This was such fun while it lasted I wanted to write it down before I forgot.
On Sunday TH and I attended church. We rather like our church and after the service they have coffee, juice, fruit and pastries in the gym for everyone's consumption. As we were enjoying our morning goodies I looked up to the high, high ceiling and saw an air duct with a colorful appendage sticking out of it. It was rainbow striped and shaped like a long, narrow isoceles triangle. I'm not sure what put the image in my head, but once it was there I couldn't shake it. So I shared my happy revelry with BBBB.
"Look, up there! A dragon done hid in the ceiling there, but forgot to tuck in his tail!" And with that sentence it suddenly became real and only grew from there. The air system was humming - or was that the dragon purring? as he happily hung out in the rafters, unaware his presence had been observed. It was all going along swimmingly until TH confessed he'd never seen a dragon and wasn't at all convinced they purred or were cat-like in any other way.
Oh well...it was nice while it lasted. :)
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
Sex and Virginity
Did the title get your attention? My guess is it did. Sex sells. It pulls us in, even if we don't want to admit it. Recently, as in yesterday, TH and I had a rousing discussion about sex and virginity. With TH's new job at a bank we carpool in and out of town, which gives us some time for such discussions. This particular one started because TH had gotten his haircut before picking me up to go home (he'd gotten done earlier than I had and found the time) and while at the barber Tyra's talk show came on the TV. The topic of the show: Virginity.
There's a lot of importance placed on virginity, but I no longer agree that it deserves such importance. What is our obsession with it - our, meaning Americans? It seems that if you're an American male over a certain age, to still possess one's "virginity" is an embarrassment. But at the same time, for an American female to "lose" hers before marriage is still something of an abomination.
Why?
(I'm speaking specifically about American's because that is my experience, and I have some vague idea that this topic is addressed differently in other parts of the wolrd)
What is it that changes in a male when he has sex for the first time? Is he more manly? Does the process of intercourse actually physically change him in some way? Not that I'm aware of. Emotionally it might - but is that only because we've placed such emphasis on it? And for the females - sure, you could argue there's a physical change, supposing she still had an intact hymen at the time of her first sexual encounter. But I've read that only 1/3 of females will still be in such a physical condition - for most the hymen either dissolves or is otherwise "broken" through normal physical activity. So, for those 2/3's that find themselves in that situation, what physical change does the act of intercourse involve?
I've given a lot of thought over the years to this subject. I used to be one of the girls that was going to "save herself for marriage" and held Virginity in the highest esteem. It was critically important to me that both myself AND my future husband WAIT for marriage to experience this mysterious act called sex. This conviction was based on a lot of naive notions. For instance, at the time, I still thought that sex would be a magical, earth-shattering, orchestra-in-the-background, life-altering activity. I'm not saying I haven't had magical moments or heard an orchestra playing in my sexual encounters since - it's been great - but that first time...was not quite like that. It was enjoyable sure, but it was our first time. There's a bit of mechanics involved and when you get down to it sex is just messy and kind of weird. I didn't expect the mess - that definitely wasn't part of the magic I'd imagined. (see, naive, right?) I also expected to feel different afterwards. I didn't especially. I felt closer to my boyfriend, but not especially different in any way.
So did I save myself for marriage? No, I did not. And I am glad I did not. I think that doing so puts way more importance on the act than it deserves. And more pressure on the individuals in that relationship, which can cause other problems. That being said, I do still feel it's important to be in a committed relationship with someone you trust (there are way too many infectious diseases out there to drop your pants for just anyone) and for both partners to be "ready". By "ready" I mean emotionally prepared and not feeling pressured or trying to make someone love them, or not leave them.
So back to Virginity. I have since come to the conclusion that virginity in males is a foolish idea. They're still MEN even if they haven't had sex. And a 12 year old boy having sex certainly doesn't make him a MAN. For women, however; the idea of virginity can still make sense. Just not in the way most Americans view it. It is my opinion that every woman remains a virgin until her body is altered by the process of pregnancy and childbirth. Up until then, she's for all practical purposes, the same as before her first sexual encounter. Pregnancy and childbirth, however, enact real physical change and therefore, it is these physical processes that, in my opinion, truly mark the end of a woman's "virginity".
There's a lot of importance placed on virginity, but I no longer agree that it deserves such importance. What is our obsession with it - our, meaning Americans? It seems that if you're an American male over a certain age, to still possess one's "virginity" is an embarrassment. But at the same time, for an American female to "lose" hers before marriage is still something of an abomination.
Why?
(I'm speaking specifically about American's because that is my experience, and I have some vague idea that this topic is addressed differently in other parts of the wolrd)
What is it that changes in a male when he has sex for the first time? Is he more manly? Does the process of intercourse actually physically change him in some way? Not that I'm aware of. Emotionally it might - but is that only because we've placed such emphasis on it? And for the females - sure, you could argue there's a physical change, supposing she still had an intact hymen at the time of her first sexual encounter. But I've read that only 1/3 of females will still be in such a physical condition - for most the hymen either dissolves or is otherwise "broken" through normal physical activity. So, for those 2/3's that find themselves in that situation, what physical change does the act of intercourse involve?
I've given a lot of thought over the years to this subject. I used to be one of the girls that was going to "save herself for marriage" and held Virginity in the highest esteem. It was critically important to me that both myself AND my future husband WAIT for marriage to experience this mysterious act called sex. This conviction was based on a lot of naive notions. For instance, at the time, I still thought that sex would be a magical, earth-shattering, orchestra-in-the-background, life-altering activity. I'm not saying I haven't had magical moments or heard an orchestra playing in my sexual encounters since - it's been great - but that first time...was not quite like that. It was enjoyable sure, but it was our first time. There's a bit of mechanics involved and when you get down to it sex is just messy and kind of weird. I didn't expect the mess - that definitely wasn't part of the magic I'd imagined. (see, naive, right?) I also expected to feel different afterwards. I didn't especially. I felt closer to my boyfriend, but not especially different in any way.
So did I save myself for marriage? No, I did not. And I am glad I did not. I think that doing so puts way more importance on the act than it deserves. And more pressure on the individuals in that relationship, which can cause other problems. That being said, I do still feel it's important to be in a committed relationship with someone you trust (there are way too many infectious diseases out there to drop your pants for just anyone) and for both partners to be "ready". By "ready" I mean emotionally prepared and not feeling pressured or trying to make someone love them, or not leave them.
So back to Virginity. I have since come to the conclusion that virginity in males is a foolish idea. They're still MEN even if they haven't had sex. And a 12 year old boy having sex certainly doesn't make him a MAN. For women, however; the idea of virginity can still make sense. Just not in the way most Americans view it. It is my opinion that every woman remains a virgin until her body is altered by the process of pregnancy and childbirth. Up until then, she's for all practical purposes, the same as before her first sexual encounter. Pregnancy and childbirth, however, enact real physical change and therefore, it is these physical processes that, in my opinion, truly mark the end of a woman's "virginity".
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Do you need a reason?
Once upon a time BBBB asked me why I wanted to have children. It seemed like a simple enough question, but it surprised me by being difficult to answer. He was having a hard time finding a reason as well - he just felt he wanted to.
There are many reasons we're told are wrong reasons - to fix a marriage, because you're bored, etc. But what are the right reasons, really? I've toyed with the question off and on...asked several people I know, my mother included. Her answer was one I share - because they're fun. That's not to say they aren't a LOT of work. But babies and children can be fun. I had a new thought tonight as I pondered the question again.
Currently, my reasons for wanting to have a child or two (possibly 3) are this:
1. They really do seem fun. Holidays especially, are more fun with children around.
2. To make a direct and personal contribution to the future. (this was the new thought). Think about it - when you raise a kid, really raise them, you impart values and ideals. You help shape that person who will one day be a fuctioning member of society (one hopes). And as such a member, they will shape the future - and their own children, continuing the process. What more direct or personal way can we shape the future than by raising children?
3. I'm curious. This may not be the best reason, but it is true. I'm curious about the experience of pregnancy and childbirth. I am curious what our children would look like; be like. I wonder who they are and want to meet them.
4. I think there's a biological pull as well. Some instinctive force that melts my heart when I see a baby and reminds me that I'm getting older. :)
There are many reasons we're told are wrong reasons - to fix a marriage, because you're bored, etc. But what are the right reasons, really? I've toyed with the question off and on...asked several people I know, my mother included. Her answer was one I share - because they're fun. That's not to say they aren't a LOT of work. But babies and children can be fun. I had a new thought tonight as I pondered the question again.
Currently, my reasons for wanting to have a child or two (possibly 3) are this:
1. They really do seem fun. Holidays especially, are more fun with children around.
2. To make a direct and personal contribution to the future. (this was the new thought). Think about it - when you raise a kid, really raise them, you impart values and ideals. You help shape that person who will one day be a fuctioning member of society (one hopes). And as such a member, they will shape the future - and their own children, continuing the process. What more direct or personal way can we shape the future than by raising children?
3. I'm curious. This may not be the best reason, but it is true. I'm curious about the experience of pregnancy and childbirth. I am curious what our children would look like; be like. I wonder who they are and want to meet them.
4. I think there's a biological pull as well. Some instinctive force that melts my heart when I see a baby and reminds me that I'm getting older. :)
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Today I am sad
For a lot of different reasons really. But - especially because of financial reasons at the moment. We're still making it so far, that's not the issue. I was reading an article in the news about foreclosed homeowners (is that an oxymoron?) suing lenders for foreclosing on their homes. The comments at the end are what got me. Most of the people commenting seemed to be sick of the "lazy" people sitting on their fat-@$$es and getting bailed out. They suggest that people facing foreclosure are greedy and idiots and getting what they deserve - and if they really want to keep their house than they should just work harder. And if they're not willing to do that, then they shouldn't have bought a house they couldn't afford anyway.
Fine. I'm sure some of the millions facing foreclosure did bite off more than they could chew or chose to spend their money frivolously and now are unsure how to make ends meet.
But what about people like us? Yeah...we probably bought a bit more house than we should have. But we thought TH was going to get a higher paying job. And we thought I'd be done with school in a year, and then our income would double. We banked on an economy that tanked right as we needed it. True - we counted our chickens before they hatched, but despite that, we were making it work. TH didn't get the higher paying job - I got a job and then was fired the same day the economy tanked. And now I'm back in school - but all the while we were careful and made our mortgage on time. This past May TH was FIRED. Fired from his job for an incident in which he was assaulted and he's been told that if it had happened at any other time he would not have been fired for. So our primary income is gone. He's looking for jobs - but it's tough in this economy. I don't think anyone appreciates just how tough unless they're actually trying to find a job right now. I feel like most people still assume there are always a few jobs out there - you just have to go out and ask for them. Well - there are jobs out there, but there are way more job-seekers than jobs at this point. You can't just ask anymore - you have to ask faster and better than 10 other people for each job. The odds aren't in your favor - sure, you'll probably get a job eventually, but right now eventually could mean 5 months...that's a long time to go without substantial income.
So what does this mean? Do you think we're lazy and should just be working harder? Are we greedy? No one foresaw this economic bust - I don't care if you've "been saying it for years" or you "knew it was coming". Yeah - we all KNOW that a big earthquake will hit LA - but do you know when? Do you know exactly where in LA? Do you know HOW it will strike? No. Without that kind of specific information your predictions are useless - and we bought a house at a time when we had no reason to believe the house would be worth less than half what we paid in just 2 years. At the time we bought EVERYONE was saying it'd be a great investment - it should only increase in value, even in just 5 short years. So what are we supposed to do? It IS worth half what we owe. It looks like it will take much longer than 5 years to get BACK to the value we bought it at.
Yet we're still making our mortgage...but we don't know for how much longer. Foreclosure is a real possibility unless TH can find work reasonably soon. If it does come to foreclosure...really America? Is it entirely our fault? Are we a bunch of lazy sob's getting what we asked for? What we deserve?
Fine. I'm sure some of the millions facing foreclosure did bite off more than they could chew or chose to spend their money frivolously and now are unsure how to make ends meet.
But what about people like us? Yeah...we probably bought a bit more house than we should have. But we thought TH was going to get a higher paying job. And we thought I'd be done with school in a year, and then our income would double. We banked on an economy that tanked right as we needed it. True - we counted our chickens before they hatched, but despite that, we were making it work. TH didn't get the higher paying job - I got a job and then was fired the same day the economy tanked. And now I'm back in school - but all the while we were careful and made our mortgage on time. This past May TH was FIRED. Fired from his job for an incident in which he was assaulted and he's been told that if it had happened at any other time he would not have been fired for. So our primary income is gone. He's looking for jobs - but it's tough in this economy. I don't think anyone appreciates just how tough unless they're actually trying to find a job right now. I feel like most people still assume there are always a few jobs out there - you just have to go out and ask for them. Well - there are jobs out there, but there are way more job-seekers than jobs at this point. You can't just ask anymore - you have to ask faster and better than 10 other people for each job. The odds aren't in your favor - sure, you'll probably get a job eventually, but right now eventually could mean 5 months...that's a long time to go without substantial income.
So what does this mean? Do you think we're lazy and should just be working harder? Are we greedy? No one foresaw this economic bust - I don't care if you've "been saying it for years" or you "knew it was coming". Yeah - we all KNOW that a big earthquake will hit LA - but do you know when? Do you know exactly where in LA? Do you know HOW it will strike? No. Without that kind of specific information your predictions are useless - and we bought a house at a time when we had no reason to believe the house would be worth less than half what we paid in just 2 years. At the time we bought EVERYONE was saying it'd be a great investment - it should only increase in value, even in just 5 short years. So what are we supposed to do? It IS worth half what we owe. It looks like it will take much longer than 5 years to get BACK to the value we bought it at.
Yet we're still making our mortgage...but we don't know for how much longer. Foreclosure is a real possibility unless TH can find work reasonably soon. If it does come to foreclosure...really America? Is it entirely our fault? Are we a bunch of lazy sob's getting what we asked for? What we deserve?
Monday, June 15, 2009
A Modest Proposal
There are a LOT of piss-poor drivers out there. A lot. And, unfortunately, it seems that most often these bad drivers are also driving large vehicles. This correlation is downright distressing. And dangerous.
What I propose is this: we make driver testing mandatory, every 2 years. Both written and performance. And then have tests to qualify for a specific class of vehicle. To start, you get to drive a smart car, or similar sized vehicle. If, after 2 years, you've got a clean record of no accidents (that were your fault) and you can pass the test again, then you can test for a larger class vehicle. But you will have to continue to qualify to drive that larger vehicle every 2 years.
What's that? Your lifestyle requires you drive a truck? THEN LEARN TO DRIVE IT RESPONSIBLY!!!! Because quite frankly, in your current incapable hands that "truck" is a multi-ton killing machine. A weapon, with some added features like space to carry passengers and cargo.
What I propose is this: we make driver testing mandatory, every 2 years. Both written and performance. And then have tests to qualify for a specific class of vehicle. To start, you get to drive a smart car, or similar sized vehicle. If, after 2 years, you've got a clean record of no accidents (that were your fault) and you can pass the test again, then you can test for a larger class vehicle. But you will have to continue to qualify to drive that larger vehicle every 2 years.
What's that? Your lifestyle requires you drive a truck? THEN LEARN TO DRIVE IT RESPONSIBLY!!!! Because quite frankly, in your current incapable hands that "truck" is a multi-ton killing machine. A weapon, with some added features like space to carry passengers and cargo.
Monday, June 8, 2009
The Baby "Thing"
So - I was on Facebook, looking at suggestions of people I might know, when I noticed that a lot of them were people from high school that I either lost track of, or never really knew that well. And then I noticed, nearly all of their profile pictures were of them with kids. I turn 26 this year. And I feel like most of my peers are either already parents, or well on their way, ie pregnant. Then I start to feel panicked. We had been on that track, until the husband was fired. Now it's out of the question until he gets settled into a job and we have health insurance again. The trouble is, I don't know when that'll be. And I go back and forth. Sometimes I feel so ready and so behind and want to have a baby as soon as possible. But other times, I think I'm still young, and there are so many things we can do now that will be difficult with a child. And honestly, sometimes, I feel like I wouldn't know what to do with one should we have it...so, maybe waiting awhile longer is fine. I don't know - I just hate feeling like I'm doing the wrong thing, or missing out on what's important. A lot of those people never left my hometown - and I used to think that it was a bit sad. I mean, here I am, over a thousand miles from where I was born, and making it totally on my own (well, with the husband of course). And I know we've both grown so much from this journey - but at what cost?
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