Right then

So, the post on 2/24 wasn't supposed to go up...I had written a 3 part series outlining my dealing with the in-laws but hadn't decided if I wanted to post it...this was back in January. So I just put the publish date to sometime later in the future to decide. Then deleted apparently 2 of the 3 and then forgot about that one. And here we are. So that was probably confusing! One of those outlined the fiasco at the wedding, which truly was a fiasco.

I'll just say, thanks for your comments! And, it's not the bed-rest induced brain, it's my baby-brain and sudden spurt of intense business at school that's caused that post to go up without context.

And, Mr. Random has indeed attempted to tell his sister how he feels and how he is married to me and that she needs to get over it and get to know me. He wrote her a letter even. She responded in a rather condescending and nasty way. And here we are today. His opinion is that he put up with 23 years of her crap, and he's over it now. She's not changed in those 23 years, he doesn't anticipate she'll change in the next 23. (I have hopes she could, but that makes me overly optimistic in his book) :) Good advice about letting her visit - the only issue being we live over 1000 miles away. I assume we'd have to let her stay with us. That seems more than awkward. But something to think about for sure.

Previously...

...on this blog. Well, for the back story that explains why I'm about to say what I say, you have to read the post from yesterday.

So, the issue we have is this: it looks like we're lucky enough to be having a baby. Good! :)

We still don't have a relationship with OldestSister. (not so good!) She's sent Mr. Random a Christmas present the past 2 years but they're clearly addressed to him. She's facebook friends with him, but not me, which is fine. She'll chat with him on facebook, but basically doesn't acknowledge me or my presence in his life. When she sends Christmas cards the message is usually something to the effect that she loves him and always will...and will be there for him...you know...when he comes to his senses or this foolish marriage idea falls apart. Which is awfully nice....(sense the sarcasm with the last sentence there? it's dripping...positively dripping)

Now, Mr. Random thinks that when she hears our news (which she probably did from Papa Random the other day) that she'll want to spend time with Junior Random. I have a problem with this. I don't feel I'm being catty.

My problem is that I don't feel she can have a relationship with Junior, until she has one with me. Well, both of us really. Why? Well, when I was younger I was left in the care of my grandmother - my dad's mom. I love her, don't get me wrong, but she would say some pretty rude and mean things about my mom. It was quite clear that she didn't think my mom was "good enough", much as OldestSister, I'm sure, doesn't think I'm good enough for Mr. Random. This was an awful position to be in as a kid. I would try to defend my mother, and get made fun of. Honestly, it would just make her worse. Grandmother dearest would just try to find that many more shortcomings or reasons why SHE was better or the way she did things was better or whatever. Basically, it felt like she couldn't do enough to show that my mom was inferior.

What a thing to do to a kid!

And after reading the previous post, do you have any doubt that OldestSister would not do something similar given the opportunity? I don't ever want to put my kids in that situation. Which means, until you can show me that you can have a sincere, positive relationship with BOTH Mr. Random and myself, you can't have a relationship with our kids!

Am I being unreasonable here?

I'm not saying she can't ever see us or the baby. She'd have to to start that whole positive relationship thing. But we feel like it's unreasonable to expect us to come visit so she can specially see the baby. And a bit unreasonable if we're expected to open our home for her to visit, now that we have a baby. I mean, if she couldn't make the effort before.....?

But then I worry that I should give her a chance. I dunno. Basically, if she comes to family events (as if Mr. Random's family has any any more...it's sad) but if she does, supposing one happens, that's fine, she can see the kid. I'm sure I'll be cringing the whole time she holds them though. And she's going to love every minute of that. But it seems a bit extreme to say she can't hold the kid when we'll likely let everyone else there do so.

Ugh. I just feel like she'll use the kid to egg things further. And I DO NOT want our child used in that way. That's all.

Another point I should have made previously was that after all of the fiasco with our wedding, Papa Random thought WE should apologize to her...you know...for our behavior. He informed us sadly that she was very hurt.

Excuse me?

I wish I'd had more courage and said that to his face. I did not. Neither did Mr. Random. If memory serves, we stared at him in shock.

So I also fear that Papa Random is going to see nothing wrong with the situation and be very encouraging of whatever OldestSister wants...regardless of what makes real sense.

Virtual Baby Shower

The Happy Scientist is throwing a virtual baby shower for ScienceGirl! You can still get in on this if you want...just go here to see the plan.

I've been to very few baby showers so far, actually. But I seem to recall an activity where little slips of paper were passed around and everyone wrote some words of wisdom or advice on their slip, then put them in a jar where the mom-to-be pulled them out and read them out loud.

Consider this a collection of those slips:

***Whatever Works is Right***

***When you're exhausted and up at 2 am feeding the baby...remember that there are hundreds of other mothers doing the exact same thing, at the same time as you...you're not alone***

***Don't be afraid to ask for help!***

***try to find time every day just for you***

***sleep any chance you get!***

***just because your spouse parents differently, doesn't mean it's wrong...give each other the chance to make mistakes and learn free from judgement***

***take pictures every day! they grow too fast!***

Happy Baby Shower ScienceGirl!

Questionable Qualifications

***disclaimer: I don't really think I'll be a "bad mother" - if I did I'd probably be looking into adoption options for my baby...but the following is pretty much true

Signs that I may be a bad mother (or at least will struggle a lot with my newborn).

Last night, would be a good example.

Mr. Random and I usually try to head to bed by 9:30 so we're IN bed by 9:45 and falling asleep by 10 or so...this is because we get up at 5:45 am...which comes DARN early! And I pretty much need sleep to function. Right, so last night, my younger sister, who we'll call Sister Pooh-head for this post, calls at 10:30. It was just the exact wrong time for whatever sleep cycle I was in. My phone is across the room charging...and ringing. And I have no idea how long it rang before it slowly roused me from sleep. But I was confused. I couldn't figure out what the noise was at first, but I hated it. It needed to stop. As I come up a little more from the depths of my coma sleep I realize it's my phone, but think I somehow set an alarm that was going off - I really thought it was sometime in the middle of morning...not a half an hour after falling asleep.

I get up drag myself across the floor toward the phone, and look at it - still quite groggy and a little confused. I see Sister Pooh-head across the front. I answer it, because it's very likely that if she was dying in a ditch, she'd be calling me at 3am, not 911. But I answer it, like this:

Banshee: "IS IT IMPORTANT!?" (cave-woman groan...) and hear nothing.

"Hello?......" Nothing.

"Is this important!????" I want to say, or can it wait...but that takes too much effort.

Sister Pooh-head (brightly, kind of like a valley girl): "oh, Hello!?"

B""Is it Important?!?...."

SPH:"oh.....did I wake you up? I'm sorry!"

B:"yeah...I don't know...I went to bed like...an hour ago...what time is it?!?"

SPH:"oh, okay, I'm sorry, go back to bed! I love you good night!"

B: mumbles..."yeah, k, love you too, bye..."

THEN. This is the part that sends warning bells. I get ANGRY. I notice the time and that it's only 10:30, which I guess is almost a reasonable time to call, but somehow that pisses me off more...so I climb back into bed and I'm wrestling with the damn top sheet that got twisted as I fell/drug myself out of bed to get the phone, and I'm trying to get comfortable and my pajama pants are twisted and all the while I'm cussing out my sister for being so damn inconsiderate and how she wants to come visit and drag her boyfriend we've never met with her and she calls at f***ing 10:30 on a THURSDAY night to tell me she wants to come the following weekend (my mom had told me she had this plan, but it was the first I'd heard of it) and rah, rah, rah. Angry.

Then, just as I get comfortable, I realize I have to pee. Back out of bed, more cursing, more anger, rah, rah rah.

Back in bed. Ah.....and asleep.

For about an hour...when I wake up to pee, AGAIN.

And then 2 more hours, when I wake up, yet again, to pee some more. What is this? It's like her call set me up for a night of failure! The most I've had to get up before is 2 times, and now we're just to 2 am and I've been up 3 times! Ughhh!

Which thankfully was the last time until the alarm went off at 5:45...and it felt like someone had hit me over the head with a stack of bricks while I'd been sleeping.

And I realized as the cats were begging for food and I was generally annoyed that when I'm tired, I have NO patience. NONE whatsoever. And I tend to get angry. Which bodes well for the tiny human I'm growing who will probably wake me far more than just 3 times a night for the first weeks months does it ever end? of it's life.

Good times. Things to be aware of for sure. Hopefully I'll find more patience between now and August. :) Or learn to just be tired and not angry...

OB Appt #3

I had an OB appointment today. No ultrasound but was promised they would try for heart tones. And try they did. But alas...we couldn't hear the little one's fluttering heart over my own...and my gurgling stomach.

The doc did find it on the doppler - it was picked up at 140 bpm, but we just couldn't hear it. A little disappointing, but as long as she saw there's still a little tiny heart beating away, I'm happy.

Mr. Random had to work today, so I took the day to go clothes shopping. Maternity clothes shopping. And it was as if there was a conspiracy against me getting anything at all!

Before the appointment I'd found some coupons for Old Navy...so I figured I'd go there and Target thinking I could hit up the clearance for good deals. Now...the nearest Old Navy I knew of was on my way back home, about 30 minutes from my appointment. Basically half-way across town. Which was fine, as I said, on my way home. We'll get to why this will become a problem in a moment.

First, I went to Target since I'd seen a bit of the other store's selection online and had an idea about their prices. The ONLY pair of pants close to my size (1 size too big still) on the clearance rack were a pair of jeans, with a funky cinched elastic waist. Fine, I thought. They're only $7, it's worth trying on. They had a tapered leg! Excuse me? I think tapered legs are hideous to begin with. You're trying to tell me that when I'm growing HUGE on top, this will be flattering? Are we trying to make me look more top-heavy than nature will do alone? Horrifying. And I looked at the shirts but they all looked like I'd swim in them even the day I was ready to give birth...maybe I'm wrong, but they just looked too huge. And weren't cute at all.

So on to Old Navy. Turns out...the one I went to, did not carry maternity in store. Ah. Great. I asked to be sure and was told that the nearest store that did...was about a mile from where my appointment had been. Ahhhhhhh! I had no idea there was one out there.

I was not about to drive all the way back, so I went home instead. Well, I started for home, and then detoured to WalMart. I'm not a fan, exactly, but thought it was worth a shot. Well, the WalMart by my house is a smallerish one...and alas, they too lacked a maternity section. It was like the stars had aligned against me.

Defeated, but not completely giving up, I went home. And then ordered 1 pair of jeans, 1 pair of khakis, and 2 very highly rated nursing tops from OldNavy.com. It cost more than I had wanted, but all were on sale, I got free shipping, and $10 off the total purchase. I'm convinced it was a good deal. Well, I'm trying to convince myself and perhaps by telling you that it's a good deal I'll believe it too. $70 is a lot of money for only 4 articles of clothing. Mr. Random said I'd better wear all of it EVERY DAY. I thought wearing 2 pairs of pants together with 2 shirts every day seemed a little silly...so we'll see if he insists. :)

In other news, I've added one of those silly tickers. I think they're cute...and I like that it'll help me keep track of what week and day I am.

Mixed Grab Bag

I've been falling behind on my frequent updates! Life gets busy and blogs get neglected I guess.

I've had about 3 different ideas for blog posts...but just haven't sat down to write them out. So instead, I think I'll just make a grab bag post that includes brief snippets about all the random things I've been thinking lately.

I just found out this morning that one of my fellow students (she's in a different department, but at the same school) is ALSO expecting a baby! I don't know any details beyond that but am dying of curiosity. I'd been wondering if she wasn't just because I'm weird like that but I also happened to know that she and her husband were "seeing what would happen" for about 6ish months, depending on when she's due. Which I DON'T know yet! But, my guess is she's probably a week or 2 ahead of me...

I haven't told any grad school friends yet. And oddly, I'm really glad. I'm probably meeting with this student later to chat - we're friendly but not best friends so it's been awhile - and I have no plans to tell her my news. I just want to let her be ecstatic and have some sick twisted satisfaction knowing that when we do announce more broadly she'll be all, what the hell!? But then probably glad that I didn't try to share her limelight. Is that weird?

****

One of my best good friends is having some marital troubles. They're not anything new and I don't think they'll be marriage-ending for this couple, but they are somewhat serious. The fact that they keep coming up shows they're a real problem for the wife and that nothing's being addressed. She talked to me recently about it and I tried my best to be helpful and insightful...but the trouble is what I think the true root of the problem is, is something I don't feel I can say without damaging our friendship. I'm not sure how best to approach that. The other issue is, that the friend usually concludes that if only the husband will fix his issues, she'll be happier. I have tried to counter this logic because I disagree philosophically, but it has not changed her conclusion over the few years it's been coming up. So what is the root of the problem? Truthfully, I think it's a lack of respect. And maybe I should tell her. She doesn't respect her husband as an equal. But you know...she knows that! She knows she doesn't respect him...but she thinks it's up to him to man up, change, and become someone she can respect. Also, she feels that she's spent the past x years of their marriage "fixing" him and his problems, and she's tired of it.

This is just all so philosophically different from how I approach my own marriage, I'm kind of at a loss to help her. I do not believe you can "fix" someone. I also do not believe you should marry with the intent to "fix" someone. So, my marriage advice to my unborn baby is this:

Marry/Life Partner with someone you Respect. As an equal. And someone you respect today - not someone you see the potential to respect in the future after some "fixing". Because...you can't "fix" people. People will change, but you do not control how.

That is all.

Love is important too of course, but Respect. It's critical. **stepping off soap box**

****

I feel ridiculous, because I'm only 11 weeks this week, but my clothes are getting TIGHT! It seems too early for me to be showing, but I look down and there it is. An unmistakable bump. It probably looks like pudge to anyone who doesn't know, but it's not! Well, there's a bit over it sure, but it's mostly a baby bump! What is this? I thought first time pregnant women didn't show until AFTER 12 weeks! AND. Heartburn? Already? 3 times this has happened in the past week...3 times...and I pretty much NEVER got it before. Isn't that supposed to come later too? I can't complain too much as I've gotten off pretty much scott free in the vomiting category...well, not pretty much, I HAVE gotten off with 0 vomiting so far. But, still...I feel like I'm making it up...but the fact is, I can't wear one pair of jeans already. Not buttoned anyway. Maybe it's because I'm short? I read somewhere that short women show more...and most of my diminutive height is my legs! I have a short torso even for my short body...I'm ready to believe that's a factor.

Starting to share the news

***Note: this post was originally written after my 8 week appt at the end of January - I had a lot more irrelevant stuff about the in-laws that I was debating leaving or taking out. I took it out. But that's why it's showing up 2 weeks later. I will probably get into the issues with the in-laws later...because I'll be happy to hear outside opinions on the matter.***

So, after our appointment, we celebrated by going to lunch at Red Robin. It's been awhile since we've been there, but we love it! And we even got a mud pie to top it all off. Yummmm.

And, we started calling and telling more of our family. Mr. Random called his sister first. But she didn't answer. So then he called his mother, who's response was "oh cool." He thought it was kind of weird. She wound up calling later in the day to tell him that she really is excited for us, she was just so stunned earlier she didn't know what to say. All of his family would wind up saying they thought the sister would be sharing such news before us...but I guess they also thought we'd wait until I'd graduated and started my job before we'd try...which was never the plan, so that's that. And then he called his dad. He'd been dreading this call.

I don't believe I've ranted about my in-laws, bless them. :) I do like my in-laws, but Mr. Random's family are 5 of the most stubborn AND petty people I know. Baaddddd combination folks. The important part to explain why he dreaded calling his dad is that his dad often lectures him (I see it as his way of showing he cares...Mr. Random sees it as very negative...and really just wants Papa Random's approval - it's so frustrating). Anyway, Papa Random has lectured Mr. Random at each milestone. He thought we were too young when we married and that Mr. Random should have dated around more and traveled before settling down. And when we bought our house he was very negative...because we needed to travel more and not settle down so young. (smart man on that, very smart man.) ANYWAY, Mr. Random really didn't want another lecture about how we're too young and moving too fast.

But Papa Random surprised us. He was one of our more excited recipients of the news! His response: All right! He was genuinely excited and no lecture materialized. :) Yay! We found out he'd been after Mr. Random's sister for some time to get on the baby-making train, so I guess he was just happy to be becoming a grandpa, regardless of who was giving him the grandbaby.

Broken Hearts Suck

I teach a lab. It's an intro lab, and the way it's set up it meets once a week, there's no final, but weekly quizzes. Which means, if you miss 2 or more labs w/o making them up, you're out. That's it. I drop you. No sympathy. No second chances (you already had 2 with the 2 misses) no sob story will save you. Even if your second miss is the second to last week of the semester (happened last semester). Yup, I'm a hard-ass. Or learning to be.

But it really sucks!

Take today for example. Today was week 3, thus lab 3. A nice enough looking young girl comes in late, during the quiz. She sits down and I think she doesn't look familiar......but am trying to figure out (still learning the kiddos) when she whispers that she wasn't here last week (due to the holiday, labs 1 and 2 were taught last week together - they're short). I inform her that then she was dropped. (I dropped those who did not come the first week...they had missed their 2, unfortunately for them). We check my roster - yup, dropped. We chat a little and I tell her that there's nothing to do for it. She missed 2 labs. She insists she only missed one. I explain the deal with the holiday throwing things off, and that she did, in fact, miss 2. Which means she cannot join now. She insists she didn't know. Yeah......but that doesn't change the rule. She tells me that she needs this class. (amazing how they always do, this is the ONE class that will ruin their lives if they can't take it RIGHT NOW) I tell her I can't do anything, but she should stay in the lecture and take the lab next semester. Well, she can't do that...she wants to transfer next semester. (that is AMAZINGLY common for the folk who are trying to get in late...I just don't understand it) I tell her, finally, that she can go talk to my supervisor about her other options, but she cannot join my class.

I feel pretty good that I handled it well. Kindly but firmly.

Apparently not firm enough.

She came back 1o minutes later. This time lab was in full swing, so we stepped into the prep room. Where she informed me that her Grandma had died last week, that's why she hadn't contacted me. (the poor Grandma's of the world! they do have such ODD timing, don't they?) And that my supervisor had said it was UP TO ME if she could take the class or not. Oh, mercy me. Thanks Supervisor. I tell her it can't be done. She's missed the 2 classes, the policy is clear. She pleads. There are tears in her eyes. I feel like a Royal Ass. She wants to know if I can find it in my heart...she'll do anything! All the homework (there is none) - make up any of the labs (that's impossible, they're already over, make-ups can only happen the week of) ANYTHING!!!!! Sigh. So, like a Royal Ass, I told her I couldn't do it. I had to be consistent and as I'd dropped someone at the END of last semester for missing 2, I couldn't let her join the class late after missing 2. She walked, oh so sadly away.

And I truly felt like shit. But then...I started thinking about it. Really? How can she put ME in that position? Making me feel like a terrible person...when she really needed to be more responsible. And after missing 2 labs the best she could get was a D. And that's if she did the rest perfectly. And seriously? There's a strict policy for a reason. If I let every Sally Sob-Story slide past that...I'm going to spend all my time fielding sob stories. It'd be a 3 ring circus. But I still felt bad.

Then. Later, at the end of lab, another student who hadn't looked familiar...wanted to know how he could make up the first 2 labs. Oh schnikey. You mean to say you haven't been here before? And you just did this whole lab and NOW you ask me? Oy vey.

I didn't add him either. He was pretty pissed. I felt a little bad.

But now I'm just feeling proud that I stood up for myself and the policy. I used to be such a push-over and it always created more work, headaches, and problems for me in the end.

What's that you say? What if it was my kid? Well, if it was my kid, I'd hope that they'd figured out by now how to be responsible. And show up on the first day of class. And contact the instructor if for some reason that's really not possible. Not show up 3 weeks in expecting to be accommodated. Because really? That's not fair to the 99% of the class that's been showing up and following the rules. And I'm all about following the rules.