The Face of WIC

Did I mention that I'm on WIC? More accurately, my son is. It's an income-based government program that provides assistance in providing women, infants, and children with nutrition. When both I and Mr. Random became poor graduate students, we more than qualified for this program. And we put aside our pride and signed up, because our little guy is worth it.

We could have made it work without it. But why should we? We're qualified. The way we'd make it work is by taking out extra student loans. The program is there. We've paid and will continue to pay taxes. 

For the most part I'm fine with this decision. 

And for the most part, grocery store clerks are very helpful and courteous. But not always.

Today, while shopping, I had the great displeasure of a grocery store clerk who was definitely judging me, and poorly. [Disclaimer: I realize the following is entirely my interpretation, and my be inaccurate. But I think it raises a far point, whether true or not] She maintained a level of professionalism - enough that I don't feel it would have been appropriate to complain. But it was also clear to me that she saw me as a "WIC-Mom." 

What is a "WIC-Mom"? 

In her opinion, and those who are otherwise apt to judge someone on WIC, I'm sure it's someone who is not married. Who had a child too young. Who was too selfish to give it up for adoption. Someone who is not educated, and was too stupid to know what "protection" means. Someone who does not have financial means to provide for her child, and therefore, doesn't deserve him.

Here's the thing. I am a WIC-Mom. I am married. I've been married nearly 6 years. I was 27 when my son was born. I may have been selfish to keep him, but at the time we got pregnant we still had a house, we had 2 incomes, and our lives were very, very different than they are now, roughly 3 years later. I'm highly educated. I hold a bachelor's and master's degrees in a science field and I am working on my Ph.D. I definitely know what "protection" is and how to use it.

It's true - I don't fully have the financial means to support my son - but I went out and found some. WIC is helping. I work 3 jobs. My husband currently is job searching and working a part-time job in the meantime.

So we damn well do deserve our son.

And if I am one WIC-Mother, so very much the opposite of what you might assume...what do you think that might mean for other "WIC-Moms"? One thing is for sure, if a mom went out and got WIC support, she's at least done that one thing to support her child. How dare you judge her for that?

If parenting has taught me anything it's this:

You never know what path has led the person before you to the moment you are witnessing. 

And once you realize that, you'll realize you are in no position whatsoever to pass judgement. 

The Five Year Engagement

Spoiler Alert - I will be talking about themes and instances from the movie.

I just watched The Five Year Engagement with a friend. Overall, I thought I liked it.

But it also hit a little close to home.

In short, the main couple gets engaged, and then while attempting to plan their wedding, decide to move for the woman's "career". She just got a post-doc position in Michigan. So the man is giving up his successful career as a sous chef (he was about to be promoted to head chef) in San Francisco to support his future wife. It's supposed to be for 2 years. But she does well, the get more funding, and it starts looking a bit longer term. And he basically becomes a tragic shadow of himself who is borderline insane. To be fair, she has continually asked him if he's happy, and he's continually denied their move is a problem - but it's clear to everyone that it is. And still they persist. Until finally they break up. After 5 years. In the end, they do get back together. After a bit more drama and soul searching, blah blah blah.

Let's recap my history with Mr. Random. We married, then immediately moved to another state so I could go to graduate school. It was supposed to be for 2 years and then we'd move elsewhere. We're coming up on year 6 here as I opted to continue for my Ph.D. And I've worried a bit that Mr. Random is not happy here. Or has felt limited by my "career". Thankfully, he didn't give up some big career to come here, and he's not gone off the deep end like Jason Segel's character. And we don't keep putting off our life until things are "perfect" (see: Wiggles), but it was little close to home.

And the more I think about the movie, the more I am irked by several themes that cropped up.  There's the implication that a lot of the reason our main heroine has been miserable for the past 5 years is because she (selfishly) wanted a Career.

A counterpoint to the main couple is presented when the post-doc's sister gets knocked up by her fiance's immature "screw up" friend at their engagement party. This couple seems much less responsible, much less educated (he throws out the f-bomb at their quickie wedding!) but we're to believe this couple is much happier. In fact, we're encouraged to believe they are happier because they are less exacting. Less careful. Less responsible. Perhaps, even, because they are less educated.

As an exacting, careful, responsible, and highly educated woman...I find this somewhat offensive. Or at the very least distressing.

I can well believe that one will be happier when they're less exacting and careful. Even less responsible to some degree. And ignorance is bliss, or so they say, so I suppose less education can be helpful as well, in the pursuit of happiness. I'd say I'm more concerned that it seems to be yet another example in "popular culture" that vilifies or otherwise makes less desirable intelligence and education. When did we as a society become so anti-intelligence?

Venting

I'm feeling really anxious and I think what would help the most is being able to talk about it. Sadly, I have no one to talk to about it right now. So, I'll write it out. It's the next best thing. Heck, it may even work out better.

I'm working on my dissertation. In short, it'll be three publishable papers. The content of the first paper is the development of a tool, the second paper is an assessment of the data used in the tool, and the third paper is an assessment of the tool itself, via user survey.

The tool was supposed to be built by March 31. I was working with another student on it. She was doing the coding. She said she could get it done in time. It's only just now done. So, you could say we're a bit behind schedule. I'm actually a full 6 weeks behind my self-prescribed dissertation schedule. It's immensely frustrating.

Further, the tool we were building was supposed to be a base tool. On that I was going to add some functionality specific to my dissertation, and the other student was going to focus on some new visualization techniques for the output of the tool. I'm not 100% sure yet, but from what I can tell, the way she wrote the tool....it doesn't actually work as I need it to for my dissertation. It works for hers. Just...not mine.

So, not only am I 6 weeks behind schedule. I may also be royally f***ed. Because if the tool cannot be modified...I'll have to make it for myself. From scratch. Starting now. When I was supposed to have it nearly 2 months ago.

So. There's a high level of anxiety. And I find myself wanting to just say f--- it all, and walk away. I'll just apply for jobs. I fold. But clearly not all of me wants that, or I'd have done it already.

Best for your Family

I was waiting in a doctor's office when I saw a news blurb on "Modern Families" and the new "Stay at Home Dad." The blurb was partially tied to a new movie coming out that's all about dads as primary child-carers. In it they interviewed two different stay-at-home dads to get their take. I only saw one dad's interview, but his words, and those of the interviewers framing the entire thing still ring in my ears.

Most poignantly, "I think you'll see a lot more families deciding to do what's best for their families." These words were from the dad, and echoed several times by the interviewers.

And by this, he meant, of course, that the "best" thing for families is to have a stay-at-home parent - whether that be mom, or dad.

I take offense at his choice of words, and what he implies.

First of all, I strongly believe most people are already doing what's "best for their families." We all want to be the best parents we can possibly be. I mean, Kids First, and all that is everywhere you look. Judgment free at every grocery store checkstand. Let's go ahead and recognize that most people are already choosing to do what's "best for their family" in their situation.

And let's go ahead and be clear - what's best for your family, may not be best for mine.

So while for this dad, the "best" thing was to have someone stay at home, I take issue with him suggesting that is the "best" for all families.

Because I can tell you - I thought like him once. Before we ever had sweet Wiggles we discussed at varying lengths our "ideal" or "best" scenarios for child-rearing. We both agreed that "best" was to have a stay-at-home parent, and we both agreed it would be whoever was earning less money. Or...supposing we were earning about the same or even the lower-earner made enough for us to all live on, then the one who disliked their job most would stay-at-home. Or some other criteria would be used. It was all very hypothetical - I was still in school after all.

Well. I'm still in school. In fact, Mr. Random went back to school. And for Wiggles' first year and a half or so of life, we juggled baby duties and student duties (and teaching duties for me) to make it all work. We were both stay-at-home and working-parents. It was tough. I'm glad we managed it. I really am. I think it really helped both of us bond with the little guy, helped our family grow strong together, and helped us really understand each others' position. Heck, we were both doing both jobs!

But I'll be honest. We'd reached a point of diminishing returns. When Wiggles was young, we could effectively study and work at home while sticking him in a bouncer or letting him crawl in a small baby-proofed space. But around 12 months of age, our little man started toddling all over and was into everything. And needed constant minding. And Mr. Random and I were staying up to wee hours to finish our work, which we could only begin after putting our little tyrant to bed for the night. We were both becoming exhausted, aggravated, frustrated, and just plain spent. We had little time for each other, or ourselves. Not to mention, we both wanted more for Wiggles. Our time minding him when he was awake was just that. We minded him. Sure I had ideas and pins on Pinterest and notions of educational and engaging activities I wanted to do with him. But I had no time. And hardly the energy. So once in a blue moon I'd manage something, but the day-in and day-out was very mundane, and starting to be quite boring for Wiggles. He loved going out so we'd try to do regular walks - but these often wound up more hurried than he'd like and never had any theme or other educational premise. Sure we'd read stories to him, but this was at his fancy and his attention was ever fleeting.

Finally, with Mr. Random student teaching and my teaching obligations, we reached a point where we could no longer physically juggle baby duties. There would be hours during the week we both needed to be out of the home. So very reluctantly and at the last moment, I finally conceded to look at daycares. And with a heavy heart and many tears, we put our sweet boy into a daycare setting. We signed him up for full time. Our sweet Precious Snowflake, cared for by strangers for approximately 37.5 hours every week. It felt wrong. It certainly felt like it wasn't the "best", but it was the best we could do.

You know what? It's The Best thing that we've done for our family. Wiggles loves going to school. He loves playing with other kids his ages, he loves his teachers, and I think most of all, he loves their activities! He gets to play with new toys and they teach him all kinds of things. His vocabulary took off at a stellar pace after starting school. He started being able to point to body parts and surprising us with the new things he's learned nearly every day. Best of all, we're not as exhausted and worn out from "minding" him, that now when we do have him - we really focus on having fun and playing with him. Which feels so much better than "minding," which induced a lot of guilt.

No, our weekends aren't filled with those activities I've pinned, but we usually do manage at least one adventure - even if it's just going to Costco (on a Sunday? That IS an Adventure) and enjoying a churro as a family. And yes, I do miss him a lot. But I also value the time we now have to work on our work. And the quality time we've re-captured as a family, and as the two of us after the little guy is in bed.

So. Mr. Stay-at-Home Dad. I want to commend you for doing what's best for your family. But I ask you - please don't deign to think that what's best for yours, is what's best for mine. Because we've found differently. And that's okay.

White Lies

It seems to be happening more often lately. I'll meet a random person in every-day life and when the circumstances are right we may end up making small talk. Sometimes it's more friendly. Sometimes it's completely random. For instance, this morning as I walked from where I park my car to my building (about .6 miles) I fell in behind a pretty young woman (probably a Sorority girl from her look, and probably about 22, but both are guesses), headed the same direction. She was walking a bit faster than I though, and soon I lost sight of her in the twists and turns of the pedestrian way we were walking on. I got the big intersection between that walkway and my building, and hurried across as the crosswalk sign counted down from 10 (10 seconds remaining). The woman was just on the other side and as we waited for the next crosswalk to turn, she turned to me and said,

"9am class?" (it was 9:15).

From her tone it was clear that she had a 9am class, and was quite sympathetic that I may be in her same position (late to class). And I was completely torn. Part of me wanted to lie and say yes! It would be the simplest thing. She'd feel happier someone else was in her shoes, and, more importantly, I wouldn't have to worry about explaining why I don't have a class but was still hurrying to school. I was "late." I mean, I try to get to my office by 9am...but this morning with Wiggles was one that ran long.

Instead I said, "No....."

And then the light turned and we were off across the street and then went separate directions.

But it got me thinking about how in similar situations, I try to find a white lie. Or at least avoid telling the whole truth. I would prefer to not tell random people that I am working on my Ph.D. Usually, if pressed, I'll start by saying I'm a student at University. If pressed further (for my "major" for instance), I'll tell them the appropriate department. And often that's followed up by, oh, how long until you graduate? Which I can answer honestly - and now is 1 more year (this was trickier when the answer was less clear - "oh, 2-4 years, depending..." elicited more than one raised eyebrow).

So why do avoid telling the whole truth? Simple. I used to. When asked what I do, I'd say I was a Ph.D. student at University. This was almost always met with a mixture of responses that ultimately would result in the person no longer wanting to talk to me. I think they felt "dumb".  It was always awkward and uncomfortable for all parties involved - especially when, God help them, they asked what my Ph.D. was about.

This all just leads me to wonder, what really my best response is. Is the white lie approach the best? I find myself slightly panicked and worrying about how to craft the lie every time I do it. How much do I reveal? And it's not really fair to the other person that I'm already assuming they can't handle knowing what I actually do.

By contrast, I recently went to an invitation to dinner with some friends my husband recently made at work. It was two other families, both with 2 kids each, and the youngest in each set was about the same age as my Wiggles. I should add that my husband works in educations - so these were an educated set of folks. When the conversation came around to what I do, I started off with my non-committal - oh I'm a student at ASU. But when they asked what program, I replied in full - Ph.D. in Department. Maybe it's because they used the word "program"? Maybe it's because I suspected they knew or would find out from Mr. Random anyway. In either case, the reaction was completely the opposite of what I expected. They were genuinely interested and respectful of what I'm doing! It was so nice!

So am I cheating myself and other people by being so hesitant to tell the full truth?

What do other PhD's do? I'm not alone in this, right?

Recent Reflections

I have often referred to myself as "soggy granola". By that I mean that I do follow some "hippy" or "organic" ideas...but not all. I do shave my legs. My son eats goldfish crackers (by the pound). I use Johnson & Johnson's baby soap. We used disposable diapers. But I also try to buy/provide more whole foods. Fresh or frozen fruits and veggies. Home-cooked meals. I made a lot of his baby food. I'm a big believer in breastfeeding and was neurotic about protecting my supply. So. I mean, pretty soggy I guess, but a little bit granola. 

Part of the reason I'm soggy (as opposed to crunchy) is the cost. To be a full out crunchy granola nut is expensive! It's just not an option for our budget right now. Another reason is Mr. Random. He's not really even granola. He's conscientious perhaps. He's maybe oatmeal, if that's close to granola, but not quite. He just doesn't buy into a lot of it. He did read a book that opened his eyes to the horror that is American Consumerism and a lot of environmental issues...but I guess it didn't translate to worrying about the horrors that could be in our food. Or clothing. Or our son's diapers. 

And you know what. I'm having a hard time deciding where to draw my lines. When does it realllly matter? Part of this came from deciding if I wanted to "pollute" our home with scented oil diffusers. I mean. Surely those aren't healthy...right? I tried Googling on the matter and felt like there was very little reputable information to be had. Most of the naysayers assuring me that putting these things in my home equals death...had a vested interest because they were selling "essential oils" which are supposed to be so much healthier and have healing properties. But. What's the difference really? One website even talked about how plugging the oils into an outlet is disrupting the molecules of the oil and so instead you should warm your oil using the natural heat of the sun.

Um.

I'm sorry. But what's reallllly the difference there? The heat from the sun is generated in a cosmically huge nuclear reaction. Sure it travels millions of miles to get here and then is filtered by our atmosphere and magnetosphere. But you're telling me that the energy from the sun is not going to disrupt the molecules...but the energy from my outlet is? 

I don't buy it. Energy is energy. If heating the oils by outlet is bad, so is heating them by the sun.

Others talk about the other chemicals used to aerosolize the oils. Ethanol is one. Acetone apparently can be another. And many wax on and on about how the industry is not regulated so all that has to be listed in the ingredient list is "fragrance" which can be any number of things. So instead, you should use essential oils and boil them on the stove.

Um.

Again. You're taking a "fragrance" product - sure, now we know exactly what's in it - and aerosolizing it using...well I'm not sure. Do I boil it in water? Oil and water don't mix. I doubt that would work. What is IN the essential oil then that allows it to boil and aerosolize? Is it just the oil itself burning off? How is that really any better? The oils themselves are chemical in nature. Are you telling me that that chemical is "healthy" and the ethanol is not. Maybe. I'm skeptical (can you tell) and further, don't think it's safer for my son to have a boiling pot of oil on the stove when I want a nice smell.

And that was the other common thread. Don't pollute your home to cover a smell - get rid of the smell! Well...I'm not trying to cover a smell. I just LIKE how these things smell. I want my home to smell like fresh cut flowers. And this is much cheaper than cutting fresh flowers every 3 days. What about that? It's like they don't even consider the possibility we LIKE how these things smell.

So. I bought some oil diffusers. I plugged one in in my office last night. It smelled alright in the store. I kinda hate how it smells at home. All that trouble. I probably should have just left it well enough alone.

Insight into Me, Myself, and I

My most recent counseling session was very informative and insightful, so I'd like to try to document some of it. And as this has basically replaced my journaling, here is the most likely place.

I came into the session with some pretty good insight from the previous week. In talking with Mr. Random about all the things I'd done this week to relieve my stress and how it felt like it hadn't made a dent (things like scrapbooking, hanging with friends) in my stress level. I realized that one of the biggest irritants/stress factors is my sweet little son's crying. And he's a toddler. So he fusses and cries...well, kind of a lot. He gets frustrated. Tired. Hungry. Doesn't want that. Doesn't want this. It's normal stuff. He doesn't even cry that much or that long, but when he does, it grates on my nerves like nails on a chalkboard. And I wind up very irritable and stressed and my patience for him wears very thing, very quickly. Which is one of the main reasons I sought out counseling again. I want to have more patience for him; he more than deserves it!

So. I realized before my session that a lot of the response to his crying has to do with his first 4 months of life which involved incessant, inconsolable crying as he had both reflux and colic. It's almost like a conditioned response or something.

What I came to learn in the session was that it's more than that. A big factor is that it takes me back to that time when I was kicking myself up and down the stairs for choosing a crappy pediatrician. And for not being able to help my son. And that I have a big nasty habit of this.

I'm super indecisive to begin with. And then when I make a decision, I value it good or bad based on the outcome. And if the outcome is good, I chalk it up to luck. If the outcome is bad, I fully blame myself.

No wonder I'm unhappy a lot of the time! No wonder I'm stressed out! I'm piling a mountain of guilt and blame onto myself. Often for things out of my control. 

So. That's what I'm working on. Identifying what I'm telling myself when I make decisions and learning that the outcome, especially if out of my control, has nothing to do with me or my decision. The part that matters is how I make the decision.