Furious George

I am beyond pissed off right now. The past several weeks and the next several weeks are a rather intense time for me in my PhD program. Admittedly, this is in part due to my personal choices, and as was rather pointedly clarified for me by a certain in-law, being in my PhD program at all is "personal choice." And apparently, because I've made such a choice, I have no room to complain. (BullShit ma'm, Bullshit. Everyone complains about their choices. Usually about the parts of their choice that are beyond their control. But THAT, is another post).

So, it is during this intense time that I have received, not one, but two letters from two separate family members. In short, these letters are essentially asking me (and Mr. R by proxy) to change our values and beliefs regarding our son to better accommodate these family members and their values and beliefs. OUR son.

I'm beyond pissed. And I just don't get it. I wouldn't be so angry if I didn't want our son to have a relationship with these people. After all, the "are family." This has been my mantra since before Mr. Random and I married - he doesn't quite share it and is ready to just not have a relationship with members of his family if they can't respect him and his wishes. (one of the letters is from his side, one from mine). I'm starting to get on his band-wagon, because this is ridiculous.

One letter basically says that they won't be told what they are and aren't allowed to do with regards to our son. That they have certain "privileges" on account of being a grandparent. Maybe we're weird in that we don't agree? We think that being the parent means we get to say what they can and cannot do with our son? (this is like...big things...like force-feeding a 9 month old cookies w/o checking first with his mother to see if (1) he can handle that food texture and (2) oh....if he might not have allergies or some other digestive issue that might mean you should CHECK before you give a BABY food. Just saying.) We're not saying she has to clear every little detail, which, of course, is what she'll do. If she even acquiesces. She indicated in her letter that this could "mean goodbye" to all three of us. SERIOUSLY? Whatever.

The other letter is from a sibling. This sibling is dating a person who abused and killed one of her cats. BRUTALLY. She continues to date this man. We have thus far made it clear in no uncertain terms we will not allow this man in our son's presence. I've had some people say, oh, as long as lots of people are around, what's he going to do? Well...considering he was abusing the cats in the sibling's presence and she didn't notice...he could do a lot. Not to mention, generally in large family gatherings a lot is going on and there are lots of opportunities for such subtle abuse to occur. We aren't comfortable risking it. Sorry. This person has demonstrated brutal violence against smaller defensive less creatures that "annoyed" him. Not. Going. To. Risk. It.

So the letter was actually from this man, and forwarded by the sibling and we're encouraged to re-evaluate our stance. After all, he went to 4 weeks of counseling. And he attached a "scholarly" article that suggests maybe violence to animals doesn't transfer to humans after all. I can't wait until I have the time to rip the article apart properly (it merely cites correlations, and has weak statistics for it at that) and perhaps find a few other articles that support our beliefs (that it may, in fact, not be safe to have him around a baby).

The bottom line is, WE'RE the parents! These are the kinds of things WE decide. Not them.

So furious.

It's that time of my life

Proposal writing. Sometimes a bitch. But am I very odd if it's sometimes exhilarating?

I wrote 1600 words today.

I hope it's not all crap.

I also held office hours, cooked dinner, ate dinner as a family, played with my baby, did 1 load of laundry and went on a walk with my family.

I think I'll call it a day. A good day even.

Family Planning

I've thought about this off and on lately. And after having a oh-$*&#-could-I-be-pregnant? moment and realizing that such a thing would at this point in time bring on a cold sweat and fill me with great terror, I feel safe in saying now is not quite the time for our next little baby. We are pretty sure we only want 2 and we thought the ideal spacing would be about 3 years apart. Which...puts having the next little one right about when I'm trying to start my new job - that is, assuming I get such a job upon graduating...and assuming I graduate "on time" to my current plan. A lot of assumptions! Either way, that doesn't seem wise.

So then we could have the little one sooner - say a 2.5 year spacing. Which would put me having the next little one...right around when I defend my dissertation (same assumptions as above). That wouldn't be so bad - except I'd also be going to job interviews either hugely pregnant or with a very new newborn. I'm not keen on either option. This is all, of course, if I get an academic job. I suppose an industry job might give a little more flexibility in the timing of interviews and such.

Which leaves me thinking about 4 years apart might not be so bad. Maybe we have the next little one after I finish my first academic year at this imaginary new job? That seems...reasonable. I really don't want them much further apart than that...

I just don't know.

I've found it

Certainly not my sole passion, but a passion none the less. Whenever the lottery starts getting astronomically large Mr. Random and I start to muse on what we'd do if we won. We'd have to buy tickets first, in order to win of course, so I suppose we should get on that. The lack of tickets does not impede our musing in the least though.

We're in pretty close agreement about most of it. I think the powerball is at $148 million right now? Anyway, we usually start by realizing we'd have to pay at least half in taxes. So to be on the safe side we estimate we get about 40% of whatever the total is. With that meager amount we start dividing it up.

Pay all our debts off first. The cars, our student loans...I guess that's it now! We used to include the house in that...but that is no longer ours! 

Then we'd invest half of that remainder - we'd be getting a financial advisor for sure...who may tell us our current schemes are foolish, I have no idea. If so I guess we'll re-evaluate. But we'd try to invest half of it so that we could hopefully live off the interest. I'm not entirely sure how much money you need to be in such a position...but it seems like that should be enough. We're not really looking to change much of our lifestyle - we'd still look for a nice but modest home...plan on keeping our cars, etc.

Then we'd gift some to family - our plan is to gift some to our parents and siblings under the condition they cannot ask us for any more money later and they get financial advising with the gift. If they still squander it - their loss, but they're not getting more from us. We're thinking enough to our parents that they can pay off their houses and retire comfortably and then probably "only" $50,000 to each sibling. We have quite a few. :) We have a nephew now too...I suppose he could get his own $50,000 - in a trust of sorts for when he turns 21 maybe. So, we'd gift our families.

Then. We'd travel. We'd like to take a year and just SEE and LIVE in the world. With all our debts paid, we could!

After that glorious year, I really think I'd finish my PhD and look for a teaching job. Money wouldn't matter as much for salary because we would have the interest but, I really like what I do. And it'd be nice to do it without the pressure of needing a high power high salary or something. Mr. Random isn't sure what he'd do - he might go into teaching too. Maybe he'd get a PhD in History. Maybe he'd be a stay-at-home Dad. At any rate, he'd have time to figure out what he'd like to do.  Maybe...he'd run our charity/charities.

The next part was where it always got fuzzy. We both agree we'd like to take a portion to start a charity. Now, I think we probably would each start our own. I can't remember if Mr. Random has a specific one in mind but I know I'd always cast around with the thought of a scholarship...of some sort. Right now, I think I might still start a scholarship fund for Graduate Students With Children. Because there's a distinct dearth of resources for us. But I never really feel passionate about any ideas.

I now know exactly what I'd want to look into. I'd want to start a non-profit that is focused on rape prevention. I feel really, really strongly about this one. Like, I kind of want to see if I can volunteer or do something now. Obviously, I don't have the funds to start anything. But that's what I would want to do with a chunk of the money. And, it's a little tricky - because this subject is so difficult for me. I would have a hard time doing a lot of the work - like the research on what works and doesn't for prevention and how to treat and best serve victims. That would be very difficult for me. But that's the beauty of setting up the non-profit - I could be the visionary that assembles the team that gets it done. They can dig into the details that I still don't have the mental ability to go through. And this team that I'm imagining, could actually make a difference.  

 

Where is all of this coming from? Someone revealed to me recently that she'd been raped - and it left me reeling. And horrified. And so full of HATE. I HATE that rape exists. It's not even hate toward the awful people that commit this crime, though that's there too. I just HATE that it even happens at all. And it hit me - hating it does nothing. In fact, if anything, it's just more negative energy in my life that I don't need. But this other idea that I have...that has a chance of doing something positive. Maybe helping people. And I really like the idea.

So. There it is. What I'd do with the lottery if I won. I'd certainly take some and invest and be smart. I'd certainly give some to our family. And I'd certainly take some to be selfish and travel and see the world with my husband and my son. And I would certainly find a way to try to make a positive difference in rape prevention.

Why I can't read/watch the news

A 1 year old boy was fatally shot in the head in what appears to have been an attempted home robbery. My heart wrenches. I have a 1 year old little boy. He was home with his grandmother at the time. I can only imagine what that poor woman felt as she rushed him to a neighbor and called 911. My heart is wrenched just thinking about it.

It's so heart breaking. And the little one did nothing wrong. The grandmother did nothing wrong. These two heartless men showed up with a gun and killed a little one. They did do something wrong, but I kind of doubt they feel it.

And now I understand why people might only have one child. When I was younger I never understood why people would stop at one. Having many younger brothers and sister might be a factor in that, but it never made sense to me. Now I can see one possible explanation. When you have a baby it's like a piece of your heart living outside you. And you can protect it. And you can nurture it. But ultimately, things will happen to it beyond your control. It's a risk. Because a part of you can be so easily hurt. It's terrifying to think of taking that risk again. And having your heart broken into multiple pieces...all vulnerable in the world.

I still think Wiggles' will benefit from having a sibling. And we still think we'd like to have another baby. But I'm definitely leaning toward only one more now. Instead of our two, maybe three kid philosophy I had before Wiggles. I just don't know if I'm strong enough to have more.

Things I worry about

Have you seen the movie Independence Day? Or any other movie that involves a massive evacuation from cities? Or thought about what happens during a major natural disaster? When the streets are impassible because of all the chaos and people trying to rush around?

Now, when thinking about those scenarios, have you ever thought about the parents separated from their children? What happens in that case?

Do daycare centers and schools have plans for this? I mean, suppose a massive evacuation is ordered. What's the plan? Bus the children home? The parents meet them at home and then evacuate as a family? Leave the children at school and the parents pick them up there? Evacuate the children themselves?

I wonder about these things. Am I paranoid and crazy or are there plans for this sort of thing?

Interface

I liked the dynamic interface - but there was no way to add back in my blog roll! And because I'm antiquated and haven't added these blogs to Google Reader...that blog roll is the only place I have the links to the blogs I like to read.

I may need to learn how to use Google Reader.