So, the issue we have is this: it looks like we're lucky enough to be having a baby. Good! :)
We still don't have a relationship with OldestSister. (not so good!) She's sent Mr. Random a Christmas present the past 2 years but they're clearly addressed to him. She's facebook friends with him, but not me, which is fine. She'll chat with him on facebook, but basically doesn't acknowledge me or my presence in his life. When she sends Christmas cards the message is usually something to the effect that she loves him and always will...and will be there for him...you know...when he comes to his senses or this foolish marriage idea falls apart. Which is awfully nice....(sense the sarcasm with the last sentence there? it's dripping...positively dripping)
Now, Mr. Random thinks that when she hears our news (which she probably did from Papa Random the other day) that she'll want to spend time with Junior Random. I have a problem with this. I don't feel I'm being catty.
My problem is that I don't feel she can have a relationship with Junior, until she has one with me. Well, both of us really. Why? Well, when I was younger I was left in the care of my grandmother - my dad's mom. I love her, don't get me wrong, but she would say some pretty rude and mean things about my mom. It was quite clear that she didn't think my mom was "good enough", much as OldestSister, I'm sure, doesn't think I'm good enough for Mr. Random. This was an awful position to be in as a kid. I would try to defend my mother, and get made fun of. Honestly, it would just make her worse. Grandmother dearest would just try to find that many more shortcomings or reasons why SHE was better or the way she did things was better or whatever. Basically, it felt like she couldn't do enough to show that my mom was inferior.
What a thing to do to a kid!
And after reading the previous post, do you have any doubt that OldestSister would not do something similar given the opportunity? I don't ever want to put my kids in that situation. Which means, until you can show me that you can have a sincere, positive relationship with BOTH Mr. Random and myself, you can't have a relationship with our kids!
Am I being unreasonable here?
I'm not saying she can't ever see us or the baby. She'd have to to start that whole positive relationship thing. But we feel like it's unreasonable to expect us to come visit so she can specially see the baby. And a bit unreasonable if we're expected to open our home for her to visit, now that we have a baby. I mean, if she couldn't make the effort before.....?
But then I worry that I should give her a chance. I dunno. Basically, if she comes to family events (as if Mr. Random's family has any any more...it's sad) but if she does, supposing one happens, that's fine, she can see the kid. I'm sure I'll be cringing the whole time she holds them though. And she's going to love every minute of that. But it seems a bit extreme to say she can't hold the kid when we'll likely let everyone else there do so.
Ugh. I just feel like she'll use the kid to egg things further. And I DO NOT want our child used in that way. That's all.
Another point I should have made previously was that after all of the fiasco with our wedding, Papa Random thought WE should apologize to her...you know...for our behavior. He informed us sadly that she was very hurt.
I wish I'd had more courage and said that to his face. I did not. Neither did Mr. Random. If memory serves, we stared at him in shock.
So I also fear that Papa Random is going to see nothing wrong with the situation and be very encouraging of whatever OldestSister wants...regardless of what makes real sense.