Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Insight into Me, Myself, and I

My most recent counseling session was very informative and insightful, so I'd like to try to document some of it. And as this has basically replaced my journaling, here is the most likely place.

I came into the session with some pretty good insight from the previous week. In talking with Mr. Random about all the things I'd done this week to relieve my stress and how it felt like it hadn't made a dent (things like scrapbooking, hanging with friends) in my stress level. I realized that one of the biggest irritants/stress factors is my sweet little son's crying. And he's a toddler. So he fusses and cries...well, kind of a lot. He gets frustrated. Tired. Hungry. Doesn't want that. Doesn't want this. It's normal stuff. He doesn't even cry that much or that long, but when he does, it grates on my nerves like nails on a chalkboard. And I wind up very irritable and stressed and my patience for him wears very thing, very quickly. Which is one of the main reasons I sought out counseling again. I want to have more patience for him; he more than deserves it!

So. I realized before my session that a lot of the response to his crying has to do with his first 4 months of life which involved incessant, inconsolable crying as he had both reflux and colic. It's almost like a conditioned response or something.

What I came to learn in the session was that it's more than that. A big factor is that it takes me back to that time when I was kicking myself up and down the stairs for choosing a crappy pediatrician. And for not being able to help my son. And that I have a big nasty habit of this.

I'm super indecisive to begin with. And then when I make a decision, I value it good or bad based on the outcome. And if the outcome is good, I chalk it up to luck. If the outcome is bad, I fully blame myself.

No wonder I'm unhappy a lot of the time! No wonder I'm stressed out! I'm piling a mountain of guilt and blame onto myself. Often for things out of my control. 

So. That's what I'm working on. Identifying what I'm telling myself when I make decisions and learning that the outcome, especially if out of my control, has nothing to do with me or my decision. The part that matters is how I make the decision.

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About this Blog

I have a journal. You know, the real kind...paper, bound in a book form...nice leather cover. And I do write in it...every few months. I like it, but somehow I find it hard to keep up regularly. I'm at a computer nearly all the time, so I find it easier to keep up on this blog. So, that's what this blog is for. To help me journal when I'm away from my journal. A place to collect my thoughts before I lose them to the chaos of my mind.

Or see my first post here. That's why I started this blog.