Friday, September 7, 2012

Fuzzy Logic

I've been having epiphanies about what I really, truly at the fundamental level believe.

One of these deeply rooted beliefs is one of my biggest obstacles to happiness. I seem to have a superstitious view - I genuinely believe that if I'm too happy for too long...something terrible will happen. Like someone-I-love-will-die-terrible. 

The rational side of my brain can see how this makes no sense. Logically, in my head, I can make the statement that my being happy has no control or effect on someone else dying. Unless I do something to directly cause the Tragic Event - it's not my fault.

But I can't believe that.

For example - today has been a GREAT day. A really awesome Friday. It started overcast, rainy, and in the 70' just the kind of weather I love. I made it to my class on time (I was worried because of the rain) and had a really great lab session - great students, funny banter, some good one-on-one enlightenment which I love. Just a great morning.

It kept going. I went and had my allergy follow up appointment, which was fine, and then found out that I'm going to be unexpectedly paid $1000 for work I was already doing for free. What a boon!

THEN, I get a call from our property manager and we're getting a $150 rent credit for all the problems we've had with the AC going out this summer! Thank you!

All of this should have me soaring higher than a kite - and I was for moments today. And I still kind of am...but my kite is anchored with a heavy pressing weight of anxiety. It literally presses on my chest. And more than once today, I've found myself wondering when the other shoe will drop. As each great thing added to an already great morning...I'm filled with increasing dread that something increasingly terrible is waiting in the wings.

It doesn't help that my dad had a stroke at the beginning of the summer. And then a possible TIA just last week. 

I think if I could shake this unswerving belief that somehow my personal happiness is going to somehow cause personal tragedy...I'd be a lot happier.

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About this Blog

I have a journal. You know, the real kind...paper, bound in a book form...nice leather cover. And I do write in it...every few months. I like it, but somehow I find it hard to keep up regularly. I'm at a computer nearly all the time, so I find it easier to keep up on this blog. So, that's what this blog is for. To help me journal when I'm away from my journal. A place to collect my thoughts before I lose them to the chaos of my mind.

Or see my first post here. That's why I started this blog.