I missed my Twice on Tuesday! Jeeze, that's not a very auspicious beginning, is it?
Oh well - better late than never in this case! (and most cases probably)
And, I get to include something else wonderful - our rainy/windy/stormy weather that we had today! Living in a predominately sunny climate makes me appreciate the "dismal" weather even more. So I'm a happy camper.
Today I'm thankful for health insurance and counseling services on campus. It makes things possible that otherwise, quite frankly, would be un-affordable- important things like doctor's visits and counseling sessions. And I'll stop there because otherwise I'll get all upset about the state of health in America. :)
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Saturday, April 2, 2011
It is time
I'm going to make a counseling appointment on Monday. I'd have made it today if it wasn't the weekend. This has nothing to do with my previous post and everything to do with feeling down in the dumps and realizing this is/has been a long-term problem. I have good days and bad days, but most days really have been blah. Mr. Random has the same issues and this is causing severe strain on our marriage. I hope he will follow my lead and make an appointment as well. Because I don't think he's been happy....well, probably for 5 years+ now.
There are several factors I think - that have gotten us where we are today. I feel like I was looking over all the decisions we've made as a couple and as individuals over the past 5 years and...while every decision was made in good faith with a (probably misplaced) hope that each decision would have a positive outcome...I now feel we've nearly boxed ourselves into misery. We don't have a strong support network at all. We have few friends down here, and the good friends we had no longer have time for us - partly because when we moved after losing the house we moved roughly 30 miles away from where they live. But also, we've never had a good track record with making and keeping friends. We're not sure why. Maybe we're smelly? It doesn't really matter, the point is - we don't have many friends. All of our family live far away - the closest is a sister who lives a 6-10 hour drive away (depending on traffic) but with gas prices as they are....we don't see each other much anymore. Also, Mr. Random is not at all close to his family, and I can see why. So...we're kind of on our own out here.
and we just went done had a baby. Yeah. I thought we were about as "ready" as a couple can be for such an endeavor that I think you can never really be ready for. I'm thinking now that we were not at all ready. With no support network in place and the fact that we both have been struggling to find happiness...well...it probably wasn't the best timing. Don't get me wrong - I love Wiggles and don't regret him for a minute...but it can't be denied that the stress of a baby has had some seriously negative consequences on Mr. Random and my relationship and our own individual happiness. Especially as we have such a limited network. We literally know 2 people we can ask to babysit. And they're both really busy right now. Which means we've gone on exactly 3 dates in the past 7 months. And I think we've had intimate relations about that many times too.
So, that's all a problem. Further, we have some serious money stresses/struggles, which is a major problem for couples all over I'm sure. But we've had money struggles, so far, for our entire marriage. I end up feeling like it's my fault, but I'm pretty sure Mr. Random feels our current struggles are his fault. Ultimately, one big problem is that I've been a poor grad student for 5 years now. And that takes a serious toll - because I'm busy, and can't do all the housework myself, and yet I make piddlings for my time. Meanwhile....Mr. Random had his life force sucked dry working jobs he hated to attempt to pay the bills. All while I got to pursue my little dreams in grad school. Ugh.
Basically, I really really feel right now, that if I could go back knowing what I know now...I'd do it different. And that's never a good feeling. I would not have bought that God-forsaken house for starters. Actually - I'd go further back. I think I should have given up this foolish notion of being a scientist and gone instead for pharmacy. I understand you can make good $$ in the profession, I loved chemistry as an undergrad, and actually kind of enjoy tedious, detailed work. And. I'd be done with my schooling already. 4 years pre-pharm, 4 years of pharmacy school - I'd be done and making the big $$ by now. And I hear could go to part time when I had the little kidlet, which sounds like a perfect situation to me at this point. And I could probably be supporting our family while Mr. Random works out what he wants to do with himself (he still doesn't really know). and aaaghhh! It just seems like such a better idea from where I sit. I really feel like I would go back and knock some sense into my 19 year old head if I could.
Which I normally never feel that way - because who knows how things would have turned out? That's such a different path...it's entirely possibly I could be married to someone else...divorced....or otherwise equally unhappy. And it's entirely possible little Wiggles wouldn't have come to be...and that's a sad, sad thought.
At any rate, I am not currently presented the opportunity to change the past. So I need to focus on positive changes in the present...so that hopefully we can all have a happier future. And I think that starts with counseling. And getting my butt in gear to graduate ASAP - I think that's still the best idea. I've been entertaining the idea all morning that I should quit and get a "real" job now to solve the money situation sooner than later. We could even move - I could find a job closer to family to help with the support network issue! But that sounds like a kind of dumb idea....right? I mean, it would kind of make all the past years of suffering....well....for nothing. Right?
There are several factors I think - that have gotten us where we are today. I feel like I was looking over all the decisions we've made as a couple and as individuals over the past 5 years and...while every decision was made in good faith with a (probably misplaced) hope that each decision would have a positive outcome...I now feel we've nearly boxed ourselves into misery. We don't have a strong support network at all. We have few friends down here, and the good friends we had no longer have time for us - partly because when we moved after losing the house we moved roughly 30 miles away from where they live. But also, we've never had a good track record with making and keeping friends. We're not sure why. Maybe we're smelly? It doesn't really matter, the point is - we don't have many friends. All of our family live far away - the closest is a sister who lives a 6-10 hour drive away (depending on traffic) but with gas prices as they are....we don't see each other much anymore. Also, Mr. Random is not at all close to his family, and I can see why. So...we're kind of on our own out here.
and we just went done had a baby. Yeah. I thought we were about as "ready" as a couple can be for such an endeavor that I think you can never really be ready for. I'm thinking now that we were not at all ready. With no support network in place and the fact that we both have been struggling to find happiness...well...it probably wasn't the best timing. Don't get me wrong - I love Wiggles and don't regret him for a minute...but it can't be denied that the stress of a baby has had some seriously negative consequences on Mr. Random and my relationship and our own individual happiness. Especially as we have such a limited network. We literally know 2 people we can ask to babysit. And they're both really busy right now. Which means we've gone on exactly 3 dates in the past 7 months. And I think we've had intimate relations about that many times too.
So, that's all a problem. Further, we have some serious money stresses/struggles, which is a major problem for couples all over I'm sure. But we've had money struggles, so far, for our entire marriage. I end up feeling like it's my fault, but I'm pretty sure Mr. Random feels our current struggles are his fault. Ultimately, one big problem is that I've been a poor grad student for 5 years now. And that takes a serious toll - because I'm busy, and can't do all the housework myself, and yet I make piddlings for my time. Meanwhile....Mr. Random had his life force sucked dry working jobs he hated to attempt to pay the bills. All while I got to pursue my little dreams in grad school. Ugh.
Basically, I really really feel right now, that if I could go back knowing what I know now...I'd do it different. And that's never a good feeling. I would not have bought that God-forsaken house for starters. Actually - I'd go further back. I think I should have given up this foolish notion of being a scientist and gone instead for pharmacy. I understand you can make good $$ in the profession, I loved chemistry as an undergrad, and actually kind of enjoy tedious, detailed work. And. I'd be done with my schooling already. 4 years pre-pharm, 4 years of pharmacy school - I'd be done and making the big $$ by now. And I hear could go to part time when I had the little kidlet, which sounds like a perfect situation to me at this point. And I could probably be supporting our family while Mr. Random works out what he wants to do with himself (he still doesn't really know). and aaaghhh! It just seems like such a better idea from where I sit. I really feel like I would go back and knock some sense into my 19 year old head if I could.
Which I normally never feel that way - because who knows how things would have turned out? That's such a different path...it's entirely possibly I could be married to someone else...divorced....or otherwise equally unhappy. And it's entirely possible little Wiggles wouldn't have come to be...and that's a sad, sad thought.
At any rate, I am not currently presented the opportunity to change the past. So I need to focus on positive changes in the present...so that hopefully we can all have a happier future. And I think that starts with counseling. And getting my butt in gear to graduate ASAP - I think that's still the best idea. I've been entertaining the idea all morning that I should quit and get a "real" job now to solve the money situation sooner than later. We could even move - I could find a job closer to family to help with the support network issue! But that sounds like a kind of dumb idea....right? I mean, it would kind of make all the past years of suffering....well....for nothing. Right?
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Feeling Petty
and I don't like it.
I am 27 years old. I've been married for nearly 5 years. I bought a house. I lost that house - primarily due to my husband (the bread-winner as it were) losing his job. I just had my first baby, and we all three live in an apartment, that is pretty nice, but no house. And is half the size our house was, so we gave away a lot of things and are pretty cramped here with the rest. Most of the time, I still feel very lucky and happy with our situation. We can still have some nice things, buy healthy food in enough quantity that we're never hungry, and we've been able to take some pretty great vacations.
But every now and then...I feel envious of others my age. Especially those that waited until after the housing bubble burst and are just now purchasing their first homes. For a LOT less than we bought our house for. And with a much greater income. They're just in such a better situation financially. And it feels like a little stab to the heart. I want to be happy for them, but there's always a little bitterness too.
And then...there's my cousin. She's 21. She's married, for just over 1 year. She has no college education, neither does her husband. They're expecting their first baby. And they're, apparently, attempting to buy their first house. This particular situation strikes my heart a bit stronger than the others. For several reasons. For one thing, they're so much younger. For another, they are not as well educated as my husband or I, and consequently work very entry-level jobs. My cousin works at a fast food restaurant and the husband works at a big box store as a sales guy. And, apparently, she's still on her parent's medical insurance.
So, my first thought is How?! How on EARTH can they afford a house? My next thought is that they're getting help from their parents. And this frustrates the hell out of me. And then that frustrates me because I feel like I ought to just be happy for them. But I mean, come on! Mr. Random and I have been on our own financially since we got married. Before we got married even. When we were about their age. Since then we moved 1000 miles from home, we rented apartments, bought our cars, bought our house, lost our house, and are now taking a boatload of student loans to live off of. All on our own. We pay our own medical insurance, car insurance, life insurance, renter's insurance. All our own bills. And...honestly, that's as it should be! I feel that if you're mature enough to marry, you should be mature enough to provide for yourselves financially. I realize these are hard economic times (I DO, first hand, believe me!) but that doesn't change the fact that you should be buying your own insurance and paying your own bills. And especially if you're having a baby, you should be financially independent first!
I guess it doesn't always work that way, and if you're parents can help you out...well, why not, right? I guess I just feel frustrated that we tried so hard to do it all on our own - and had it blow up in our faces due to circumstance beyond our control (some of it was within our control, but ultimately a lot of it wasn't) and it feels like other people, like my cousin, aren't even trying to do it on their own. And they're better off for it! It just seems like it shouldn't work that way.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Twice on Tuesday
I have good news. Something "clicked" or "switched" in my brain and I'm out of the funk I was in for the last several weeks. I was doing a lot of thinking and soul searching over the weekend and I remember having an epiphany conversation with myself in my head...but don't remember what the epiphany was! All I know is that after that - the world seemed a little brighter and life seemed a little more manageable. I think it's too soon to say I'm out of the woods completely, but I'm definitely feeling a lot better. And I'm so glad for it. And thankful! Though I would like to remember what the epiphany was! And, while my attitude and mindset is 100% better, my productivity....is not much increased as of yet. But now it's not for lack of motivation...it's because I enjoy spending Wiggle's waking hours with him...and he's been more awake lately. We need to get back to long naps Little Buddy! 20 minute naps don't afford much productivity.
So, in the vein of improved mental state, I want to start a Twice on Tuesday as a regular post. I'm stealing the idea from Aisha's Three Beautiful Things Thursday's. (hope you don't mind!) But I've definitely found in the past that taking the time to note something good or positive in my life helps me feel more good or positive about life, so I want to start making the effort regularly. So every Tuesday I'll count my blessings twice by thinking about them and then also posting them here...thus...Twice on Tuesday.
1. I love the view from our apartment balcony. It looks out over a courtyard that has green grass and green leafy trees whose canopies is right at our balcony level. It makes it feel like we live in a treehouse when I look out the big glass door. I love it!
2. While the constant sun gets a bit monotonous...I am also thankful to live in such a cheery, bright environment. I <3 light!
3. Wiggles may not be napping very well, but he's doing a very good job at sleeping during the night now. And I am so, so, so, so thankful for it. And I'm doing better at going to bed at a reasonable hour - my milk supply wasn't keeping up with the short nights, so it's necessary.
4. I'm so thankful for a wonderful partner. Mr. Random is a good husband and a good father and I'm so glad to have someone I can trust completely with Wiggles by my side.
5. And finally, I'm glad that Dodge Vipers still make me giddy as a school girl. I saw one while driving into school today and just about had to fan myself. I don't know what it is but they get my heart racing!! So thank goodness for Dodge Vipers. :)
So, in the vein of improved mental state, I want to start a Twice on Tuesday as a regular post. I'm stealing the idea from Aisha's Three Beautiful Things Thursday's. (hope you don't mind!) But I've definitely found in the past that taking the time to note something good or positive in my life helps me feel more good or positive about life, so I want to start making the effort regularly. So every Tuesday I'll count my blessings twice by thinking about them and then also posting them here...thus...Twice on Tuesday.
1. I love the view from our apartment balcony. It looks out over a courtyard that has green grass and green leafy trees whose canopies is right at our balcony level. It makes it feel like we live in a treehouse when I look out the big glass door. I love it!
2. While the constant sun gets a bit monotonous...I am also thankful to live in such a cheery, bright environment. I <3 light!
3. Wiggles may not be napping very well, but he's doing a very good job at sleeping during the night now. And I am so, so, so, so thankful for it. And I'm doing better at going to bed at a reasonable hour - my milk supply wasn't keeping up with the short nights, so it's necessary.
4. I'm so thankful for a wonderful partner. Mr. Random is a good husband and a good father and I'm so glad to have someone I can trust completely with Wiggles by my side.
5. And finally, I'm glad that Dodge Vipers still make me giddy as a school girl. I saw one while driving into school today and just about had to fan myself. I don't know what it is but they get my heart racing!! So thank goodness for Dodge Vipers. :)
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Morose
So I just had a big exam and in truth, I did not prepare for it very well. I really didn't. I only read about half of the papers I should have and half-assed my reading of many of the ones I did actually "read". I barely prepped for the exam. It's a 2 parter - this exam - and I just did the written part. The oral part is coming up in 2 weeks. Advisor has given me some feedback on the written part and the general consensus is that I passed...but it was a low pass.
And I feel morose.
Mr. Random is kind of annoyed by this - his points out that considering my amount of prep work, a pass at all is a good thing. He has a point. So why am I so morose? Is it because I didn't pass with my usual Gold Star Standard? Maybe. But I'm also a bit concerned at why I was so unmotivated to prep. And why I continue to be fairly unmotivated. Am I just overwhelmed? Or is this postpartum depression? Or something else entirely?
I'm not sure...but I've been in this funk for about a week at least....maybe longer but I've really noticed it the past several days. If it doesn't end soon I'm going to have to go talk to someone...
And I feel morose.
Mr. Random is kind of annoyed by this - his points out that considering my amount of prep work, a pass at all is a good thing. He has a point. So why am I so morose? Is it because I didn't pass with my usual Gold Star Standard? Maybe. But I'm also a bit concerned at why I was so unmotivated to prep. And why I continue to be fairly unmotivated. Am I just overwhelmed? Or is this postpartum depression? Or something else entirely?
I'm not sure...but I've been in this funk for about a week at least....maybe longer but I've really noticed it the past several days. If it doesn't end soon I'm going to have to go talk to someone...
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Ours to Borrow
I've been thinking a lot lately about children and parenting and how it all fits together. I think one of the easiest mistakes to make as a parent is assuming that your child is yours to keep, when, in fact, they are only ours to borrow. And for such a short time. I feel like there's more there and it's a good idea, but it hasn't fully developed yet so that's all I'll say for now. My memory isn't what it was so I wanted to jot that bit down before I forgot!
This upcoming week I'll be partaking in a right of passage known as Comprehensive Exams. I'm pretty sure most PhD programs have something similar...but I could be wrong about that. It's a major milestone in the program and kind of a big deal. I've been "preparing" for it since January. Or...at least that's the theory. I've had all kinds of papers to read and thoughts to think in preparation...but honestly...I've probably only done half of what was "assigned" or "recommended". Ugh. I'm just not as motivated as I need to be. I feel tired all the time and am a pretty slow reader, so the huge stack of papers to read has been rather burdensome. And now it's crunch time. The weekend before the exam - probably time to at least attempt to read some of the half that are unread. And I feel blah about it. It's not despair really. Not stress or anxiety exactly. More just...tired. Really, really tired. And so here I am blogging instead. Sigh.
Back to the reading!
This upcoming week I'll be partaking in a right of passage known as Comprehensive Exams. I'm pretty sure most PhD programs have something similar...but I could be wrong about that. It's a major milestone in the program and kind of a big deal. I've been "preparing" for it since January. Or...at least that's the theory. I've had all kinds of papers to read and thoughts to think in preparation...but honestly...I've probably only done half of what was "assigned" or "recommended". Ugh. I'm just not as motivated as I need to be. I feel tired all the time and am a pretty slow reader, so the huge stack of papers to read has been rather burdensome. And now it's crunch time. The weekend before the exam - probably time to at least attempt to read some of the half that are unread. And I feel blah about it. It's not despair really. Not stress or anxiety exactly. More just...tired. Really, really tired. And so here I am blogging instead. Sigh.
Back to the reading!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
So Tired
I have developed a bad habit. A bad habit of staying up way too late and going to bed between 11pm and 12am. Sometimes even later. And it's starting to wear on me.
How does this happen? Well, once we get Wiggles down for the night (usually by 8-8:30pm) then it's like we've been given a golden ticket. Both Mr. Random and I feel like those hours after he's down are our most productive. We don't have to operate in 2-3 hour intervals around Wiggles' schedule. We can just DO whatever it is we've been wanting to do. Most often it's homework. But sometimes it's watching a movie together or cleaning or I don't even know what! But every night I start out with the intention of going to bed by 9:30pm and every night I am surprised to look at the clock and see it's already 11pm.
Does this happen to anyone else? And you'd think this would help me have more time for things...but it doesn't seem to. And it sure makes it difficult to get up with Wiggles in the morning...
How does this happen? Well, once we get Wiggles down for the night (usually by 8-8:30pm) then it's like we've been given a golden ticket. Both Mr. Random and I feel like those hours after he's down are our most productive. We don't have to operate in 2-3 hour intervals around Wiggles' schedule. We can just DO whatever it is we've been wanting to do. Most often it's homework. But sometimes it's watching a movie together or cleaning or I don't even know what! But every night I start out with the intention of going to bed by 9:30pm and every night I am surprised to look at the clock and see it's already 11pm.
Does this happen to anyone else? And you'd think this would help me have more time for things...but it doesn't seem to. And it sure makes it difficult to get up with Wiggles in the morning...
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