Counseling and Communication

I'm finally back in counseling. I had a hiatus because the counselor I saw over the summer graduated from her internship and was hired in a practice that didn't take my insurance. Well, it did, but as an out of network thing and so I'd have to pay a $1000 deductible...which wouldn't take long at $115/hr, but...still was out of my budget at this point in time.

I was dragging my feet setting up with a new counselor because I really liked this last one. I felt we had the most productive sessions by far of my semi-brief counseling history and really appreciated all the insight I'd gained. And there was a deep level of trust that had been developed...and I just haven't felt ready to try to build that with someone else.

I finally went in and wound up getting matched up with a woman I liked immediately...but it turns out she'd seen Mr. Random! (he'd gotten individual counseling...basically during my hiatus). So there was a conflict of interest and she couldn't actually see me.

So today I finally met with someone who can see me. I didn't like her as much initially and I'm still a bit unsure how I feel about her. I do know that I actually felt worse after my session today...and I'm not sure what to make of that.

I'm addressing different issues now than I did over the summer. The summer was about addressing some crappy stuff in my past and working that out. We didn't get to all of it, but made really good headway.

Some of it is really personal and crappy, and I don't even want to go there with someone new, least of all this person. She asked a bit about it today and I told her as little as I could. I just...am not ready I guess. Instead, I'm hoping to focus on stress management and communication. Because I feel that I've lost my ability to communicate effectively with Mr. Random and because I'm about at my breaking point with stress. The two are most likely inter-related.

I wound up crying in the session today, which really surprised and frustrated me. I mean...really? Tears? They came when I was talking about the recent "discussion" I had in Mr. Random that prompted my post about him being an Ass. I was feeling better about him and Us until I brought that up again. Now I'm feeling sad with a touch of despair.

The bonus for anyone still reading this is that I'm supposed to try to post more as part of my "homework."

Breather

I'm doing a lot better. *deep sigh of relief* Which is good, because that level of stress was surely not good for me or the baby that's trying so hard to grow and live. I have small fears that the stress was bad enough to cause a miscarriage and I just don't know it yet, but I'm trying to push that out of my mind. Because that surely won't help things.

So, basically, I called my parents and talked with both of them and my mom had a lot of ideas actually. And was very sympathetic. And...just such a good Mom. :) And from her suggestions we now have a plan. And that's all I really need to relax. A feasible plan. Yes, if we have to deviate from said plan, it'll likely stress me out, but until such a time, I can rest easier. And that's what I need right now.

What is this magical plan? Well, Mr. Random will still be trying to get more gainful employment. He's found a few opportunities he'll apply for this weekend, but one of them he thinks he has a pretty good shot at since he knows someone there, AND he's even excited about the job. So, that'd be ideal situation #1. He gets that job, it pays as much as we make combined now, and then I can, in fact, take Fall semester off. Cool. However, if he does not find more gainful employment, that is OK. I will take 6 online credits (2 classes) which makes me full time and thus I can take out student loans. And I will fund myself for the Fall. With debt. (but hey, beats cashiering) and stick my tongue out at my advisor as I do it, and do it well. :)

I told Mr. Random that I wanted to take classes regardless of his employment situation, mainly just to spite my department, but he said he'd prefer I take the semester off as he'd prefer our little olive spent as little time in care as possible. Awwwww. :) (it's the size of an olive this week) For the sake of the olive, I will give up my spite. Or, find a new outlet...

Advisor emailed me today to ask how things went with Director and what I'd found out. Ummm...I ran into you talking with him, you KNOW how it went, but I played along and told her that I was leaning toward a 3rd option that hadn't been discussed (the Plan as outlined above). She responded right away that I should not over-commit myself and that I "need and deserve" this time off. Uh huh...thanks for the vote of confidence. Thank you. What part of, it doesn't matter we couldn't afford it, do you not understand? She wants me to keep her posted. Thanks so much for your concern...

Honestly, one of the things that was upsetting me the most yesterday (besides the hormones that resulted in tears at least 3 separate times) was that she says she's supportive, but when it comes to anteing up and doing anything to help me out, she refuses. If she'd pay me an RA it'd solve a lot of the issues, as long as she was cool with paying my "6 weeks for nothing" maternity leave. She's not. That's not at all supportive. And when I present her with what WE feel is the best option for us, she's very negative and full of dire predictions of my impending "uselessness".

Oh well, I'm not going to take any more energy to dwell. Now that I've vented here, I'm ready to move on, do what's right for MY family, whatever option that winds up being, and if she continues to be full of dire warnings, I may just stick out my tongue and say Watch Me. Watch me prove you wrong. I'm nothing if not ornery and obstinate.

For my reference, and anyone else who finds it useful

8 Ways to Ease Your Worries

courtesy of Yahoo.com

1. Accept that troubles are part of life. With all the focus on celebrity lifestyles during the past decade or so, “it’s almost as if we’ve been told life is supposed to be perfect all the time, and something is wrong with us if it isn’t,” says Victoria Moran, author of Living a Charmed Life. “That’s not true!”

Sometimes you just happen to be the person whose car runs over a nail in the road, and you end up with a flat tire. You didn’t do anything to deserve it. Being careful won’t eliminate every last chance of picking up a nail. Neither will being nice and working hard on your driving skills.

In the same way, you aren’t any more unlucky than anyone else if the economic slowdown is creating new difficulties for you. The answer to “Why me?” is “Why not me?” When you keep reminding yourself that life has its ups and downs, you’re better able to “change your default setting,” as Moran puts it. “All of a sudden, ‘Everyone’s healthy, and we’re safe and content, even now,’ becomes as good as ‘Rich and getting richer,’” she says.

2. Don’t obsess over the news. Molly Peter, a real estate agent and mother of four in Bethesda, Maryland, never watches the news anymore. “It’s surprising how much more positive I feel every day,” she says. Instead, she listens to music or an audiobook while in the car or cooking.

This technique is OK to use as long as you’re not in denial about the upheavals going on, says Sonja Lyubomirsky, PhD, a University of California, Riverside, professor of psychology and author of The How of Happiness. Of course you want to stay informed—just don’t let it overwhelm you. “Your life will be happier if you focus on affirming things,” rather than things that depress you, says Dr. Lyubomirsky.

3. Reach out to friends. The way you cut fear down to size, says Rev. Dr. Forrest Church, author of 25 books including Freedom from Fear, is to avoid the urge to isolate yourself when trouble hits. It’s crucial to be with people, and by “people,” he means more than your immediate family and the dog.

But that’s not what most of us tend to do. When we get laid off, we feel singled out and helpless. We may be furious, bitter or sad. Most certainly, we feel embarrassed. So we hunker down and hide.

“You can’t let yourself do that,” Dr. Church says. “When you do, you get into a conversation with your fear, and it builds.” You may even start blaming yourself. “One neighbor at a time, one friend at a time, break out of your isolation every day,” he says. “When we start engaging with other people, we find ways around that wall that’s in front of us, solutions and ideas we might not have seen by ourselves.”

4. Cultivate gratitude, now more than ever. You may be eating more rice and beans these days, but if there’s food on the table, that’s a blessing. You can be grateful that your son is learning to read, for your health, for the neighbor who waved as she mowed her lawn.

In a 2002 study conducted at the University of Pennsylvania, researcher and psychology professor Martin Seligman, PhD, asked severely depressed people to go to a website once a day, before they went to bed, and write down three good things that had happened that day and why. (These were people who were so depressed that just getting out of bed might be worthy of the list.) Listing three good things daily was their only treatment. Within 15 days, 94% felt less depressed.

The study has been repeated several times since. Every time, researchers found that being thankful actually made the subjects feel happier.

“Saying thank you is powerful,” says Rabbi Julie Schonfeld, who recently became the first woman to become executive vice president of the Rabbinical Assembly, representing Conservative Jewish rabbis worldwide. “It turns us from a mindset of lack to a mindset of gratitude for the good things in our lives.”

5. Decide not to worry. Studies have found that some people worry 10 times more than other people do, although their life circumstances may not be much different from those of people who hardly worry at all. Not surprisingly, the champion worriers were more likely to report being unhappy than those who worried less. Some people are predisposed to worry more than others, says Boston College psychologist Maya Tamir, PhD, but we do have some control over it, meaning we can choose whether to worry or not. Deciding not to worry is not the same as pretending everything is fine. By all means, be practical. But once you’ve made a plan for “what if I get laid off,” don’t continue to fret about it in your head or talk about it to others, advises Dr. Lyubomirsky.

6. This goes for dwelling, too. Dwelling, or replaying a stressful event over and over in your head, can keep you stuck. Dr. Lyubomirsky has documented the negative effects of dwelling. Psychologists call this rumination, and there are tricks to stopping it, she says. One is to see whether you have any worry triggers and to distract yourself when you begin to ruminate.

Try different tactics until you can turn off worry the way you change a TV channel. Solitary exercise may not help unless you work out so hard you don’t think about other things. “I used to go for a run when I found myself ruminating,” reports Dr. Lyubomirsky. “Well, running made me do it more!” Good bets: reading to a child or watching a funny movie.

Another trick she finds effective: Make a worry appointment with yourself. Plan to worry from 9 to 9:30 a.m., for example, and if you find you’re worrying at any other time during the day, tell yourself to put it on hold. Silly, maybe—but it works, Dr. Lyubomirsky says.

7. Work at staying upbeat. In her latest book, Dr. Lyubomirsky makes an interesting point: A growing body of research shows that our sense of well-being is about 50% dependent on a happiness setpoint. This factor is genetic, much like a weight setpoint. Of the rest, only about 10% is circumstantial: big income or small, married or single, gorgeous or plain. “What’s exciting is that the other 40% percent is under our control,” she says. “It depends on our daily, intentional activities.” Even something as simple as smiling can lift your spirits. “Staying positive is really important, right down to the effect it has on your immune system,” Dr. Lyubomirsky says.

8. Take part in your faith. Worship offers transformative power of its own because it “takes us out of ourselves,” says Rabbi Schonfeld. A faith community can feel like a supportive extended family. Going to the church or synagogue during the week to meet friends or volunteer our time can be a mission when we have no job to go to daily or we don’t know what to do next. And there are a lot of opportunities to help with service and outreach projects.

“Miraculous things can happen when we join hands to help one another,” says Rabbi Schonfeld. “It isn’t just the good works, though they are important. Working together also relieves our fear and anxiety, and gives us a new surge of energy.” Another benefit: We can’t shelter our children, especially our older children, from the troubles related to the present economy. “But we can let them see us acting with a sense of faith and purpose,” which shows them that we’re able to cope, says Rabbi Schonfeld.

Maybe you just flat-out know you need help. If you haven’t been involved with a church before, turning up when you need groceries or you just got a pink slip can feel embarrassing, even hypocritical. Do it anyway, suggests Rev. Jefferts Schori. “Many times we change our lives for the good, or begin a spiritual journey, when we’re feeling the most down and vulnerable,” she says.

Finally, some good news

Aneurysm: weakening in the wall of a blood vessel causing it to "bulge" out

Brief History to get you up to date:

2002 - MRI to try to determine cause of fainting spells. Result - fainting still up in the air, but there's a potential aneurysm. If it is it's really small.

Feb 2009 - see a neurologist for headaches; she suggests a CT scan to determine for sure if it is an aneurysm or not at the same time - it's good to check up on these things and make sure they haven't grown as well, if it is an aneurysm

Feb 2009 - get results, yes, it's an aneurysm. In my brain (to be clear). She wants to follow up in May to see how the headaches are.

May 2009 - follow up appt: she says, yup, it's an aneurysm, but I refer those all to a neurosurgeon.

May 2009 - lose insurance

August 2009 - get insurance through school

Sept 29, 2009 - finally see neurosurgeon! Here's how it went:

First off, I left a little bit early from school in case the lightrail was late. It was. Now, I had looked on a map and was pretty sure the lightrail didn't go close enough to where I was going, so I had parked in the park and ride and ridden the lightrail to school. The plan was to ride back to my car and drive to the appointment. No problem. Well, with the lightrail 10 minute delay (as in I waited 20 min for a train, and they're supposed to come every 10) I was going to be cutting it close. I had no problem with the drive but was frustrated when I see, lo and behold, the lightrail line a mere block away from my appointment location. Whoever made the maps for Phoenix Metro should be fired (from map-making...I'd hate to suggest anyone lose their job in this economy). Because I could do a better job. In fact I may, for my future reference. Moving on.

So I got to the parking lot okay, but then I got lost. It was at a large hospital that had an infinite number of other buildings attached by sky bridges and what not. Well, I followed signs for neuro (makes sense, right?) but wound up in the wrong place. At this point I was stressing because my appointment had been for 1:30 and it was now 1:38. A kind nurse was trying to tell me where to go but it was darn confusing (due to construction you had to wind your way through various buildings) so another nurse was like, screw this, come with me honey! You're late! I'll help you! She was so great. So she led me around the building (and construction) and walked me halfway to the right building and then pointed out the doors to get me the rest of the way. (thanks Nurse!!)

So, I get to the right place at 1:45 and I'm freaking out. Turns out my appointment was for 2pm...they just tell you a half hour early so you're on time. The lady seemed smug and I'm sure she was thinking (for people like you) which is so frustrating because I'm usually 10-30 minutes early for things like this! Ah well.

So, finally they take me back and the first person to come in seems young. I know the neurosurgeon I'm seeing is from Germany and world famous - I figured he'd have a certain...air about him. And that he'd be a little older. Well this doctor introduces himself and turns out he's the Chief Resident. He assured me I'd still see the main guy, but he was going to ask some questions to help smooth things along. Fine with me.

So I told him about the aneurysm, answered some questions about family history and whatnot and then fired off my list of questions which mostly were about how having an aneurysm would affect pregnancy and child birth. Anyway, that was all good news! He said that they're very supportive of patients going ahead with pregnancy and childbirth and that they've not had any reason to believe one condition affects the other. (sigh of relief...) So then he went back to meet with the head boss.

A few minutes later an older gentlemen strides into the room with exactly the confidence, grace and air I expected of such a famous neurosurgeon. (quick aside: I heard this somewhere, but can't remember where: what's the difference between a neurosurgeon and a rocket scientist? Both being relatively intelligent professions, of course. The difference is margin of acceptable error...for a neurosurgeon, it's zero. Hmm...words for thought) Anyway, so he strolls in and introduces himself and then looks at me a little puzzled and says, well, if there is something there, it's too small for me to say if it is an aneurysm. And if it IS, in fact, an aneurysm, then it's so small that the risk from it is far less than any risk from trying to go in to fix it. (ie brain surgery) So his recommendation is to carry on with a healthy lifestyle, and then come back in a year for an MRA just to be sure that nothing has changed or grown (because I did have one splitting headache since the CT scan that sounded a lot like the kind you get when an aneurysm ruptures) but after that, just forget the anomaly is even there.

So, major sigh of relief. I didn't even realize how much this had been weighing on my mind until I walked out of the appointment. I felt inches taller from a weight being lifted! And I'm so thankful that there's probably nothing wrong in my head and I can go on living as if I'm normal. (hah!)