Feeling Petty

and I don't like it.

I am 27 years old.  I've been married for nearly 5 years.  I bought a house.  I lost that house - primarily due to my husband (the bread-winner as it were) losing his job.  I just had my first baby, and we all three live in an apartment, that is pretty nice, but no house.  And is half the size our house was, so we gave away a lot of things and are pretty cramped here with the rest.  Most of the time, I still feel very lucky and happy with our situation.  We can still have some nice things, buy healthy food in enough quantity that we're never hungry, and we've been able to take some pretty great vacations.

But every now and then...I feel envious of others my age.  Especially those that waited until after the housing bubble burst and are just now purchasing their first homes.  For a LOT less than we bought our house for.  And with a much greater income.  They're just in such a better situation financially.  And it feels like a little stab to the heart.  I want to be happy for them, but there's always a little bitterness too.  

And then...there's my cousin.  She's 21.  She's married, for just over 1 year.  She has no college education, neither does her husband.  They're expecting their first baby.  And they're, apparently, attempting to buy their first house.  This particular situation strikes my heart a bit stronger than the others.  For several reasons.  For one thing, they're so much younger.  For another, they are not as well educated as my husband or I, and consequently work very entry-level jobs.  My cousin works at a fast food restaurant and the husband works at a big box store as a sales guy.  And, apparently, she's still on her parent's medical insurance.

So, my first thought is How?!  How on EARTH can they afford a house?  My next thought is that they're getting help from their parents.  And this frustrates the hell out of me.  And then that frustrates me because I feel like I ought to just be happy for them.  But I mean, come on!  Mr. Random and I have been on our own financially since we got married.  Before we got married even.  When we were about their age.  Since then we moved 1000 miles from home, we rented apartments, bought our cars, bought our house, lost our house, and are now taking a boatload of student loans to live off of.  All on our own.  We pay our own medical insurance, car insurance, life insurance, renter's insurance.  All our own bills.  And...honestly, that's as it should be!  I feel that if you're mature enough to marry, you should be mature enough to provide for yourselves financially.  I realize these are hard economic times (I DO, first hand, believe me!) but that doesn't change the fact that you should be buying your own insurance and paying your own bills.  And especially if you're having a baby, you should be financially independent first!  

I guess it doesn't always work that way, and if you're parents can help you out...well, why not, right?  I guess I just feel frustrated that we tried so hard to do it all on our own - and had it blow up in our faces due to circumstance beyond our control (some of it was within our control, but ultimately a lot of it wasn't) and it feels like other people, like my cousin, aren't even trying to do it on their own.  And they're better off for it!  It just seems like it shouldn't work that way.  

The Judgement

I was reading another blog recently talking about the judgement of new mothers.  And I will readily admit that I was guilty of being a little too judge-y myself, and probably still am to an extent.  I've definitely found that the roughly 3 months of motherhood I've already experienced have quickly changed my judge-y-ness though.  I am a lot slower to judge than I was before, and for that, I am glad.

But our society is just rife with it.  If you ever wonder why a pregnant woman or a new-mom seems a little on edge, perhaps a little overly defensive, it's because she is dealing with constant judgement.  From everyone, most likely including herself.

I have experienced The Judgement as both a pregnant woman and a new mom far more times than I'd care to recall, but one particular instance really rankled and has stuck with me for about 2 months now.  I was having lunch with a friend, who I am sure really means well.  But it still rankled.

We met for lunch, and I brought Wiggles along.  He was about 2 months old at the time.  This friend does not yet have children, but is starting to think about it and consequently has often asked me questions about pregnancy and parenting.  I am more than happy to share my experiences with her, and so we often discuss those two topics.  At this particular lunch, she asked if I'd had my follow up 6-week appointment with my doctor yet - because she knew I had some questions for the doctor about Wiggles' birth.  I told her I had and what I'd found out (not much! lame...) and then,

The Judgement.

She then asked me if the doctor had told me what I did or could do differently in pregnancy so that my next baby doesn't have reflux.

This is exactly  what I'm talking about.  A well-meaning friend still assumes that something wrong, something shy of perfect, some slight issue with a baby, must be the result of something that baby's mother did.  And it still kind of stings.  I mean...what if it was something I did?  Did I DO this to poor little Wiggles?  I mean...I know I didn't, and I told her as much and that if anything, it was likely genetic and not something preventable or a response to something specifically I did...but...gosh.

And I'm sure it's just the beginning.  This won't be the last time I'm accused for something I have no control over.  The joys of Motherhood, huh? :)

Jumpy People

It turns out, that when one approaches one's due date...everyone treats you like a bomb ready to go off.  Yeah...I wonder when it will happen too, but, wowza. 

I didn't answer my phone the other day because I was sitting on the floor scrapbooking and it was way too far away for me to make it in time.  I figured I'd just let the person leave a voicemail and call them back the next time I got up to pee...which on average happens every 1.5 to 2 hours...so it would be more than reasonable.

It was my mother that had called.  She did leave a voicemail.  And in it, noted that I hadn't answered the phone and consequently wondered aloud if I might not be having a baby.  Sigh.  No...though I DID tell her that we won't be calling people when we go to the hospital.

That's right...we plan to wait until all the fireworks are over and we'll just let people know when the baby's here.  Selfish?  Maybe.  Our right?  Absolutely. 

Here's the way I'm looking at it.  Option 1 - we call when we leave for the hospital.  And Mr. Random now has to spend the time that I'm in ACTIVE labor and heading to transition fielding phone calls, making sure EVERYONE gets informed so there are no hurt feelings and basically...tending to other people who, quite frankly, AREN'T in labor, requiring his attention.  This would likely make me rather upset.  Then, of course, I imagine several folks wanting regular updates.  Again...I'm maybe being a bit of a diva here, but I'd prefer his attention was focused on...well, me.  :)  I'm usually pretty casual about being the center of his world...but I think, this particular instance is one where it's called for.  Luckily, he agrees. 

Which leads to Option 2.  We call y'all after the baby is born.  Ta da!  At which point, I'm sure it will still be annoying to be interrupted and whatever, but we'll also be excited to share the news.  Wouldn't you rather that?  Us being EXCITED to be on the phone with you?  Instead of stressed/pissed off?  I would.

Now, one of my sisters is apparently a little miffed.  I don't think she even knows that we're going with Option 2.  Then she'll likely be outright offended, but I can't control that.  She's miffed because I told her we weren't taking visitors the day of.  Least of all DURING labor.  She mentioned, ever so casually, on the phone the other day that she was discussing the impending birth with her friend/boyfriend (she's unclear where they're at) and he pointed out, that, you know...she's only 6 hours away.  She could take off when she "gets the call" and be there in time for the birth!  She left that hanging...and I shot it down straight away. 

Here's how I'd see it going if she did come.  She'd waltz in, probably about when I'm in transition or crowning...basically, when I LEAST want to be distracted or surprised.  And I'd probably scream something obscene at her.  And she'd back out of the room, tears springing to her eyes, and would be offended.  And hurt.  And I would have zero sympathy.  I know her...that's how it would go down.

So, No, I said, No.  You're welcome to come the next day, but Mr. Random and I talked about it and we're not taking visitors the first day.  We want that day to try to soak it all in and just be ourselves with the baby.  She was clearly offended and quickly ended the call after that.  And apparently complained to our mother - who... fortunately...sees my side of things.

I know, we're selfish bastards.  Whatever.  When she pushes a little human out her "chute of love" she can call the shots however she likes.  As I'm doing the pushing with this little human...I'm calling the shots.  And the last thing I want is her waltzing in as the baby crowns.  Yet another beautiful reason to go with Option 2.

Rear View

Apparently, I STILL don't look pregnant from behind. (I finally had Mr. Random take a picture from behind so I could see...and...yeah, alright. I don't look pregnant at all. Amazing!) This can make for amusing encounters in public.

For instance...

We were shopping at Best Buy - we knew exactly what we wanted and had other things to do so it was supposed to be an in-and-out trip. The Direct TV sales lady, however; caught sight of us and was right on our tail. She was walking behind us, and I was closest to her when she said "did you hear what we're doing to people today?" I've got to give her props - it piqued my curiosity. "doing to people?". I hesitated and turned around to get a better look. That's when she saw the belly and, I kid you not, jumped a little and said "whoa!". Then, to cover, hastily asked when I was due.

She wanted to save us $200-300/mo on our cable bill. Seriously? Who spends that much on cable? If you do...well, that's your call, but my goodness. We don't have cable. Which I always tell these Direct TV sales people and I know they think I'm lying but we don't. We get the free channels of course, but barely watch them at all. We've got the $8.99/mo plan with Netflix, which we'll be canceling next month as we're cutting back due to my distinct lack of income currently. And that's it.

I mean...if you want to GIVE me $200-300/mo so that I can "save" that much by going with Direct TV, by all means. But otherwise...there's no way you're going to save me money. And besides...I have about a thousand better things to do than get hooked on cable TV shows again. I've been there, done that, and am happy to have broken free.

Now if only I could break my addiction to sweet, sugary drinks. Like lemonade. And juice. And root beer. Ah, root beer...you hold the key to my heart.

Maternity Pillows

Have you ever tried one of those things? I don't get them.

Mr. Random was so sweet and surprised me one day recently by buying me one (and ice cream). Totally out of the blue! He told me he didn't know anything about them, so he bought the most expensive one. :) It was by Boppy and it really seemed great...but I couldn't work out how to turn over with it, without completely waking up trying to re-arrange the thing, while fighting the covers which were trying desperately to pin me and the pillow down. We wound up returning it. I have a nest system with about 4 pillows going that works fairly well...I really liked the concept of the maternity pillow but it wasn't at all worth the fight to turn over when I turn probably 10 times a night (I'm guessing).

Maybe I was doing it wrong?

He made it

So, Mr. Random made it to the OB appointment and ultrasound. In fact he drove me to the appointment. We got there 3 minutes before the scheduled time. The whole thing kind of had a gray cloud over it though. First because I was so upset and stressed out, which in turn added to Mr. Random's already high level of stress, and then because I was calling the doctor right before he picked me up to go to the appointment to tell them I might be 5 to 10 minutes late. I thought that was the right thing to do, and depending on traffic seemed very likely.

I was a bit miffed when the receptionist responded with, "well...like, I'll let them know but I, like, can't guarantee anything....you, like, should try to be here on time". Ummm. Yeah. That was the plan Sweetie. The most irritating thing is that this is the same office that mysteriously "deleted" a doc appointment I had after my first ultrasound and had to "squeeze" me in resulting in a 30 minute delay for me and then at another appointment didn't call me back until 45 minutes after my scheduled appointment time. I'm sorry, I'm giving you a heads up (more than you ever gave me) that I might be 5-10 minutes late and you're giving me shit? This also pissed Mr. Random off. Great.

I had had such visions of us spending the afternoon together, going to the ultrasound, excitedly seeing our baby looking like a baby for the first time. Yeah, that was not our afternoon. Instead, Mr. Random worked late, we rushed to the appointment both in snits, got crap from the office, and then went back for the ultrasound. It was cool, don't get me wrong. And I think helped adjust our attitudes. But it could have been a better experience. On the plus side, Mr. Random picked up really quickly on what we were looking at on the screen. Maybe ultrasound tech will be his back up career plan. :)

We did not find out the sex - Mr. Random was firm in his desire to be surprised at birth, and we always said we'd both have to want to know to find out, so we didn't. Other than that, we saw pretty much everything. Parts of the brain, all the valves and chambers of the heart, the stomach, the bladder, the kidneys, and 2 adorable feet crossed over each other. It was crazy to realize that little tiny person was inside my uterus!

Baby was head down and my placenta is posterior, which should mean that we'll see feet and all kinds of crazy movement in the front. And my cervix was nice and long at 3.9cm, which all adds up to good healthy pregnancy!

I was concerned about my weight gain. 17 pounds so far! Yikes!!!! But the doctor said not to worry, and keep eating like I've been eating. Okay.....if you say so...:-/ The plus side is that I have no idea where the 17 pounds are! I mean, my boobs are gigantic, my stomach looks like I swallowed a cantaloupe whole, but beyond that...the rest of my body looks pretty much the same. Anyway, I don't feel very good when I go long periods of time without food (due to business) so I'll follow the doctor's orders and keep eating!

Next up, trying to blog here more regularly, and about things besides pregnancy and baby!

Frustrated...Sad

So, in a little over an hour, I have an appointment for my "big" ultrasound. The anatomy scan. The one where you can find out if your little one is a boy or a girl if you're so inclined. The one where you can find out if something is seriously wrong...or more hopefully, that everything looks perfect! It's kind of a big deal. I think it's become something of a right of passage of modern pregnancy.

When I made my first OB appointment I discussed with Mr. Random which appointments he wanted to come to, and which ones I wanted him to come to. We both agreed that we'd like him at as many as possible...but realized he probably couldn't make everyone. I told him the big scan was the only one that really mattered to me. Any others would be icing on the cake.

Well, he went to work an hour early with the plan to get off at 2pm. It is now 2:15 pm...and he's still working. Why? Because he got a client on the phone that he has a good chance of getting to sign up. He needs to get a certain number of people signed up each session, and has yet to get a single one. Which I know frustrates him. And he wants so badly to do well at this job. And I'm sure, in his head, he thinks that by staying at work he's choosing his family. To support them by succeeding and providing an income.

But I don't see it that way. At all. Even if he were to get fired (which could happen if he doesn't get enough clients)...he'd find something else. I just feel like going to this appointment with me is so much more important. And. I'm hormonal. And crying.

I'm just so frustrated. And sad.