Today was Wiggles' first day of daycare. He did great! I've got a cute slip of paper that tells me he made friends, caught bubbles, colored with crayons, looked at books and sang songs. Busy day! He ate half of his lunch and slept for an hour for nap! (we didn't think he'd sleep at all...) And when I came in to pick him up he looked happy to see me - but didn't run over or anything. And as we walked past the playground to leave he wanted down to go play.
So I think he liked it.
I, on the other hand, was a wreck all day. I didn't cry until I left the building - but then I cried the rest of my drive. And when I got to my office. A few times after that. Sigh.
And now we do it all again tomorrow. And I don't know why I feel so down about it when he clearly had a good time.
Showing posts with label choice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label choice. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Monday, November 14, 2011
Furious George
I am beyond pissed off right now. The past several weeks and the next several weeks are a rather intense time for me in my PhD program. Admittedly, this is in part due to my personal choices, and as was rather pointedly clarified for me by a certain in-law, being in my PhD program at all is "personal choice." And apparently, because I've made such a choice, I have no room to complain. (BullShit ma'm, Bullshit. Everyone complains about their choices. Usually about the parts of their choice that are beyond their control. But THAT, is another post).
So, it is during this intense time that I have received, not one, but two letters from two separate family members. In short, these letters are essentially asking me (and Mr. R by proxy) to change our values and beliefs regarding our son to better accommodate these family members and their values and beliefs. OUR son.
I'm beyond pissed. And I just don't get it. I wouldn't be so angry if I didn't want our son to have a relationship with these people. After all, the "are family." This has been my mantra since before Mr. Random and I married - he doesn't quite share it and is ready to just not have a relationship with members of his family if they can't respect him and his wishes. (one of the letters is from his side, one from mine). I'm starting to get on his band-wagon, because this is ridiculous.
One letter basically says that they won't be told what they are and aren't allowed to do with regards to our son. That they have certain "privileges" on account of being a grandparent. Maybe we're weird in that we don't agree? We think that being the parent means we get to say what they can and cannot do with our son? (this is like...big things...like force-feeding a 9 month old cookies w/o checking first with his mother to see if (1) he can handle that food texture and (2) oh....if he might not have allergies or some other digestive issue that might mean you should CHECK before you give a BABY food. Just saying.) We're not saying she has to clear every little detail, which, of course, is what she'll do. If she even acquiesces. She indicated in her letter that this could "mean goodbye" to all three of us. SERIOUSLY? Whatever.
The other letter is from a sibling. This sibling is dating a person who abused and killed one of her cats. BRUTALLY. She continues to date this man. We have thus far made it clear in no uncertain terms we will not allow this man in our son's presence. I've had some people say, oh, as long as lots of people are around, what's he going to do? Well...considering he was abusing the cats in the sibling's presence and she didn't notice...he could do a lot. Not to mention, generally in large family gatherings a lot is going on and there are lots of opportunities for such subtle abuse to occur. We aren't comfortable risking it. Sorry. This person has demonstrated brutal violence against smaller defensive less creatures that "annoyed" him. Not. Going. To. Risk. It.
So the letter was actually from this man, and forwarded by the sibling and we're encouraged to re-evaluate our stance. After all, he went to 4 weeks of counseling. And he attached a "scholarly" article that suggests maybe violence to animals doesn't transfer to humans after all. I can't wait until I have the time to rip the article apart properly (it merely cites correlations, and has weak statistics for it at that) and perhaps find a few other articles that support our beliefs (that it may, in fact, not be safe to have him around a baby).
The bottom line is, WE'RE the parents! These are the kinds of things WE decide. Not them.
So furious.
So, it is during this intense time that I have received, not one, but two letters from two separate family members. In short, these letters are essentially asking me (and Mr. R by proxy) to change our values and beliefs regarding our son to better accommodate these family members and their values and beliefs. OUR son.
I'm beyond pissed. And I just don't get it. I wouldn't be so angry if I didn't want our son to have a relationship with these people. After all, the "are family." This has been my mantra since before Mr. Random and I married - he doesn't quite share it and is ready to just not have a relationship with members of his family if they can't respect him and his wishes. (one of the letters is from his side, one from mine). I'm starting to get on his band-wagon, because this is ridiculous.
One letter basically says that they won't be told what they are and aren't allowed to do with regards to our son. That they have certain "privileges" on account of being a grandparent. Maybe we're weird in that we don't agree? We think that being the parent means we get to say what they can and cannot do with our son? (this is like...big things...like force-feeding a 9 month old cookies w/o checking first with his mother to see if (1) he can handle that food texture and (2) oh....if he might not have allergies or some other digestive issue that might mean you should CHECK before you give a BABY food. Just saying.) We're not saying she has to clear every little detail, which, of course, is what she'll do. If she even acquiesces. She indicated in her letter that this could "mean goodbye" to all three of us. SERIOUSLY? Whatever.
The other letter is from a sibling. This sibling is dating a person who abused and killed one of her cats. BRUTALLY. She continues to date this man. We have thus far made it clear in no uncertain terms we will not allow this man in our son's presence. I've had some people say, oh, as long as lots of people are around, what's he going to do? Well...considering he was abusing the cats in the sibling's presence and she didn't notice...he could do a lot. Not to mention, generally in large family gatherings a lot is going on and there are lots of opportunities for such subtle abuse to occur. We aren't comfortable risking it. Sorry. This person has demonstrated brutal violence against smaller defensive less creatures that "annoyed" him. Not. Going. To. Risk. It.
So the letter was actually from this man, and forwarded by the sibling and we're encouraged to re-evaluate our stance. After all, he went to 4 weeks of counseling. And he attached a "scholarly" article that suggests maybe violence to animals doesn't transfer to humans after all. I can't wait until I have the time to rip the article apart properly (it merely cites correlations, and has weak statistics for it at that) and perhaps find a few other articles that support our beliefs (that it may, in fact, not be safe to have him around a baby).
The bottom line is, WE'RE the parents! These are the kinds of things WE decide. Not them.
So furious.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Family Planning
I've thought about this off and on lately. And after having a oh-$*&#-could-I-be-pregnant? moment and realizing that such a thing would at this point in time bring on a cold sweat and fill me with great terror, I feel safe in saying now is not quite the time for our next little baby. We are pretty sure we only want 2 and we thought the ideal spacing would be about 3 years apart. Which...puts having the next little one right about when I'm trying to start my new job - that is, assuming I get such a job upon graduating...and assuming I graduate "on time" to my current plan. A lot of assumptions! Either way, that doesn't seem wise.
So then we could have the little one sooner - say a 2.5 year spacing. Which would put me having the next little one...right around when I defend my dissertation (same assumptions as above). That wouldn't be so bad - except I'd also be going to job interviews either hugely pregnant or with a very new newborn. I'm not keen on either option. This is all, of course, if I get an academic job. I suppose an industry job might give a little more flexibility in the timing of interviews and such.
Which leaves me thinking about 4 years apart might not be so bad. Maybe we have the next little one after I finish my first academic year at this imaginary new job? That seems...reasonable. I really don't want them much further apart than that...
I just don't know.
So then we could have the little one sooner - say a 2.5 year spacing. Which would put me having the next little one...right around when I defend my dissertation (same assumptions as above). That wouldn't be so bad - except I'd also be going to job interviews either hugely pregnant or with a very new newborn. I'm not keen on either option. This is all, of course, if I get an academic job. I suppose an industry job might give a little more flexibility in the timing of interviews and such.
Which leaves me thinking about 4 years apart might not be so bad. Maybe we have the next little one after I finish my first academic year at this imaginary new job? That seems...reasonable. I really don't want them much further apart than that...
I just don't know.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Why I can't read/watch the news
A 1 year old boy was fatally shot in the head in what appears to have been an attempted home robbery. My heart wrenches. I have a 1 year old little boy. He was home with his grandmother at the time. I can only imagine what that poor woman felt as she rushed him to a neighbor and called 911. My heart is wrenched just thinking about it.
It's so heart breaking. And the little one did nothing wrong. The grandmother did nothing wrong. These two heartless men showed up with a gun and killed a little one. They did do something wrong, but I kind of doubt they feel it.
And now I understand why people might only have one child. When I was younger I never understood why people would stop at one. Having many younger brothers and sister might be a factor in that, but it never made sense to me. Now I can see one possible explanation. When you have a baby it's like a piece of your heart living outside you. And you can protect it. And you can nurture it. But ultimately, things will happen to it beyond your control. It's a risk. Because a part of you can be so easily hurt. It's terrifying to think of taking that risk again. And having your heart broken into multiple pieces...all vulnerable in the world.
I still think Wiggles' will benefit from having a sibling. And we still think we'd like to have another baby. But I'm definitely leaning toward only one more now. Instead of our two, maybe three kid philosophy I had before Wiggles. I just don't know if I'm strong enough to have more.
It's so heart breaking. And the little one did nothing wrong. The grandmother did nothing wrong. These two heartless men showed up with a gun and killed a little one. They did do something wrong, but I kind of doubt they feel it.
And now I understand why people might only have one child. When I was younger I never understood why people would stop at one. Having many younger brothers and sister might be a factor in that, but it never made sense to me. Now I can see one possible explanation. When you have a baby it's like a piece of your heart living outside you. And you can protect it. And you can nurture it. But ultimately, things will happen to it beyond your control. It's a risk. Because a part of you can be so easily hurt. It's terrifying to think of taking that risk again. And having your heart broken into multiple pieces...all vulnerable in the world.
I still think Wiggles' will benefit from having a sibling. And we still think we'd like to have another baby. But I'm definitely leaning toward only one more now. Instead of our two, maybe three kid philosophy I had before Wiggles. I just don't know if I'm strong enough to have more.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Sensitive Topics
I believe I've blogged about this before. But it's come up again and I've had more thoughts about it, and since this is the place to collect my thoughts, it's time for an update!
It's a sensitive topic and I hope I don't offend anyone with my opinions. If I do, well...I guess it can't be helped. This is what I really think, for better or for worse.
I have a family member, a cousin, who is about my age, single and also female. She's been hearing the tick-tock of her biological clock for awhile now and we've talked about it from time to time in the past. She's an only child, this cousin, raised by her mother and conceived via artificial insemination. Does her manner of conception matter? I didn't used to think so. In fact, as a child, it never really occurred to me to question it. She just didn't have a dad and that was just how it was. I never wondered where he was, or how she came to be without him. Now, however, I feel the lack of a father figure has been kind of a sad lack for her life. She doesn't think so - but I do. Because she's never had the opportunity to build a daughter-father relationship. She's only built a somewhat odd relationship with her mother - who, by the by, is not so keen on the men folk. She's straight, I think, but a bit of a man-hater. This has rubbed off on her daughter.
So, what am I blabbering on about? Well, this cousin is nearing 30, still single, and wanting children. She wants to have children via artificial insemination. Now I'm getting to the point. The idea of her having kids via artificial insemination doesn't sit well with me. To be clear, I do believe that everyone should have the right to decide for themselves, but I guess I just don't agree with her decision. I don't think that I have any right to tell her that or to prevent her from following her plans, but the fact remains...it seems like a poor decision to me.
But why?
I've struggled with understanding the why for some time. Is it because I'm traditional? Ingrained with societal ideas of what a "family" ought to be?
It might be all of that or none of that. I'm not entirely sure. But my new thought on the matter was this: one problem I have with it is her lack of relationships with others. I feel that a parent's relationship with their child (and this is based on my very, very limited experience parenting one baby boy) is not automatic. Parts of it are...but parts of it have to be worked at, built up between the individuals involved. And I feel that my ability to successfully build a positive relationship with my son has been very much enhanced by my previous experiences building relationships with my siblings, both parents, and finally my husband. I use lessons learned from that variety of experience to guide my efforts with my son. My cousin, sadly, does not have that variety of experience. She doesn't have 2 parents, any siblings, or a spouse. Her significant relationship building has been with her mother. And that's it. Does that mean she'll be any less successful? Not necessarily. Does that mean she shouldn't have kids? No...I don't think that either. The real problem I have is that I think she's selling herself short. This is the easy way out for her. Rather than putting herself out there and trying to meet someone and build that new relationship...she's opting to stay in. And have kids all on her own. And I think that she thinks that relationship will be automatic. And easy. And I think she may be surprised at what she finds.
It's a sensitive topic and I hope I don't offend anyone with my opinions. If I do, well...I guess it can't be helped. This is what I really think, for better or for worse.
I have a family member, a cousin, who is about my age, single and also female. She's been hearing the tick-tock of her biological clock for awhile now and we've talked about it from time to time in the past. She's an only child, this cousin, raised by her mother and conceived via artificial insemination. Does her manner of conception matter? I didn't used to think so. In fact, as a child, it never really occurred to me to question it. She just didn't have a dad and that was just how it was. I never wondered where he was, or how she came to be without him. Now, however, I feel the lack of a father figure has been kind of a sad lack for her life. She doesn't think so - but I do. Because she's never had the opportunity to build a daughter-father relationship. She's only built a somewhat odd relationship with her mother - who, by the by, is not so keen on the men folk. She's straight, I think, but a bit of a man-hater. This has rubbed off on her daughter.
So, what am I blabbering on about? Well, this cousin is nearing 30, still single, and wanting children. She wants to have children via artificial insemination. Now I'm getting to the point. The idea of her having kids via artificial insemination doesn't sit well with me. To be clear, I do believe that everyone should have the right to decide for themselves, but I guess I just don't agree with her decision. I don't think that I have any right to tell her that or to prevent her from following her plans, but the fact remains...it seems like a poor decision to me.
But why?
I've struggled with understanding the why for some time. Is it because I'm traditional? Ingrained with societal ideas of what a "family" ought to be?
It might be all of that or none of that. I'm not entirely sure. But my new thought on the matter was this: one problem I have with it is her lack of relationships with others. I feel that a parent's relationship with their child (and this is based on my very, very limited experience parenting one baby boy) is not automatic. Parts of it are...but parts of it have to be worked at, built up between the individuals involved. And I feel that my ability to successfully build a positive relationship with my son has been very much enhanced by my previous experiences building relationships with my siblings, both parents, and finally my husband. I use lessons learned from that variety of experience to guide my efforts with my son. My cousin, sadly, does not have that variety of experience. She doesn't have 2 parents, any siblings, or a spouse. Her significant relationship building has been with her mother. And that's it. Does that mean she'll be any less successful? Not necessarily. Does that mean she shouldn't have kids? No...I don't think that either. The real problem I have is that I think she's selling herself short. This is the easy way out for her. Rather than putting herself out there and trying to meet someone and build that new relationship...she's opting to stay in. And have kids all on her own. And I think that she thinks that relationship will be automatic. And easy. And I think she may be surprised at what she finds.
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