 9 or 10pm after putting him down around 7 or 8) and waking him up to feed him again.

Now.  The Sacred Rule in this house is: Never wake a sleeping baby.

So this suggestion just sounds insane to us.  And we're not ready yet to try it.  Even with the 2 steps back, we do still have the occasional step forward...so for now...we'll stick with The New Regime.  And hope Wiggles learns soon to eat enough before bed, soothe himself if he wakes up in the night, and we'll all sleep peacefully.  *fingers crossed!*

Fits and Starts

See, fits and starts.  I did have to get up to feed Wiggles at 5:30 this morning...but when he woke again at 8:30...Mr. Random grabbed him and let me sleep in.

A Vent

I just need to vent for a moment.  Before I do I want to start with the caveat that Mr. Random is, in fact, for the most part, a good father and husband.  He does do his share of work and pull his own weight.  The trouble, it seems, is he does it in fits and starts.

Here's how today went, from my point of view.

We went to bed at the same time.  Wiggles, thankfully, slept through the night.  When he woke at 6am, I got up and fed him.  I then took my shower and got ready for the day.  Mr. Random slept in.  I imagine my morning activities disturbed his sleep - but it can't be more than his did my sleep back when Wiggles was BARELY sleeping and Mr. Random was working.

I started working on somethings and checking email.  Got breakfast, and realized that Wiggles would want to eat about 15-20 minutes before I needed to leave to go teach (separate from the 7:30 class).  So I started pumping about 40 minutes before I planned to leave.  Amazingly, Wiggles slept this whole 2 hour chunk of time!

Right as I was finishing pumping, and literally 5 minutes before I had wanted to leave, Mr. Random gets up and informs me that the baby is waking.  He wants to know if I'll be able to feed him, since he can see I'm pumping.

Um.  No, dear, I have to leave, that's why I'm pumping.  I finish pumping while Mr. Random gets Wiggles and plays with him while I prepare the milk into a bottle.  I hand that to Wiggles, and he manages to hold it and get the nipple into his mouth!  When did he learn to do that?  I just handed him the bottle to see what he'd do!  I then grab my stuff and head out the door, 10 minutes late.

I teach my class.  Roughly 3 hours late I arrive back home, just in time to feed a hungry baby.  Which I do - knock another 40 minutes off my day.  Though, I ate lunch at the same time, so yay multi-tasking!

We want to go on a walk with the baby, the plan is to do so after he finishes eating.  Problem - our stroller tires are flat.  So we go on the walk with just the baby carrier.  I end up feeling ill on the walk but we finish it. I'm frustrated that this takes another hour plus out of my productive hours, but am glad to spend the time with my family.  Mr. Random and I definitely need to start doing things like this to reconnect, with or without (probably better) Wiggles.

We get back and I try to get some work done.  Now, before we left, Mr. Random DID start a roast in the slow cooker.  Though I had to offer input the whole time.  Fine.  I appreciate him actually doing the work.

I did get some work done, but soon it was time to do the rest of dinner.  Mr. Random wanted steamed broccoli.  It's not hard, and yet he doesn't know how so I always do it?  And we were making roasted potatoes.  We?  No.  Me.  Meanwhile, he's been playing his video games.  Every so often I have to cross between him and the TV b/c we have a small apartment.  This apparently pisses him off.  He complains about it.  He picked a poor time though, because I had just STOPPED working, to finish cooking dinner.  While he played his video game.

REALLY?  I'm trying to get work done while you play a video game, and you're going to get upset at me for walking over to the window to draw the blinds because it's dark outside now?

We had dinner and watched a movie together.  I didn't feel like it a lot b/c I was irritated, but thought I needed to swallow my pride and do something sort of together with him.  After the movie and dinner it was time for clean up.  He started to help and spilled a bunch of the sauce from the slow cooker - I asked what happened and he said in an irritated voice "I'm tired!".

Really.

I'm sorry that I don't have much sympathy - considering you slept in 3 hours later than I did, told me earlier you weren't doing any work today, your contributions to dinner were equal or less than mine, and you spent the rest of the day either playing with our son or video-gaming.

That's all.  Just venting.

Quick Post

Just a quick post - since I said I'd keep you updated.

I called the pediatrician - and she said, in brief, that poor, dear Wiggles is not to eat before 4am (it's like he's a gremlin!).  So, keep on with our bedtime rituals and putting him down around 7pm +/- 1 hour like we have (it's been pretty close to 7 this whole past week) and then if he wakes up before 4am - and she'd really like that closer to 5am even - don't feed him.  Let him cry.

=(

We can pat him and comfort him if we like - but no picking him up.  And for the love of all things, keep my boobies in my shirt.

Sigh.  And of course, the first night under the new regime - Wiggles woke at 2am.  And promptly cried for 1.5 hours.  We'd all have gotten more sleep if I'd just fed him!  (that only takes 40 minutes)

But.  Night 2?  He slept until 6am!

It's too soon to declare victory - but it's definitely a step in the right direction.

Still have to ask

So, part of blogging once a week is not only my posting...also my reading.  Truly, it's the reading that takes up so much of my time.  But I do love it so!  And confess I read a few times a week over the past week or so since my last post.  It's actually kind of a habit/addiction at this point!  Which is concerning in its own right I suppose.  But I've always been the type to get STUCK in a book - as in, I do not want to put it down for anything until it's done.  I'll just sit.  and read.  I even delay using the bathroom!  So...it's perhaps not that surprising that I find myself wanting to read blogs more often than once a week.

I still haven't asked the pediatrician about the night feeds.  I plan to call and ask tomorrow.  I had decided that he must really be hungry and I'd just go with it because he is still pretty young.  And after making that decision life was good, and then better - he slept for 10 hours 2 nights in a row!  I thought we'd *finally* made it into the blissful world of regular - long - sleep.  And then...it started to fall apart.  It started with a waking at 4am.  The next night, it was 3:30am.  Then 3...2:55...2:45...and then last night he woke up at 1am and 6am before actually waking for the day at 8:30.  Ugggghhhh. 

And tonight?  Well...I put him down early because he's been super tired the past 2-3 days.  We think he might be fighting off a cold?  :(  He's had some boogers and the slightest of a runny nose but the biggest "symptom" is excessive tiredness.  He just seems tired ALL day long!  And took a super long nap yesterday (perhaps why he woke more at night?).  So I put him down early but he's been SUUUPER fussy - it sounded like he went to sleep, but I just heard some crying on the monitor.  It was there for about 10 seconds...and then gone.  Is he crying in his sleep?  Is he still awake?  Is he really sick and he needs something?  He hasn't had a fever...we've been checking every day.

Anyway, I'll be calling the pediatrician, and I'll be sure to ask about the nighttime feedings.  I'll keep you posted.

Something's gotta give

I am going to have to relegate blogging to a once-a-week activity.  At least for now.  With all of my new activities...something's gotta give so I still have time to sleep.  :)

Blogging it is.

Schedules

***I feel I should add the caveat that I realize I'm pretty spoiled to be able to even worry and fuss over this.  7:30am isn't that much earlier, or possibly any earlier, than many working moms must report to work.  And many of them have to work a full 9 hour day.  In fact...I'm feeling like I was acting rather self-entitled to worry over it at all.  I guess it's normal to worry....but I'm definitely regretting the email I sent to my boss.  Sigh.  

To Schedule or Not To Schedule.  Or baby-led schedule.  Or something.

Scheduling is something I've been pondering and struggling with since Wiggles was about 5 weeks old.  As mentioned previously, The Sleep has been elusive in this house.  Things are finally, finally getting better.  And I am ever grateful for the roughly 6 hours a night I get now.  And try very hard not to read about other people's 4 month olds that give them 10-12 hours a night. 

There was a time I read Dr. Weissbluth's book and tried to put Wiggles on his recommended schedule.  Waking at 7am.  Nap at 9am.  etc.  It did NOT work.  Wiggles just was too stubborn.  And at 5, 8, 12 weeks (when I tried it) he was too little for true crying it out.  Which I'm not opposed to...if I can be sure the little guy is old enough and not crying for another reason.  He's finally "old enough".  I have a hard time though worrying he's crying for another reason.  But, at any rate, as he did not adhere to The Schedule, and I was playing stay-at-home-mommy...I just followed Wiggle's cues...such as they were.  And at 16.5 weeks he finally fell into his own schedule.  It's similar to Dr. Weissbluths, except he gets up in the 8-10am window.  And goes to sleep in the 8-10pm window.  So it's just shifted by about 2 hours.

These 2 hours, are kind of critical.  You see, I will be teaching a 7:30am class.  Which means I need to leave the house by 6:45am.  Which means...in order to get myself ready and feed a baby...getting up at 5am.  And means that in order to feed the baby...it'd be helpful if he was awake...right around 6:00am.  Because then I could feed him and then go.  He still usually wakes in the 3-5am window for a feeding.  (I need to ask the pediatrician if I should still be feeding him then, or if I'm cultivating a waking habit...)  So, do we just try to shift his schedule?  Get him to adhere to a more parent-led kind of timing?

But do we dare?  At this point, I am hesitant to do anything to disturb our very recently found sleep.  VERY hesitant.

I mean, my other option, I suppose, would be to pump in the am before leaving, and then go.  But...I feel like I don't get as much pumping as he does direct from the boobie.  And I worry we'll quickly run into a supply issue, with him demanding more than I can pump to keep up with.  I guess we can always try that first and see how it goes?

So then, the only tragedy to this whole mess is that I miss out on some sweet, sweet sleep.  And/or I need to give up my 1-2 hours of wind down time with Mr. Random after putting Wiggles down at night.  Maybe I'll just try to arrange my schedule so I can get an afternoon siesta? 

I started writing this post distressed and confused.  After writing it out - it really gave some clarity.  Which is just what this blog is really for.  *contented sigh*  It really is so much clearer.  Before starting, it seemed like an impossibly tangled mess with no clear solution.  I see now that there are really several viable solutions.

As far as morning feeding, my options are:

1.  Switch Wiggles to an earlier schedule.  *trembles with fear*

2.  Pump instead of directly feeding in the morning, letting Wiggles sleep in and keep his current schedule.

and as far as my desperate attempts at getting sleep, my options are:

1.  Afternoon siesta

2.  Give up evening "fun" time.

Maybe both.  :)

Well, I should have written this up before I emailed my boss in desperation pleading to see if I could switch to a later class.  haha.  I doubt I can, so it's good to see that I should be able to make the early class work.  Even if it isn't particularly ideal.

Lingering Tears

I can't remember if I wrote about this or not.

One day, when Wiggles was just 2 weeks old, I put him in his crib for a nap.  Mr. Random had gone back to work and had urged me to put him in his crib while I went back to my own room to try to get some sleep.  We had a baby monitor, though Mr. Random even suggested turning it off so I could get 2 hours of sleep.  (Wiggles wasn't sleeping.  At all.)

I couldn't comprehend ignoring a BRAND new baby for 2 hours, even for sleep, which, at that point, was critically important for my milk supply - as in my supply was dwindling precariously from utter lack of sleep.  But I did put Wiggles in his crib.  And went back to my own room.

I left the monitor on.  But soon it started making jarring static sounds.  It was incredibly annoying, and in my tired state, reduced me to tears.  I was so frustrated.  Nothing I did could make the static stop.  So I turned the monitor down.  I thought I'd left it loud enough to hear Wiggles when he next started crying.

I was wrong.

I slept.  For nearly 2 hours I slept and it was much needed.  But when I woke in confusion (because I hadn't had such a long un-interrupted session of sleep in over a week) and looked at the monitor (it's a video monitor) what I saw stopped my heart.  Wiggles was flailing frantically.  I couldn't believe it.  The monitor had, in fact, been turned down too far.  I turned it up, incredulous.  Sure the thing had broken and wasn't capable of sound.  It was.  And I heard his pathetic, terrified cry.

I rushed to his room.  He'd been flailing and kicking his legs.  And this caused him to bump his head repeated into a keyboard toy hanging on the side of his crib.  There was a fine layer of his hair left on the toy.  :(  I have no idea how long he cried.  It could have been almost the whole 2 hours.  It's possible it was only 10 minutes.  But I'm guessing it was at least an hour.

And I am still so heartbroken when I think about it.  And I think about it nearly every time I see his keyboard toy.  Poor little guy.

Helloooo Out There!

Guess What!?  It's

And I almost missed it!  So - if you haven't commented before, or even if you have, go ahead and leave a comment!  Say hello, howdy, wassup...whatever you like.  Or I like the idea of telling me something about yourself.

or don't.

But I'd sure enjoy it if you did!

New Chapter

It's a new year and soon we're embarking on our new roles.  While we're both going to be students, I'll have more obligations, so Mr. Random is becoming the house husband and I'm becoming the "bread-winner".  So to speak.

I have mixed feelings about my new role.  Part of me is excited to return to research and teaching and intellectual thought.  Part of me is sad that I won't be seeing Wiggles as much.  But knowing that he'll be in Mr. Random's care makes it all 100% easier.  And I'm fairly confident that after the transition everything will settle down to a pretty nice situation.  Except for the money stress.  But even when it comes to that, I think we'll be okay.  And mostly happy.  Once we know how everything is going to be (there's still some things up in the air) it'll be a lot easier to just bite the bullet, stick to our new budget, and stop worrying about it. 

We've mostly decided to stay where we are, despite the rent increase.  It looks like we might be able to rent a house for about the same as the new rent here, which would be super!  But utilities would likely be more and we can't get a house in this neighborhood.  And we like our neighborhood.  And most of our issues are honestly neighbor issues.  And let's be honest, we could end up with those problems anywhere we go.  :-/  No, it's not ideal here, but ultimately, it's probably the cheapest option that let's us stay in the neighborhood we love.  This way we don't have to pay the extra deposits and moving costs of getting into a new place.  Better the evil you know, right?

Irony...

So, adding to the stress of our financial finagling is figuring out health insurance.  Yes, the dreaded beast.  My insurance is paid for through my school.  (yay!).  Mr. Random will have to buy his through his school ($1000 for the semester...which isn't TOO bad when you look at the cost per month).  And then we have to buy some for Wiggles.  He was on Mr. Random's.  Now he'll be on mine (cheaper than thru Mr. Random's school).

We knew this was going to be one of the expenses of going this route - and so it was in my financial calculations for how everything would work out.  I went on my school's website and looked up how much it would cost for the semester (which covers summer too) and found it was roughly $1400.  Ouch.  But okay.  I added it into the budget and moved on.

Fast forward to this past week when I tried to add him to my policy.  First, the website wouldn't let me register.  I finally called for assistance, and that person...well, was not helpful in the end.  I was supposed to get a call back when they fixed whatever issue, but in my experience, whenever they say they'll "call back" they won't.

So I called back the next day and said I just wanted to add him over the phone.  Turns out you can't.  Can't add him in person either.  My choices were over the internet, or by mail.  Problem with this was that for him to have continuous coverage I needed to add him THIS week.  Yeah...my bad putting it off, but it takes a bit of work to come up with the $1400.  Which I have to pay upfront.

Turns out, it's not $1400.  It's $2400.  Great.  Now I need another $1000...in less than a week.  We have about enough in our meager savings - and that's what we're going to have to do, is wipe that out.  The irony is, that when I did the financial calculations, I was basically pretending that we'd pay the premium out of the money we will be getting for the semester - in student loans and my stipend.  And then did all the math, less the cost of health insurance, taxes, and what nots to give us a monthly "income" to budget from.

Now, with the extra $1000, I needed to re-work my math.  So I went back.  And it turns out...I'd fudged the numbers the first time (I often do as a sort of "buffer").  I always fudge them so that we think we'll have slightly less than we actually will.  When I went back I used the actual numbers - no fudging, because I wanted a clear picture.  Turns out when I'd fudged I'd managed to pretend we didn't have about $1000 dollars.  Our monthly amount is exactly the same when I use the real numbers, with the new insurance amount.

That, my friends, is ironic.  And possibly Providence.  I take it as a sign that it'll all work out somehow.