Conditioning

This is another one of those posts I wrote in my head. It seemed so well-formed when I thought of it...but sadly I can't remember how that version went.

I was watching my little son playing and reminding him for the 80 millionth time that he's not to play with cords when I started to think about conditioning. And how we all like to think that we make decisions based on our intellect and ability to reason - but are we? Or are we just flattering ourselves? Isn't it more likely that the decisions we make are the result of countless incidents of conditioning summed over our lives? 

And consequently, we really are just responding to the sum of our experiences, good and bad, not "making a decision" at all? Is our sense of autonomy completely false?

Choices

Over the past 6 months or maybe a little more I've been realizing more and more that life really just is a series of choices. There's no magic formula - no correct sequence to complete the level. In fact, there are no levels. I hadn't even realized that I really viewed life as a video game with a "right" combination to get to the ending one wants, until that view started falling away.

You have choices, and you live with the consequences. That's it.

My dad would say there is just one choice: be good or not. Everything else falls from that. It makes sense.

But doesn't entirely help my decision making process currently. As much as I feel that short selling our house is the "right" or best decision for our circumstance - I still feel guilt. I still worry I won't like the consequences. But ultimately, we can only make the best decision we can based on the information we have. Sadly, short sale is the best option.

So then we have to choose who to sell our house with - do we go with an investment company that seems sketchy but could be legit and would be faster (thus minimizing damage to our credit) or do we go with the real estate agent that totally checks out, would only be representing our interests, not her own, but would take longer as we'd have to wait for a buyer (thus more potential damage to our credit)? We're leaning toward the second option heavily. I guess we can always go back to the first one if we're way into the process and no buyers are turning up...

This weekend will be busy - and it's half over! I have papers to write, paperwork to get in order and a house to clean and stage. Oh yeah, and a trip to Italy to plan. *deep breaths* and one thing at a time...it'll get done.

Mysteries

It's all a mystery to me. I said that phrase to my boss in response to being asked why my work was a certain way - not a good explanation and it is now my job to unravel the mystery. But I've found myself thinking more about that phrase. And where else it applies - quite frankly, right now, it is ALL a mystery to me. As in, everything. Life. The meaning of life. What we should be doing with the gift of Life. All of it...it feels like a mystery. I thought I knew once, or had a pretty good idea...but now I feel totally and utterly uncertain. The only thing I know is the present, and I feel pretty confident that a good game plan is to make the most of and enjoy the present. Beyond that...is a mystery to me.

Good Quotes

I like good quotes. I find it reassuring when I find one that really resonates - it helps me remember that others have gone through what I'm going through and I'm not alone. Lately I've been feeling more down on our financial situation and the way BBBB was fired and frustrated that it feels like we've had many, many challenges in the few short years we've been married. And then I saw this quote:

"If you're going through hell, keep going." -Winston Churchill

Of course - I know others have gone through much worse, and I wouldn't want to go through hell with anyone else at my side...but I think it's fair to acknowledge we're going through a hard time right now...and it's nice to remember that the best thing to do at this point is "keep moving forward" - there's always another side, and maybe once we get there, we'll feel it's all been worthwhile. Or at least we'll appreciate the relative calm that much more.

Life as a Game of Chess?

Lately we've been facing a challenge and it's pretty scary. In the midst of the recession my husband, who henceforth shall be referred to as Benny Boo Boo Boo (or BBBB) for short (we like movie quotes), has been fired and now wants to change careers. It's a tough time to do that. Adding to the stress, we are in a house that's worth 55% of what we owe on it. It seems like the easiest thing would be to stop paying the mortgage and see if the bank wants to modify our loan then. I've tried for about 6 months now to get them to modify it w/o us going into default. They, so far, have been uninterested. And if we foreclose, oh well - we're then free to move into an apartment closer to where I work. As long as they don't mind our foreclosure...But, complicating this is the fact that the career BBBB wants to move into will do a credit check - and not meeting your financial obligations is pretty much a fail - no can do - we won't hire you. Sigh. So we have to find a way to pay the mortgage. All this is more confusing when I think that BBBB was going for that same job almost 3 years ago, but it didn't work out. What if it had then? Wouldn't our lives be that much simpler? Of course, if it had - I might not be on the path I am now. I would probably have been content to be a stay-at-home-mom. I still feel like that would be ideal. But we can't afford it...and now I'm pretty content with this other path.

Basically, confusing as that paragraph was, my point is this: I feel like the past 3 years of our lives have been building up to this moment. Like since then we've been involved in a giant game of chess - and only now am I starting to realize that we're limited in options. It's like waking up in the middle of the game, and seeing that you have about 2 moves left - and all the moves you made up to this point are what's trapped you now. I'm not very good at chess...here's hoping I am somewhat better at living life.

Shifting Change

"Whatever happened happened for a reason and could not have happened any other way" - I want to believe this, I really do. But I don't completely. I worry that it COULD have happened another way, or worse, SHOULD have happened a different way.

I feel like I'm in a shifting puzzle and that if I only pick the right move, then everything will work out fine. But I have several options before me, and I'm not sure which one is right. I have no idea what the outcome of any choice is at this point - but I know I don't want to make a bad one.