So, the issue we have is this: it looks like we're lucky enough to be having a baby. Good! :)
We still don't have a relationship with OldestSister. (not so good!) She's sent Mr. Random a Christmas present the past 2 years but they're clearly addressed to him. She's facebook friends with him, but not me, which is fine. She'll chat with him on facebook, but basically doesn't acknowledge me or my presence in his life. When she sends Christmas cards the message is usually something to the effect that she loves him and always will...and will be there for him...you know...when he comes to his senses or this foolish marriage idea falls apart. Which is awfully nice....(sense the sarcasm with the last sentence there? it's dripping...positively dripping)
Now, Mr. Random thinks that when she hears our news (which she probably did from Papa Random the other day) that she'll want to spend time with Junior Random. I have a problem with this. I don't feel I'm being catty.
My problem is that I don't feel she can have a relationship with Junior, until she has one with me. Well, both of us really. Why? Well, when I was younger I was left in the care of my grandmother - my dad's mom. I love her, don't get me wrong, but she would say some pretty rude and mean things about my mom. It was quite clear that she didn't think my mom was "good enough", much as OldestSister, I'm sure, doesn't think I'm good enough for Mr. Random. This was an awful position to be in as a kid. I would try to defend my mother, and get made fun of. Honestly, it would just make her worse. Grandmother dearest would just try to find that many more shortcomings or reasons why SHE was better or the way she did things was better or whatever. Basically, it felt like she couldn't do enough to show that my mom was inferior.
What a thing to do to a kid!
And after reading the previous post, do you have any doubt that OldestSister would not do something similar given the opportunity? I don't ever want to put my kids in that situation. Which means, until you can show me that you can have a sincere, positive relationship with BOTH Mr. Random and myself, you can't have a relationship with our kids!
Am I being unreasonable here?
I'm not saying she can't ever see us or the baby. She'd have to to start that whole positive relationship thing. But we feel like it's unreasonable to expect us to come visit so she can specially see the baby. And a bit unreasonable if we're expected to open our home for her to visit, now that we have a baby. I mean, if she couldn't make the effort before.....?
But then I worry that I should give her a chance. I dunno. Basically, if she comes to family events (as if Mr. Random's family has any any more...it's sad) but if she does, supposing one happens, that's fine, she can see the kid. I'm sure I'll be cringing the whole time she holds them though. And she's going to love every minute of that. But it seems a bit extreme to say she can't hold the kid when we'll likely let everyone else there do so.
Ugh. I just feel like she'll use the kid to egg things further. And I DO NOT want our child used in that way. That's all.
Another point I should have made previously was that after all of the fiasco with our wedding, Papa Random thought WE should apologize to her...you know...for our behavior. He informed us sadly that she was very hurt.
Excuse me?
I wish I'd had more courage and said that to his face. I did not. Neither did Mr. Random. If memory serves, we stared at him in shock.
So I also fear that Papa Random is going to see nothing wrong with the situation and be very encouraging of whatever OldestSister wants...regardless of what makes real sense.
It's probably my bedrest-brain not reading correctly, but I don't see the previous post about your SIL?
ReplyDeleteBut here's my assvice, based on what you typed here. I am all for setting boundaries with families members who are destructive. You don't need that, your child doesn't need that. HOWEVER. I also think as parents we have to be careful about not letting our personal hurt get in the way of their relationships with extended family.
I think Mr. Random should tell SIL that she is more than welcome to come over and visit your child. This way you will be there, she will not have the opportunity to bad-mouth you, which I agree is immediately a deal breaker for having any visits. As best as you can, hide your annoyance with her and smile brightly as your son has a nice moment with his aunt. Think about rainbows and unicorns or punching her in the face or something.
It's not your job to bring your child to her, nor bend to whatever else she wants. But I think it's nice for everyone else involved if you let her visit briefly when it's convenient for you.
How does Mr. Random deal with this? Has he addressed this issue with his sister? I always make it a policy to always let my man deal with his family for me. After all, his family has more respect for his ideas usually. Also, I do not expect my man to have to deal directly with my family when there are sticky issues.
ReplyDeleteThe reason I'm saying this, is that if I were in your position, I would make Mr. Random nicely but firmly say that he appreciates that his sister loves him, but that to truly be involved in HIS life and wish for HIS personal happiness, that she needs to get along with me (yourself). This shouldn't be something where you need to convince her that she needs to like you, your hubby needs to lay down how it is, for the good of your entire family.
Perhaps he's tried already I dunno, but it sounds like his sister still cares a great deal and is holding a needless grudge, perhaps because she thinks that she can and get away with it? Just an idea.