My Crazy

We all have our own brand of crazy, don't we?  I feel like new mom's are especially called out for their crazy.  Maybe that's just me.

Mr. Random told me the other day that I haven't been very crazy for a new mom, but the one thing I HAVE been crazy about is breastfeeding.

I'm a little miffed.  And irritated.  And annoyed.  Because, he really doesn't get it.  He knows he doesn't.  But despite that, felt comfortable telling me that I was a little batshit crazy about breastfeeding.

And I suppose I was.  I was very particular about Wiggles getting nursed on a schedule.  And when it was time to go back to work, I was very particular about making sure I pumped every 3-6 hours.  And while he thinks this made me "crazy" I think it was a perfectly normal response.

This was my baby's food!  This is what was keeping him alive!  Mr. Random, says now, that we could have supplemented with formula all along.  But you know what?  I felt a lot of pressure from him that "breast was best" and that I needed to make an honest go of it.  Not be like those "other women" who don't even try or give up early because it isn't convenient.  And now he turns around and says I was crazy about it?  Ugh.  Men.

This is coming up because I've stopped breastfeeding Wiggles.  And I'm pretty sad about it.  He was biting me with his razor sharp little teeth and it was getting worse, not better, so we pulled the plug.  I continued pumping and was actually pumping enough he could have half or more of his bottles every day as breastmilk instead of formula.  I'm lucky that I respond quite well to the pump.  But...pumping is time consuming.  Annoying.  And it started to really hurt!  I couldn't figure out why it hurts so much but it really hurt!  (turn down the suction genius...)

And then we went on vacation, and it was just a challenge to pump regularly.  And Mr. Random was not at ALL supportive.  He tells me later he thought my pumping was a hindrance and annoying.  Thanks...

So now I've stopped pumping entirely.  Truth be told, I didn't much want to.  It IS time consuming and annoying to me.  Breastfeeding was magical...pumping...eh.  Necessary evil.  But I'm a little mad about how it all went down and a little frustrated because I think I COULD have kept pumping until Wiggles' first birthday and...well, it seems like I SHOULD if I COULD, right?

The other thing, I've noticed, at least for me, about giving up breastfeeding is that...it's like giving up part of my identity.  Which is crazy!  I mean...I spent 99% of my life NOT breastfeeding.  But...it's like the last thing that made me "special".  I mean, for 40 weeks I was pregnant.  I was "special" and supporting this new little life that was growing.  Then I was supporting that little life with breastmilk.  Still "special".  My body was still doing something amazing.

Now?  Now I'm...just... me again.  Nothing special.

I know I'm not just me.  I know I'm a mom now too.  And I'll always have those memories and I have a very wonderful bond with my little guy.  But I do feel less "special".

Catching Up a Bit

Taking care of a newborn sure is keeping me busy!  And exhausted.  He's been a champion nurser - started right in the recovery room and has an awesome latch so I've been lucky there.  The only trouble is, he must nurse all. the. time.  :)  I guess that's not trouble exactly...it just makes it hard to find sleep.  I've had several friends offer to come over to watch him for the afternoon so I can sleep.  Um...thanks?  but...that's not the issue.  The issue is his constant, frequent need for my boobies.

We had 3 rough nights in a row, but last night was remarkably better.  The first 2 rough nights I think were due to a growth spurt.  The 3rd, and worst, night was due to a dip in supply probably, but I didn't realize it at the time.  He was just asking for the boobies all. night. long.  It started when we tried to go to bed...he nursed on one, switched to the other...still wasn't asleep, still was hungry.  Back and forth I went for 2 hours.  Still hungry and crying if put down.  I couldn't believe it.  I was at the point of tears with exhaustion when Mr. Random, who is back to work - poor guy - took him for 2 hours so I could sleep.  He tried everything but Baby Random was just hungry!

We had a pedi appt the next day for a weight check, and she's the one that clued me in to it likely being a dip in supply.  Turns out...lack of sleep, not enough food or water...and nighttime all contribute to a dip in supply. I'd say that night was a perfect storm.  Poor little guy, he really was hungry!

I took him for a short walk this morning, as the temp was in the 70's!  It's just been too hot since he was born to take him outside for any length of time.  I can't wait until the weather really cools down.