Thursday, October 14, 2010

Rough Day...Week...Month...Life

I'm just going to go ahead and say it, being a new mom has been rough.  I love Wiggles and we have some great moments together.  His little smile always melts my heart.  But his cry has frayed my nerves.  And I'm so sleep deprived I can't even tell that I'm tired any more. of the night time feedings when I notice that I'm literally twitching trying to stay upright...then I think I might be tired.  But the rest of the time I guess it's just my new "normal".  And I'm too tired to know better than to write this all in.

I feel like I shouldn't be so tired.  I feel like I shouldn't be so frustrated.  I feel like a failure.

But here are the facts: Wiggles has reflux.  That complicates life.  Think about this: Upon waking, I check his diaper - 5 minutes, I re-swaddle him - 2 minutes, and then I feed him, now only on one side to slow down his consumption and help with the reflux.  This mean he eats for about 40 minutes.  Fine.  After eating, we burp ever so gently, but get that burp out lady!, and then I need to hold him upright for 30 minutes.  The little guy has now been awake for just over an hour.  And quite often, he's tired by that time.  If we're lucky, we might get about 20 minutes of play time.  But very quickly he becomes overtired.

And we often have mornings like this morning.  We woke up at 7:30am.  After his last 1.5 hour "nap" of the "night".  We did the routine I outlined above.  And he was awake after the 30 minutes, and happy, though yawning.  I should have paid attention to the yawning, and just put him back down.  But he was being really cute, and I really, really, really wanted to get a picture of him in a cute outfit he got from Grandma that he's almost outgrown but never worn because I want to get the picture, dang it!  So, we did that.  Just 10 minutes of fun...but it was 10 minutes too long.  Because we spent the next 2.5 hours crying.  Yes we.  He was crying.  I was crying.  He just would not soothe, despite my best efforts.  And he just got more tired.  And finally hungry again.  And more wet diapers.  And then he'd almost be asleep, but wake himself up straining to poop.  Or fart.  He hasn't pooped in awhile actually.

So not only does Wiggles have reflux.  But he's had a lot of trouble getting food out the other end too (ie poop) AND he has colic.  The definition is apparently if one spends at least 3 hours/day soothing to prevent crying, 3 days a week, for 3 weeks or longer.  I laughed when I read that.  At least 3 hours/day?  If we have ONLY 3 hours/day of soothing to prevent's a GOOD day.  At least 3 days a week?  Haha, try 7 days a week sir.  And it's been since his first week of life basically.  So roughly 6 weeks here.  No wonder I'm tired.

And I'm just so frustrated.  Everything I've read.  Everything I can find out.  Everything the doctors tell me, say that I'm doing everything I can.  I'm doing right.  My mom, who's flown out twice now to help out, also said she thinks I'm doing really well.  I needed to hear that.  It helps a little.  But it still feels so frustrating.  If I'm doing all that I can...why does he still cry so much?  Why can't he just sleep?

And it does NOT help that I have friends who had babies right around the same time.  "Good" babies (though I hate that terminology for this sense) that actually sleep.  Babies they had to wake up to feed.  Good grief I wonder what it'd be like to have a baby that sleeps!  Regularly!  For more than 20 minutes at a shot.  Who sleeps enough that I could shower regularly.  Or at least pee in the morning and afternoon so I don't wind up holding it for 4 hours past the time I had to "go".  Or so that I can poop in peace without feeling like I've abandoned the screaming child...

And then.  I get angry.  And judgmental.  I mean, these other moms had C-sections!  C-SECTIONS.  Could we get any more intervention than that?  Wiggles was born DRUG FREE!  And yet...he's the baby with so much trouble.  And their babies just snooze away?  It seems so unfair.

And then...I feel guilty.  About...everything.  I mean, he's fussy, but he's here.  He's alive.  He's adorable.  He's ours.  Not everyone gets to experience parenthood.  And I feel guilty for feeling like life is unfair.  I feel guilty for judging my friends.  I feel guilty for wishing Wiggles was something other than what he is.  I feel guilty for wanting him to sleep so that I can...I don't something.   Or scrapbook.  Or work on an abstract that's due in a week.  I feel guilty that I'm not enjoying being the stay-at-home mom more.  Mr. Random would love to have this gig...

Which, by the way, he's still Super-Dad.  It's just that he's working full time, and extra Saturdays (not his choice)'s just me and Wiggles a lot of the time.  Plus I'm still breast-feeding and it's hard to find time to pump with such a needy yeah.

And that's all I have time for.  But I wanted to get this out...and I feel marginally better.

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About this Blog

I have a journal. You know, the real kind...paper, bound in a book form...nice leather cover. And I do write in it...every few months. I like it, but somehow I find it hard to keep up regularly. I'm at a computer nearly all the time, so I find it easier to keep up on this blog. So, that's what this blog is for. To help me journal when I'm away from my journal. A place to collect my thoughts before I lose them to the chaos of my mind.

Or see my first post here. That's why I started this blog.