Feeling Petty

and I don't like it.

I am 27 years old.  I've been married for nearly 5 years.  I bought a house.  I lost that house - primarily due to my husband (the bread-winner as it were) losing his job.  I just had my first baby, and we all three live in an apartment, that is pretty nice, but no house.  And is half the size our house was, so we gave away a lot of things and are pretty cramped here with the rest.  Most of the time, I still feel very lucky and happy with our situation.  We can still have some nice things, buy healthy food in enough quantity that we're never hungry, and we've been able to take some pretty great vacations.

But every now and then...I feel envious of others my age.  Especially those that waited until after the housing bubble burst and are just now purchasing their first homes.  For a LOT less than we bought our house for.  And with a much greater income.  They're just in such a better situation financially.  And it feels like a little stab to the heart.  I want to be happy for them, but there's always a little bitterness too.  

And then...there's my cousin.  She's 21.  She's married, for just over 1 year.  She has no college education, neither does her husband.  They're expecting their first baby.  And they're, apparently, attempting to buy their first house.  This particular situation strikes my heart a bit stronger than the others.  For several reasons.  For one thing, they're so much younger.  For another, they are not as well educated as my husband or I, and consequently work very entry-level jobs.  My cousin works at a fast food restaurant and the husband works at a big box store as a sales guy.  And, apparently, she's still on her parent's medical insurance.

So, my first thought is How?!  How on EARTH can they afford a house?  My next thought is that they're getting help from their parents.  And this frustrates the hell out of me.  And then that frustrates me because I feel like I ought to just be happy for them.  But I mean, come on!  Mr. Random and I have been on our own financially since we got married.  Before we got married even.  When we were about their age.  Since then we moved 1000 miles from home, we rented apartments, bought our cars, bought our house, lost our house, and are now taking a boatload of student loans to live off of.  All on our own.  We pay our own medical insurance, car insurance, life insurance, renter's insurance.  All our own bills.  And...honestly, that's as it should be!  I feel that if you're mature enough to marry, you should be mature enough to provide for yourselves financially.  I realize these are hard economic times (I DO, first hand, believe me!) but that doesn't change the fact that you should be buying your own insurance and paying your own bills.  And especially if you're having a baby, you should be financially independent first!  

I guess it doesn't always work that way, and if you're parents can help you out...well, why not, right?  I guess I just feel frustrated that we tried so hard to do it all on our own - and had it blow up in our faces due to circumstance beyond our control (some of it was within our control, but ultimately a lot of it wasn't) and it feels like other people, like my cousin, aren't even trying to do it on their own.  And they're better off for it!  It just seems like it shouldn't work that way.  

Twice on Tuesday

I have good news.  Something "clicked" or "switched" in my brain and I'm out of the funk I was in for the last several weeks.  I was doing a lot of thinking and soul searching over the weekend and I remember having an epiphany conversation with myself in my head...but don't remember what the epiphany was!  All I know is that after that - the world seemed a little brighter and life seemed a little more manageable.  I think it's too soon to say I'm out of the woods completely, but I'm definitely feeling a lot better.  And I'm so glad for it.  And thankful!  Though I would like to remember what the epiphany was!  And, while my attitude and mindset is 100% better, my productivity....is not much increased as of yet.  But now it's not for lack of motivation...it's because I enjoy spending Wiggle's waking hours with him...and he's been more awake lately.  We need to get back to long naps Little Buddy!  20 minute naps don't afford much productivity.

So, in the vein of improved mental state, I want to start a Twice on Tuesday as a regular post.  I'm stealing the idea from Aisha's Three Beautiful Things Thursday's.  (hope you don't mind!)  But I've definitely found in the past that taking the time to note something good or positive in my life helps me feel more good or positive about life, so I want to start making the effort regularly.  So every Tuesday I'll count my blessings twice by thinking about them and then also posting them here...thus...Twice on Tuesday.

1.  I love the view from our apartment balcony.  It looks out over a courtyard that has green grass and green leafy trees whose canopies is right at our balcony level.  It makes it feel like we live in a treehouse when I look out the big glass door.  I love it!

2.  While the constant sun gets a bit monotonous...I am also thankful to live in such a cheery, bright environment.  I <3 light!

3.  Wiggles may not be napping very well, but he's doing a very good job at sleeping during the night now.  And I am so, so, so, so thankful for it.  And I'm doing better at going to bed at a reasonable hour - my milk supply wasn't keeping up with the short nights, so it's necessary.

4.  I'm so thankful for a wonderful partner.  Mr. Random is a good husband and a good father and I'm so glad to have someone I can trust completely with Wiggles by my side.

5.  And finally, I'm glad that Dodge Vipers still make me giddy as a school girl.  I saw one while driving into school today and just about had to fan myself.  I don't know what it is but they get my heart racing!!  So thank goodness for Dodge Vipers.  :)

Morose

So I just had a big exam and in truth, I did not prepare for it very well.  I really didn't.  I only read about half of the papers I should have and half-assed my reading of many of the ones I did actually "read".  I barely prepped for the exam.  It's a 2 parter - this exam - and I just did the written part.  The oral part is coming up in 2 weeks.  Advisor has given me some feedback on the written part and the general consensus is that I passed...but it was a low pass.

And I feel morose.

Mr. Random is kind of annoyed by this - his points out that considering my amount of prep work, a pass at all is a good thing.  He has a point.  So why am I so morose?  Is it because I didn't pass with my usual Gold Star Standard?  Maybe.  But I'm also a bit concerned at why I was so unmotivated to prep.  And why I continue to be fairly unmotivated.  Am I just overwhelmed?  Or is this postpartum depression?  Or something else entirely?

I'm not sure...but I've been in this funk for about a week at least....maybe longer but I've really noticed it the past several days.  If it doesn't end soon I'm going to have to go talk to someone...

Ours to Borrow

I've been thinking a lot lately about children and parenting and how it all fits together.  I think one of the easiest mistakes to make as a parent is assuming that your child is yours to keep, when, in fact, they are only ours to borrow.  And for such a short time.  I feel like there's more there and it's a good idea, but it hasn't fully developed yet so that's all I'll say for now.  My memory isn't what it was so I wanted to jot that bit down before I forgot!

This upcoming week I'll be partaking in a right of passage known as Comprehensive Exams.  I'm pretty sure most PhD programs have something similar...but I could be wrong about that.  It's a major milestone in the program and kind of a big deal.  I've been "preparing" for it since January.  Or...at least that's the theory.  I've had all kinds of papers to read and thoughts to think in preparation...but honestly...I've probably only done half of what was "assigned" or "recommended".  Ugh.  I'm just not as motivated as I need to be.  I feel tired all the time and am a pretty slow reader, so the huge stack of papers to read has been rather burdensome.  And now it's crunch time.  The weekend before the exam - probably time to at least attempt to read some of the half that are unread.  And I feel blah about it.  It's not despair really.  Not stress or anxiety exactly.  More just...tired.  Really, really tired.  And so here I am blogging instead.  Sigh.

Back to the reading!

So Tired

I have developed a bad habit.  A bad habit of staying up way too late and going to bed between 11pm and 12am.  Sometimes even later.  And it's starting to wear on me.

How does this happen?  Well, once we get Wiggles down for the night (usually by 8-8:30pm) then it's like we've been given a golden ticket.  Both Mr. Random and I feel like those hours after he's down are our most productive.  We don't have to operate in 2-3 hour intervals around Wiggles' schedule.  We can just DO whatever it is we've been wanting to do.  Most often it's homework.  But sometimes it's watching a movie together or cleaning or I don't even know what!  But every night I start out with the intention of going to bed by 9:30pm and every night I am surprised to look at the clock and see it's already 11pm.

Does this happen to anyone else?  And you'd think this would help me have more time for things...but it doesn't seem to.  And it sure makes it difficult to get up with Wiggles in the morning...

Confession Time, and Other Updates

I feel I must just finally 'fess up and admit it: I love gossip.  I love reading it.  I love partaking in it.  I just enjoy it. And yet...the whole time I feel like I shouldn't be enjoying it so much.  I mean - gossiping isn't really an admirable activity and being a gossip is definitely not an admirable trait.  And yet - it's one of mine.  For a long time I felt like I should work on improving this disagreeable feature of myself.

But you know what?  I think I'm done with that.

I'm not such a horrible gossip that no one can trust me.  I can keep my mouth shut when it needs to be.  And truthfully, I really just read celebrity gossip or gossip with my 2 closest girl-friends.  That's pretty normal, right?

***

Wiggles is sleeping really reasonably well at this point.  Maybe once a week now we have a midnight waking that we listen to him cry for, but mostly he makes it from bedtime to at least 4:30am.  *knock on wood!*  Tonight is his first night sleeping in his crib - up until now he was sleeping in his co-sleeper bed in his room.  And this graduation breaks my heart a little!  Not as much as when we moved him from our room to his, but it's still a little sad.  I still miss sleeping with him near me...well, I do and I don't.  I don't miss the frequent waking due to his noisy sleep habits...but I miss having him so close and being able to listen to him breathe.

***

While sleeping is going reasonably well, eating is still a pickle.  He's gotten rather fussy both from the bottle and the breast and I wonder if it's due to my diet.  I'm eating whatever I want again, including dairy.  And it's totally selfish, but the thought of going back on the restricted diet is just too much.  I may have to - we'll see what his pediatrician says at his next check up - it's in a week or so.

***

How is school going now that I'm a mom?  Like before, it has its ups and downs.  I'd say 80% of the time I'm happy with the situation.  The other 20% I daydream about being a stay-at-home mom.  Overall, I'd say that's a win for my "career" choice.

***

I took Wiggles into school the other day to meet his many eager fans (grad students and some of the staff) who up until now had only seen him in online pictures.  My fellow grad students were very adoring and the staff enjoyed him as well.  Then as I was carrying him back toward my office we bumped into the Director.  As you may or may not recall from this post (and you might want to read this one too), Director and I do not quite see eye-to-eye when it comes to my life-decision regarding procreation.  As my advisor had 2 students both "expecting" at the same time (me and a male student) this Director was heard to say to Advisor - "don't your students know what birth control is?".  Nice.  ANYWAY, so we bump into Director and I say brightly, oh hello - this is my son, Wiggles!  He barely cracked a smile (how he managed it with that cute face gazing up at him I'll never know) and said, "oh".  Insert awkward moment.  And that... was that.  Oh well.  I'm very happy with my life decision, thank you very much for asking Sir.

Stranger Danger

Wiggles might be starting to have separation anxiety.  We thought he might when we left him with a babysitter to go on a date last weekend, but all was well.  Even though we left after putting him down for a nap and upon waking he found himself alone with this person, she reported that he was smiley and happy as could be.

Then, last night we had another friend over - one Wiggles hasn't seen since before Christmas.  And when Wiggles woke from his nap I handed him over - he immediately seemed uneasy as I walked away from him over to the couch.  He kept looking between me and the person holding him, and then screwed up his face like he was going to cry!  It was so sad!  And cute!  He did this three times, looking back and forth, and then finally started smiling at the friend.  :)  Crisis averted I guess.

It'll be interesting to see how he does in the coming weeks as we plan on going on more dates.