Random Ramblings

I missed posting yesterday.  There was something I kept thinking of that I wanted to write about...but by the time I'd sit down to write it, the thought was gone.  At which point I'd get up and do something else, planning to return to write it out when the thought came back.  It came back...and left, several times.  And in the end, I have no idea what that fleeting thought was.  So no post.  And here we are.

On the baby name front, it seems safe to say that Isabelle is out if it's a girl.  Which makes me sad, but...there are FAR too many Isabella's, I'm over the whole Twilight "thing" and hate the association, AND, a co-worker of Mr. Random's who just annoys the hell out of him (nice enough guy, just happens to have every odd quirk that pushes every one of Mr. Random's buttons) is having a girl in October (well, presumably his wife is doing the having) and they've pretty much settled on the name Isabella.  Mr. Random hadn't liked the popularity of the name before, but this really finished it off for him.  So there were are.

I've also pretty much ruled out Aiden.  It just doesn't seem right anymore, and - again - the popularity thing.

We have lists with 3 boys names and 3 girls names at this point, and are pretty settled on the middle names for each.  I think we'll go with those and hope one of the 6 seems "right" upon staring at the little one's scrunched face.  If not...well, the hospital has WiFi.  :)

We watched Where the Wild Things Are the other night.  Well, that's inaccurate.  We started to watch that movie.  And quickly, both of us were looking at each other in horror.  And then boredom.  It really just didn't do it for us.  And, quite frankly, convinced us that children are rather frightening creatures after all and that we'd prefer not to have any.  Quite a predicament I find myself in considering that recent conclusion.  (I am kidding...mostly)

Seriously though, the boy in the movie seems to have some major issues.  Especially issues of loneliness.  I think I was a lonely child from time to time, but my gosh.  MY GOSH.  It really did freak us out.  But our kid will be all rainbows and butterflies, right?  (now I'm completely kidding)

The weather has taken a turn for pleasant.  We've had rain showers and cooler temperatures.  I'm hoping the change is permanent and signaling "fall" (as if Phoenix actually has seasons beyond "warm" and "hot, hot, hot!") but we'll see.  The end of the 10 day forecast shows temps climbing back up into the triple digits. 

I had lunch with Advisor the other day too.  She wanted to see me once more before Baby was born.  Lunch was yummy, and it was a mostly fun chat.  It involved a lot of unsolicited advice from her about everything from labor to breastfeeding to child rearing - which for the most part I agreed with, had already heard, or appreciated, so that was good.  We talked work a little bit - I still have mixed feelings about how to spend my time for the next 5 or so months.  You see, I'm funding myself, thanks in large part to her, and based on that, feel that I can do whatever the hell I want.  If that means I'm focused 100% on the baby and do nothing towards the PhD, well I think that's my right.  It's probably also stupid.  She has some ideas for how to spend my time and assures me that after the first few weeks I'll want the intellectual activity.  I suspect she's right...but I don't like it.  (I'm a bit ornery)  I'm planning on attending a conference in the spring that I need to submit an abstract for...I believe the deadline's in October or thereabouts, so that'll be something "intellectual" for me to do.  (as in, dust off the abstract I worked on over the summer and get that in)  Beyond that...it'd be smart to keep up on the literature...and probably to play with some internet programming options.  But I don't think I'll make solid goals/plans yet.  We'll see how I handle the baby-rearing part first.  I had had dreams (last spring) of taking my master's thesis and turning it into a publishable paper during this time.  Sounds lofty at this point...but would probably be worthwhile.  And it'd be a nice FU to the fine folk who assured me I'd be "worthless" and should take the semester off (yes, this includes Advisor who now has all these ideas for how I should spend my time and suggests I'll want the intellectual stimulation - which one is it lady?).

Back again

Once again, I want to do better. I want to post at least one thing a day. I am stating this here as a visible goal, hoping that will help me accomplish such a thing. At the very least, I need to keep writing in some sort of coherent fashion so that jumping back into the grad school ring after being a stay-at-home-mom isn't as shocking. So here I am.

PLUS, I really had wanted to document my thoughts and feelings during this time of my life. As it's a pretty life-changing time. But alas, I just haven't brought myself to do it.

Well, better late than never?

So my feelings currently?

apprehension. excitement. trepidation. curiosity.

What does each feeling apply to? They all apply to everything! Labor/delivery. Being a mom. Who is this baby? How will we handle this change? Will I really be able to keep the little one happy and healthy? Or should I just hope to keep it alive!?

I wonder if the baby's a boy or a girl. And what will we name him or her!? We've got lists...kind of. We don't have a fore runner. Well, we do. But every time we more or less settle on a "top pick"...I find a reason I might not be able to stomach it! I've already blogged about loving the name Isabelle - I believe - but hating that everyone and her sister are naming their girl Isabella from Twilight. I do NOT want the association with Twilight. (gag me) And I wasn't keen on the popularity - though it turns out, that while Isabella is #1 for 2010 girls...Isabelle is #100. My rule of thumb is anything below 15-20 on the list is fine. So...technically, Isabelle should be fine. Technically.

Then there is the trouble of a boy's name. For a long time I liked Aiden. Also super popular. One of you kindly informed me this came from Sex and the City. That doesn't bother me a whole lot as the show is off the air and I never watched...but it's still REALLY popular. When you take the 3 most common spellings it's the #1 boy's name. Which...clearly doesn't fit the rule of thumb. So, back to the drawing board, I started really liking Camden. I still really like it. Mr. Random does too. And then...we were watching Jumping Jack Flash - Stephen Collins is in that movie. And I was like, oh that's...what's his name, and before Stephen Collins came to mind, Reverend Camden came to mind. You know...from 7th Heaven. Oh Lord have mercy! I never much cared for that show, least of all the dear "reverend" and now, gah! My beautiful boy's name. Is it ruined? I haven't decided. Some googling to see what people think of when they hear the name didn't help much....7th Heaven didn't come up, but a crime-ridden ghetto-tastic town in New Jersey apparently comes to many people's minds. Damn. I still really like the name...

So...the name thing is still up in the air.

Then there's the trepidation surrounding the actual labor and delivery process. Yes, I know millions of women have done this before. My own mother has gone through it five times. But, there's kind of extra pressure...because I'm all determined to go "natural". And, it's more just fear that I won't be able to handle it. And that if I can't, I'm letting Mr. Random, Random Jr. and myself down. Sigh.

I worry about how we'll handle parenting. If it will weaken or strengthen our relationship. Probably both...

And I worry how I'll like being a mom. I mean...this is a forever change here! It's in no way temporary. And I start to feel like I'm too young! I've told Mr. Random...but I'm just a kid! And I do feel that way sometimes. At the same time, I realize that 27 puts me over the national average for first time mom...and, really, age is less important than maturity...and I'm probably more mature than many 27 year olds. Probably. Maybe I'm just too generous in my self-evaluation.

Baby Names

We're struggling a bit in the baby name department. Oh sure, we have a list. But nothing really settled on. Which is fine...I'm good with waiting until we know if it's a boy or girl and see the little one's face to settle on something for sure. But one of my big struggles is that my personal top girl and boy name, are just about everyone else's favorites too. Aiden. And Isabelle. Sigh. LOVE those names. I've loved them for years actually - I'm a weird one about names, and have been "collecting" names and thinking about them for a long time. I used to (as in, when I was about 12 I think) like the idea of twin girls named Alizabeth and Aeryn. (I was 12!) But I mean...I've thought about names since then or before. And in recent years, had kind of settled in my heart on Aiden for a boy and Isabelle for a girl. And I could call the girl Bella, which means beautiful, and it's so perfect. And if we have a girl, she was basically implanting when we were in Rome at Christmastime, so it's even MORE perfect! (because they actually say Bella there)

But then...Twilight had to happen. Damn those books! I read them. I enjoyed them at first pass. And then I thought about the relationship being presented, how unhealthy it was, and started to not like them as much. For a trashy guilty pleasure for ADULTS who realize that it's trashy and not healthy, fine. Enjoy yourselves! For the preteens just starting to define their ideas of love that the books are marketed too....not so much. You're giving these young women serious issues by letting them see these screwed up relationships and thinking they're "ideal" or "perfect" or something. But I digress.

The problem is, now everyone and their sister is naming their little girl Isabella. Or Bella. Or Isabelle. That was MY name people! BEFORE the damn books!

I don't even know what triggered the Aiden phenomenon. But it seems like every little boy I know is either named Aiden, has a brother named Aiden, or their names rhyme with Aiden. Sigh.

So, who cares? Just name my kid what I want? I guess.....it's just. My name isn't common. And I always liked that. So I thought I would like to give my kid a nice, but somewhat uncommon name. Which, believe me, at the time I settled on these names, they WERE. But then I think...I was never very socially popular. In fact, I often tried (like I needed to try) to stand out from the crowd and be different. Was that nature? Nurture from my oddball parents? Or did it have something to do with my uncommon first name? I mean, the Matts, Tiffanies, Jennifers, and Sarahs I knew were pretty much always popular. Was that because their names were popular? So, is it possible, that by giving my kid a popular name...they'll overcome their mother's social awkwardness and be popular themselves? Would I want them to be? What if being popular means they no longer relate to me? Have I gone way too far off course yet in this baby name maze? I think so.

But it's what I'm pondering currently. Baby brain much?